Lack of trust

Wow, that is a very interesting choice of wardrobe for a first date.

Lying

-Hey, babe, does this outfit make me look...? -fat?

No, hey, not at all.

I mean, yes, people gained weight in the pandemic, but you look so thin, so skinny, you do not look fat at all.

-I don't think that... -I was gonna say professional, does this outfit make me look professional?

Even incompatible sleeping positions.

I like sleeping on the right side of the bed.

Oh, I like sleeping with my ax.

But the one thing that is a guaranteed way to destroy your relationships is a lack of communication.

Specifically, not being able to have hard conversations.

When you can't have an honest heart-to-heart with someone, you end up building resentment.

And the small things that could have been talked out, build up one by one until they tear your relationship apart.

I'm a very direct person.

Sometimes I am too direct.

Because I lost my sister in my youth, I have a chronic fear of not saying my feelings just in case the other person dies.

It's like no stone left unsaid, right?

And sometimes that can skew into the extreme.

So one of the things that I've been learning is to really examine,

do I need to bring this up?

Can I give this person the benefit of the doubt and just let this go?

Or will I end up holding on to it and building resentment?

Which if I think it will, then I will have that hard conversation.

But in my experience as a human being on this planet for 33 years, most people don't have this problem.

Most people have a very hard time sitting someone down and having that hard talk.

And look, I get it.

I used to be painfully shy, a people pleaser. I had zero boundaries.

And I would worry that speaking my truth would to rejection or abandonment,

and I would carry the seeds of resentment until, finally, I would just leave the person and they would be blindsided.

There's this one girl in high school, let's call her Jen because her name was Jen.

Hi, Jen. I'm really sorry.

Jen was a cool girl, she was popular, she was rich, she was kind of like our schools Regina George.

And Jen, you know, she was like a white girl, main character and she kind of treated me like her sidekick.

One time, we went to Barnes & Noble and then she just randomly sprung on me.

Oh my God, okay, I need you to shut up and go away for a second.

My ex is dating this new girl.

I invited her here.

I'm gonna make her log onto her facebook on my computer, which will save her password so that I can read all of their messages. Go!

Jen was a diabolical genius.

But she frequently did stuff that really bothered me,

whether it was talking over me or literally sidelining me when we were supposed to be hanging out or just kind of being really selfish.

And instead of talking to Jen and letting her know that her behavior was really upsetting to me,

I took every hit, I carried every resentment until finally I just hated Jen.

I tried to slow ghost her, but she did not get the message, so I started acting out.

I'd be randomly mean hoping that she'd just leave me alone, but it didn't work because she just found it hilarious.

So, I was so afraid of having a conversation with Jen that one day I concocted a plan,

at Jen's next sleepover, I was going to steal her most prized possession, a bunch of her clothes.

And I was going to make sure that I would steal enough of her clothes that it was noticeable and then she would finally hate me too, and stop being my friend.

This was my plan, right?

The alternative was to maybe just have a convo with her and then break up with her,

but that was so terrifying to me that I decided let me just steal a bunch of Jen's wardrobe.

So, that is what I did.

Afterwards, I, like, literally made trips to and from my car, just throwing her clothes in there.

And afterwards, I got home, Jen called and she said,

Hey, babe, so I'm missing like a ton of my clothes, and I know it was you because I just did my laundry and you're like the only person that I saw,

but I get it and I forgive you because I would totally steal my clothes, too.

So just return them and we're all good. Okay?

I cannot believe it.

This act of kindness from Jen made me hate her so much more.

I was like, the devil will not let go.

These claws are bone deep.

So what did I do?

Was I finally forced to have that hard conversation?

Did I finally tell Jen about my grievances?

No, I decided I would only give Jen back half of her clothes and at that point that she would have no choice.

Oh my God, best... ex bestie, I cannot believe you.

I offered you forgiveness.

I offered you grace and you only return half of my shit?

Not even the good shit because of my Billabong sweater!

So you better give it all back or else my daddy is filing a police report against your daddy.

I literally cheered after this phone call because I had finally done it.

I had pissed Jen off enough for her to end our friendship.

And fast forward to 15 years,

all I can say is what the fuck was that, right?

Like, I can't believe I was so afraid of just telling this girl that her behavior was hurting me that I committed a crime,

like, it is insane to me how desperate I was to evade any real talk.

And also incredibly unfair of me because Jen is clearly capable of kindness.

Clearly, she was willing to forgive me for stealing her Billabong sweater.

And I always wonder, like, if I had just expressed myself in those moments when Jen said or did something and given her the chance to adjust her behavior,

how would our friendship have gone?

I did see Jen one last time after that and she said,

You know, all you had to do was just asked to borrow my clothes.

I mean, Megan does it all the time.

She asked to borrow a piece.

And then I never see it again to the point where I know now that when she's "borrowing" clothes, she just intends to keep them,

you really didn't need to do all of that.

You could have just stolen it one piece at a time, you know.

At the end, a very diabolical genius.

So, when you're tempted to carry the clothes, a metaphor for your resentments.

Think about this story because it's one thing if you tell someone about how their behavior has affected you and then they don't change.

But having a hard conversation just reframe it.

It's a way of saying to someone I love you, I care about you, I want to keep you in,

and to do that this relationship or this behavior needs to change.

Having a hard conversation is showing the other person respect,

it's showing them that you value them, and it's showing that you're willing to be honest and work on it.

So don't wait, like, if you have things you know that are gonna build up and you know that this is going to solidify into resentment,

give that person the chance to validate your feelings, make space for you and adjust accordingly.

And at 33, I can tell you this.

All of my friendships that have made it through the wringer have this in common.

Anytime a hard conversation comes up, it usually goes like this.

Hey, so, I know you didn't mean anything bad by it,

but yesterday, at dinner, when you told me to be quiet in front of everyone, it made me feel like sad and small and I didn't really like it.

Oh my God, babe, I'm so sorry.

That makes total sense and you're absolutely right.

I don't... I don't even know why I did that.

I think I was trying to be mindful of everyone else in the restaurant,

but also, like, you're my friend, so why would I give a shit about any of them?

I am so sorry. That makes total sense and your feelings are valid.

I won't do it again.

Thank you.

Now, be quiet.

You dumb bitch.

I am. I'm a dumb bitch. I know. I love you.