I'm like, "That's fine. If you think my life is so easy, why don't you go to some open call auditions?

And you understand how hard it is, how much rejection I face every day at my job."

He was like, "OK."

And he went to all these auditions and he started booking everything.

It's a true story.

He got on this show in China, in mainland China, called Little Daddy.

Half a billion people watch that show.

It's like the Big Bang theory of China and Richard blew up.

And he was like, "This is easy. I don't know."

My plan completely backfired.

And my aunt in Shanghai, she watched the show and she would call the house in LA and she's like,

"Congratulations Richard. You're such a good actor. Did your son teach you how to act?"

And he's like, "No, no, I'm a natural."

"Oh, that's very good. You and your son, same business. You know, you two are very funny."

He's like, "No, no, Jimmy is not funny."

And I'm like, "Dad, that's bullshit. OK?

You got one good role. Good for you. I'm happy for you.

But you're not a real actor yet.

Real actors, we got to cry, we got to laugh.

Do you even know how to cry in front of a camera?"

He was like, "Yes, I just think about how much you suck at ping pong."

Needless to say, I grew up with low self esteem because I was raised by Asian parents.

My dad is not even the worst; my mom is much worse.

Have you guys ever hung out with old Asian ladies?

Old Asian ladies will tell you exactly what the fuck is wrong with your face as if they try to do you a favor.

I go to my mom's house, the first thing she says, she's like,

"Jimmy, oh yo, oh yo, why is your face so fat?

Your clothes look homeless and your hair, oh yo, it's a gay."

Sometimes it's like embarrassing for me to hang out with my mom.

You know, 'cause Asian people, we just got a different custom, you know.

Like my mom, when she goes shopping, she doesn't buy shit she needs, she just buys shit because it's a good deal.

One time, I bought a full price shirt home, $20 and she was like,

"Was it a full price? No, it's a bad deal."

I was like, "Mom, It's only 20 bucks.

She's like, "Yes, $20. If you are stupid."

She goes to Ross and she freaks out because everything is a great deal.

She's like, "Jimmy, you should buy this, you should buy, this is a good deal. This is a good deal."

I'm like, "Mom, that's a double XL shirt, ok?

And it says obey on it. I'm not gonna fucking wear that."

And she's like, "It's OK. 50% off. Someday it will fit, ok?"

If you want a good deal, you follow the old Asian people, right?

You go to Costco, you see a sea of old Asian people because you know everyone is getting a great deal.

Nobody is getting ripped off.

You go to Whole Foods, never seen one old Asian motherfucker in my life.

We don't believe in that shit.

I grew up very stereotypically, man.

I didn't play basketball, football.

I grew up playing ping pong, competitively.

That was a serious national sport back home, man.

You know, I didn't go to any like fun summer camp, space camp.

My dad sent me to a ping pong training camp in Guangzhou, China.

I almost died.

It was 100 kids competing for one spot on the national team.

It was basically Fortnite with ping pong paddles.

We took that shit seriously though.

My dad would take me to every practice, every tournament game and he always tried to give me a pep talk before every game.

But you know, Asian parents, they're way too honest.

So every pep talk just turned into an insult.

Like he will come up to me and be like,

"Jimmy, Jimmy, you're going to play well, ok?

Even though you're slow, even though you're weak and you suck."

And then he would just walk away.

I was very good at math.

That's a big Asian stereotype.

I think there's some truth to that.

Not because it's some weird genetic thing just because our parents care so much more about mathematics and academics.

Right?

You guys seen it, you guys seen those like Kumon learning centers in those strip malls, right?

Kumon learning centers, so you guys that don't know are basically detention camps for young Asian Children.

You can tell that place is kind of fucked up by the look of its logo because it's supposed to be a smiley face, but it's not really smiley.

It's just like, man.

My parents are way too cheap to send me to Kumon. They got a different strategy.

They never let me use a calculator until I turned 15.

So I can work on my brain function.

That's an old school Chinese strategy, you know.

So when I turned 15, it was a very special occasion.

It was basically my quinceanera.

My dad just gave me a TI-83 Plus and he looked me in the eyes and he was like, "You're a woman now. OK?"

But when you're a kid, when your parents tell you can't do something, what do you do?

You rebel, right?

So when I was 14 years old, I stole my brother's calculator.

I stole Roy Roger's calculator and I locked myself in my room and I started rebelling.

I started doing math homework.

Other kids were like fucking around with like alcohol and drugs.

I was fucking up some problems, you know, locked myself in a room.

I was just punching in numbers. I was like, "Oh man, this feels great." You know.

It's so wrong. It's awesome.

My dad was pissed.

He was knocking on the outside of the door.

He doesn't like locked doors in the house and he was screaming.

He was like, "Jimmy, Jimmy, what are you doing inside?

Come out right now. I know you are using a calculator, come out right now."

I was so scared. I didn't know what to do.

And he unlocked the door and he came in, I went into the full panic mode,

so I just threw away the calculator and I pulled down my pants.

I was like, "Dad, I was just jerking off."

And he came in and he looked at me and then he looked at the math homework.

And he was like, "Good, good. Very good. Very good. Very good.

You must really like math. That's good. That's good. Keep it up."

Because there's nothing, there's nothing that will make your Asian father more proud than to see his son jerk off to his math homework.