She's very cool.

She has to be to put up with me.

And I actually knew that I was going to marry her on our first date we ever went ou of.

I had gone out the night before and had gotten a little too drunk and my stomach was really not feeling very good.

But I knew I didn't wanna cancel on her.

So we go out to dinner and it was one of those magical nights, guys,

and I really do hope everybody has a night like this where you're sitting across from the person that you basically know you're gonna spend the rest of your life with.

And I'm sitting across from her and we're laughing and we're joking and things are going amazing.

And I feel a sneeze coming on.

Now. I sneeze like this like this.

Like a mouth sneezer.

The fucking worst, the mouth sneezer is the worst.

So I don't want to scare her on our first date.

So instead of "ahh" I plug my nose and when I plug my nose, I shit my pants.

Swear to God, first date, future wife, poopy pants, everybody.

And I'm sitting there and the expression she must have seen it change on my face because it was like.

'Cause she reached over and she grabbed my hand and she was like, "I know it's a great date, I feel it too."

And I was like, "Man, I hope you don't feel it from across the table."

She said, "Excuse me, I have to use the restroom."

And I was thinking, "You have to use the restroom. I am the fucking restroom at this point in time."

So what's my instinct when she leaves?

As a man, what's my instinct?

Run!

You know why I didn't do that, man, I had shit in my pants. That's why I didn't do that.

That's one of the, you know that that's this run here, you know that.

That terrible, that terrible run from your car to your front door with your keys in your hand like this, "Fuck!"

By the way, let me ask everybody, speaking of which,

when you're in your car, why do you have to shit more when you see your house? Like what is it about your house?

Sometimes I don't even know I got a shit, I pull into my drive on, I come out of shit up my car

Crazy, right?

I'm not the only person that's ever shit in the front lawn, am I?

Am I the only person?

So I decided I just, I gotta tell her.

Yes, what else? I have run through the Rolodex in my head. I got nothing.

I gotta be honest with her.

So she comes back, she sits down and I said,

"I have to tell you something."

And she said, "You can tell me anything."

And I said, "We're about to find out, aren't we?"

"I shit my pants."

You know what she said?

You know how I knew she was for me.

She looked me straight in the eye and she goes, "I knew it."

"I knew you shit your pants. I'm sitting 2 ft away from you."

"You don't think I could smell that you shit your pants?"

"Everybody in this section knows that you have shit in your pants."

And I was like, "No way."

And the guy next to me was like, "Yeah, dude."

She said, "You know, I went to the bathroom so you could leave with some dignity, but you're here when I get back. What's the deal with that?"

And I said, "How are we gonna get out of here?"

She said, "Well, we're gonna pretend like you're retarded and walk you out the front door."

That, my friends, is love.