I was forced to throw my own surprise party. I've got the goat Jesus the goat cheesiest place in all of

Drusselstein many of my closest friends were there

Oh

Good lock up when you're done, okay

But one should never walk the paths of Drusselstein with uncovered dunkelberry cake lest the dunkelberry bats swarm

Don't make a mountain out of them all here. It's a bully named Boris who always wore big black boots

They called him big black boots Boris the bully

He was always kicking sand in my face when I was in the sandbox

You'll see there were only two things that made my miserable childhood bearable my giant pet cockroach

Horfrost and garlic ice cream. I love these two things so much. I wondered if combining them would

Exponentially increase my enjoyment of them when I was young I entered a science field with my very first in a door

I was I wasn't very clever with names yet

It was just you know in a toy

Just as I was about to demonstrate my invention to the judges a kid with a baking soda volcano stole the show

When I was a young boy my mother would never let me swim in public pools

No

Reminds me of a high dive I knew as a kid at the Gimmelstump public wetness maker

It wasn't so much of a pool as it was just a well

Let's just say it only had water in it on alternating Thursdays and leave it at that

Anywho in Gimmelstump jumping from the high dive was an important rite of passage

Are you a man or a schnitzel?

I'm a man, I'm a man

I'm a man

Das Kind ist ein schnitzel

With all those people looking and laughing at me I just couldn't do it

Ich habe keinen Sohn

After that my father and I became increasingly distant

So nah

Back when I was just a little Stumpel my father came home with a brand new Spitzenhound puppy that he won in a game of pokey goozen with a stick

My father said the dog was like the son he never had and named him only son

Only son became an award-winning show dog bringing my father fame and fortune

Back in Gimmelstump in the days of my youth

The Doofenshmirtzes were a proud family

But those were lean times for my father and our beloved lawn gnome was repossessed

Who would protect our Zatzenfruit garden from witch's spells and wood trolls?

From a tender age my father decided that it would be me

While the other children played kick the stumper and make dunkelberries I would stand for hours

All through the cold night as the Spitzenhound howled

My only companion was the moon

And my neighbor Kenny

The next year I tried again with my even biggerinator

And again my thunder was stolen by a baking soda volcano

Back in Gimmelstump in the depths of my childhood

My parents were expecting a brand new baby girl

My mother spent months knitting pretty dresses

Unfortunately the baby turned out to be a boy

And because we were out of material I was forced to wear those same dresses for an entire year

Drawing mockery and scorn from all of my manly classmates

When I was a boy the smell of pork emanating from me was so bad because

Well the reasons aren't important it was part of a different emotionally scarring backstory I'm not getting into

Regardless the smell of pork was so bad that no one would come near me

So one day the carnival came to town and I needed money because of

Well yet another backstory that basically my parents disowned me I was being raised by ocelots

The point is I had to get a job at the carnival but the only work was at the dunking booth

And not as the guy who got dunked though I was what they threw to dunk him

Which is again a whole other backstory

Okay look at it long backstory short I got a balloon at the carnival

I drew a face on him I sprayed him with special lifelong lasting spray I created and I named him Balloonie

He became my best friend in the whole world yada yada yada

Then one tragic day when I was protecting our garden as a lawn gnome

Whatever you remember that backstory Balloonie started floating away

I tried to reach out and grab him but

And I never saw Balloonie again

My mother's love was always inexplicably linked to kickball

And my brother was an expert from the start

But I lacked finesse so it would do the test

I couldn't kick my way right into her heart

One day when I was walking through the claw machine district something caught my eye

In this machine that usually just has rocks in it

There was an actual teddy bear

Fortunately I had with me my allowance which I'd been saving for a whole year

One three cent coin

I dropped it into a slot and carefully maneuvered the claw toward the beckoning fuzzy grail

Odds were against me but then it happened

The miracle! The claw grabbed the stuffed animal it was mine!

Then like a knight of yore I gallantly gave the prize to my beloved mother

Who immediately turned around and gave it to my brother Roger

I was crushed as I watched Roger produce a big red marker and write his name on the toy

And then afterwards proceeded to do the same to my mother claiming both as his own

And effectively shutting me out of the family dynamic

In the middle school three years ago on the job of a backrest

And on this same day I realized I was not a magician

On the contrary I met the person exactly who I was

He told me to go backstage and decorate a dress for my important couple

Even before he married me

Ever since the seventh grade I have wanted to be a magician

But it was a pretty tough road

Hey wait, where's Bobo the rabbit?

Can somebody please get me out of this? Anyone?

Hello?

My first day

Don't make a mountain out of a molehill

See during my teen years I was very adept at hand shadows

It was great for entertaining at parties

And for meeting froylines

But then one day there was a new puppeteer in town

His name was Hans and his hands were huge

We called him Huge Hans Hans

His puppetry was garbage

But unfortunately it was good enough for my froyline

I lost her to a boy with bigger fingers

And I never did a shadow puppet again

He tried playing rugby

And soccer and football

He tried kick the can and even martial arts

But even with this dedication

I still got no coordination

He couldn't kick his way right into her heart

And then one day my parents sent me out to the store to get some doozin' crap

Volleyball

You know I've always had trouble distinguishing between a store and a painting of a store

But it started me off on the greatest adventure of my life

I decided to seize the day with both hands

And a mop

I was heading to a golden land of opportunity

A land with a pioneering spirit which welcomed misfits like me

But I ended up in America instead

I just knew that I was home

In the sense that it was familiar

You see my dating life has been a seemingly endless series of disappointments

And it all started at a drive-in movie

That's wings you turkey

Okay the coast is clear you can come out now

Ew it's grody back here

Well on the bright side you got in for free

So we'll just split the cost of my ticket right?

Right?

You know I could have gotten in the trunk like a block away

Instead of when you first picked me up at my house

Wow you just love to live in the past huh?

Is that like a thing with you?

Whatever let's just try to enjoy the rest of the evening

I am a happy robot likey what I hear

I'm just kidding that's a thing I do

Come on hop in

That's wings you turkey

You are listening to That's Wings You Turkey by King of Loud

And here's a new one from Zanzibar

What Do It Do

Oh turn it up I love this song

It's okay I'd say it's in my top 7, 8 favorite songs about reverse engineering

Makes me want to be a pop star

Ha yeah right and I'm going to rule the world

Well why not?

Yeah like I can do that

Maybe instead of you know the whole world

Uh start small with the tri-state area

Hey the movie's starting

You have to put the speaker thing on the car

No no no check this out

I built this awesome device that transmits the movie's sound

In 5th dimensional stereo

I just plug this in here and voila

I am a clever robot

Bing bong bing boing

So can we hold hands now?

Take me home

Fine get in the back

And I never saw her again

I am a super star

Back in class evil 101

I always had so much fun

Though the one who advised me

Openly despised me

Still I always tried to be number one

Well I wanted a mentor to share my world view

But I got a tormentor

I was hated it's true

I've had enough of science

I decided to devote my life to poetry instead

The movies are grey

The TV is black

The horses are running

Please bring me some food

Yet curiously I still lost to a baking soda bot

It began in Gimmelstump when I was a callow youth

Yearning for a career in fine arts

I quickly discovered that although I loved painting

My muse was sometimes inaccessible

Then one day just as I was about to give up in frustration

Inspiration struck

I was up for three days straight

Gripped in glorious artistic fever

And finally my masterpiece

I rushed across the street to get my brother Roger

He was in the middle of his favorite meal

A sloppy joe, greasy french fries with ketchup

Grape juice, coffee and chocolate pudding

But I insisted he come at once

That day I made a solemn vow

That Roger would pay for what he'd done

The next morning I had the solemn vow notarized

You see back before I was evil

I was something a little less than evil

I was a bratwurst street vendor

Doofenshmirtz quality bratwurst

What? They had those?

I was sure that it was just a matter of time

Before the public would recognize our superior quality

How do you know when you're really lame?

When you sell bratwurst

Then and there I swore I would get my revenge

Bam for you

Ten years ago I was backpacking across Europe

When I came across a group of Canadian college students

Dylan was the most popular among the group

But I was the oldest so rivalry was inevitable

Then the ambassador's wife filed a complaint

Long story short I am never welcome in Albania ever again

But the point is I ended up alone in Italy

And it was lunchtime so I went to the Leaning Tower of Pizza

And you know what? They don't even make pizza there

I said what do you mean? It's the Leaning Tower of Pizza

It's got pizza actually in the name

But they were adamant no pizza for me

Like I'm the idiot

And I was like you're not so great

You're not so special

What just because you're leaning?

Then here it is

Ah yes my home

I can still remember the day I bought it

Flashback

My real estate agent had already shown me

Hundreds of other places within my budget

But none of them were acceptable

That is until he showed me this magnificent building

With a view all the way to the ocean

But the first night I realized why the price was so cheap

All night long foghorns from passing ships would sound

I couldn't understand why all these ships were there

Until one day I turned my neck to the right

About 45 degrees

And there I saw it

The Danville Lighthouse