I've been married for 35 years.

I'm very happy.

I asked my wife if I was happy.

She told me I am.

And that's good enough for me.

But I got married.

Our relationship changed immediately.

Not gradually, but immediately.

My wife started to share knowledge with me.

Knowledge I had no idea she had before we got married.

Tremendous amounts of knowledge she must have stored throughout the years waiting to share with her future husband.

Not all at one time, just bits and pieces here and there on an ongoing basis.

And that one time I thought it would end, now I know it never will.

But the thing is, I never know what's gonna trigger her desire to share additional knowledge.

That is the tricky part.

That's the part that keeps us on our toes.

It could pop up at any time for any reason or absolutely no reason at all.

There are days when I'm on a walk-through room and I see my wife, ha ha, I think I'll go the other way.

I really haven't memorized yesterday's lesson yet.

I've got a big midterm coming up and I'd like to do well.

I never know what's gonna trigger her desire to share additional knowledge.

One day I just opened our back door.

That's all I did, simply opened the back door.

Look at me, people, just opened the back door, perhaps slightly too long.

I don't know what the exact time parameter is.

I only know I must have went over because my wife whirled and yelled, shut the door.

You just let 800 mosquitoes into the house.

No, I had no idea that mosquitoes fly in swarms of 800.

I would think that many in a swarm, you'd see something come through the door.

I saw nothing but my wife with her keen eyesight and wealth of knowledge knew that 800 got into our house.

God bless her, we could have been bitten to death that night.

I got married, I no longer need the Discovery Channel.

I guess what I'm trying to say to you is that marriage can be good because you learn things that you never knew when you were single.

Marriage can be good because you learn things that you never knew when you were single.

And you know what, you see examples of that around us all the time.

I'm in a cafeteria behind an elderly couple husband reaching for whole milk, reaching for whole milk.

Listen carefully, reaching for whole milk.

Mid-reach, his wife states, you do not drink whole milk.

He did not stop, he did not turn to reply, just veered off, went straight to the skim milk.

I watched this and I thought, how lucky that man was to have found that woman.

How many years did he drink the wrong milk?

You learn things when you get married that you never knew when you were single.

For instance, now that I'm married,

I don't drink the skim milk.

I don't drink the skim milk.

You learn things that you never knew when you were single.

For instance, now that I'm married,

I realize that I never would have survived had I stayed single.

If I hadn't gotten married when I did,

I probably would have been dead in a matter of months.

I mean that, when I was single, I was wild.

I lived on the edge.

You would not believe some of the things I used to do.

For instance, when I was single,

I used to wear my shoes in the house.

I'm not making that up, I really did.

I did not know carpets are supposed to live thousands of years.

You learn things when you get married you never knew when you were single.

For instance, now that I'm married,

I know that I breathe way too loud.

I'm not making that up, I really did.

I did not know carpets are supposed to live thousands of years.

My wife not only told me I breathe too loud, she told me the exact distance from which people can hear me.

A mile!

I know it, her knowledge is incredible.

You learn things when you get married that you never knew when you were single.

For instance, now that I'm married,

I know when it's time to leave a party.

I never used to know.

When I was single, I would do really stupid things like stay until I quit having fun.

Never realizing I should have left hours ago simply because it was time.

How come you're leaving a party, man?

It's time, pal, and you should get married so you'd know too.

I'm not making that up, I really did.

See, sometimes, sometimes when people start applauding, other people are like, no, we don't want to move our arms.

You learn things when you get married you never knew when you were single.

For instance, now that I'm married,

I realize that I never knew how to get dressed.

You ever get dressed up to go out with your wife, you come out of the bedroom and she just looks at you and says, no.

I'm not making that up, man.

I'm not making that up.

No, you go back now.

I will help you.

If it's a British husband, wall.

You're married long enough, she doesn't have to say anything.

You come out of that bedroom, you see a certain look, you just do a little U-turn.

You learn things when you get married you never knew when you were single.

You see it around us all the time.

Today, in the hotel I'm staying at, very nice hotel, walking down the hallway behind what had to be a husband and wife.

He said, I'm hungry.

She said, no, you're not.

He walked by me, looked up at me as if to say, guess I'm not hungry.

I sure thought I was hungry.

Sometimes I get a pain in my stomach like I'm hungry.

Good thing I married her.

I could be eating right now and I'm not even hungry.

Well, I hope I die first.

All right, I'm gonna leave this one with you.

The reason I saved this one for last is one of my favorites.

Also, one of the more recent ones.

You learn things when you get married you never knew when you were single.

I told my wife I wanted some shirts to perform in.

This is one of the shirts that she got me.

And I just said, I just told Nancy

I don't want to wear a pink shirt.

She said, it's not pink, it's hibiscus.

Oh.

You know what?

I think I missed school the day they covered that color.

I don't ever remember asking another kid, hey, pass me that hibiscus crayon.

And then all my brothers saw me in his shirt and they're all making fun of me.

Hey, you're wearing a pink shirt except now I'm armed with new knowledge.

It's not pink, it's hibiscus.

And then all my brothers went, oh.

And one by one as they got married they got hibiscus shirts.

But this is the beautiful part.

This is where I know you're with me on this.

After a show, I had a couple come up to me.

The wife wanted her picture with me in my hibiscus shirt.

She started to take her shawl off.

As a joke, I said, why don't I wear your shawl?

Her husband immediately said, no, the shawl is salmon.

That would clash with the hibiscus.

All right, thanks a whole lot everybody.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

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