That's right, hold fucking tight.

Commit.

Don't be the one that's always threatening to leave, too.

That's right, love hard or get the fuck out.

If you're gonna leave, leave right now.

That's right, at the show, right now.

That's right, just break up.

We got break-up boosters.

We got break-up boosters.

That's right, just break up.

We got break-up boosters in the back.

That's right, but before you leave, you better make sure you got some options.

That's right, because some of y'all have been in a relationship so long, you don't know how ugly you are.

laughter

That's right, love hard or get the fuck out.

Okay, you hear me?

I'm gonna tell you right now.

If you're in a relationship, all you should be doing is fucking and going places.

That's all you should be doing.

Having sex and traveling.

Fucking and going places.

You should be coming and going.

laughter

That's all you should be doing, okay?

People say, oh, relationships are tough.

No, they're not.

They're only tough when one person's working on it.

That's right.

Two people can move a couch real easy.

laughter

One person can't move it at all.

That's right.

If you're in a relationship, let me try to help you right now.

Okay, I'm trying to fucking help you, okay?

Okay, first, rule one.

Stop competing.

It's not a fucking competition.

That's right.

Her success is your success, and your success is her success.

Stop competing.

Stop it, okay?

Number two, number two, okay?

There is no equality in a relationship.

It's like, we're equals. No, you're not.

You're both there to serve.

You are in the service industry, okay?

That's right.

When you're in a relationship, you're in a band.

You're in a fucking band.

And when you're in a band, you have roles that you play in the band.

Sometimes you sing lead, and sometimes you're on tambourine.

laughter

And if you're on tambourine, play it right.

Play it right.

Play it with a fucking smile.

Because nobody wants to see a mad tambourine player.

laughter

That's right. If you're going to play tambourine, you play that motherfucker right.

You play it with your ass, like, tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.

Tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.

A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.

A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.

laughter

Play it like Tina Turner.

laughter

That's right. You're in a band.

It's like Hall and Oates.

I don't know what Oates does.

laughter

But Hall never had a hit record without him.

laughter and applause