Thank you for joining us here in Los Angeles, California, where I don't know about you, but we are still buzzing from, well, from the recreational cannabis and also from the verdict that was handed down so bigly and beautifully in New York City yesterday.

One time, Commander-in-Thief scored the most guilty verdicts of any president ever.

He went 34-0, topping the 1971-72 Lakers, who won 33 in a row.

And Trump did it without Will Chamberlain or Jerry Retz.

He did it all by himself.

It was a day that will be written about in history books at, for those of you watching in Florida, history books are things you used to have at your schools before Ron DeSantis was governor.

The victory was, or the verdict, was unanimous on all charges.

Each juror received a thank you from the judge and Hickory Farms gift basket mysteriously signed Melania T.

Melania was not in court when the verdict was read, but she released a strong statement today, posting about how much she loves and supports her husband, no matter what the outcome of the trial was.

I'm kidding, she didn't say anything.

She said nothing at all.

She was nowhere to be found.

She was probably online buying a new summer hat.

I don't know.

There are still three other cases against Trump, each one for more serious crimes.

This is like the lowest hanging mushroom of the group.

And it does feel a little bit unsatisfying, given the scope of how many brazenly illegal things this man has done, that they would start by getting him for this.

This is like if OJ had been convicted for speeding.

Like, do you know how fast you're going in that Bronco, sir?

You know, it's funny how things work in the upside down world we live in.

Everything to them is a win.

Every one of these Trumpers now wants to play this like it's a good thing, like it's great news that their candidate for president was convicted of 34 felonies.

The tributes to Maga Teresa were flowing from great minds like this gentleman, who proclaimed today was our George Floyd moment.

I don't know, is that good?

And at one point, put that back up, at one point into asking AI to generate an image of Donald

Trump in cornrows, do you say to yourself,

I should probably get back to work.

Here's another one from Trump's longtime advisor and fellow felon, Roger Stone.

The only thing Trump is guilty of is being the greatest president since Abraham Lincoln.

Oh, and 34 felonies on top of that.

But not every Trump fan was looking for a fight.

Some, like this guy outside a court in New York, expressed hope that we can come together to get past this.

Not guilty.

I hope the country doesn't burn down.

Not guilty.

I hope that we can find a way to love each other and to make right this fucking, this prostitution.

Go fuck yourself and your mother.

Well, that didn't last long.

But in New York, that's an affectionate term.

And then we have our leaders in the GOP, who could not care less about Americans and how important it is that we have faith in our legal system.

They know Trump is guilty.

They don't even like Donald Trump, but they're so scared of him.

Ted Cruz was on our show in, I think it was 2016.

He told me, and this is a quote, he said this on television.

He said, if I were in my car and getting ready to reverse and saw Donald in the backup camera,

I'm not confident which pedal I'd push.

But that primal urge to run Trump over didn't stop Sweaty Teddy and all the other pathetic sycophants jockeying for lip spades on his big pimply ass from pretending to be outraged by this incredibly brazen attack on their beloved Baron von Schitzenpants.

An absolute sham trial.

When people here ask me what the heck is going on in your country, I am ashamed.

This is the most outrageous travesty I've ever seen.

Hey, James Comer, you coward.

How about you subpoena Judge Merchant and his daughter?

Get to the bottom of this sham trial.

This is a shameful political stunt perpetrated by Joe Biden.

Unbelievable.

Un-fricking-believable.

We the people stand with Donald Trump.

This will be reversed on appeal.

We're doing a special podcast tonight to break it all down.

Oh, we won't want to miss that.

And if you believe Donald Trump has been victimized, please subscribe to Ted Cruz's podcast right now.

What a snail.

And then we heard from Maga Teresa himself.

He held a doozy of a press conference this morning at Trump Tower.

He took no questions at the press conference.

Instead, he rambled like the drunken best man at a wedding you know isn't going to work.

This is a case where if they can do this to me, they can do this to anyone.

Do what?

Your hair?

You should get your lawyers on whoever did that to you.

But in a way, he's right.

They can do this to anyone.

They can do this to anyone who cheats on his wife with a porn star and then falsifies business records to keep her quiet so he can win a presidential election.

Congratulations.

You finally understand what you're in charge of.

And then he shifted into complete nonsense mode.

They want to raise your taxes by four times.

They want to stop you from having cars.

That's right.

It's going to be like the Flintstones, folks.

You're going to have to use your own feet to go places.

But go on, Donald.

The judge allowed them to go into everything that I was ever involved in.

Not this case.

Everything that I was ever involved in, which is a first.

In other words, you could go into every single thing that I ever did.

Was he a bad boy here?

Was he a bad boy there?

Oh, yes.

Quote Diddy.

Good move right now.

Bad boy for life.

And then he went back to the biggest lie of all of them.

Well, now, I can't even imagine even his most hardcore supporters believe this preposterous claim that he had, there was no interlude with Stormy Daniels at all.

They were able to use people salacious.

By the way, and nothing ever happened.

There was no anything.

Nothing ever happened, and they know it.

Yeah, right.

She made the whole thing up.

You know what she did, Stormy Daniels?

She went back in time.

She snuck into his hotel room.

She took all her clothes off.

And she slipped in underneath him while he was napping to prevent him from one day being president.

It's diabolical.

This woman, I'm going to tell you something.

She's an evil genius.

Hush money, hush money.

It's not hush money.

It's called the non-disclosure agreement.

So it's not hush money.

It's a non-disclosure agreement, totally legal, totally common.

Everyone has it.

That's right.

You guys have them, right?

I mean, everyone has them.

My grandmother had dozens of them.

She'd give them out for Halloween.

That's like saying everyone has a Bentley.

Everyone has one.

You know how on Gilligan's Island,

Gilligan sometimes would get hit on the head with a coconut?

You remember?

You ever see the show, Guillermo?

And then he got crazy for 20 minutes?

That's what this speech was like today.

But you know, he's a sleazebag.

I wonder how many people here have cars.

Yesterday in McDonald's, you had a man hitting him up with machetes.

We're going to fight Maca.

We're going to stop Maca.

You know, I ended the Russian pipeline.

It was dead.

We're begging Venezuela for oil.

The Congo has just released a lot of people from jail.

Congo, Africa.

Our kids can't have a Little League game anymore.

Migrants are living in luxury hotels.

And I grabbed him around the neck.

And he rebuffed me.

And then I went to the other guy, who I think is a black belt in karate.

He's a black belt in karate.

They know how to get somebody from around their neck.

I'm wired in such a way that a lot of people would have gone away a long time ago.

We're going to fight.

It's actually, I don't know.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's interesting that he chose to play the insanity card after the trial.

He's got so many screws loose, Boeing might have to issue a recall.

So now that the trial is over comes the sad part, which is the goodbyes.

Trump's attorney, Todd Blanche, who's definitely not getting paid, by the way, this man was forced to take the opposite of a victory lap on cable news last night.

Blanche said, Trump himself helped to direct his defense strategy, which explains why it worked so well.

It was Blanche's idea to not put Trump on the witness stand.

It was Trump's idea to sleep and fart through the whole trial.

I get a kick out of Todd Blanche.

He'd just stand there scowling while Trump yelled.

He wouldn't say anything.

He looked like the guy waiting outside the bathroom stall who really has to go.

And who would hire a lawyer named Todd?

I mean, no offense, but we have a dog named Todd.

I wouldn't hire him as my.

And with the trial now behind us, we put together a short video to honor both Todds.

It's a disgrace to the New York state and city court system.

And all of the cases are, frankly, all of them are.

Oh, poor Mike Pence.

Must be so jealous right now.

So Trump is scheduled to be sentenced on July 11th, which is four days before the Republican National Convention.

Also, free Slurpee Day at 7-Eleven, which at J.R.

Mott.

It's weird that a convicted felon, probably the only job Donald Trump could get right now, is president of the United States.

I mean, I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Mr. Pence's probably the CEO of the United States.

His team is milking these legal troubles for all they're worth.

His campaign claims they raked in a little more than $34 million yesterday in donations.

That's $1 million per felony, which had he known that, he probably would have committed more of them.

Trump's people are also working to make sure he is the only one who makes money off this.

His campaign manager, this guy Chris LaCivita, issued a warning to other candidates who try to jump on the bandit wagon.

He wrote, any Republican elected official, candidate, or party committee siphoning money from President Trump's donors are no better than Judge Mershawn's daughter.

We're keeping a list.

We'll be checking it twice.

And we aren't in the spirit of Christmas.

The only person who's allowed to cheat Trump supporters out of their lotto ticket money is Donald J. Trump himself.

Go out and commit your own felonies if you want them.

I have to say, I'm surprised about the spirit of the Christmas thing, because Chris LaCivita,

I don't know if you've seen him, he looks like if Santa Claus got queer eyed.

They are so shameless on Fox News.

This is incredible.

See if you can follow the thinking here.

Joe Biden, shamefully, is fundraising off of the political persecution of his opponent.

That tells you everything you need to know about this current regime that is in power.

So go to DonaldJTrump.com, support President Trump, stand on the side of democracy.

And the worst part is she has no idea she said anything weird.

They're too stupid to be hypocrites.

At the White House today, President Biden had Taylor Swift's boyfriend, Travis Kelsey, and the rest of the Super Bowl champion Kansas City Chiefs.

They gave him a helmet, which he for some reason decided to put on.

And now he can't get it off.

He's going to have to bury him in that thing.

He did weigh in on the legal follies today, explaining in very plain terms that the trial was fair and that his opponent will be afforded every opportunity to appeal that's given to every defendant in every court of law.

After careful deliberation, the jury reached a unanimous verdict.

They found Donald Trump guilty on all 34 felony counts.

Now he'll be given the opportunity, as he should, to appeal that decision, just like everyone else has that opportunity.

That's how the American system of justice works.