Whenever somebody asks me to do something I don't wanna do, I just make up a fake Chinese holiday now.

It's like, "Hey, Jimmy, can you help me move next Monday?"

I'm like, "Monday?

That's the Dragon Boat Lai Chi Boba Festival, dog.

I can't... can't just help you move.

My grandfather died for that shit, you understand?"

And if people's gonna assume that I don't speak English, that's fine.

That's what I do now when I get pulled over by the cops.

I just pretend I don't speak English.

Haven't gotten a ticket in five years.

Last time I got pulled over, the cop was knocking on my window.

He's like, "Sir, you do understand you can't make a right turn here?

Says right there in the sign, you can't make a right turn."

So I just looked up at him, I was like, "Oh. I don't know.

I'm sorry, but the English not very good, so I cannot read the sign."

And he was really confused.

He just looked back down at me.

He was like, "Sir, the sign is not in English.

It's a diagram, so I don't understand how that's a language barrier."

So I just looked up at him, I was like, "Oh. I don't know.

But do you know today is the Dragon Ball Live...?"