This is not a joke. This is an example, because I want you to understand what I'm saying.

I don't like it when people eat and sweat at the same time.

I don't fucking like it. I don't fucking like it.

Like, if somebody's eating, and while they eat, they're like, whoo, I'll punch you in the fucking face.

If I'm there, I swear to God,

I'll punch you in the fucking face.

Slow down!

Ain't nobody gonna take that food from you.

Slow down!

Tell you what else I don't like. You're not gonna like it, but I'm gonna tell you anyway.

I recently realized that I don't have any patience for unattractive people.

There, I said it. That's how I feel.

I know when you first hear it, it's a blow.

It's a blow at first.

I ask that you stay with me, okay?

Stay with me until the end.

I feel like they're very needy.

Unattractive people are very needy.

They always want something.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Excuse me. You know where I can...

No, I don't. No.

No. No.

I treat them like fucking cats.

Get your ass out of here.

Get out of here! You better get!

It's too much. It's too fucking much.

Let me tell you where the joke came from so you don't think I'm a dick, okay?

I was at the bank, right? I get down at the bank.

I'm in my car. I'm about to pull out the parking lot.

You got to stop at the little parking booth, right?

You got to get a guy your ticket.

I go to get a guy my ticket.

He slide the glass back, sticks his head out.

Very unattractive man. Whatever.

He sees me. When he saw me, he lost it.

He got excited.

He's like, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

Made that ugly ass face right in my fucking face.

Kevin Hart of my bank. You got to be kidding me.

He's like, I'm not letting you out here until you tell me why you chose us.

Why us? Why'd you bank with us?

Why'd you choose us as your financial institution?

I couldn't believe what the fuck I heard.

I don't have time for this shit.

Press the button. Let me the fuck out of here.

I don't have time.

He did it again. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

I ain't letting you out here until you tell me why us.

Why'd you choose us? Why us? Why'd you choose us?

Kept saying us. I told you, I don't have any patience.

I fucking lost it. I snapped. I said, stop saying us.

You don't got shit to do with that goddamn bank.

This parking lot ain't got shit to do with that bank.

Hit the button. Let me the fuck up out of here.

This is when I got mad. He looked me dead in the eye.

He said, I got all day, Kevin Hart. All day.

I realized he's not playing. He's not going to let me out.

I got to answer this fucking question.

Okay, fine. You want to know why I chose this bank?

Your customer service, loan rates, free checking.

There you go. That's why. That's why I chose y'all.

This is what pissed me off. He goes, that's all you had to say with your little ugly ass.

I said, what did you just say?

The fuck did you just say to me?

Get your ugly ass out of my life.

He hit the button. I had to pull off.

Now I'm pissed. I'm not ugly. You ugly.

Fucking pissed.

I stopped at Chipotle two blocks up.

It's a long line at Chipotle. Now I'm even more irritated.

I'm only in this long ass line because of that unattractive ass conversation.

While I'm standing in the line, the woman behind me goes, oh my God, today's such a nice day.

It's so beautiful outside. I'm about to fucking snap.

I'm going to lose it. I'm going to fucking snap.

I'm going to turn around.

I'm going to let this goddamn woman have it.

I turn around. I see her.

This is by far one of the most attractive women

I've ever seen in my fucking life.

She was gorgeous. Immediately.

I had time. I had fucking time.

I said, I said, you know what?

It is a nice day. It's so nice outside.

I turned into a fucking weatherman.

I said, what we need is rain.

We ain't had no rain in a minute.

She said, I wasn't even talking to you.

Turn her back on me.

What the fuck?

Oh, no, no. That is not acceptable.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

She turned around.

I said, what the fuck?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

She turned around. What?

Ha!

Uh...

Uh...

I...

I just want...

I just want to know what made you choose Chipotle as your place for lunch today?

See, I'm not telling you that.

I said, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

I was an unattractive person in that conversation.

Guy flipped it on me that fast.

Let me tell you something, people.

No matter how good you think you look,

I promise you that you don't look that fucking good.

I promise you.

Something will happen in life to show you that you don't look that fucking good.

My wife gave me a reality check.

We was in the bed watching TV.

Commercial came on with the little monster from Lord of the Rings.

Schmeagle? I think that's his name.

Schmeagle. He was doing this shit right here.

You know the little monster?

That's what he did. He was doing this shit.

Oh, my God, babe, you be doing that.

I said, bitch, what did you just say to me?

What the fuck did you just say?

You be doing that in the morning.

Bitch, I ain't never get no shit like that in my goddamn life!

Call me a fucking monster to my goddamn face!

You