Every household has its ups and downs.

No family is perfect all the time.

Except some families really do seem like they're perfect from the outside.

That might not be reality.

The most loving, understanding, and caring parents might not be what they seem.

This is because of pseudo mutuality.

Because upholding appearances is so important to a pseudo mutual family, it can be difficult to tell if it's real love or pseudo mutuality.

These are the signs that can help you spot the difference.

What is pseudo mutuality?

The first challenge is having a good understanding of what pseudo mutuality is.

The official definition is a family relationship that has a superficial appearance of mutual openness and understanding.

Although in fact, the relationship is rigid and depersonalizing.

So in other words, everything's a facade.

It's like a prison disguised as a preschool.

Perfectly sweet, loving, close, and wholesome on the outside.

But on the inside, there are strict rules and everyone is assigned an identity.

This typically happens when one or both of the parents are narcissists, have narcissistic traits, or have a narcissistic personality disorder.

The narcissistic parent is like a prison warden who decides what you will do, how you will do it, and even who you are and who you will be.

In a pseudo mutual family, rather than getting to know and understand their children, parents will try to control who their children are.

Rigid rules.

Pseudo mutual families have extremely rigid rules.

If the parents say you are a swimmer, you are a swimmer.

If you decide you don't like swimming, the whole facade of caring and understanding falls apart.

The rules of the household are designed to keep you from breaking that identity and therefore destroying the facade.

From the outside, it looks like your parents are supporting your hobby, making sure you get to practice on time, cheering you on at the galas, and ensuring you always have every opportunity to succeed.

In reality, it can feel like your parents are breathing down your neck and controlling your every move.

Your reward for playing along is that the family gets along.

They aren't supporting you, they are supporting the identity they have chosen for you in the family's image.

You are depersonalized.

Because of all the ways your parents have structured your life, it can feel like you haven't pursued anything of your own.

Your successes are all credited to your parents.

You may feel like you live to serve your parents and like you're trapped.

Pursuing your own dreams and passions may sound strange or far-fetched because it goes against what your parents want or because your dreams are decided on by your parents.

This depersonalization along with the stress of playing along with the whims of your parents can cause mental health issues like low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety.

Strings attached.

When your parents only show love when you do what they want, it feels like their affection comes with strings attached.

It's like they're insinuating that,

I'll love you for as long as you do what I say.

This can be really emotionally taxing because it feels like your value as a person depends on whether you meet their expectations.

This doesn't just apply to family dynamics, but knowing this is important because if you're not aware of this dynamic in your upbringing, you might unconsciously attract partners or friends who do the same.

For example, in romantic relationships, you might find yourself drawn to individuals who replicate the dynamics you experienced with your parents.

And when you're conditioned to think that your worth is tied to the approval and expectations of others, you may constantly feel pressured to conform to their expectations, even to the detriment of your own wellbeing, to maintain their affection and acceptance.

So how else have your adult relationships been influenced by this?

This leads us to our next point.

Adult relationships mirror your family dynamic.

When you're raised in a pseudo-mutual household, your other relationships, even as adults, can be affected as well.

You might find that you treat others like your parents or you attract people into your life who treat you the same way your parents did.

For example, you might try to accommodate them as much as possible and do everything they ask.

You might also feel responsible for others.

In romantic relationships and friendships, you take a very passive role.

You may also lack boundaries.

Emotionally, you may have trouble acknowledging your feelings and expressing your needs.

In your adult life, you may find that your childhood in a pseudo-mutual household without real love was traumatic.

And so you seek therapy.

And therapy, along with cutting contact with parents, were found to be cathartic changes for people raised in pseudo-mutual households.

This is not normal for family relationships based on real love.

Real parental love comes from authentic understanding and nurturing.

Pseudo-mutuality is so effective because it's disguised as real love.

At first glance, it seems to fulfill all of the same things, but on closer inspection, it fulfills nothing, instead opening you to depersonalization, depression, and anxiety.

Parents who raise children like this don't do it intentionally.

They do it because they have narcissistic traits that influence their parenting style.

That isn't to say it's unavoidable.

Parents have the responsibility to guide their children to become fulfilled, independent adults.

Pseudo-mutuality, by definition, can't achieve that.

If you are a parent and you worry that this sounds like you, seek guidance and find resources that will help you lead your family more effectively out of love rather than fear.

If you were raised with pseudo-mutuality, how have you dealt with it?

Let us know in the comments below.

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Thanks for watching.