I pray thee to allow some brats to finally climb forth from her sausage wallet.

我祈求你讓一些小鬼最終從她的香腸錢包裡爬出來。

Eh, what the hell, why not?

誒，管他呢，為什麼不呢？

Lord, why must mine belly play host to ceaseless MMA bouts?

上帝啊，為什麼我的腹部要不斷上演綜合格鬥比賽？

Get used to it, sweetheart.

習慣吧，親愛的

Oh, and in case you wanted to pick size, I'd go with the younger one.

哦，如果你想選大小，我會選年輕的。

That's a freebie.

這是免費贈品。

The first twin to emerge from Rebecca's lady bits was red and covered with hair like a fur coat, so they called him Esau, which means hairy.

第一個從麗貝卡身體裡出來的雙胞胎是紅色的，渾身長滿了毛，就像一件毛皮大衣，所以人們叫他 "以掃"，意思是多毛。

When his brother spewed forth from Rebecca's baby cannon, he was grasping Esau's heel, so he was called Jacob, which figuratively means he deceives.

當他的弟弟從利百加的嬰兒炮中噴出時，他正抓著以掃的腳後跟，所以他被稱為雅各，比喻他欺騙。

Esau became a most skillful hunter of the open country, while Jacob was quiet, staying amongst the tents.

以掃成了開闊地上最嫻熟的獵手，雅各則安靜地呆在帳篷裡。

Isaac, who favored the taste of wild game, loved Esau, but Rebecca loved Jacob.

喜歡野味的以撒愛的是以掃，而麗貝卡愛的是雅各。

When Isaac grew old, he could no longer see.

當以撒年老時，他再也看不見了。

Esau, where art thou?

以掃，你在哪裡？

I am here, father.

我在這裡，父親。

Esau, I could die any day.

埃索，我隨時都會死

Go forth and hunt me some of those tasty eats I liketh so much, and then I shalt giveth unto thee my blessing before I die.

去給我打一些我喜歡吃的美味佳餚吧，這樣我就會在死前把我的祝福送給你。

Now's our chance.

現在機會來了

Quick, bring me some delectable goats.

快，給我拿些美味的山羊過來。

I shall cook them up the way he likes, and thy shalt serve them, pretending to be Esau, to fool thy father into giving his blessing unto thee instead.

我將按他喜歡的方式烹飪，你要裝作以掃，伺候他們，騙取你父親的祝福。

That shit shalt never work, mother.

媽的，那玩意絕對沒用

Esau is hairy, but I'm smooth, see.

以掃是多毛的，但我是光滑的，瞧。

If father touches me, thy jig shalt be up.

如果父親碰了我，你就完了。

Leave it unto me.

交給我吧

Here, put on thy brother's clothes.

來，穿上你兄弟的衣服。

After I cook the goats, we shalt cover thy smooth skin with the goat hides, so thy shalt feel hairy.

在我煮熟山羊之後，我們要用山羊皮蓋住你光滑的皮膚，這樣你就會覺得毛茸茸的。

Who do these idiots think they're fooling?

這些白痴以為他們在騙誰？

Even if they did manage to fool Isaac with this ridiculous plan, they'd have to fool you too, God Almighty.

就算他們用這個荒唐的計劃騙過了以撒，他們也得騙過你，萬能的上帝。

Oh, girl, no, you did not up-thumb that bullshit.

哦，姑娘，不，你可沒翹起大拇指胡說八道。

Wait, what, Jeffrey?

等等，什麼，傑弗裡？

Are you actually going to grant Isaac's blessing to Jacob just because Jacob is disguised as Esau?

難道就因為雅各偽裝成以掃，你就真的要把以撒的祝福賜給雅各嗎？

Sure, why not?

當然，為什麼不呢？

Uh, I don't know, because you would be rewarding a lie for personal gain?

呃，我不知道，因為你會為了個人利益而獎勵謊言嗎？

Oh, girl, no, you did not just upload that painting of you in that dress.

哦，姑娘，不，你剛才上傳的不是你穿裙子的那幅畫。

Um, Pops?

嗯，老爹？

Yes, my son!

是的，我的兒子！

Who is it?

是誰？

It is I, father.

是我，父親

Esau, your firstborn son.

以掃，你的長子

I have done as thou hath said, and hunted you some tasty eats.

我已經按你說的做了，給你打了一些好吃的。

Now hurry up and giveth unto me your blessing before you kicketh the bucket.

在你臨死之前，趕緊把你的祝福送給我吧。

That's pretty fast service, my boy.

服務真周到，我的孩子

How did thee hunt it so quickly?

你怎麼這麼快就找到了？

Um, because God helped me out.

嗯，因為上帝幫了我。

Holy shit, this guy is stupid.

我靠，這傢伙太蠢了。

It's goat, not gazelle.

是山羊，不是羚羊。

I mean, it's not like they don't have a bunch of fucking goats right outside.

我是說，外面又不是沒有一群該死的山羊。

I thought this guy liked the taste of wild game.

我以為這傢伙喜歡野味的味道。

Shut it, Jeffrey.

閉嘴 傑弗裡

Come forth, my son, so that I may touch thee and feel if thou art really Esau or not.

出來吧，我的孩子，讓我摸摸你，看看你是不是真的以掃。

My, that's convenient.

哎呀，真方便。

Good thing they thought about the goat hides.

好在他們想到了山羊皮。

Though you sound like Jacob, thy hands feel like Esau's.

雖然你的聲音像雅各布，但你的雙手卻像以掃的。

Holy fuck, what a dipshit.

我操，真是個蠢貨。

Are you seriously going to bless Jacob even though he's lying his ass off right now?

雅各布現在正在撒謊，你真的要祝福他嗎？

Are you sure you're Esau?

你確定你是以掃？

I totally am.

我完全是。

Totally.

完全是

Then giveth me some of thy tasty game to eat, and I shalt giveth my blessing unto thee.

那就給我一些美味的野味吃吧，我也會祝福你的。

I'm back, and I hath hunted down some tasty grub for thee.

我回來了，我為你們找到了一些美味的食物。

Blessing time!

祝福時間

Who was it then, who already brought me eats?

是誰已經給我帶來了食物？

For I already blessed him!

因為我已經祝福過他了！

Son of a bitch!

狗孃養的

Bless me too, father!

也祝福我吧，父親！

Too late, though thy brother deceived me.

太遲了，儘管你的兄弟欺騙了我。

He took thy blessing, not unlike the chariot passenger who calls shotgun.

他接受了你的祝福，這與呼叫獵槍的戰車乘客並無二致。

I'm going to kill that lying sack of shit.

我要殺了那個滿嘴謊話的混蛋

Esau is going to kill thee because of this.

以掃會是以殺了你。

Go stay with thy uncle, Laban, for a while.

去你叔叔拉班家住一段時間吧。

You can marry one of thy beautiful cousins while thou art there.

在那裡，你可以娶一個漂亮的表妹。

Isaac, I really don't want Jacob marrying one of those Hittite hussies around there.

以撒，我真不希望雅各布娶附近的赫梯女人為妻。

Hath thou any ideas?

你有什麼想法嗎？

Jacob, go stay with thy uncle, Laban, for a while.

雅各，去你叔叔拉班那裡住一段時間吧。

You can marry one of thy beautiful cousins while thou art there.

在那裡，你可以娶一個漂亮的表妹。

This has to be the stupidest being who has ever lived.

他一定是有史以來最愚蠢的人。

Look, even though thou art my nephew, Jacob, I should still pay thee for thy labor.

雅各布，即使你是我的侄子，我也應該為你的勞動付出代價。

Does thou prefereth cash or credit?

你喜歡現金還是賒賬？

Hmm.

嗯

Uncle, I shalt work for thee for seven years if thy fork over thy daughter, Rachel, to be mine wife.

叔叔，如果你把女兒拉結交給我做妻子，我就為你工作七年。

Seems fair enough.

似乎很公平。

Better thou marry her than someone outside the family, capiche?

你娶她總比娶外人強，不是嗎？

Time's up, uncle.

時間到了，叔叔

Give me my wife, Rachel, for I very much desire to go balls deep into thy daughter.

把我的妻子瑞秋給我，因為我非常想深入你女兒的身體。

No problemo, nephew.

沒問題，侄子。

Here you go.

給你

What the hell?

搞什麼鬼？

Uncle, you hath given unto me the wrong daughter, and I hath accidentally boinked her.

舅舅，你給錯了女兒，我不小心上了她。

Oh well.

哦，好吧。

So giveth unto me Rachel.

於是，她把瑞秋給了我。

Sorry, no can do.

對不起，不行。

Thou knowest the price.

你知道價格。

Another seven years of work, then both of thy cousins shalt be thy wife.

再幹七年，你的兩個表妹都將成為你的妻子。

Fine.

很好

Finally, I get to boink Rachel.

終於，我可以和瑞秋上床了。

Now this is a proper wife.

這才是一個合格的妻子。

Hey, Jeffrey.

嘿，傑弗裡

Let's fuck with them.

讓我們跟他們玩玩。

How about we just stay out of it and help some people with the real problems?

不如我們置身事外，幫助一些人解決真正的問題？

Uh, it's called free will, Jeffrey, remember?

這叫自由意志，傑弗裡，記得嗎？

Except when I wanna fuck with people.

除非我想和別人上床。

Hmm.

嗯

I'll zap Rachel with a little infertility, and then I'll give Leah's baby cannon an extended magazine.

我會給蕾切爾來點不孕不育，然後再給莉亞的 "嬰兒大炮 "加長彈匣。

That ought to make things interesting.

這應該會讓事情變得有趣。

Jacob, please give me children or I shall die.

雅各布，請為我生兒育女，否則我會死的。

Bitch, I ain't God.

賤人，我不是上帝

Here, fuck my maidservant.

來，操我的女僕

She shalt bear thee a son for me.

她要為我為你生一個兒子。

Okay.

好的

Oh, snap.

哦，抓緊了。

I told you this was gonna be good, Jeffrey.

我跟你說過會很棒的 傑弗裡 I told you this was gonna be good, Jeffrey.

Ha!

哈

What now, bitch?

現在怎麼辦，婊子？

Here, Jacob, fuck my maidservant.

來，雅各布，幹我的女僕

She shalt push out some brats for thee.

她會為你生幾個孩子的。

If thou insists.

如果你堅持

Did you see that shit?

你看到那玩意兒了嗎？

All right, now it's my turn to get knocked up again.

好了，現在又輪到我大肚子了。

Not so fast, bitch.

別急，婊子

Hey, quit hogging him.

嘿，別佔著他了

Here, thou can have these mandrakes if you let me fuck him tonight.

給你，如果你今晚讓我幹他，這些曼德拉克就歸你了

Well, okay.

好吧

Really, God?

真的嗎，上帝？

Really?

真的嗎？

Fine, you can have one more, but that's it.

好吧，你可以再要一個，但僅此而已。

Oh!

哦！

Okay, uncle, I hath worked for thee long enough.

好了，叔叔，我為你工作夠久了。

I wish to finally go home.

我希望最終能回家。

I can't deny thou hast done well for me, Jacob.

我不能否認你為我做了好事，雅各布。

What dost thou want in return?

你想要什麼回報？

Please, uncle, allow me to take my wages from thy speckled or spotted sheep and goats and every dark-colored lamb.

舅舅，請允許我從你的有斑點或花斑的綿羊和山羊以及每隻深色的羊羔身上拿走我的工錢。

That way we shalt be able to distinguish which livestock are mine.

這樣我們就能釐清哪些牲畜是我的了。

Deal.

成交。

Son of a bitch double-crossed me!

狗孃養的出賣了我

Jacob used the completely factual, proven, and totally not false concept of getting animals to look at white branches while they mated, so that they would produce white-streaked offspring.

雅各布使用了一個完全真實的、經過驗證的、完全不虛假的概念：讓動物在交配時看著白色的樹枝，這樣它們就能生出帶白色條紋的後代。

Um, don't try this for yourself, but just trust me, that's what happens.

嗯，別自己試，但相信我，這就是事實。

Anyway, Jacob mated the strong animals in front of the branches, but the weak ones he did not mate in front of the branches.

總之，雅各佈讓強壯的牲畜在樹枝前交配，而弱小的牲畜則不在樹枝前交配。

This way, he was able to take all the strong animals for himself.

這樣，他就能把所有強壯的動物據為己有。

Remember, you should totally reject the theory of evolution because of this book, which is obviously totally factual in matters of biology.

請記住，你們應該因為這本書而徹底否定進化論，因為這本書在生物學方面顯然是完全符合事實的。

Okay, now this is fucked up.

好吧，這下完蛋了。

What?

什麼？

Thank you, Jaclyn Glenn, for playing the roles of Rebecca, Leah, and Rachel.

感謝雅克琳-格倫扮演麗貝卡、利亞和拉結。

Jaclyn has contributed plenty of good videos to the God Debate, not to mention politics and social issues as well.

Jaclyn 為 "上帝之辯 "貢獻了大量精彩視頻，更不用說政治和社會問題了。

She's intelligent, funny, and more than worth checking out, so stop on by her channel.

她聰明、風趣，非常值得一看，請訪問她的頻道。

Ms. Johnson, can you remember the day he went from the friend zone to the irresistible primal lust zone?

約翰遜女士，你還記得他從朋友區進入不可抗拒的原始慾望區的那天嗎？

Yeah, it was the day he started wearing those dark matter shirts.

是啊，他就是那天開始穿那些暗物質襯衫的。

You

你