I pray thee to allow some brats to finally climb forth from her sausage wallet.

Eh, what the hell, why not?

Lord, why must mine belly play host to ceaseless MMA bouts?

Get used to it, sweetheart.

Oh, and in case you wanted to pick size, I'd go with the younger one.

That's a freebie.

The first twin to emerge from Rebecca's lady bits was red and covered with hair like a fur coat, so they called him Esau, which means hairy.

When his brother spewed forth from Rebecca's baby cannon, he was grasping Esau's heel, so he was called Jacob, which figuratively means he deceives.

Esau became a most skillful hunter of the open country, while Jacob was quiet, staying amongst the tents.

Isaac, who favored the taste of wild game, loved Esau, but Rebecca loved Jacob.

When Isaac grew old, he could no longer see.

Esau, where art thou?

I am here, father.

Esau, I could die any day.

Go forth and hunt me some of those tasty eats I liketh so much, and then I shalt giveth unto thee my blessing before I die.

Now's our chance.

Quick, bring me some delectable goats.

I shall cook them up the way he likes, and thy shalt serve them, pretending to be Esau, to fool thy father into giving his blessing unto thee instead.

That shit shalt never work, mother.

Esau is hairy, but I'm smooth, see.

If father touches me, thy jig shalt be up.

Leave it unto me.

Here, put on thy brother's clothes.

After I cook the goats, we shalt cover thy smooth skin with the goat hides, so thy shalt feel hairy.

Who do these idiots think they're fooling?

Even if they did manage to fool Isaac with this ridiculous plan, they'd have to fool you too, God Almighty.

Oh, girl, no, you did not up-thumb that bullshit.

Wait, what, Jeffrey?

Are you actually going to grant Isaac's blessing to Jacob just because Jacob is disguised as Esau?

Sure, why not?

Uh, I don't know, because you would be rewarding a lie for personal gain?

Oh, girl, no, you did not just upload that painting of you in that dress.

Um, Pops?

Yes, my son!

Who is it?

It is I, father.

Esau, your firstborn son.

I have done as thou hath said, and hunted you some tasty eats.

Now hurry up and giveth unto me your blessing before you kicketh the bucket.

That's pretty fast service, my boy.

How did thee hunt it so quickly?

Um, because God helped me out.

Holy shit, this guy is stupid.

It's goat, not gazelle.

I mean, it's not like they don't have a bunch of fucking goats right outside.

I thought this guy liked the taste of wild game.

Shut it, Jeffrey.

Come forth, my son, so that I may touch thee and feel if thou art really Esau or not.

My, that's convenient.

Good thing they thought about the goat hides.

Though you sound like Jacob, thy hands feel like Esau's.

Holy fuck, what a dipshit.

Are you seriously going to bless Jacob even though he's lying his ass off right now?

Are you sure you're Esau?

I totally am.

Totally.

Then giveth me some of thy tasty game to eat, and I shalt giveth my blessing unto thee.

I'm back, and I hath hunted down some tasty grub for thee.

Blessing time!

Who was it then, who already brought me eats?

For I already blessed him!

Son of a bitch!

Bless me too, father!

Too late, though thy brother deceived me.

He took thy blessing, not unlike the chariot passenger who calls shotgun.

I'm going to kill that lying sack of shit.

Esau is going to kill thee because of this.

Go stay with thy uncle, Laban, for a while.

You can marry one of thy beautiful cousins while thou art there.

Isaac, I really don't want Jacob marrying one of those Hittite hussies around there.

Hath thou any ideas?

Jacob, go stay with thy uncle, Laban, for a while.

You can marry one of thy beautiful cousins while thou art there.

This has to be the stupidest being who has ever lived.

Look, even though thou art my nephew, Jacob, I should still pay thee for thy labor.

Does thou prefereth cash or credit?

Hmm.

Uncle, I shalt work for thee for seven years if thy fork over thy daughter, Rachel, to be mine wife.

Seems fair enough.

Better thou marry her than someone outside the family, capiche?

Time's up, uncle.

Give me my wife, Rachel, for I very much desire to go balls deep into thy daughter.

No problemo, nephew.

Here you go.

What the hell?

Uncle, you hath given unto me the wrong daughter, and I hath accidentally boinked her.

Oh well.

So giveth unto me Rachel.

Sorry, no can do.

Thou knowest the price.

Another seven years of work, then both of thy cousins shalt be thy wife.

Fine.

Finally, I get to boink Rachel.

Now this is a proper wife.

Hey, Jeffrey.

Let's fuck with them.

How about we just stay out of it and help some people with the real problems?

Uh, it's called free will, Jeffrey, remember?

Except when I wanna fuck with people.

Hmm.

I'll zap Rachel with a little infertility, and then I'll give Leah's baby cannon an extended magazine.

That ought to make things interesting.

Jacob, please give me children or I shall die.

Bitch, I ain't God.

Here, fuck my maidservant.

She shalt bear thee a son for me.

Okay.

Oh, snap.

I told you this was gonna be good, Jeffrey.

Ha!

What now, bitch?

Here, Jacob, fuck my maidservant.

She shalt push out some brats for thee.

If thou insists.

Did you see that shit?

All right, now it's my turn to get knocked up again.

Not so fast, bitch.

Hey, quit hogging him.

Here, thou can have these mandrakes if you let me fuck him tonight.

Well, okay.

Really, God?

Really?

Fine, you can have one more, but that's it.

Oh!

Okay, uncle, I hath worked for thee long enough.

I wish to finally go home.

I can't deny thou hast done well for me, Jacob.

What dost thou want in return?

Please, uncle, allow me to take my wages from thy speckled or spotted sheep and goats and every dark-colored lamb.

That way we shalt be able to distinguish which livestock are mine.

Deal.

Son of a bitch double-crossed me!

Jacob used the completely factual, proven, and totally not false concept of getting animals to look at white branches while they mated, so that they would produce white-streaked offspring.

Um, don't try this for yourself, but just trust me, that's what happens.

Anyway, Jacob mated the strong animals in front of the branches, but the weak ones he did not mate in front of the branches.

This way, he was able to take all the strong animals for himself.

Remember, you should totally reject the theory of evolution because of this book, which is obviously totally factual in matters of biology.

Okay, now this is fucked up.

What?

Thank you, Jaclyn Glenn, for playing the roles of Rebecca, Leah, and Rachel.

Jaclyn has contributed plenty of good videos to the God Debate, not to mention politics and social issues as well.

She's intelligent, funny, and more than worth checking out, so stop on by her channel.

Ms. Johnson, can you remember the day he went from the friend zone to the irresistible primal lust zone?

Yeah, it was the day he started wearing those dark matter shirts.

You