I mean, I thought...

I know, I know.

You already told me there's not enough room for six million animals on the Ark.

That's why I told you to cut out all the different variations and just use the bare minimum.

Yeah, but I did that, and that still leaves us with 17,400 birds, 12,000 reptiles, 9,000 mammals, 5,000 amphibians, and 2 million insects.

Huh...

That's still a lot.

Ah, fuck!

Actually, God, fitting the animals on the Ark is the least of our worries right now.

We should be more worried about the food.

You told Noah to bring any kind of food that needs to be eaten.

Do you have any idea how much an animal eats in one year?

Two elephants are going to require 365,000 pounds of food and 36,500 gallons of water.

What water, Jeffrey?

It's going to be raining.

Yeah, for 40 days.

What are they going to do for the other 325 days?

I mean, the giraffes are going to need 54,750 pounds of food.

The hippos are going to need 65,700 pounds of food.

The two lions are going to need 16,060 pounds of meat.

I mean, all that meat's going to rot.

God, have you thought this through?

Okay, okay, I think I got it.

What if I have Noah bring only baby animals?

Ha, ha, ha, babies?

Okay, God, how are we going to work that out?

Do you want the baby animals to travel to Noah from all around the world?

Because by the time most of them reach Noah, they're going to be adults.

Or, or do you want all the animals to reach Noah and then coexist in the same ecosystem until they all get pregnant and have babies at the exact same time so that Noah can bring them all...

God, this is, this is ludicrous.

This ain't going to work.

Okay, okay, what if we get the animals to hibernate?

Well, even a bear can only hibernate about 100 days at a time, and they're going to be on an ark four times longer than that.

Look, God, none of this even really matters anyway, because you said that the floodwaters are going to cover all of the mountains under the heavens by a depth of 20 feet.

That's going to put the altitude of the floodwaters at 29,055 feet.

All the animals are going to freeze to death.

Those that don't freeze to death are going to become exhausted just from trying to breathe in an atmosphere that has 33% less oxygen, and they're going to suffocate.

This is going to be disastrous, God.

Disastrous.

God, not even most of the sea life is going to survive.

What?

Jeffrey, the Earth's going to be covered with water, perfect for sea life.

Are you kidding me?

You're going to be changing the water temperature, the water pressure, the light filtration, salt water's going to be mixing with fresh water.

God, it's going to kill most aquatic life, too.

Huh.

Okay, I see your point.

Oh, and I just thought of something else, too.

Even if the animals survive the trip, what are they going to do when they get off the boat?

The herbivores aren't going to have any vegetation to eat because it's all going to be wiped out by the flood.

And the carnivores aren't going to have any animals to eat.

Every time they do eat an animal, they're going to make an entire species go extinct.

And that really brings me to my last point, God.

Two individuals of a species is not enough to propagate an entire species.

I mean, you need at least 50 individuals of a species in order for there to be a proper amount of genetic diversity.

And with only two, I mean, you have to inbreed.

And with all that inbreeding, there's going to be severe genetic defects.

I mean, this is not going to work, God.

We're going to have to think of something else.

Okay, Jeffrey, okay.

I know what to do.

I gots me an idea.

Oh, good.

God, good.

I knew you'd come up with something.

Okay, let me write this down.

Hang on.

Let me get my pencil.

Okay.

Let's hear it, God.

I'm ready.

What's your idea?

Magic.

Oh, okay.

So, getting the animals to the ark.

Magic.

Fitting the animals on the ark.

Magic.

Getting the animals to behave.

Magic.

The food.

Magic.

The water.

Magic.

The poop.

Magic.

The freezing cold.

Magic.

The lack of oxygen.

Magic.

Finding food after the flood.

Magic.

The genetic diversity.

Magic.

Huh.

So, God, can I ask you something?

What?

Well, why the fuck didn't you just use magic in the first place?

I mean, you want to kill off all the humans?

Just stop their hearts.

I mean, just make everybody have a heart attack.

Magic heart attacks.

Or, I mean, just send out a plague or something.

What are you thinking, God?

I mean, what are you thinking?

I...

I...

I...

I didn't want...

I didn't want to do a plague.

I didn't want...

I wanted to do a flood.

I wanted to do a flood.

I didn't want to do a flood.

I hated this one.

I hated this one.

I hated this one.

Okay, okay, God.

Okay, okay.

You can do your flood.

Okay, God.

You can do your flood.

You can do your flood.

Do your nice flood.

Okay, we'll do...

We'll use the magic and we'll do it all.

Okay, just like you said.

Okay, calm down.

Calm down.

Fuck me.

What?

Dad, I don't think I heard you right.

What did you just say?

I said God told me that it's up to us to repopulate the Earth.

So get busy.

Have a nice day, son.

Repopulate the Earth?

Hey, Dad.

Hey, I just thought of a new joke.

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Ten little piggies, two calves, a beaver, and an ass.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Go fuck your sister.

You