Smile. Come on. I feel like I'm at a funeral.

Hey, Cupid, on the right. Your nut's hanging out. Adjust it.

Let's get those jocks in place. Come on!

This is where the magic happens.

Wood, how long were you at Chunk Studios?

For a couple of years. Before I got recruited by Colt.

I was so excited to get the call about doing the reunion calendar.

Some of these daddy bears sure have aged well. Uh huh. Oh yeah.

This is so awesome!

I haven't seen some of these guys in almost twenty years.

There's Gage over there! And there's Tucker.

He just did a photo shoot for All Bear Magazine in London.

Wood, how you can tell? Their backs are to you.

I have this weird ability. I never forget an ass. Ever.

There's Turbo.

I can even tell people's asses without seeing their faces.

They have a name for it. Acute Ass Recognition.

Well, you know what they say. It takes one to know one.

Now you're going to make me blush.

But seriously I am an expert when it comes to asses.

You know, yours Nelson

actually remains in the room for a brief second even after you've left because it is so--

Shut up, Wood!

So I'm on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion set

and I'm getting ready to make up Lisa Vanderpump

and Lisa turns to me and she say, "Alfie, can you make me look younger?"

And I'm like "Honey, I'm good at me my job but I'm not a miracle worker."

There's not enough concealer in the world, girl!

I haven't seen that many crow's feet since Hitchcock's "The Birds". You know the movie?"

You have no idea what I'm talking about.

Not really.

Not a word gets in there.

Okay, well you look fan-tabulous so have a wonderful shoot.

You know what the hardest part about this has been for me?

Transforming my body back to its prime.

Getting back to my fighting weight.

Fighting weight? Who do you plan on fighting? Chris Christie?

I loved her on "Three's Company".

Craft services has brownies!

You know I'm always scouting new talent for Chunk

so if you change your mind, here's my card.

Thanks, but I don't think being a Chunk model is for me.

Oh, is it the money?

No, it was more the part about me giving you a blow job in the back of your car where you lost me.

How about the office?

It wasn't the location that was the issue.

How about a rim job?

I'm good. Thanks.

Well, suit yourself.

Great job, guys! Now bend over!

Man, these guys are freaking hot.

You think these slabs of beef make my va-jay-jay break out into a sweat?

Think again, roid boy.

I'm sorry, I just thought--

You know what I want?

Bring me Angelina Jolie dipped in chocolate and let me lick it off her

and then maybe I wouldn't feel so dead inside.

Okay, let's spread your asses!

See anything you like?

I can look, right?

Wood? Wood Burns? Oh my god, is that really you?

Oh, wow, it really is you. I can't believe I'm standing next to Wood Burns.

That is so crazy. I was just down there sleeping.

I'm sorry. I'm Oscar. Oscar Butterfield. It is so nice to meet you. Hi.

I am like your biggest fan. You don't know. You have no idea. You do not know. I don't.

I love your calendars, your movies.

I have seen "Single White Butt Hole" hundreds of times! That's great.

And I love Wood's Bear Cam.

I have masturbated to you a lot so thank you for that. You're welcome.

When Chunk Studios announced they were going to do a reunion shoot, I said, "I have to get on that set!" And I did.

I actually had to crawl through a lot of raw sewage last night sort of like Hugh Jackman in "Les Miz".

Did you see that? Yes. Yeah, it was fine.

Anyway, I washed up in the sink so I'm good. Fresh as a daisy.

I'm all good. I had a nice little nap underneath the pretzels.

And I just wanted to know if I could have your autograph right here. Just across my tits. Just

Just write "Property of Wood Burns". Because that's the truth. You own me, baby.

You are... Oh my god... Wood Burns. Right here. Right here. On my tits.

Security!

Wow. That guy is a huge fan of your friend's.

I totally get it though. I'm kind of a fan of yours.

Really? Oh, you must have seen my performance as the tormented single father with OCD

in the Hallmark Channel movie "I Can't Stop Washing My Hands."

By the way, I did all my own hand work in the close-ups. It wasn't a hand model.

No. I'm talking about your commercial.

Oh, Soak 'Ems?

Yeah. Just thinking of you in that diaper makes me want to shoot my load right here.

It's fate us running into each other.

I just got cast as the lead in a low budget horror movie

and you would be perfect as the small town sheriff.

I would be happy to pass your information along to the director.

Seriously? You know he can look me up at NelsonDorkoff.com.

You would do that for me? Absolutely.

I love you!

Did I mention that I'm also really into older guys?

Oh, great. You must be his assistant. Would you mind grabbing me a banana, granola, some yogurt and all that stuff?

Oh, this is Todd. This is my boyfriend Todd.

Your boyfriend? Yeah.

Oh. Well I don't see it. But hey, I'm Buzz. Great to meet you.

As in buzz off?

Hey, I just realized they probably need me. I'm a model.

These tits, they don't work for themselves. You know what I mean?

Smile. Okay, try and be sexy.

Okay I don't know what that is. One more.

Okay I think July is wrapped.

Let's just skip to December. Where is my sexy Santa?

Uncle Sam wants you.

You had me, Wood. For two years. In every conceivable position.

Austin Walker? Is that really you?

Wow. How long has it been?

Over fifteen years.

Since you dumped me for that twenty-one year old model you met on your first day at Colt.

How did that work out?

He stole my car.

Wood, aren't you going to introduce me?

No. So what are you up to these days?

I'm a chiropractor. I have my own practice.

Listen, I have to get back to work but don't leave without getting my number.

It's so weird being back in front of a camera. I almost forgot how to model.

I know a few poses I wouldn't mind seeing you in--

No, no, no, no.

That looks festive.

You know what, that's a wrap.

Great job, guys. They don't pay me enough.

Great shoot, Cody. You're a natural in front of that camera.

Thanks. But I'm beat. I'm going to need a long soak in my hot tub tonight.

All alone?

Who knows?

What are you doing here?

No! No!