Let me ask you guys something real quick.

You know like when you're outside and the sun is like super bright, you don't have your sunglasses on, you kinda gotta squint a little?

Yeah, I don't.

It's great, cause when people wanna throw sand in my eyes, I'm just like, the percentages are lower.

Like a stupid cocky guy, you know?

Lot of things bother me, you could Google this one after.

In Taiwan, we speak Mandarin, okay?

The word that describes a male in Mandarin is xiao niao.

In direct translation, little bird.

Little bird?

You could've named it anything.

I don't know, maybe a regular-sized bird.

Or an ostrich, or like an eagle, caw caw, whatever, you know?

Other people don't gotta know the size of the bird.

Let them find out.

I just wanna let you guys know, I'm a regular-sized bird.

You guys are like, whatever, little bird, it's the worst.

Five and a quarter.

No, but I grew up in an Asian family and they give you really good saving habits.

Like I've been trying to save money, but in really embarrassing ways.

Like when I go grocery shopping, I don't buy trash bags.

I just try to double bag everything.

Yes, miss, please double bag my bananas and separate them into individual bags, please.

Sir, would you like a receipt in the bag?

Yes, please, and a new bag, and double bag that, too.

I need all of it, seriously.

I think I get it from my grandma.

My grandma's so thrifty.

She's so thrifty.

Like when I was a kid, we never had leftover food because she believes whatever she freezes in her industrial-sized freezer will never expire.

I'm like, grandma, this toast, it's expired.

She's like, okay, I'll freeze it for later.

We got toast from the 1940s.

Her freezer is like a museum for old food, except we eat the stuff in the museum, and it's delicious.

She's a great cook.

But this is how thrifty she was.

This is a real thing.

I was a kid, and I was eating noodles at one time, and I found a cockroach on it, ew, right?

Yeah, that's another thing.

She never admits there's roaches at her house, but she's got bug spray, and she sprays it like it's Febreeze.

It's okay now, Jason.

No, it's not, grandma.

Everybody's gonna die in the house now, except the roaches.

So I was eating noodles, and I was a kid, and I didn't want it anymore because it's got a roach on it.

This is what she did.

She walked over, looked at the bowl.

This is what she did.

Where?

Where's the cockroach, Jason?

I yell at her for you.

I was like, it's on grandpa's face now.

You not see it?

Right there, half dead, half alive.

I'll just have that toast on the 1940, thank you.

Okay, I didn't throw you some noodles, but later.

That's the worst.

I got my ass beat a lot when I was a kid.

I did, by my parents, but they would always try to justify it and try to make me the bad guy.

Like, they'll tell me all the time, we beat you because we love you.

Like, try to make me feel guilty for not appreciate the beatings.

Like, you know what's the worst?

The worst is that you can't tell mom somebody beat you up after school when she's the one doing it.

And you can't tell daddy either because he's just waiting to be tagged in.

You can't tell the teachers, but first of all, they beat you too.

And if you tell the teachers that your parents beat you, they're just gonna be like, oh, that's great that your parents is involved in your academics.

It's the worst thing.

But all the kids get the same thing.

It's just a matter of what tools they use to beat you.

Like, a lot of Asian parents, their tools is whatever they're wearing on their feet that they just, fast.

You know what I mean?

Did you see that?

No, you didn't, because it's too fast.

Boom, long range.

It's versatile.

But all the kids get the same thing.

Like, there's one time I was showing my cousin, there's like bruises on my butt.

And yeah, and then he took off his shirt and there's just big bruises and big marks.

And I start to feel really sad because I'm like, oh my God, his mom loves him more.

He got jealous, you know?

So I ask him, and what did you do exactly?

But all the kids get the same thing.

But what really sucks is that you can't fight back either because you're too small, right?

But this one time I got super excited.

My dad's car got towed, right?

And I went out to him, he super stopped, but I went out to him and I was like, hey dad, remember when you took my toy car away?

Well, now you know how it feels, sucker.

You can't just leave them anywhere you want to, remember?

Definitely gonna tell mom, screw you.

And then I ran as fast as I could.

But mid-run and dawned on me, I still gotta go home to get my ass beat because my home is really his home.

But that's how I got to America.

That is really how I got to America because they're just like, we're too tired of beating you, we're gonna send you to a military school.

I'm like, no, not military school.

But then I loved it, I ended up loving it because on the first day I found out, teachers don't beat you here.

It's the best.

Compared to home, it was like a resort.

Like my parents still didn't know.

They're like, you're gonna eat there and sleep there, Jason.

I'm like, oh my God, it's all inclusive.

The worst they do to you is make you do pushups.

So your punishment is to get healthy.

You're talking too much, now get healthy.

Oh my God, this is amazing.

I'm gonna get buff, go home, beat my dad's ass.

All right guys, thank you so much.

My name is Jason Chan, give it up.