And to get this across to the partner in a way that they're going to understand, which in practice means with as much kindness and politeness as we can possibly scrape together.

We normally do things quite differently.

We say, "I don't care in the slightest when you come home, I'll be asleep anyway,"

when we really mean, "I miss you so much. I'm rather upset that you keep going out with your friends."

Or we say, "Go to hell and die, I hate you," when we really mean, "I'm terrified of how much I depend on you."

Or we get into heated arguments about politics when we crave something far more domestic, a hug.

Or we sternly criticise their timekeeping because they didn't ask more about our day.

Or we find fault with their mother because we're furious that they've repeatedly sidestepped sex.

Or we say, "Will you stop fussing around the kitchen preparing things I don't even want to eat," when we really mean, "I'm being cruel because I don't know how else to express my hurt."

Why can't we more often say what we mean?

We aren't just being silly, none of this is simple.

In a better arranged world, we would have Olympic competitions to focus our minds on and celebrate the skills involved, and the winners would be given large houses and often appear on television.

To speak candidly yet kindly is as complicated as to play the violin and perhaps a good deal more useful and beautiful.

We don't say what we mean because we have no experience of anyone pulling off such a wondrous and mature feat anywhere around us.

We were likely to have been brought up by people who said things like, "You're off my hands now, it doesn't matter to me what you do," when they really meant, "I crave closeness and wish you would call more often."

So here are some examples of what we should try to do.

Take A and turn it into B.

So A is, "Shut the hell up about your stupid friends."

And B might be, "I'm feeling a bit ignored at the moment, it sounds a bit ridiculous I know, but I can't help but feeling a little bit jealous of how much time you seem to be spending with your mates."

Or A might be, "I never want to see you again, you stinking rat-faced little shit."

And B would be, "It seems I'm feeling really pretty upset at the moment and it makes me want to take a bit of distance.

I guess deep down, I'm terrified you're going to abandon me."

Now over to you.

A, "I don't give a damn who you talk to at the party."

And B might be...?

Or imagine A being, "Why didn't you tidy the kitchen?"

B might be...?

Or if A is, "Fuck off and die," B might be...?

It's easy to get carried away with large plans for our futures.

But we can improve them immeasurably with one modest-sounding, extremely difficult vow.

To pause at key moments and ask ourselves, if I were going to try and be three things – honest, kind and polite – what would I say now?

This could change our lives.