Name: 友誼筆記 | 過度思考、分手、加深關係、摩擦 (Notes on Friendships | overthinking, break ups, deepening relationships, friction)
Uploaded: 2024-08-29T16:18:48.000Z
Duration: 16 min 17 s

情態助動詞 B1

Hello friends. Yeah, you. I'm calling you a friend because chances are if you click this video, you might feel some type of way about the friendships in your life. Maybe insecurity, maybe some doubt, maybe a lot more. But I am here to hold your hand and we're going to break down all things friendship. So let's get started. Now I'm going to be real here. Throughout the years,

朋友們好對，就是你。我叫你朋友，是因為如果你點擊了這個視頻，你很可能會對你生活中的友誼有某種感覺。也許是不安全感，也許是懷疑，也許更多。但是，我在這裡牽著你的手，我們將打破友誼的一切。那麼，讓我們開始吧。現在，我實話實說。這些年來

情態副詞

I have been a spectacular friend. I have also been a very shitty friend. I've been a straight up mid vanilla friend, but at the right age of 33, I think I finally refined it so that I know how to be a better friend to those in my life. Let's look a little deeper. Let's look inward.

我曾是一個了不起的朋友。我也曾是一個非常糟糕的朋友。我一直是個中規中矩的朋友，但在 33 歲這個合適的年齡，我想我終於完善了它，從而知道如何成為我生命中更好的朋友。讓我們看深點。讓我們向內看。

轉承詞

Let's ask ourselves the questions. What kind of friend am I? What do I have to offer? Essentially, these questions are good little like thought experiments to understand your own self-worth and what you are bringing to the friendship potluck. Because the reality is you attract what you are, not what you want. Anyway, I've done my homework already, so I will share my list.

讓我們捫心自問我是什麼樣的朋友？我能提供什麼？從根本上說，這些問題就像思想實驗，可以讓你瞭解自我價值，以及你為友誼大餐帶來了什麼。因為現實是，你吸引的是你自己，而不是你想要的。總之，我已經做了功課，所以我將分享我的清單。

I've been told that I'm a great hype woman. If you have a goal, I want to help you achieve it.

有人說我是一個很會炒作的女人。如果你有目標，我想幫你實現。

You want to sell some coins on Etsy? Let's do it. Run a marathon. Let's go. I feel like I get like an actual contact high when I see my friends growing and evolving. It just makes me so freaking happy. I'm also a good listener. Some people can remember the lines of a movie front to back, or can explain string theory. But my superpower is that I have this uncanny memory when it comes to conversations. If you tell me something or share something with me, chances are I will remember it and follow up. And this last one might sound a little weird, but chances are I won't envy anything you have. I know it's a bold statement, but I know I'm a secure person where someone's success doesn't trigger or activate anything in me other than genuine happiness. Like you never have to dim your light to make me feel comfortable. In my opinion, the more attuned and self-aware about your great qualities and not so great qualities, the better of a friend you can be.

你想在 Etsy 上出售硬幣嗎？來吧去跑馬拉松走吧當我看到我的朋友們不斷成長和進步時，我感覺自己就像真的接觸到了毒品。這讓我非常開心。我還是一個很好的傾聽者。有些人可以從頭到尾記住一部電影的臺詞，或者解釋弦理論。但我的超能力是，我對談話有著超乎尋常的記憶力。如果你告訴我一些事情或與我分享一些事情，我很可能會記住並跟進。最後一點可能聽起來有點奇怪，但我有可能不會羨慕你擁有的任何東西。我知道這是一個大膽的聲明，但我知道我是一個有安全感的人，別人的成功不會觸發或激活我的任何東西，除了真正的快樂。就像你永遠不必為

When I reflect on all the most tumultuous times of my friendships, it's when I was not in a good headspace. It's when I had low self-esteem and a lot of self-doubt. That's when I can be envious or competitive or second guessing whether my friend even likes me or just dragging friendships that have been needing to end. And of course, a lot of these revelations happen through years of journaling and therapy. This is also where I want to take a quick minute to thank BetterHelp for sponsoring this video. I've definitely become a better friend to others and myself through therapy. And I think it's because my therapist gets the rough, rough draft of anything that I'm going through, especially when it comes to friendships. Because when you're talking about friendship conflict, sometimes it could be a little like, eh, to talk about it with other friends because it's kind of like, is this gossip or am I just trying to work things through? With the therapist, I like knowing that what I'm going through is entering an airtight container. Therapy has been a great way for me to resolve the things that have been bubbling up in my friendship sector.

當我回想起我的友誼中最動盪的時光時，正是我頭腦不清醒的時候。那是我自卑和充滿自我懷疑的時候。這時候，我可能會羨慕別人，或者爭強好勝，或者猜測我的朋友是否喜歡我，或者只是拖著已經需要結束的友誼。當然，這些啟示很多都是在多年的日記和治療中得到的。在這裡，我還想花一分鐘感謝 BetterHelp 贊助本視頻。通過治療，我無疑成為了他人和自己更好的朋友。我想這是因為我的治療師瞭解我所經歷的一切，尤其是當涉及到友誼時。因為當你在談論友誼衝突時，有時會覺得和其他朋友談論這件事有點像 "誒"，因為這有點像 "這是閒話還

So if you guys are down to dabble in some therapy, you can have BetterHelp connect you to a licensed therapist to help you and your mental health. And getting started is a breeze. You just go to my link, betterhelp.com slash Jen, answer a few questions, and then BetterHelp will connect you to a professional, usually within 48 hours. From there, you can have your session either on a phone, computer, call, video chat, or even messaging. So if you'd like to give therapy a go, again, my link is betterhelp.com slash Jen, or you can choose Jen Im during signup to enjoy a special discount for your first month. All right, so now that we've done our inner work, let's explore the outer world.

是以，如果你們想嘗試一些治療方法，可以讓 BetterHelp 幫您聯繫有執照的治療師，為您和您的心理健康提供幫助。入門非常容易。您只需訪問我的鏈接，betterhelp.com slash Jen，回答幾個問題，BetterHelp 就會幫您聯繫一位專業人士，通常會在 48 小時內完成。在那裡，您可以通過電話、電腦、呼叫、視頻哈拉甚至是簡訊進行諮詢。所以，如果您想嘗試一下治療，我的鏈接是 betterhelp.com slash Jen，或者您也可以在註冊時選擇 Jen Im，享受第一個月的特別折扣。好

We're gonna do a really fun exercise, guys. This is called a friend map. I want you to list every friend, acquaintance, even like friends that you'd like to get closer with on that list. It's gonna come in clutch when you have those nights where you're just crying, being like, I have no friends.

我們要做一個非常有趣的練習，夥計們。這叫做 "朋友地圖"。我要你們把所有的朋友、熟人 甚至是你們想拉近關係的朋友 都列在這張單子上當你晚上哭著說 "我沒有朋友 "的時候 這張圖就派上用場了

You'll know that it's a lie because you have this list. Look at it, memorize it. Who is in your inner circle? Honestly, if you have a rotation of three good friends in your life, you are good. But let's say you only have one. Maybe it's time to look at that list of acquaintances and prepare to graft.

你會知道這是個謊言，因為你有這份清單。看看它，記住它。你的核心圈子裡有誰？老實說，如果你的生活中有三個好朋友，你就很不錯了。但假設你只有一個。也許是時候看看這份熟人名單，準備嫁接了。

Really think about what chapter they are in their lives. I mean, I think this isn't like a huge thing to consider for your close friends because they will make time for you no matter where you guys are in life. But I find that this is helpful, especially with new friendships, because it helps when you guys are on a similar path. So questions like, are they married? Are they single? Do they have kids? Are they more work oriented? Are they going to school? Are they that random unemployed friend who is in Ibiza on a Tuesday afternoon? Are they more of a homebody? So next to the friends list, I want you to make a list of all the activities and interests that you would like to enjoy with a friend. So my big one is I want to have some deep and real conversations. These are the type of friends that you can hit up and be anywhere, like a Costco parking lot, just talking about the meaning of life and also wondering why matcha is $12 in LA. Once you have this list, try slotting your friends in each one of these sections. Some are just going to be very specific and some are going to tick a lot of those boxes. I do this because it's a lot to expect one friend to tick every single one of your needs. Like your introverted but like deeply reflective homebody friend might be great for a night in, but probably not the friend to take out to a warehouse party, you know, and that's okay. The ones that tick many of those boxes, those are your unicorn friends.

認真想想他們的生活處於什麼階段。我的意思是，我認為這對你的密友來說並不是一件需要考慮的大事，因為無論你們在生活中處於什麼階段，他們都會抽出時間來陪你。但我發現這很有幫助，尤其是對於新朋友來說，因為當你們走在相似的道路上時，這很有幫助。所以要問的問題包括：他們結婚了嗎？他們單身嗎？他們有孩子嗎？他們更注重工作嗎？他們在上學嗎？他們是週二下午在伊維薩島的失業朋友嗎？他們是宅男宅女嗎？所以，在朋友名單的旁邊，我希望你列出一份你希望與朋友一起享受的所有活動和興趣的清單。最重要的一點是，我希望能有一些深入而真實的對

Keep them, cherish them, they are so freaking rare and consider yourself lucky. So now that we got the organization part out of the way, let's talk about building and maintaining a friendship. My biggest tip on that is to reach out. Reach out! Reach out first and never keep a tally on who reached out first because you will honestly be setting yourself up for disappointment. We all have seasons, we're all going through stuff, so do not be afraid to be the first to initiate something. As long as they're saying yes, that's all that matters. Keep that friendship momentum going. Ask them out for dinner, go to a karaoke bar, go on a hike, go on a picnic, organize a beach day. Do not take it personally if people can't make it. Just keep going down that list and find someone that says yes eventually. You gotta shoot your shot, baby! Like honestly, life is way too short to just be twiddling your thumbs waiting for something to magically appear. You have control of your own life. So once you've locked in some quality time, here are some things that I keep in mind to deepen a friendship.

留住它們，珍惜它們，它們太稀有了，並認為自己很幸運。既然我們已經把組織的部分講完了，那我們就來談談建立和維護友誼的問題。在這方面，我最大的建議就是伸出援手。主動聯繫！先伸出援手，永遠不要記誰先伸出援手，因為說實話，你會讓自己失望的。我們都有不同的季節，我們都在經歷一些事情，所以不要害怕成為第一個主動聯繫的人。只要他們答應了，這就足夠了。保持友誼的勢頭。約他們出去吃飯、去卡拉 OK 吧、去遠足、去野餐、組織海灘日。如果有人不能去，也不要放在心上。繼續往下看，最終會找到答應的人。寶貝，你得把握機會！老實說，人

I think the best types of friendships are ones where you can just dive right in, you know? I just can't keep things at surface level the whole time, you know? That's like just splashing around the kiddie pool. No, I want to get deep. I want to go in the dark waters with you and then like come back on the shore and splash around again. And when a friend is sharing something with you, let them spread out. Ask them deeper questions. And if you can't think of a question, just like a simple earnest, wow, tell me more. Goes a long way, especially if they're like really excited about the topic. And a conversation doesn't always need to be 50-50 right on the dot, but it should feel balanced, you know? At best, it feels like a really satisfying game of ping pong where you guys are snapping back and forth. But you know, there are also times when a friend needs the world of you and when you need the world from your friend. That's true, real friendship right there. Regardless, it's important to be vulnerable first. In the words of the great Brene Brown, a lot of times when we enter social situations, we are wearing this clunky, heavy armor in hopes that it's going to protect us. We might feel guilty or shameful about opening up about something a little too personal in our lives, but when you do that, you're just hurting yourself. You're bottling that shit in. That's not good for you. But it's easier for someone to open up when you take off that armor first. You're like, you know, I'm done. This is me. Accept it or leave it. And oftentimes, that inspires them to take off their armor too. Let's say you're that type of friend that doesn't want to share something dark or too sensitive in hopes that it will kill the vibe. Try this thought experiment. Imagine the situation is reversed. Imagine that a good friend is really struggling with something and wants to open up to you about it. How would you feel? Personally, I would feel honored that they feel safe enough to share that information with me. Like never once have I been at a party being like, God, I was really enjoying myself at the bar until my friend wanted to talk about grieving the loss of a parent. Never. True friends will always be there when you need them.

我覺得最好的友誼就是你能直接投入其中，你知道嗎？我不能一直把事情停留在表面，你知道嗎？那就像在兒童游泳池裡嬉水一樣。不，我想深入。我想和你一起進入黑暗的水域，然後回到岸上，再次嬉戲。當朋友與你分享一些事情時，讓他們散開。問他們更深層次的問題。如果你想不出問題，只需簡單認真地說聲 "哇，告訴我更多"。這樣會有很大幫助，尤其是當他們對話題非常感興趣的時候。談話不一定非要五五分成，但應該感覺平衡，你知道嗎？在最好的情況下，這感覺就像一場非常令人滿意的乒乓球比賽，你們來回搶答。但你要知道，有時候朋友需要你的全世界

It's like a seesaw. Sometimes you're down, then they spring you back up. Vice versa. How do I know when to keep a friend? I think the biggest factor for me in this is after each hang, I kind of check in with myself and see how I'm feeling. Do I feel lighter or do I feel drained? Overall, I feel lighter. Even if what we spoke about was dark as f**k, I still feel just more fortified because I know we've got each other's backs. But if you notice that after each hang, you're feeling heavier or you're just kind of like second guessing, like do they even like me? I think it's important to not ignore this. It might be a time to just put some space, let the friendship breathe, or pull them over for a chat. Love Island style. Our intuition is a big thing and I think we should listen to it a lot more. Now in a friendship, there will be friction because as humans, we are imperfect.

這就像蹺蹺板。有時你倒下了，他們又把你拉起來。反之亦然我怎麼知道什麼時候該留住一個朋友？我覺得對我來說，最大的因素是每次連線後，我都會檢查一下自己，看看自己感覺如何。是感覺輕鬆了，還是感覺精疲力盡了？總的來說，我感覺輕鬆多了。即使我們談論的事情是黑暗的，我仍然覺得更堅強了，因為我知道我們彼此支持。但如果你注意到，每次約會後，你的心情都會變得沉重，或者你會猜測，他們到底喜不喜歡我？我認為重要的是不要忽視這一點。也許這時候你應該留出一些空間，讓友誼喘口氣，或者拉他們過來聊聊天。愛情島》風格。我們的直覺很重要，

Sometimes we act shitty unintentionally or sometimes the chemistry is just off. But these are some things that have helped me navigate times of hardship in a friendship. This is the hot take, but do not try to change your friend. When you are deciding that you want to be friends with someone, you have to accept them exactly as they are right now. If you are trying to change someone, that is your weird way of attempting to control them. You have to let people be who they are and if you spend any time trying to change someone, you're just draining your own precious energy. You're gonna be so disappointed and we are done with our Bob the Builder era. For example, we all have that friend that is consistently late to the function. Every time, without a shadow of a doubt, they're gonna be late. They're gonna be texting you being like, I'm on the way. You're like, no you're not bitch. I know you're at home. And the thing is, we still love them because once they arrive, it's a good time. Instead of criticizing them or just being like passive-aggressive on their tardiness, what if, what if we just accepted them as our tardy friend? You know, you can't change them. You just can't. You're not God, but you can change your thoughts and you can adapt. It makes sense to meet them at a place where time's not going to be a big factor. You can invite them over to yours or offer to go to theirs. Be like, hey I'm gonna bring some wine and cookies. How does that sound? And then another easy trick is if the dinner's at 7, tell them it's at 6 30. My personal trick when I'm hanging out with the tardy friend is that I just bring my Kindle or like another piece of reading material so that way when I'm waiting, I'm actually getting some reading in. So it's a win-win. I feel like these small adjustments can really help with the health of a good friendship. Now I want to cover confrontation. As we've established, we are all deeply imperfect. We're gonna mess up. Let's say there's a friend that's not treating you right. It's killing your vibe. Maybe on a night out she's just picking on you or making you feel small. If it's really bothering you, I think it makes sense to have a chat about it. You know, it doesn't need to be a crazy big intervention style. If you don't speak your mind and you let it roll over every single time, that irk is gonna mutate to resentment and resentment is a demon y'all. It is really really hard to shake off when resentment's living in your heart. It boils, it ferments, it mutates even further. It's dark. So better to just clear the air and there is no play-by-play on handling difficult conversations but my rule of thumb is it's not what you say, it's how you say it. So really simple, hey yesterday when you said x y and z about me, it made me feel like this and if they're a true friend, they're gonna be like oh my god I didn't even realize I did that. I'm so sorry and then the behavior can be resolved. Most of the time our behavior is completely subconscious. So honestly if a friend pulled me over saying that I made them feel a certain way about a certain thing that I did, I would be all ears, apologize and we can move forward. But let's say that friend is acting hostile and defensive. I think it's time to give that friendship a little break. Moving on to more of a serious example of confrontation. Let's say you have a friend who is making life choices that you don't agree with. Before you confront them, really reflect on what the situation is. Is this coming from a place of judgment or actual genuine care?

有時我們會無意中表現得很糟糕，有時化學反應就是不對。但這些都能幫助我渡過友誼的難關。這是熱門觀點，但不要試圖改變你的朋友。當你決定要和某人做朋友時，你必須接受他現在的樣子。如果你試圖改變一個人，那就是你試圖控制他的奇怪方式。你必須讓別人做他們自己，如果你花時間試圖改變一個人，你只會耗盡自己寶貴的精力。你會非常失望的，我們的鮑勃建築工時代已經結束了。例如，我們都有這樣一個朋友，他總是遲到。每次，毫無疑問，他們都會遲到。他們會給你發短信說，我在路上了。你會說，不，你不是婊子。我知道你在家但問題是，我們還是愛他

This is an extremely delicate area because you just do not want to come off preachy because immediately walls will go up. You got to remember that everyone is just trying to figure out their own shit. People are going to do what they're going to do and they will change when they want to change. Not because of something you said. As much as our ego would like to believe that like oh my god it's me. No. They change because they wanted to. It just shows that we're all on our own timelines and that means making mistakes. A lot of them. I think that's one of the hardest things about life. It's watching the people you love make devastating choices to learn the lessons that they need to.

這是一個極其微妙的領域，因為你不想讓人覺得你是在說教，因為馬上就會有牆倒。你要記住，每個人都在努力解決自己的問題。人們會做他們想做的事，當他們想改變的時候，他們就會改變。而不是因為你說了什麼。儘管我們的自我很想相信，就像天哪，是我。不，他們改變是因為他們想改變。這隻能說明，我們都有自己的時間線，這就意味著會犯錯。很多錯誤我覺得這是人生最難的事情之一看著你愛的人做出毀滅性的選擇 去吸取他們需要的教訓

You just got to trust the process. I'm a firm believer that friendships have seasons. The only constant thing is change and we have zero control on who decides to stay in our lives and one of our big life lessons is to be at peace with that. Friendships can fizzle for a lot of reasons.

你只需相信這個過程。我堅信友誼是有季節性的。唯一不變的就是變化，我們無法控制誰會決定留在我們的生命中，而我們人生的重要一課就是要平靜地接受這一點。友誼會因為很多原因而消失。

Maybe someone moves. They have kids. They get into a relationship. Changes their career or maybe it's something deeper and we should normalize that friendships wax and wane and most of the time it's not even worth having a conversation about because it's like a mutual understanding.

也許有人搬家了。他們有了孩子。他們談戀愛了。我們應該將友誼的消長正常化，大多數時候，這甚至不值得一談，因為這就像一種相互理解。

I call this a friendship winter and the signs are all there. It's when they reach out to you and you're just really struggling to find a date that works or if like the day finally comes and you're just like filled with dread. That is probably a sign that you need to let the friendship breathe.

我把這叫做 "友誼的冬天"，各種跡象都有。當他們主動聯繫你，而你卻苦於找不到合適的約會對象，或者終於等到那一天，你卻滿心恐懼。這可能是一個信號，你需要讓友誼呼吸。

I have been in both positions. The reacher and the reachy. The reality is we all have such a limited amount of free time. We spend a lot of our time working and then if you have like a little side project thing like a passion project thing you want to spend some time in that. If you're a parent you gotta mom it up. Then you're just trying to do some self-care stuff to recharge. Any free time that's remaining should be spent on the friends that are feeding you. Fueling you. Life is too short to spend it with people that you just don't want to. I mean release the guilt. Release the obligation. This is your freaking life. Probably just in different life paths. Maybe you guys will merge again. I do want to cover friendship breakups though because they are just awful but a part of life. Friendship can only work when both parties want to participate and if one of y'all want to bounce our job is to radically accept that. If you're up for it you can ask your friend why they want to break away. I think it's worth hearing out what they have to say in my opinion. You don't need to take it all to heart but you will be getting feedback from someone who spent a lot of time with you. It could be a path for growth but let's say they ghosted you with no response. This is when you're gonna have to put your creative hat on and come to your own conclusions. I realized that everyone I know has a different version of me in their head and that's a narrative that I can't control. We're all multi-faceted people that have just ever-changing moods depending on the environment or the place that we're in our lives. If I am in a period of self-doubt and self-hatred

這兩種姿勢我都做過。既是 "高攀者"，也是 "高攀者"。現實情況是，我們的空閒時間都很有限。我們把很多時間都花在了工作上，如果你有一個小的副業，比如激情項目，你就想花點時間在那上面。如果你為人父母，你就得當家作主。然後，你要做一些自我保健的事情來充電。任何剩餘的空閒時間都應該花在為你提供食物的朋友身上。為你加油。人生苦短，不能把時間花在你不想花的人身上。我的意思是釋放負罪感。釋放義務。這就是你的人生也許只是在不同的人生道路上。也許你們會再次合併。不過，我還是想說說友誼的破裂，因為它們實在太可怕了，但也是生

I am not going to be vibrating high at the function but if I have crossed off everything on my to-do list I'm feeling electric. I am just gonna be bouncing off the walls and your true friends are the ones that accept all versions of you exactly as you are and instead of lasering in on that one friend that doesn't want to be a part of your life you have to remember it's their loss baby. Look at all the friends that choose to stay in your life. Friendship is always going to be a two-way street.

我不會在活動中情緒高漲，但如果我已經把待辦事項清單上的所有事情都做完了，我就會感覺很興奮。你真正的朋友是那些能夠完全接受你的所有樣子的人，而不是把目光投向那個不想成為你生活一部分的朋友，你必須記住這是他們的損失，寶貝。看看那些選擇留在你生命中的朋友。友誼永遠是雙向的。

 Remember who you are and what you bring to the table and if you're having one of those days where you're feeling really sorry for yourself bust out that list and read all those great qualities and attributes that you bring to the table. You have to be your own hype man you know no one else is going to do it better than you. So that is a wrap on this video. Before I head out if you are interested in starting therapy let BetterHelp connect you to a therapist in the comfort of your own home. Visit betterhelp.com slash Jen or click Jen Im during the sign up for a special discount of your first month. Alright thank you so much for watching and I'll see you guys in the next one. Bye!

記住你是誰，你能給我們帶來什麼，如果有一天你覺得自己很可憐，那就拿出那份清單，讀一讀你能給我們帶來的所有優秀品質和特質。你必須成為自己的炒作者，你知道沒有人會比你做得更好。本視頻到此結束。在我離開之前，如果你有興趣開始治療，讓 BetterHelp 幫你在舒適的家中找到一位治療師。請訪問 betterhelp.com slash Jen 或在註冊時點擊 Jen Im 以獲得第一個月的特別折扣。好了，非常感謝大家收看，我們下期再見。再見

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友誼筆記 | 過度思考、分手、加深關係、摩擦 (Notes on Friendships | overthinking, break ups, deepening relationships, friction)

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