What is going on folks?

It's your boy Stefan Johnson back with another star-studded food review.

If you're new here, my name is Stefan Johnson, I just said that, pay attention children, and every week I bring you food review, comedy, and voiceover content.

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We are a traveling snack daddy today and I promise I'm going to take you for the ride.

I am in sunny Burbank, California this weekend hosting a voiceover convention and when I'm in California I always make sure I eat some tasty little tidbits.

So I posted a few APBs on social media and I asked you guys what should I put in my belly while I'm here in California and numerous, upon numerous, upon numerous of you fucks told me to go to Porto's Bakery.

And then I got to the hotel and I realized, goddammit, it's 1.8 miles away, so goddammit, we're going to Porto's Bakery.

I'm going to take you for the ride, vlog style.

Let's go bitch.

So I'm outside the hotel waiting for the Uber now and I had a question for you guys.

If there's anywhere in California you want me to try, because I'm going to be in and next year for different projects and visiting and whatnot, if there's anything you want me to try, let me know down in the comments so I can archive them and make sure I hit the ones you want me to hit.

Also, it is cold as fuck out here.

I'm thinking it's California so it's going to be like a balmy 80 degrees and it's like 50.

I could stay in my black ass in Cleveland if I was going to deal with 50 degree weather.

You said you had it before and it's good?

A lot of times.

Yeah?

What kind of stuff should I have?

They have sandwich, they have plates and they're caked.

Yeah?

Yeah, because I hear about the sweets, but I didn't know they do like food, food too.

So they do sandwiches?

Yeah, they're good.

Yeah?

I see the passion in your face.

So I asked my Uber driver, is there anywhere else in this area within walking distance that's worth trying out?

And the dude was very honest with me, he said absolutely not.

He said there's nothing else in this area, that's where it's god damn okay we go, you have to give us a big car, we get it, because he said there's nothing else in this area that's worth trying.

And I'm like, it's kind of hard to believe, I'm going to do my own research, but he was like, once you have Portos, you're not going to want to have anything else, so I have very high hopes for this, because this man basically shitted on this entire neighborhood saying how good Portos is compared to everything else, so we're going to see, but I might try and find something else too, I don't know, stay tuned.

It's so fucking loud out here, I'm going to need subtitles, I'm going to have to program subtitles in this fucking video, my god.

I got the Cubano sandwich, I got a potato ball, a cheese roll, and a guava cheese refugio, and she said that was the most popular snack, sandwich, and drink, and the two most popular desserts.

I'm following her lead.

If I should have gotten something else, let me know in the comments, because I try to trust the folks that work here, you know what I mean, I try to put my faith in their hands, my life in their hands, my day in their hands, so we'll see if we can trust the employees at Portos Bakery.

Stay tuned.

Oh, so an employee just told me, these are trackers, but they have to be on this mat in order for them to find me, so they are working with the top fucking tech out here, I'll tell you, they are living in the year 3007, I'll tell you.

Alright, so I got my guava lemonade, all types of aromatics in there as well, I am super excited for that, but we are still waiting on the food, I'm not going to take a sip of that until I get my food.

So we got everything here, I'm going to take a sip of the drink first, because I'm going to use that to hold up my phone while I film the rest of this, because I'm a poor planet, and I forgot to bring my little mini table tripod.

Oh wow.

There's like a thickness to it, it's like almost minimally viscous, if you will.

You know how like Sunny Delight is?

Not the taste, but like the consistency, it's like a thickness to it.

With that said, that is very refreshing.

There's a little bit of mint in it, with the citrus of course, and I don't eat guava often, but it's almost like a little bit of an earthy sweetness.

Does that make sense?

Is that a thing?

Earthy sweetness?

That's pleasant.

But anyway, definitely refreshing.

I'm going to crack open this Cubano first.

Crispy edges.

You see the juice coming out of this.

And if you don't know what a Cubano is, I'll leave its description right here, because I forget the technicalities of it, I don't want to get blamed by you guys in the comments, so if you want to know what a Cubano is, I'll put a little something right here.

Let's try it.

The meat is so tender.

The moisture just envelops your tongue.

They've achieved a nice balance with the crispness of the bread, but it still manages to hold up.

So again, all the moisture in the sandwich, mustard, the cheese.

This is outstanding.

Let's do this.

Now, I wasn't expecting these.

I didn't know I got plantain chips, I guess.

They're okay.

They don't really taste like much.

They're a beautiful texture, but I don't know.

I would eat them again, but I would never request them again, you know what I mean?

Now, let's try this potato ball.

I'm not even sure what's in it.

Oh!

It's like meat and veggies in this.

It's probably ground beef, some kind of gravy or sauce, and then green peppers and red peppers, and then surrounded by potato, some kind of breadcrumb crust, and deep fried.

So we're probably looking at kind of like a shepherd's pie thing going on right here.

Let's see.

Going in.

I'll be damned.

I'll be damned.

This is fantastic.

It's like a mobile shepherd's pie.

The gravy, the peppers, the potato, the meat, the crunch.

That's wild.

That's wild.

Now for the desserts.

Now, I forget which is which.

I got a cheese roll.

Shit gets real over here, you guys.

Shit's wild.

And I'm eating a yard away from this shit.

Okay.

So I got a cheese roll and a guava cheese refugi.

I'm going to assume this is a cheese roll because I don't want to see anything guava-like here.

So let's try the cheese roll here.

It's not even fair.

It's not even fair.

So imagine a cheese danish, right?

Where the cheese in that danish is creamier, not as sweet, just sweet enough.

Crispy pastry with a hard, sugary coating.

And the pastry itself, it almost reminds you of a cross between a cannoli and maybe like a crispy croissant.

You know what I mean?

Let me see if you can hear this crunch behind the chaos.

This is the loudest fucking city on the planet.

But this is phenomenal, you guys.

Finally, this must be the guava refugi.

Guava and cheese refugi.

Which seems to be another cheese danish kind of a thing.

I already see the flakiness.

I think it's like a croissant.

So imagine what I'd describe as a cheese roll without the sugar top.

But you add this really tart and refreshing guava jelly.

Perfectly balanced.

Between the most delicate pastry you could think of.

Delicate yet crispy.

It's just crazy.

It's just ridiculous.

Folks, I would give this experience an easy 10 out of 10.

And I've had a lot of food in California.

I've had birria.

I've had seafood.

I've had all the fast food chains that are only in this region.

This may be the best thing I've had in California.

No exaggeration.

Just like the quality of the ingredients.

The uniqueness of how they're put together.

This place has such a reputation for a reason.

And it's not like the fast food spots like In-N-Out.

Where everyone goes fucking apeshit for In-N-Out.

And it's just a regular fucking burger.

You know what I mean?

Fast food is one thing.

But like a place like this.

I think there's only like four or five or six of these in the area.

But one good thing about a place like this is that they take the time to do it right.

They're not worried about expansion.

Right?

They're not worried about just selling the most food across the country.

You know they do deliver.

From what I understand they do deliver like nationwide apparently.

But they're focused on doing what they do and doing it right.

So alright folks.

I'm gonna finish this shit here.

And then try to find somewhere else.

Maybe there'll be another California video coming.

Who knows?

But if you like this video make sure you subscribe.

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Folks, you've been great.

I'll leave some fun stuff right here.

And I'll also leave some fun stuff right here.

Click some things around my head.

I've been me.

You've been you.

And I'll see you soon.