Uh, just out of curiosity, how did you find out about this?

I'm a detective sergeant in the NYPD.

Holt told me.

Why you cutting me out of the operation?

What? That's crazy.

Boyle, come in here and stand in front of my body and tell him that's crazy.

Ow! My lucky face!

You gonna talk to me now?

Uh, sure.

Uh, if you could be any vacation...

Oh!

You didn't let me finish.

If you could be any vacation, what would you be?

I'd be skiing.

Yes, Gaga, yes!

That's the spirit!

Next thing I know, cabin's filling up with smoke, alarm's going off, engine flames out and dies.

We're in a dead stall.

I look over at the pilot, Sam Power.

Great name.

He's white as a sheet.

And he says to me, I'll never forget what he said.

He says,

Bob has got a big old butt.

Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me and I promise you, you will love it.

Can you magically do it?

I promise you, you will love it.

Can you magically make everyone kind, sober and fully dressed?

Kind, sober and fully dressed.

Good news, everyone.

We found the name of Santiago's sex tape.

Yeek!

Blast of cold air coming out of that box.

Name of Amy's sex tape.

Hey, man, come on. Not cool.

I'm going through something.

Just let me have this one.

What's up, you little turds?

Wait, what is going on?

We have the plaque.

I just got it out of the vent to rub it in your faces.

I just got it out of the vent to rub it in your faces.

Name of your sex tape.

What?

I'm so confused.

I don't know what's happening right now.

I'm so confused I don't know what's happening right now.

Title of your sex tape.

Oh, my God, I'm shaking.

I'm definitely gonna cry.

Title of your sex tape.

What do you have to say for yourself?

The whole NYPD knows where you are and they're coming for you right now.

Okay, thanks for the tip.

Let's kill them both, get out of here before the cops come.

Wait, no, no, no, no, no.

I was lying about the backup.

I came alone.

Title of my sex tape.

Dress is out-of-towners.

Hope the perp picks us up.

Don't worry, Sarge.

We'll nail this guy.

Grand Theft Auto.

Grand Theft Auto.

Dog fraud.

I saw the guy fake Pekingese.

T'was a cat.

You will not win me over with your use of t'was.

T'wasn't trying to.

No, no, no.

I know why you're so upset, man.

I'm the one who had to come to this backwater stinkhole.

What's up, little man?

What's up?

You feeling sexy, huh?

Yeah, I feel sexy.

Yeah, you look sexy, man.

You know I do.

Watch out for that door.

Yo, how much you benched?

Seriously.

All right, let's do this.

Who's got theories?

Uh, alarm didn't go off.

All three alarms, all with battery backup?

Come on, who wants to take this seriously?

Ooh!

She was taken in her sleep.

That's what I'm talking about.

Super dark, Boyle, but way more plausible than the Sarge's idiotic alarm clock theory.

I bet she tucked herself into bed too tight and got stuck.

Maybe she fell into another dimension where she's interesting.

It's 9 a.m.

Why is no one working?

Amy Santiago is a few minutes late.

And we're all trying to guess why.

I like to play.

I'd say she's in line at the bank.

This is fun.

It is fun, but you're all wrong.

She clearly slipped through a subway grade and is having terrible sex with a mole man.

There she is, Amy.

Where have you been?

We've been worried sick.

Do you care to explain yourself?

I'm just 70 seconds late.

It's not a big deal.

Don't worry about it.

Santiago, you will tell us, and you will tell us now.

There was a problem at the bank.

Hot damn!

This is the boat.

Now, Charles has to think we're totally sober and we solved his puzzle, so we good?

Yep, I'm drunk as hell.

That's not what I asked.

Don't worry about me.

I've seen you do enough of these harebrained schemes that are hard to play along.

If Charles asks, what's wrong,

I'll just put on a coy smile and say...

nothing.

Amazing.

That is actually perfect.

Well, we did it, Ames.

We made the world's hottest baby.

Say cute, Jake.

Nope.

This kid is liquid fire.

I need your help.

That's what friends are for.

Well, friends might be a bit of a stretch.

I mean, you're a cannibal that ate six people.

Nine and a half.

Yet worse.

Anyway, here are my options.

A, I keep pestering Romero to tell me where the drugs are.

He realizes I'm a snitch, then he castrates me and kicks me to death.

That's not great.

What's option B?

I back off Romero, never find out where the drugs are.

The warden tells everyone

I'm a snitch, and then Romero castrates me and kicks me to death.

Option sound...

A little castrate-y.

Yeah, that's what I keep bumping up against, too.

Well, you know, whenever I'm backed into a corner,

I just do what I do best.

I drive across country, forge a new identity, and then take a job as a camp counselor.

Oh, my God.

Caleb, you're a genius.

I wouldn't say genius.

That camp ran a pretty extensive background check.

No, not that.

Your past is a straight-up nightmare.

But I need to do what I do best, be a cop, work the case, and figure out where the drugs are on my own.

Then you tell the warden, and the warden will bust Romero.

And Romero won't think

I'm a snitch because he never told me where they are.

All right, this is gonna be tough.

I'm really gonna have to thread the needle.

Ooh!

I got really good at threading needles.

Back when you were making your skin suit,

I know.

Look, I like being friends with you, but you have to stop bringing that up.

But we're friends.

I know I said

I was gonna do the whole hype man thing, but...

I know.

I shouldn't compare myself to my brother.

We're all on our own journey.

What?

No.

Who told you that garbage?

I was gonna say

I love you, too.

Amy!

Jake!

David and I both arrived an hour early.

We're sharing a French onion.

Mother.

You know how it is when you have a chance to bed an older woman.

No, that is not an older woman.

That's an old woman.

That's someone's grandma.

She was, actually.

That's how I met her at the college with her grandson, Marvin.

Don't, don't knock it to your tree.

She had a replacement hip with some serious torque.

No.

It was like having sex with a transformer.

That is no one's fantasy.

Sweet set up.

What do you make here?

Don't worry about it.

Oh, cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

You know how to stay, man.

Great.

Thanks.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Morale.

Morale.

Morale.

Okay.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

I'm sure Mark doesn't have the authority to do any of this.

You will all sit at your own desk and work the cases I assign you, But you will be missed.

Thank you, captain.

Thank you for trusting me.

Okay, now call us all names and storm out of here for the benefit of the bullpen.

This is the best day ever.

I'll miss you guys.

And your mother.

And your mother.

You're all a bunch of pigs.

I smell bacon!

And guess what else, captain?

You can take this tie and shove it straight into your hellhole!

Captain, lieutenant, the dance was great and it really helped.

Thank you.

Dance?

What dance?

She doesn't know what she's talking about.

Mommy brain much?

Captain Holt and I did a hip-hop dance routine.

Oh.

I see.

Well, you know what?

I don't even care that I missed it.

Because right now, I am holding my son, and there's nothing more important in the world than that.

I have a video if you want to see it.

Amy Holt, this baby.

Rosalie, give me that phone.

Give me that phone.

Everyone wash your hands.

Hey, Gina.

You got that file I needed Captain Holt to sign?

Mm-hmm.

Gina hasn't taken her eyes off her phone in two hours.

First person to make her look up wins the pot.

I'm in.

A bet which improves someone's manners, double score.