Thank you.

I started walking towards the stage three comics ago.

Forty years ago, when I started doing stand-up, everyone told me it was a great way to meet women.

We'll see.

I joined a dating site for people my age called Carbon Dating.

I asked a woman on the site for her number.

She told me it was 140 over 95.

The great thing about dating a woman my own age,

I don't worry about meeting her parents.

Before I got my hearing aids, my crowd work was terrible.

I asked an audience member where he was from.

He said my mama. I heard Miami and said I've been there.

Recently, my Uber driver was from Egypt, and when I got into his car, he was talking over a phone in Arabic, only I didn't see any device, so I thought he was talking to me using syllables I didn't recognize.

And I thought, so, this is what a stroke is like.

People become clumsy in old age.

Anybody ever drop their phone in the toilet?

There you go.

I did, and after I did, I put my phone in a bag of rice.

Anybody ever drop a bag of rice in the toilet?

I took a quiz on Facebook called,

I was a spirit animal.

I got extinct.

I had a colonoscopy, and when it was over, they said, we'll see you in 10 years, and I thought, but fuck you will.

I tried using that face aging app.

They said, nah, you're good.

I'm a gamer. Do we have any gamers?

What's your game?

I'm sorry?

Rocket League.

Tic-tac-toe.

Sometimes till 7 o'clock at night.

Walking can be difficult for me at times.

I do worry about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet.

I also worry about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

I used to smoke cigarettes.

I was a heavy smoker.

I would even smoke when I went jogging, which is stupid, of course, so I quit jogging.

I love smoking cigarettes.

I'd smoke after sex.

I'd smoke during sex.

Sometimes I would skip sex and just smoke cigarettes.

I'm officially an old man.

I give unwanted advice to total strangers.

I told a kid to pull his pants up.

His underwear was showing.

He mocked me, tried to give me a wedgie, but the joke was on him.

I was wearing the pins.

I got a brochure in the mail for a prepaid cremation.

No, no, it's a great deal.

If you die in a fire, you get half your money back.

Thinking of getting a tattoo?

I'm just not sure what kind I want to get yet.

I'm thinking maybe barbed wire, a skull, my home address.

It's tough getting older.

Went into an antique store.

They wouldn't let me leave.

Looked up, saw that light, started to walk towards it.

I asked Siri a question about my life expectancy, and she changed the subject.

There's some advantages to being my age.

Frequently people will stand and offer me their seat, which is great on the bus, a little creepy in the men's room.

I'm from Houston, Texas, and I can now ride the city buses in Houston for free, which is great news for the women of Houston.

I can be anywhere in four and a half hours.

I went to the doctor because I thought.

I thought I had arthritis.

I don't.

I have early-onset rigor mortis.

A friend asked me if I wanted to participate in the Adopt-a-Grandparent program.

I said, sure.

Now I have a 95-year-old man on my hands.

I'd love to be a grandfather, but I don't even have children.

I need to get busy.

Ladies, if you're ever in Houston,

I can be anywhere in four and a half hours.

Every time I leave my apartment,

I have to go back because I forgot something.

Tonight I reached for my wallet, and wouldn't you know it, I'd forgotten my pants.

I found this new technique, which has improved my memory.

I've quit listening to people, so I have less crap to remember.

I am a recovering alcoholic.

I have 36 years sobriety.

Well, thank you.

There were a lot of one-night stands back in the day.

Here's how it would go.

I would get drunk, meet a woman, go back to my place, have sex, call myself a cab, leave.

Remember it was my place?

One night that lady asked me to spank her.

I asked her why.

She said I'm into discipline.

So instead of spanking her,

I made her go stand in the corner.

That was a difficult relationship.

She had multiple personalities, and I'm bad with names.

In college I wrote a paper entitled

The History of Public Intoxication in the United States of America from Colonial Times to early this morning.

I flunked out of college twice.

First time because I was a drunk.

Second time I was sober, but the shit was hard.

I loved drinking during the holidays.

I'd get drunk and go trick-or-treating.

Every holiday I would get drunk and go trick-or-treating.

I loved drinking before a show.

Not my show, Good Morning America.

I got arrested once for drunk driving.

Not only was I drunk, but I'd been smoking hash.

When I took the breathalyzer test,

I inhaled, tried to pass it to the cop.

YOLO.

So I was arrested, pled guilty.

For my community service, I left the community.

My first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting did not go well.

I mean, it's anonymous, right?

I wore a ski mask.

I am 74 years old.

Life expectancy for men is 76 years.

Life expectancy for women is 81 years.

I figure if I transition...

I just paid off my student loan.

Thank you very much.