Nah, it's more like a very mean old man carrying a sad house on his back.

Yeah, or like an evil wiener poking out of a ravioli.

Please tell me that isn't a puppy.

Definitely isn't a puppy.

I can't believe you've done this, Richard. A pet is a big responsibility and I don't have time to look after a...

Ugh, what on earth is that?

It's a labradoodle.

It's a labraturtle.

If you kids wanted a turtle...

We didn't want a turtle.

Well, you should have thought of that before making your dad buy one.

And you better take good care of it, because that little guy is your responsibility.

For as long as he lives.

Look, I agree he's kind of mega gross, cold, wet, smells like a belly button, and has the beady eyes of a ventriloquist dummy, but he's part of the family now, so we're going to love him like a Watterson.

Okay, where do we start?

Well, the best way to make a bond with a new pet is physical contact.

Eek, my little guy.

Maybe not.

Dude, don't let your fear prevent you from having a beautiful relationship.

I'm not scared, I just don't think he likes me.

Really? The I-feel-sorry-that-you-can't-feel-love face?

Fine, I'll touch him.

Oh, come on, that's not petting. He can't feel anything on his shell.

Alright, fine.

What the...

Oh, okay.

There, there. Good boy.

Happy now?

Oh, it's even grosser on the inside.

Would it make me a bad person if I said I really, really don't like this turtle?

Yes. Yes, it would.

Okay, I'll just think it really, really hard.

I really, really don't like this turtle.

Okay, maybe he's not ready for physical contact yet.

Maybe he's just hungry.

I get pretty cranky when I'm hungry.

What are you gonna feed him, souls?

I'm sorry, but I'm calling it.

That turtle is evil incarnate!

I'm sure he's more scared of us than we are of him.

Who knows what's going through his head right now.

Bite, bite, bite. Eat food for strength to bite, bite, bite.

Make little turtles to bite even more.

Or maybe he's just anxious because this is our territory.

We should give him his own space.

There. You can bring him over now.

Dude, if you treat him like a vicious criminal, he's bound to behave like one.

Put him down.

Good. Now take off your armor.

You have to trust him if you want him to trust you.

Okay, now what?

Talk to him.

Talk to him.

And now we just sit back, relax, and watch him become at one with us and his surroundings.

Now I know what you're gonna say.

You promised you'd take care of it.

You're shirking responsibility.

But ask yourself this.

Who's really responsible here?

The person who was given the responsibility?

Or the person who gave that person the responsibility?

I say technically, you can only blame yourself.

That is a very convincing argument.

Unfortunately, to persuade this family CEO, the turtle would have to do something absolutely horrific.

Oh my gosh, it's absolutely horrific!

I can't believe you did that.

I mean, there's horrific, and there's absolutely horrific.

Horrific, but you were...

Dad, this is a parking lot. Where's the store?

It's gone.

What do you mean it's gone?

It was right there.

It was a small store.

It was bright red.

It had a door that slid open like this.

And the man inside sold puppies and watches and stereos and fur coats and golf clubs and fireworks.

And he was such a nice man.

Dad, that was a van.

A van.

He bought a turtle from a man in a van.

Such an awesome store.

What's that?

He picked up my car as well.