The Daily Show presents Indecision 2024, the first presidential debate, again!

Now with 50% less, oh man!

Here's your host, Jon Stewart!

Hello everybody!

Hello!

Welcome to The Daily Show!

My name is Jon Stewart.

The second presidential debate has just wrapped up.

We are live, well technically, technically I guess this is the second presidential debate.

The first presidential debate of this matchup.

I can't wait to see who the winner will take on next.

I think!

Well, Comedy Alive, ladies and gentlemen, the stakes couldn't be higher as we all try and figure out who will be the next president of Paul Wynnev-Miazgank.

It's an exciting night for citizens of that esteemed nation.

As the rest of us watch with great interest from the neighboring country of No One Gives a Shit-istan.

By the way, if you have any friends in Paul Wynnev-Miazgank, can you see if they can do anything about congestion pricing?

Alright, forget it.

But so far, it seems like this presidential race is going to be a tight one.

The election, now a dead heat.

Separated by razor thin margins.

Neck and neck.

Feels like a jump all race right now.

For all intents and purposes, horseshoes and hand grenades, it's a coin flip.

The tightest race in a generation.

As tight as it can get.

As tight as a tick.

As tight as a too tight bathing suit and a too long car ride home from the beach.

That seems very tight.

It's as tight as a teenage boy's pants during a Sidney Sweeney film festival.

It's tighter than Sidney Sweeney's scheduling windows, given how busy she is with projects and in demand as a producer to say nothing of the...

Anyway, she's very talented.

Of course, with an election this tight, it is important to build out a more diverse coalition, and recently, Donald Trump has picked up the unexpected support of former Democrats,

RFK Jr. and Tulsi Gabbard, and might even have picked up one of Jeffrey Epstein's most esteemed former lawyers.

I am no longer a Democrat.

I am no longer a member of the Democratic Party.

This was not my party.

I just felt appalled when I watched the Democratic National Convention.

I can't associate myself with the party itself.

No. Wait. Don't go.

Oh, you're no longer in the Democratic Party, Alan Dershowitz?

Alan Dershowitz?

Well, guess what?

Democrats don't want you anyway, because the Democratic Party has standards, okay?

Last week, former Vice President Dick Cheney endorsed Vice President Harris.

Would you excuse me one second?

I don't know what came over me.

Anyway, going into the debate, one thing was...

I'm sorry. You know what?

Dick Cheney, can you meet me over by camera one?

Fuck off.

Seriously.

Fuck off.

You came this close to destroying the entire world.

We were this close.

Closer than a teenage boy's pants.

No!

I'm not going to have any fun with this.

And by the way, who in God's name is that endorsement going to sway?

Well, I like the Democrats' policy on child tax credits, but are they bombing enough Middle Eastern countries?

There's still some buildings standing.

Someone should really do something.

I'm fine. It's fine.

Seriously, though.

Fuck that guy.

Now, obviously...

Oh, please.

What an erudite takedown.

Obviously, each candidate was going to have their goals and strategies.

For Kamala Harris, it was going to be quite a needle to thread.

She's got, like, two minutes.

Is there anything else?

Really?

After doing all that?

You know, Trump was encouraged to take a simpler approach.

Kamala say everything.

Trump say nothing.

But here's what you do, Mr. Former President.

If Kamala says something that surprises you, you just go...

And if Kamala says something that makes you angry, you just go...

And if Kamala says something that makes you feel sexy time, you go...

Oh, yeah.

So those were the goals.

Both candidates have now entered the arena.

Biden and Trump did not greet each other.

And Kamala...

Oh, wait, she's going...

She went for the handshake, ladies and gentlemen.

What an incredible display of the awkward tension that happens when your son is dating a biracial girl and you meet her parents for the first time.

Do I?

Konnichiwa!

As per tradition in American politics, the first question is always asked by the most handsome person in a 10 to 15 mile radius.

When it comes to the economy, do you believe Americans are better off than they were four years ago?

Ooh, first, yowza.

Oh, yeah.

Second...

Answer the question, Ms. Vice President.

I imagine and have actually a plan to build what I call an opportunity economy.

My plan is to give a $50,000 tax deduction to start-up small businesses.

I intend on extending a tax cut for those families of $6,000.

Holy shit, we're one question in and we're all millionaires!

Oh, my God!

Donald, your response to the question, is the economy better now than it was four years ago?

We have millions of people pouring into our country from prisons and jails, from mental institutions and insane asylums.

They're dangerous.

They're at the highest level of criminality.

They are taking over the towns.

They're taking over buildings.

They're going in violently.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I just want to say after surviving the PTSD of the last presidential debate, how unbelievably refreshing it is to go back to the same old, nobody's gonna answer any fucking questions!

This is unbelievable!

We're back!

America is back!

Yeah!

You ask them a question, they just turn the tide and answer whatever they want to answer.

And now that we're returning to the cliches, the standards of American political theater,

I think it's only fair if someone would do the honors of the first baseless ad hominem.

She's a Marxist.

Everybody knows she's a Marxist.

Her father's a Marxist professor in economics.

And he taught her well.

But when you look at what she's done to our country...

Oh, shit!

She's about to be like,

Motherfucker, let's just do this.

I'm gonna...

Boom, boom!

She's about to...

A Marxist, she's about to open up a can of ass-capital on Donald Trump.

Lindsay Davis, you better change the subject before the fingers on Kamala's hand unite.

I want to turn to the issue of abortion.

Oh, boy.

I'm not superstitious, but this is where the wheels fell off for Biden.

He was asked about abortion, and he somehow spun it into why are immigrants raping people?

And he ended with a classic phrase we'll never forget, and that's when we finally beat Medicare.

They're feeling it, too, ladies and gentlemen.

As before, President Trump, you have the first crack at answering why you killed Roe v. Wade.

We've gotten what everybody wanted.

Democrats, Republicans, and everybody else, and every legal scholar wanted it to be brought back into the states.

And the states are voting.

And I did something that nobody thought was possible.

Jon Stewart from the I Was Watching Show has a question for you.

Jon Stewart from the

I Was Watching This Live Times Picayune.

What you just said, yeah, that's actually insanely false.

The majority of people wanted it.

You know what?

Kamala Harris, Kamala Harris, can you address this with a bit more eloquence?

I have talked with women around our country.

You want to talk about this is what people wanted?

Pregnant women who want to carry a pregnancy to term, suffering from a miscarriage, suffering from a miscarriage, being denied care in an emergency room because the health care providers are afraid they might go to jail, and she's bleeding out in a car in the parking lot?

She didn't want that?

Holy shit.

She crashed that?

This is like...

This is like...

What?

This is like one of those Groundhog Day movies where you get to go back and fix the bad way that something happened earlier to the good way, and then you learn Italian and the piano, and then you get sad and then despondent, and then you learn how to love yourself.

Anyway, Trump will now finally have to answer to his abortion policy.

You know what it reminds me of?

When they said they're going to get student loans terminated and it ended up being a total catastrophe.

Ah, you don't have an answer?

Student loan smoke bomb, poof!

But we're settling into a rhythm here.

Nice back and forth.

I got to give it to Trump.

He's sticking to his guns, and he's not letting Kamala Harris get under his skin.

I actually think she's not going to be able to needle him.

I'm going to invite you to attend one of Donald Trump's rallies.

He will talk about when mills cause cancer, and what you will also notice is that people start leaving his rallies early out of exhaustion and boredom.

Oh!

Oh, shit!

He's just going to start taking off his earrings and be like, that's it, motherfucker, let's go!

Folks, the eagle has landed.

She has attacked what is Donald Trump's most cherished family member, his rally crowds.

Donald, remember your training.

The question is about why you killed the bipartisan immigration bill.

You don't need to think about the other...

First let me respond is to the rallies.

She said people start leaving.

People don't go to her rallies.

Son of a bitch!

People don't leave my rallies.

We have the biggest rallies, the most incredible rallies in the history of politics.

Our country is being lost.

We're a failing nation.

In Springfield, they're eating the dogs, the people that came in.

They're eating the cats.

They're eating...

They're eating the pets of the people that live there.

What the fuck just happened?

Because these unbelievable rallies, people don't leave, and they're eating dogs!

In Springfield, the immigrants are eating people's dogs!

Which reminds me, if I may for just a quick moment...

A quick reminder to all the pet owners out there.

Always remember to leash your dogs.

It's an important way to keep your dogs from fighting other dogs or being hit by a car or being eaten by your immigrant neighbors.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Also, fuck off, Dick Cheney.

I'm sorry.

You were saying?

I just want to clarify here.

You bring up Springfield, Ohio, and ABC News did reach out to the city manager there.

He told us there had been no credible reports of specific claims of pets being harmed, injured, or abused by individuals within the immigrant community.

I've seen people on television...

Let me just say here...

The people on television say my dog was taken and used for food.

So maybe he said that, and maybe that's a good thing to say for a city manager.

I'm not taking this from television.

I'm taking it from the city manager.

People on television say my dog was eaten by the people that went there.

Again, the Springfield city manager says there's no evidence of that.

Having spent some time in Springfield myself,

I believe I know what's happening here.

I believe Trump himself may be becoming one of Springfield's most famous residents.

And I believe we have some footage.

It's right in being old.

No one listens to you.

Hey!

Someone eat my dog!

Hey!

And finally, no debate with the former president would be complete without addressing the president... former president's closing number of the Trump show's first term.

Mr. President, on January 6th, you told your supporters to march to the Capitol.

You said you would be right there with them.

Is there anything you regret about what you did on that day?

It wasn't done by me. It was done by others.

It would have never happened if Nancy Pelosi and the mayor of Washington did their jobs.