I have very small, no earlobes.

You're a tough guy.

You have such sweet little ears.

No earlobes.

I know.

I break all the movie star rules.

You stole them from an action figure or something.

Hello there.

Hi.

This is Ryan Reynolds.

This is Hugh Jackman, right?

Yeah.

The real one.

Oh, that's awesome.

You remembered.

Yeah.

That's fantastic.

Well, they wrote it right there.

Oh.

Phonetically.

Right.

That's nice.

Yeah.

We're here to recap all the bad words.

Fights.

Fourth wall breaks.

In the first two Deadpool movies ahead of the third film.

All right.

So, a good place to start is actually not a Deadpool movie.

I think a great place to start is X-Men Origins Wolverine.

What do you think, Ryan?

Don't do it, Hugh.

I'm just saying.

It's technically the beginning of our on-screen relationship, and yeah, we don't like to talk about this one too much.

No, I do.

Logan deals with finding love, losing love, getting an adamantium, no, no, it's not that way.

A skeleton.

Sorry.

An adamantium skeleton is surgically grafted to his whole body.

Painful.

He goes on a journey of vengeance, I believe, but also self-discovery.

Right.

And then there's this asshole, Wade, running his mouth until it's completely sewn shut.

The Stryker finally figured out how to shut you up.

Well, yeah, that was fun.

That was a really smart move that he had nothing to do with.

Well, we work together quite a bit, or for a bit at least, in the movie as mercenaries, but then Wade, he gets turned against Logan by the villain William Stryker.

Is that who?

That's right.

Logan kills Wade, or so he thinks, and he goes on to have various adventures with the

X-Men.

2016.

2016.

Yeah, it's his first solo movie.

Wade Wilson is a street-level, muscle-for-hire kind of mercenary.

Cockshot!

Falls in love with Vanessa, a prostitute.

Easy.

Wade gets cancer.

You're clowning.

You're not clowning.

I sense clowns.

People react to news of late-stage cancer differently.

And is offered treatment in a lab run by an artificial mutant named Ajax.

Ajax subjects Wade to experiments that cure his cancer and give him powers of regeneration and acute reflexes, but leave him seriously disfigured.

Did I say this was a love story?

No.

It's a horror movie.

And hours in makeup.

Yes.

Yes.

That was a terrible choice at the time, I realize now.

Damn it.

Yeah, Wade...

It'd just be one scar.

Yes, right?

A bad one.

We can't just CGI this.

So Wade escapes.

He escapes the lab, and he goes on this revenge mission to track down Ajax.

Now, Vanessa thinks he's dead, and he doesn't want her to know how f***ed up he looks for fear of rejection.

Yeah, he's ashamed.

He feels a lot of shame.

He's in a highly militarized shame spiral.

Wade then crosses paths with Colossus, the Negasonic Teenage Warhead, one of the greatest comic book names ever, ever, ever invented.

And they're members of the X-Men, and they try to curb his more violent tendencies, which is easier said than done.

And they are part of the X-Men, but they are the, as I understood it at the time, the affordable ones.

And the other affordable ones that we made.

We made lots of affordable ones.

Yes, exactly.

Like Blind Al.

Love Blind Al.

Wade's foul-mouthed blind roommate.

And Dopinder, a friendly taxi driver.

Love Dopinder, too.

Yeah, exactly.

On paper, this sounds like a disaster, actually.

So there's a final battle where Wade, Colossus, and Negasonic, they team up against Ajax and his right-hand muscle Angel Dust.

Also, DMX plays.

Ajax takes Vanessa captive during the fight, but Wade saves the day and gets to reunite with her.

Yes.

That said, he still doesn't want her to see his face.

So what does he do?

He staples a picture of this guy.

With a lot of makeup on.

He uses his forehead, cheeks, and chin to cover it up.

Yeah, just...

Ow.

Like a band-aid, just give me...

Ow.

Yeah, and don't forget the post-credit tease.

Show the clip.

Oh, but I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret.

For the sequel, we're going to have cable.

All right.

So that brings us to Deadpool 2.

Oh, my God!

Oh, yeah.

Deadpool 2 is a family film.

True story.

Wade successfully won the Deadpool suit and Monica for a few years, killing bad guys, general mercenary stuff, you know?

Yep.

Fails to kill one of his targets, who follows him home, and then fortunately kills Vanessa.

Thank God I didn't have to use the cream cheese spreader.

Wade is destroyed and trusting.

That's where I learned fridging is, and immediately backtracked.

Fridging?

Fridging, yeah, you can't just kill your love interest.

It's, like, a terrible thing to do.

You've got to, like...

Oh, right.

Yeah, you've got to create proper character arcs for everybody.

That's a good point.

But Wade is destroyed.

Yeah, he is destroyed.

He tries to kill himself, but Colossus and Negasonic save him, giving him new purpose as an X-Man in training.

With training, you can be X-Man.

You're wasting your time, shiny Jesus.

I'm not X-Man material.

Understatement of the year.

Their first mission is to take down a fire-wielding mutant named Rusty Collins.

But Rusty's real name in the movie is Fire Fist, which Deadpool finds incredibly funny.

Wade, he kills a member of Rusty's orphanage after learning that they abused him.

Wait, what did you do?

No.

He was abused.

You can tell you can always tell.

We have rules.

So Wade and Rusty are taken to a special prison.

How is that?

Well, not a white-collar place, I'll tell you that much.

Where they're forced to wear power-inhibiting collars.

Is that right?

Am I reading that right?

Yeah, power-inhibiting collars.

Power dampeners.

Inhibiting.

That's what we called them.

It took his power away, leveled the playing field.

Please, after you.

The disgusting mutant off the streets.

God bless America.

It's good to taco.

This time we also meet a character named Cable.

He's a mutant whose family is actually killed by Firefist in the future.

And Cable is traveling back in time right now to kill Firefist and obviously prevent this.

Right.

He attacks Firefist, Rusty, at the prison but Deadpool steps in to protect him.

Hello, Russell.

Ow!

Firefist, he teams up with Juggernaut to bust out of this prison.

Russell.

Russell, you're okay.

Oh, thank...

Oh, my God!

Juggernaut!

I thought that was you.

I should have worn my white pants.

And he heads off down the long, windy, lonely, breezy road of villainy.

I'm gonna rip you in half now.

That is such a Juggernaut thing to say.

Wade then assembles with X-Force with Domino, Bedlam, Shatterstar, Zeitgeist,

Bannister and Peter Wisdom to save Firefist from Cable.

But they all die in tragic but hilarious fashion.

Oh, God.

I'm gonna throw up in my mask.

Oh, yeah, that was sad.

Yeah.

X-Force dying like that.

Yeah.

Who wrote this s***?

So anyway, Wade, Domino, Colossus and Megasonic, they team up again when Firefist is about to commit his first murder.

And Wade then sacrifices himself to save Firefist, thus preventing Cable's traumatic future.

Cable, who can now only use his time travel device one more time, decides to go back in time and save Wade, even though it means he can't return to his family in the future.

No, my family's safe.

And I didn't do it for you.

No, I'm gonna stick around for a while.

Make sure the world doesn't s*** itself into oblivion.

Oh, you did it for me.

Generous.

Yeah, beautiful.

But it was also his way of saying,

I'll play this guy again.

Yeah, right.

And I hope he does.

Yeah.

But in the post-credit sequence,

Megasonic and Yukio conveniently repair Cable's device, allowing Wade to go back in time and save Vanessa.

I hope you sharpen the cream cheese spreader.

If I could turn back time.

And Peter.

Peter!

X-Men!

Look!

Away!

This has been pretty scary.

And he kills off his own X-Men Origins character.

Hey, it's me.

Don't scratch.

Just cleaning up the timelines.

Then he also kills actor Ryan Reynolds before he can sign on to make Green Lantern.

And that was just for a bit of housekeeping.

Nice.

Which I made Fox pay for.

I want to just clean up a few mistakes.

That's perfect.

And they were fine with that.

I need your advice.

I need some cleaning up to be done.

Yeah, that's great.

It's very handy.

Wolverine and Deadpool.

Sorry.

Sorry.

We wanted to call it that, but legally we couldn't have had to call it that.

Deadpool 3.

Or Wolverine 10.

And Deadpool and Wolverine.

Wade has retired, basically, from Super Heroics.

He's working at a used car dealership called Drive Max.

While celebrating his birthday, the Time Variance Authority, the TVA, seen before in Loki, grabs Wade out of his own reality and tasks him with a greater mission.

What are you, Wolfen?

Who's asking?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is that supposed to be scary?

The R rating isn't new for me, friendo.

But it is for Disney.

At this point, Wade, he basically decides or takes it upon himself that he is going to find Wolverine and he's going to, by hook or by crook, get Wolverine to help save Wade or Deadpool's reality.

Look, lady, I'm not interested.

All right, well, I'm sort of on the tick-tick, so opsy-daisy.

And Emma Corrin plays the villain, Cassandra Nova, who is a super powerful telepath.

Cassandra's technically an alien, but also kind of a twisted sister of Professor Xavier.

Not Twisted Sister like Dee Snider.

I don't get that.

Deep cut.

Dee Snider was in a band called Twisted Sister.

We're not gonna take it.

Okay.

No!

You only listen to John Tesh and Yanni.