Ladies and gentlemen...

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Ladies and gentlemen, this country is still abuzz about Tuesday's night debate when Kamala Harris shook Donald Trump's hand, then handed him his ass.

It was... it was, I got to say, it was, uh...

it was fun to watch.

It was fun to watch, instructive.

Also, a very public curb-stomping, because Tuesday's debate was watched by 67.1 million people, making it...

making it the most-watched TV show in the United States since the Super Bowl.

That makes sense, because the winner of the Super Bowl and the debate were both endorsed by Taylor Swift.

Of course...

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Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Of course, according to J.D. Vance,

Swift's endorsement isn't that good.

We admire Taylor Swift's music, but I don't think most Americans, whether they like her music or fans of hers or not, are gonna be influenced by a billionaire celebrity who I think is fundamentally disconnected from the interests, uh, and-and the problems of most Americans.

Good point. God knows the last thing Americans need is a billionaire celebrity fundamentally disconnected from the interests and problems of most Americans.

Vance, thank you for your service, Gwyneth.

Vance isn't alone here.

Both Trump and Vance say they don't care about Taylor Swift's Harris endorsement.

And the surest way to know someone doesn't care is when they keep telling you how much they don't care.

I mean, I-I don't care... I don't care that...

I don't care that Julie married a dentist named Chet Marinacci who lives at 272 Willis Avenue, is into scuba diving, and has a labradoodle named Nugget.

Shh! Here he comes.

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Oh, fuck you, Nugget.

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And just a reminder, in a CNN poll taken immediately after the debate, 63% said Harris won, and 37% said Trump won.

Which... which, of course, just means that 37% of Americans don't own TVs.

Despite this reality, Trump says he won, posting,

People are just starting to give me credit for having a great debate.

The voters and voter polls showed it, but the fake news media wasn't giving the credit that was due.

Now they are seeing the results with independent voters, evangelicals, and more, and saying,

Wow!

Okay. All right.

That's fine.

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All right, but wow can mean a lot of different things.

Oh, you graduated the top of your class? Wow!

You spent the valedictorian speech shouting about people eating pets?

Wow.

Now, no matter what he says publicly, it sure seems like Trump knows he lost that debate, because earlier today, he truthed this.

Comrade Kamala Harris and Crooked Joe have destroyed our country.

There will be no third debate.

Wow.

Oh.

Oh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

You know... you know J.D. Vance is gonna try to keep Trump away from Springfield, Ohio, now, because he is clearly a little scaredy cat.

Not all, but not all of Trump's pals are blowing smoke up his ample keister.

Take RFK Jr., who said this on Fox News.

I think that, uh, Vice President Harris clearly won the debate in terms of her delivery, her polish, her organization, and her preparation.

Surprisingly cogent analysis from Kennedy there.

Is it possible that he ate a second, smarter brain worm?

Ate the first one? He went on.

RFK Jr., he continued.

I think on substance, uh, President Trump wins.

On substance?

On substance.

Anyone who thinks Trump won that debate on substance is clearly on a substance.

Of course...

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Beautiful.

That's beautiful. Beautiful remark.

Of course, Bobby Jr. recently endorsed Trump, so Neil Cavuto asked him if he has any regrets.

Just to be clear, then, Robert, you are not changing your mind, uh, or fearing that you hooked up with the wrong horse here.

How dare you, sir?

RFK Jr. would never hook up with a horse.

He would wait in the bushes till the horse was hit by a car.

Then he would eat the horse.

Today, sure, in some cultures, it's perfectly nor... a nice baguette.

Uh, today, Trump was in the swing state of Arizona, and the Arizona GOP welcomed him with a billboard that said, eat less kittens, vote Republican.

Cute.

But why are you seizing on Trump's most embarrassing moment of the debate and using it for a campaign ad?

After Biden's debate, you didn't see billboards saying,

I don't know where I am, vote Democratic.

Now...

Love you, sir. Love you, sir.

My favorite interview, right over there.

With the election less than two months away,

Donald Trump is bringing back one of his go-to scams, and it's the digital trading cards, which are online illustrations of Trump doing some of his favorite hobbies, business construction on the moon, business cowboy basketball, and cowboy business inspector gadget.

But Trump's biggest and latest cash cow is a coffee table book with over 300 pages of photos, like this pic of Trump signing a washing machine.

And you can buy that washing machine at the Home Despot.

We've reached a new lows.

And PC Richard and I hate my sons.

They... I got something.

Yep.

There you go. There you go.

And on that washing machine photo, the caption on that photo is,

I withdrew from the Trans-Pacific Partnership and ended the disaster known as NAFTA, replacing it with a brand-new USMCA, the best trade deal ever made.

That, of course, is not to be confused with the caption under the photo next to it.

I withdrew from the Trans-Pacific Partnership and ended the disaster known as NAFTA, replacing it with a brand-new USMCA, the best trade deal ever made.

How incompetent...

how incompetent do you have to be to use the same caption twice?

Do you know what this means?

Donald Trump actually wrote this book.

That's... this just... this...

Wow.

What?

Mm-hmm.

This also explains the Trump family's annual Christmas card.

Season's greetings.

I withdrew from the Trans-Pacific Partnership and ended the disaster known as NAFTA, replacing it with a brand-new USMCA, best trade deal ever made.

If you want your own copy of this book, um, are you okay?

Also, it don't come cheap, because its price is $99, or $499 with Trump's autograph.

And for $600, you can get a personalized thank-you card from Donald Trump himself that reads,

I withdrew from the Trans-Pacific Partnership and ended the disaster known as NAFTA, replacing it with a brand-new USMCA, best trade deal ever made.

Uh...

Mm-mm.

Uh...

No, there was a bit of surprising news yesterday.

Um, it turns out there's actually a third guy in politics, and he's the president.

Uh, his name is Joe Biden, and he attended a 9-11 memorial event in Pennsylvania and had a bit of fun with one of the attendees who was wearing a Trump hat.

I'll give you my presidential hat.

Presidential seal on it.

You want an autograph?

Oh, sure, I'll...

Huh?

You remember your name?

I don't remember my name. I'm small.

There you go, man. I'll...

You got... I-I need that hat.

You want my autograph?

Hell no.

Uh-uh.

No way, Jack.

Uh-uh.

Hey, you take that, Jack.

I might not be the best debater, but I can still zing at the old hat chat.

The old chapeau, toe-to-toe.

I'm a... I'm a Beanie Meemie.

They call me Fedora the Explorer.

Come on, hat.

So, those are all the top stories from our home planet, right?

Uh, but there's also stuff that's coming out of the White House.

There's a lot of stories from our home planet, right?

Uh, but there's also stuff going on in outer space, because this morning, aboard the SpaceX Crew Dragon, private citizens performed a spacewalk for the first time ever.

It's incredible.

Regular people without astronaut training are going into space and working up there.

You know what that means?

Armageddon was plausible all along.

Michael Bay, we owe you an apology.

And you owe me $15 for the performers' Rise of the Beasts.

The spacewalks...

The spacewalks were less than...

How long were they?

Ten minutes?

The spacewalks were less than ten minutes long, and from a technical perspective, they were modest.

Now, if you're wondering what a modest spacewalk looks like, okay, it's, uh, it's something like this.

¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶

That's how they shot Apollo 13.

They just did this the whole time.

Let's take a look at the big space walk.

There they are doing their space thang.

Pretty amazing. Must have been fun.

Not really a walk. More of a gentle bob.

But that's fine.

It's like when your aunt says she's going for a run.

You're not going for a run, Diane.

You're wearing hoop earrings.

And carrying a pack of cigarettes.

You're gonna go sit on the bench in the park.

The reason the astronauts were holding their arms like this is to test the flexibility of the suits.

A move some are calling a sort of dance in the vacuum of space.

This would not be the first time.

We all know the historic footage of Neil Armstrong.

That's one small step for man.

Now watch me whip. Now watch me nay-nay.

We got a great show for you tonight.

The great Jeff Bridges is here.

When we come back, I'll be cooking with my lovely and talented wife,

Emily McGee.

Stick around.

NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory, California Institute of Technology