in this theatre in the West End

after just three performances I walked out

In the early hours of the next morning

I came down from my flat in Central London to this lane

I went into the garage

sealed the door with a duvet I brought

and got into my car

sat there for at least I think two hours in the car

my hands on the ignition key

You know it was a suicide attempt not a cry for help

I drove to the south coast and took a ferry to Europe

I just knew I couldn't be at home

couldn't be in London couldn't be in England

I really believed that I would never come back to England

Runaway Stephen Fry broke the silence last night

to reveal the torture he's been suffering

They're all are worried that I've committed suicide

That's the awful thing

but after a week I secretly returned to England to this hospital

and to a doctor telling me that I was bipolar

I had never heard the word before

but for the first time at the age of 37 I had a diagnosis

that explained my massive highs and miserable lows

I lived with all my life

No doubt that I do have extremes in moods that

are greater than just about anybody else I know

The psychiatrist in the hospital recommended I take a long break

I came here to America

and for months I saw a therapist and walked up and down this beach

My mind was full of questions

Am I now mad? How have I got this illness?

Could it been prevented? Can I be cured of it?

Since then I have discovered just how serious it is to have

bipolarity or manic depression as it is also called

4 million others in the UK have it

and many of the seriously ill end up killing themselves

So I have decided to speak out about my mental illness

and it is a mental illness

I wanted to talk to others who have it

about what triggered it in them and how it took over their lives

and I wanted to find out answers to what still worries me

Was I diagnosed correctly?

and I am now getting better or worse?

Let's start with a remark made by a Hollywood producer to me

You do not have to be gay or Jewish to get on here. just bipolar

He meant, of course, larger than Life furiously energetic, endlessly creative

Manic types do well in Hollywood, in all of show business for that matter

Euphoric heights and crickling lows seem to go with the territory

and don't attract the stigma found everywhere else

Since my own diagnosis, I kept working and found ways to cope

But I also kept quiet about my condition

Now I want to speak out and fight the stigma

and a to give a clearer picture of a mental illness most people know little about

Visiting my old friend Carrie Fischer

known to the world as Princess Leia in the Star Wars movies

She is on the edge of sanity. you know she's constantly...

not mad enough to be committed

but not sane enough to lead much of a normal life

When you're galloping along at a great speed

it is better than any drug you can ever take

God, if you will is saving your parking spots

Songs are being played on the radio for you

You're just so enthusiastic about everyone

and everyone must be enthusiastic about you

and it is just come along, I have a great idea I have this unbelievable idea

Let's go to India

Then you start going way to fast

You're faster than anyone that you're around

It's not fun You are on the phone far too long

You not getting any sleep

Nothing is going fast enough for you

Come on, keep up with me you guys, come on

And even if it's not true that you're more talented when you're manic

you feel like you are

Yes, what is half the battle

I am standing on rocks

flaming speeches to the world You know, I have a lot to say

I have messages from deep space in fact

and I stayed awake for 6 days and I did lose my mind

A this friend of mine says to me

Does your doctor know that you behave this way?

then we sort of have an argument

and I cry for four hours and I am unable to stop

and I know there is something wrong with that

I called the doctor when I go in and I see her

you know we were talking

and I am laughing and I am spinning around in chairs

and the doctor says

That is the diagnosis, that's bipolar that is manic depression

Carrie had years of living with such extreme moods and feelings

before she got that diagnosis

She has got it bad, you know

It is not a rock star or film star's accessory

it is a real mental condition and

she has to live with every single day of her life

She is on medication. You have to picture what she be like if she weren't

A medical expert told me almost half of those suffering from manic depression

aren't diagnosed at all

It frightens me to think of people having symptoms like Carrie

and not knowing what's wrong with them

I'm told that it's an illness

that's surprisingly difficult to pin down to achieve a diagnosis

now I am diagnosed bipolar and bipolarity is a disease of the brain

So a brain scan will surely reveal a sign of what I have

The research being carried out here at Maudsly Hospital in south London

compares normal brains with bipolar ones like mine

Here, we're at the beginning of the brains - Oh my Goodness.

I just grab the front of the nose and then scroll back

That's my face actually

You see your chubby cheeks, there - My little chubby cheeks

but by looking at a sample of slices from a brain

you can't tell or can you, whether someone is bipolar

When it comes to bipolar looking at a single subjects structural scan

would not give you that diagnostic information at this stage

Is there anything you see in my brain that

leads you to the view that I am bipolar?

No. I think there is a very short answer to that

Thus yet no brain test that can diagnose bipolarity

but I have being hearing talk of a bipolar gene

To find out more I have come to have my let my DNA tested as part

of the world's largest research bipolarity at the University of Cardiff

They have 2000 participants already and now 2001

Do I get my wollypop now?

This is your DNA - My DNA, thank you so much

O, it is so attractive. I knew it would be Beautiful, isn't it?

So which way now? - Ok, we go up to look at the Sequenom

You know is must be good just from the name It's fantastic

Welcome to the Sequenom, Mr. Bond

What we have found is that if you simply compared people with bipolar disorder

against people without, controls. We don't actually see any overall difference

Unfortunately the press as you know, they'll publish reports

saying "The bipolar gene" or whatever

That is completely incorrect

There will be many genes that are involved in bipolarity

So at the moment there is no clear-cut test to show if someone is bipolar

How them do you tell?

How was I diagnosed all those years ago?

Well a psychiatrist simply asked a lot of questions about my behaviour and my feelings

Here in Cardiff Nick uses the same process but involving 200 questions

that carefully build up a picture of a persons life history of manic depression

We developed a scale When I find out information from you

I'll tell you where you score on our scale

Looking back times when you think perhaps

it was something a bit out of the ordinary

unusual, caused a problem or you needed treatment

Well, I suppose the first time I needed treatment I think I was 14

In hindsight my symptoms really surfaced here

The problem was for almost everyone was that they looked like bad behaviour

I was nearly expelled from my prepschool I was expelled from here

It is very strange revisiting a place where one was so intensively alive

as to be almost in a constant state of edginess

and I suppose what man call mania now

because I cut games. I was so often alone.

Wandering around on the roofs

I think I used to crawl all over the roofs for a mixture of risk

and power when you're looking down on people

The effect of my behaviour was cause to make me unbearable really

a show-off a loudmouth

completely impossible to handle disruptive

See, thin, I may never been a good looking boy

but I was once thin!!

Meeting my old housemaster and his wife

insures an uncomfortable reminder of past crimes

like given permission to go to London and then not returning

We went to see films We went just to the cinema

One of which was the Clockwork Orange

That's right

Your father thought

O my God,of all films that he might have seen

I was consumed and gripped by it

You should have been back - a lot earlier

I had the Metropolitan Police out looking for you

I didn't realize that I've never realized that

Stephen has been a problem

This is a letter from Gerald Holme - The psychiatrist

Suggesting various things Adolescent Depression

mild depressive illness rather than just unhappiness

Behavioury He can be quite infantile

I think Mr. Fry, your father may have mentioned

that the advice given to him by doctors in London

suggest that he might have some brain damage

to account for this That a crude way of putting it

Good Lord

We were not aware of any drug taking or sexual offenses however

We didn't know much then, did we

And then the awful thing Which is the stealing

That gripped me

You didn't need money. You didn't need to steal - No, so odd

So you didn't know it was I who was the thief

I wouldn't suspected it at all Stephen. No

You laid a trap in Matern's room

We did. Which Elisabeth - That was you. You were hiding in Matern's room

I was in her bathroom

It was a terrible shock to see you

Strange emotional turmoil I was in

Stealing things I couldn't possible want

As well as stealing money must be said what I did want I suppose

Did I feel shame when I stole things? I suppose I did

But..

there is something very extraordinary about going through a room

where you're not supposed to be looking for things

It's like when you watch it in a movie

when the hero is burgling somebody's flat or something

very nerve-racking Your heart is in your throat

and it is a real buzz

Considering I didn't do any sports or anything else

that gave me any kind of adrenaline rush

what sport is supposed to do

maybe that is what it was

whether it was part of a disorder that can be given a name, I do not know

but it was bad enough for me to have to go to a psychiatrist anyway

that didn't lead to a diagnosis of manic depression, probably because

like the school authorities like my parents

and to be fair like me at the time

why would you have thought

it is anything other than bad behaviour

So, I was expelled and just stumbled on continuing to steal as I went

By this time I had progressed a credit card

stolen from the jackets of my parents friends

This led to my next big manic episode

when I used the money in the most grandiose way

When I was about 17 going around London on the stolen credit card

It was a sort of fantastic reinvention of myself on attempt

I bought ridiculous suits with stiff collars

and silk ties from the 1920's and

we go to the Savoy and The Ritz and drink cocktails

The morality of it never crossed my mind at all

I think it is more that when you're in a sort of grip of a manic fantasy

You don't really believe other people exist You are the centre of your universe

I wanted to be in there. I am Stephen Fry sitting there

And the white coats, are so appropriate, aren't they, the barmen