Wish I'd met you before we were dead.

You know, technically, we could cross off two items.

See the pyramids and witness something majestic.

This is about as majestic as it gets.

Wait till you see my mountain.

Oh, yeah.

Your mountain.

Still, this ain't half bad.

You know, the ancient Egyptians had a beautiful belief about death.

When their souls got to the entrance to heaven, the gods asked them two questions.

Their answers determined whether they were admitted or not.

Okay.

I'll bite.

What were they?

Have you found joy in your life?

Uh-huh.

Answer the question.

Me?

Yeah, you.

Answer the question.

Have I found joy in my life?

Yes.

Yes.

Has your life brought joy to others?

Oh, this type of question, I...

I don't know.

I don't think about how other people gauge.

Ask them.

I'm asking you.

Fine.

Fine.

Let me put it to you this way.

After the breakup and the ensuing fleecing of the dad, Emily went to live with her mother.

You know, you try to stay close, but it gets down to holidays, phone calls, birthday cards, you know.

Anyway, Emily goes to college, joins one of her save the poor people, the animals, whatnot, meets a guy, decides she loves him.

Good-looking kid, driven, smart.

But there was something about him, so...

When she said they were engaged, I told her I was against it, but being my daughter, naturally.

She went ahead and married him anyway.

Needless to say, I wasn't invited to the wedding.

That must have hurt.

You think?

First time he hit her, she came to me.

I wanted to bash his brains in.

She wouldn't let me.

Said she loved him, said it wasn't his fault, he'd had a few drinks.

She was the one who picked the fight.

Next time it happened, she didn't come to me.

The ex told me.

Nice to hear her voice again.

What did you do?

What any father would do.

I took care of it.

I called a guy who called a guy who handles these kinds of things.

Don't know what he said, don't know what he did.

But all I know is he didn't kill him, and my daughter never heard from him again.

How did she react?

Called me names you wouldn't believe, and worse.

Said I was dead to her.

I'm not proud of everything I did.

I'm pretty sure I'd do it all again.

So they don't let me into Egyptian heaven because my daughter hates me?

Well, then I guess that's just the way it goes.

However you answer your two questions.