We love Halloween.

You've got a problem, lady.

This obsessive need to be dark and scary, you can't even stop yourself.

Ah!

Hi, honey.

Breakfast will be ready in a minute.

Ah!

My hand!

Ah!

Very funny, Mom.

I know it's Halloween.

Nice fake hand.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

We love Halloween, especially Claire.

It's my favorite holiday.

Ever since I was a kid, I loved scary things.

If there was a new horror movie in town,

I was the first in line.

One, please.

And I meant Phil.

Two, please.

Every Halloween, we have the best house.

Last year, I took things to a whole new level, but apparently it was too scary for some kids.

And one adult.

Ah!

Trick or treat!

Would you like some candy?

Yeah!

Or would you rather have this?

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Come on, you're fine.

I don't care what anyone says, you did not give that man a heart attack.

Thank you.

I mean, you're not even scary.

Can I grab a little bit of this candy for my open house tonight?

Yeah, sure, but.

It's genius.

An open house on Halloween.

Millions of bored parents just trying to keep their kids out of traffic now they can get away from all that and see a nice house.

What do you mean I'm not even scary?

I literally almost scared the life out of a man.

You literally scared a little saliva and a little urine out of him.

That happens to me every time I see a monkey wearing people clothes.

I was plenty scary.

I used professional grade makeup.

That's the point.

Claire, it was overkill.

You're the kind of person who can be twice as scary without wearing any makeup.

Bye.

Oh, no, no.

This doesn't look real at all.

Alex, where's that blood you were using this morning on your finger?

Running through my veins, keeping me alive.

Oh, here comes dad.

He's going to be all like, no, what did you do?

Where's Awesome Land?

No, what did you do?

Where's Awesome Land?

Are you from the future?

Phil, honey, honey, we've had a little change of plans.

Why? What are you even doing here?

Shouldn't you be at work?

That obnoxious Ronnie was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle his decorations because he's trying to win this scariest house on the street contest.

And I was like, not only can I handle your decorations,

I'm going to win that contest.

So welcome to the insane asylum from hell.

That's what it feels like.

Come on, it's going to be fun.

The kids are going to be deranged mental patients.

And I am going to be a sadistic nurse, and you are a demented doctor.

20 years of no, but for this, you'll dress like a nurse.

Oh, no.

Of course the woman is the nurse and the man is the doctor.

That kind of thinking, that's what's scary.

Tap out, it's a holiday.

You know, I put a lot of time and energy into my thing.

But you just shut it all down to prove something to people that we barely know and don't even like.

Phil, Ronnie made fun of Awesome Land.

He called it Candy Land.

So?

Stupidville.

Dumberg.

Who cares what he thinks?

Maybe someday you'll care what I think.

Phil.

Well, honey, look.

I kept your bunny.

Nibbles!

Monster, do my bidding.

I do as you command, master.

OK, Mom, you cannot have a problem with this.

I'm Mother Teresa.

Are you kidding me?

What?

I'm her back when she was hot.

I will pay you $10 to go put on more clothes.

But it's the first time you ever heard that one.

OK, you know what?

Here we go.

Let's just cover you up.

All right, now I just want to run through this really quick with everybody.

First, it's trick or treat.

And then Phil.

Come in if you dare.

Right, and then Dad does the thunder and the lightning and the fog.

Usher the children in past Alex and her cage.

I'm in a cage?

Yes, you're in a house of horrors being held against your will.

Yeah, I know.

So why do we need the cage?

And then Gloria pops up as the evil village brouhaha.

And she says, welcome to your nightmare.

And then Cam and Haley do their thing.

Kids get their candy.

They are ushered out.

They think it's all over, but it's not.

Because out on the porch, the scarecrow pops to life.

Pow for one final.

And that's Mitchell.

You're the scarecrow.

Oh, no, no.

I was in a costume all day.

It was awful.

It's nothing compared to when I was.

You don't own bad Halloweens.

Don't I?

We get it, Cam.

Hard day.

Mitchell, please.

The costume's in the kitchen.

Come on, hon.

All right, come here.

Before you go, I just want you to know, I love you more.

That's, OK, thanks, hon.

You're my best friend.

You really think it's appropriate to be strapping your teenage daughter to a gurney?

If we win, it is.

I'm going to have to take a pee break soon.

Ooh.

Here, use this bedpan.

I'm kidding. That's gross.

I put candy in it.

Here.

Luke.

Luke!

I think I fell asleep.

This thing is like a Temple Grandin hug.

Haley, sweetie, gown's on backwards.

Oh, no, it's cuter this way.

Sexy people go crazy, too, you know.

Read a people magazine.

Huh.

Phil, you're not even going to try on your doctor costume?

Nope.

But we're going to win.

Does that make you happy?

Do I look happy?

You've got a problem, lady.

This obsessive need to be dark and scary, you can't even stop yourself.

I can stop whenever I want.

Well, I'm not getting sucked in.

I'm having the Halloween that I wanted.

I'll fill you in at the staff meeting after Keneally's done telling us about his morning commute.

That's hilarious.

You sound just like him.

You were so doing that at Christmas talent night.

Dude, rich girl, Sarah Smile, then a man-eater encore.

It was scary how good they were.

Close your eyes, it could have been the real band.

Yeah, he got lucky in the football pool once.

Now he wants to double the stakes.

Oh, I'm so scared.

Right?

Well, this night was a bust.

Not a single person, even.

Or did I speak too soon?

Was someone in the mood to be a bad little ghoul?

Oh, Connie, I didn't mean you.

I'm...

Hey, that's just the divorce talking.

Hang in there.

Bye-bye.

Who is it?

Special delivery from UPS.

United Prank Service.

I went to the history books for this one, all the way back to the first practical joke, the Trojan horse.

Only I swapped out silly string for broadswords and laughter for murder.

Okay.

You guys want to prank?

Let's prank.

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

No!

No!

Oh, God!

Oh.

They just put some toilet paper in your yard.

Why would he do this to his mother?

It was an accident.

Where's Fluffy?

I can't find Fluffy.

Don't worry, I'll help you find her.

My eye!

Go in the house, go in the house.

How's it going here?

I look stupid.

These puppies are making it impossible for me to stay mad at you.

Stupid, adorable puppies.

Welcome to Awesome Land, where the only thing to fear is fun itself.

Clara, I know this isn't the Halloween you wanted, but can you try to sell it?

I'm sorry, honey.

I got mad at you, and I upset Amber, and all because Ronnie called me a sucker, Mom.

What is wrong with me?

Nothing.

I hate it when people assume things about me that aren't true.

Like, because I'm pretty, I'm stuck up.

When people do that to me, I'm just like, shut up, troll.

Why am I even talking to you?

Wow.

I do not like being pigeonholed.

It's obvious, Mom.

You use Halloween as a way to show people you have edge.

It's like accountants who buy a Harley.

She's right.

Being scary is my motorcycle.

That's my Tess.

Last fall, Ida Mae moved in.

Told you.

She's always up there.

Fortunately, the house was right on Clara's jogging route, so it was easy to introduce Clara to Ida Mae.

And when I wanted to amp it up,

I had Ida Mae make contact.

Hey.

Then this morning, I knew that axe wouldn't scare Clara.

I just did that so she'd accuse me of not being able to scare her.

It's all about plausibility.

Damn right it is.

Over the past year, Ida Mae joined the Neighborhood Association, hung up a poster for her lost dog, signed up for Meals on Wheels.

They're not bad, by the way.

Also, she got a lot of knitting done.

Ah!

I'm sorry, Clara.

Did I scare you?

You did this?

Yep.

How long were you playing this thing?

11 months, two weeks, and three days ago,

I gave birth to Ida Mae Man, because Ida Mane Man.

Oh, don't you dare do wordplay, Phil.

Sorry.

I was having so much fun.

What?

I was wondering what we were gonna do for the next 30 years of our lives without the kids in the house, and now I know.

You're getting twisted.

I like it.

Game on.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Game on, what do you mean, game on?