And I can't believe I'm a medium apron.

And I can't believe I'm working for a corporate coffee place.

This might be the lowest point in my life, and my mom once lost me in a craps game behind a casino. Hi, we're here to be trained. I know.

That's unfortunate.

My name's Devin. Well, that's unfortunate.

Let's get this over with.

I have a lot of other places I need to be. Like your mom's basement? Hey, you don't have to give me attitude. I don't have to, but it's my pleasure.

Sorry, Devin.

It's just that it's hard for her because your name is Devin. So what are you, girls?

Writers?

Folk duo?

Just bitches? Nailed it, loser.

Peace yourself.

We need this job for another hour and 50 minutes. Okay, but for real, how long do you gotta work here before the health insurance kicks in?

And is there dental?

Because I got a dead tooth doing nothing for me. Insurance kicks in after 30 days, but it's a PPO, not an HMO.

Oh, I just got an HMO at our other job.

He's a Charlotte. Okay, here we go.

Look, this is the machine we use for everything.

It's incredibly easy to work, unless you're stupid.

In which case, tell me now.

Devin, we're not your mean stepdad.

Just show us how to use the machine. Listen up.

Unlatch the portafilter from the group head.

Press here for an ounce of grounds.

Tamp it in, pack it down, turn it on. I didn't get that.

Did you?

Honestly, all I heard was group head. So you tamp, pack, turn the knob, wait three, blast for 30, then you pour the shot.

Place the steam wand halfway in the pitcher at a 45-degree angle until the milk is 103 degrees.

So what you're saying is it's easier to make meth? Syrups, powders, whipped cream is right here.

You ever work with one of these? I think I can handle it.

I went to Wharton. Well, I went to Harvard. And I went to Juvy.

And we're all here wearing an apron. A grande, double cap, nonfat. Grande, double cap, nonfat. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. A venti, triple cap, no whip. Venti, triple cap, no whip. Meow, meow, shabam, meow. Grande, double soy latte. Grande, double soy latte.

Got it, Max? Nope. Where's those drinks, Max? Working on it, getting close.

And I finished all over myself. That's so me. Come on, Max.

It can't be that hard.

You two, switch.

I gotta put out more napkins.

That women's breakup support group is here, and they tap us out.

Think they're crying now?

Just wait till we run out of cake pops. I'll have a tall cap, triple shot, half-calf. Small scrap, nibble slap, half-half. That's not what I said.

Tall cap, triple shot, half-calf. Girl, you're good at this.

You should work at Starbucks. I am good.

I think I'm getting the hang of this.

Now I just have to...

Oh, holy mother of hell!

This thing hates women so much, we should call it Texas.

Or Ohio.

Or, to be honest, most of America. I'll have a tall drip, extra hot. Uh, what's your name? Greg, with three Gs. Yeah, you're gonna be this picture of a penis. That's rude.

Now it has a hat on it.

It's say, good day. Do you want me to talk to your manager? Yeah, in about 20 minutes, after she learns this machine. Hi.

I'll take a non-fat venti drip for Vera, and a tall latte for Fran, and a gingerbread latte with 11 Splendas.

Can you two explain what this is? I'd say it's pretty obvious.

That's a penis wearing a hat. Why?

Because it's bald and a little insecure. Dudes, you're, like, fired.

Come on, Devin, we just need 20 more minutes to learn that machine.

Please? No.

Return your aprons and caps, and do not even think about putting sandwiches in your pockets. What?

A girl can't get a morning bun? No.

And no.

And take this crappuccino you made with you.

Oh, yeah, that is not quite right.

And it hit my dead tooth.