and not in the traditional sense, not just the gay closet.

而這種走出衣櫃，不是以前大家所熟知的出櫃成為同性戀

I think we all have closets.

我相信各位家裡都有衣櫃

Your closet may be telling someone you love her for the first time,

你的衣櫃可能會透露你愛上某個女孩了、

or telling someone that you’re pregnant,

妳懷孕了、

or telling someone you have cancer,

你得癌症了

or any of the other hard conversations we have throughout our lives.

或是生活中生硬的對話

All a closet is, is a hard conversation.

衣櫃就像是生硬的對話

And although our topics may vary tremendously,

雖然我們的主題可能差異很大

the experience of being in and coming out of the closet is universal.

但「出櫃」和「不出櫃」的經驗都非常普遍

It is scary and we hate it,

這很恐怖，我們不喜歡這樣

and it needs to be done.

所以我們現在就得終結它

Several years ago, I was working at the South Side Walnut Café,

幾年前，我在South Side Walnut Café，

a local diner in town,

我們鎮上一家小餐廳工作

and during my time there I would go through phases of militant lesbian intensity,

在那時候，我正式成為激進的同性戀份子

not shaving my armpit, quoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel.

我不刮腋毛，把Ani DiFranco的歌詞當作人生至理名言

And depending on the bagginess of my cargo shorts and how recently I had shaved my head,

而是穿著寬鬆的工作褲，「我多久剪一次頭髮」，

the question would often be sprung on me, usually by a little kid.

讓我想起以前小孩常常會問我

“Um, are you a boy or are you a girl?”

「你到底是男生還是女生？」

And there would be an awkward silence at the table.

那時餐桌上就會鴉雀無聲

I’d clench my jaw a little tighter,

我最好合緊下巴

hold my coffee pot with a little more vengeance.

以免把咖啡潑向他來報復

The dad would awkwardly shuffle his newspaper and the mom would shoot a chilling stare at her kid.

小孩的爸爸會尷尬地拿起報紙，而媽媽會凶狠地瞪著小孩

But I would say nothing,

我不會說話

and I would see the inside.

但我心裡非常激動

And it got to the point where every time I walked up to a table that had a kid anywhere between 3 and 10 years old,

每次走向一個桌子，就會有3歲到10歲之間的小孩問我這個問題

I was ready to fight.

這次我準備要應戰了

And that is a terrible feeling.

而那種感覺真是糟透了

So I promised myself, the next time I would say something.

我向自己保證，下次我一定會回應

I would have that hard conversation.

我一定得面對那生硬的對話

So within a matter of weeks, it happens again.

幾週後，這情形又發生了

“Are you a boy or are you a girl?”

「你是男生還是女生？」

Familiar silence, but this time I’m ready,

一樣鴉雀無聲，但這次我準備好了

and I am about to go all Women’s Studies 101 on this table.

我正準備要在這桌上發表有關Women’s Studies 101的演講

I’ve got my Betty Friedan quotes.

我要引用Betty Friedan

I’ve got my Gloria Steinem quotes.

和Gloria Steinem的名言

I’ve even got this little bit from “Vagina Monologues” I’m going to do.

我還準備要講一小段Vagina Monologues裡面的內容

So I take a deep breath and I look down,

我深吸一口氣，看著

and staring back at me is a 4-year-old girl in a pink dress,

和我四目相交，身穿粉紅色洋裝的4歲小女孩

not a challenge to a feminist duel,

這不是男女平等主義的鬥爭

just a kid with a question: Are you a boy or are you a girl?

而是一個小孩問的問題：你是男生還是女生？

So I take another deep breath,

所以我又再深吸一口氣

squat down next to her and say,

蹲下來並對她說

“Hey I know it’s kind of confusing.

「我知道妳很困惑，

My hair is short like a boy’s and I wear boy’s clothes,

我的頭髮剪得像男生一樣短，我的穿著也打扮得像男生一樣，

but I’m a girl, and you know how sometimes you like to wear a pink dress,

但我是女生，你知道嗎？你有時會喜歡穿粉紅色洋裝，

and sometimes you like to wear your comfy jammies?

有時也會想要換穿寬鬆舒適的衣服，

Well, I’m more of a comfy jammies kind of girl.”

我是比較常穿寬鬆舒適衣服的女生」

And this kid looks me dead in the eye, without missing a beat and says,

這個小女孩不但沒被打擊，看著我說：

“My favourite pajamas are purple with fish. Can I get a pancake please?”

「我最喜歡的紫色睡衣上有小魚圖案。我可以點鬆餅嗎？」

And that was it. Just, “Oh, okay. You’re a girl. How about that pancake?”

我說：「當然可以，妳是女生，點這個口味的鬆餅怎麼樣？」

It was the easiest hard conversation I have ever had.

這就是我經歷過最簡單的「生硬的對話」

And why?

為什麼？

Because pancake girl and I, we were both real with each other.

因為鬆餅女孩和我，都是真心誠意地對待彼此

So like many of us, I’ve lived in a few closets in my life, and yeah, most often,

所以像我們大部分的人，我已經關在衣櫃裡很多年了，更多時候

my walls happened to be rainbow.

阻擋我出櫃的那道牆變成了彩虹

But inside, in the dark, you can’t tell what color the walls are.

但其實在黑暗的衣櫃中，你不知道牆的顏色

You just know what it feels like to live in a closet.

你只知道那感覺像是活在衣櫥裡

So really, my closet is no different than yours,

所以其實我的衣櫃和你、

or yours, or yours.

妳、祢的衣櫃差異不大

Sure, I’ll give you a 100 reasons why coming out of my closet was harder than coming out of yours, but here’s the thing.

當然我會給你100個理由，讓你知道我比你出櫃還要更困難，以下請聽仔細

Hard is not relative. Hard is hard.

困難沒什麼大不了，困難就困難

Who can tell me that explaining to someone you’ve just declared bankruptcy is harder than telling someone you just cheated on them?

誰可以告訴我，向其他人宣布你破產了，比告訴你男朋友你劈腿了，還更困難？

Who can tell me that his coming out story is harder than telling your 5-year-old you’re getting a divorce?

誰可以告訴我，說自己的出櫃故事，比告訴5歲的孩子自己離婚的事情，還更困難？

There is no harder. There is just hard.

這不會非常困難，這只是普通難而已

We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else’s hard

我們不要再比較誰比誰辛苦

to make us feel better or worse about our closets

而讓自己覺得出櫃比較好，或是不好

and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard.

而憐憫自己活得很辛苦

At some point in our lives, we all live in closets,

有時候，我們都活在自己的衣櫃裡

and they may feel safe,

而他們覺得這樣比較安全

or at least safer than what lies on the other side of that door.

或至少，比依賴在另一道門上，還要更安全

But I am here to tell you, no matter what your walls are made of,

在這裡，我要告訴你，不論衣櫃的門是什麼材質做的

a closet is no place for a person to live.

衣櫃，都不是人該住的地方

Thanks.

謝謝

So imagine yourself 20 years ago.

想像自己20年前的樣子

Me, I had a pony tail,

我，綁著馬尾、

a strapless dress and high-heeled shoes.

穿著無肩帶洋裝和高跟鞋的我

I was not the militant lesbian ready to fight any 4-year-old that walked into the café.

我不是準備要和走進餐廳的4歲小孩開戰的激進派同性戀份子

I was frozen by fear,

我被恐懼嚇呆了

curled up in the corner of my pitch-black closet,

蜷縮在黑色衣櫃的角落

clutching my gay grenade,

手裡拿著同性戀手榴彈

and moving one muscle is the scariest thing I have ever done.

而風吹草動就是我所經歷過最可怕的事情

My family, my friends, complete strangers,

我的家人、朋友和所有不認識的人

I had spent my entire life trying to not disappoint these people, and now

我一生都在嘗試不要逃避這些人，而現在

I was turning the world upside down on purpose.

我故意顛倒是非

I was burning the pages of the script we had all followed for so long,

我把原本應該照著走的劇本都燒毀

but if you do not throw that grenade, it will kill you.

但如果你不把那顆手榴彈丟掉，你還是死命一條

One of my most memorable grenade tosses was at my sister’s wedding.

其中一件令我印象最深刻的丟手榴彈事件，就是在我姐姐的婚禮上

It was the first time that many in attendance knew I was gay,

那是第一次，在場那麼多人知道我是同性戀

so in doing my maid of honor duties,

所以作為伴娘該有的任務

in my black dress and heels,

就是穿著黑洋裝和高跟鞋

I walked around the tables and finally landed on a table of my parents’ friends,

我在桌子和桌子之間遊走，最後停在我父母親的朋友和親戚桌旁

folks that had known me for years.

他們都認識我很久了

And after a little small talk, one of the women shouted out,

勝談一番後，一位女士大叫：

“I love Nathan Lane.”

「我愛Nathan Lane」

And the battle of gay reliability had begun.

而那就是同性戀開戰的時候了

“Ash, have you ever been to the Castro?”

「Ash，你去過Castro嗎？」

“Well yeah, actually, we have friends in San Francisco.”

「有，其實我們在舊金山就認識了」

“Well, we’ve never been to there but we’ve heard it’s fabulous.”

「我們沒去過那裡，但有聽說過那裡的風景很美」

“Ash, do you know my hairdresser Antonio?

「Ash，你認識我的髮型師Antonio嗎？

He’s really good and he has never talked about a girlfriend.”

他的技術非常好，可是他從來沒提過他有女朋友」

“Ash, what’s your favorite TV show? Our favorite TV show?

「Ash，你最喜歡的電視節目是哪部？我們最喜歡哪部？

Favorite, Will & Grace, and you know who we love?

最喜歡Will & Grace，你知道我們喜歡劇中的誰嗎？

Jack. Jack is our favorite.”

Jack，我們最喜歡Jack。」

And then one woman stumped

這時，一位女士

but wanting so desperately to show her support,

不顧受傷的腳，表示支持

to let me know she was on my side, she finally blurted out,

她想讓我知道她站在我這邊，最後脫口而出說：

“Well, sometimes my husband wears pink shirts.”

「我老公有時候也會穿粉紅色襯衫。」

And I had a choice in that moment, as all grenade throwers do.

因為所有手榴彈都已丟出來了，我可以選擇

I could go back to my girlfriend and my gay-loving table

要回去找我女朋友和同性戀友人們

and mock their responses,

嘲笑他們的回應

chastise their unworldliness and their inability to jump through the politically correct gay hoops I have brought with me,

痛罵他們脫俗的行為，而且沒有能力跳脫我所帶來的政治正確的同性戀圈子

or I could empathize with them,

或是要同情他們

and realize that that was maybe one of the hardest things they had ever done,

然後了解到這或許是他們經歷過最困難的事

that starting and having that conversation was them coming out of their closets.

而他們開始要面對生硬的對話時，他們已經出櫃了

Sure, it would have been easy to point out where they fell short.

當然，這也很容易就能指出他們的缺點

It’s a lot harder to meet them where they are and acknowledge the fact that they were trying.

要讓他們認識真正的自己，還要試著接受這些事實是非常困難的事

And what else can you ask someone to do but try?

你還會要求其他人嘗試什麼事？

If you’re going to be real with someone,

如果你真心誠意地對待一個人

you gotta be ready for real in return.

你就會真心誠意地回報他

So, hard conversations are still not my strong suit.

所以生硬的對話還不是我的特長

Ask anybody I have ever dated.

我問過曾經交往的對象

But I’m getting better,

但我越來越好

and I follow what I like to call the three pancake girl principles.

而且我都會照著「鬆餅女孩三部曲」做

Now, please view this through gay-colored lenses,

現在，請大家用同性戀的角度來看這件事情

but know what it takes to come out of any closet is essentially the same.

但你要知道，從櫃子裡出現的東西本來就會是一樣的

Number one: be authentic.

一、當個可靠的人

Take the armor off. Be yourself.

丟掉盔甲，做自己

That kid in the café had no armor but I was ready for battle.

鬆餅女孩沒有穿盔甲保護自己，但我也準備好應戰了

If you want someone to be real with you, they need to know that you bleed too.

如果你想要別人真心誠意對待你，你一定要讓他們知道自己也是有血有淚的人

Number two: Be direct. Just say it. Rip the Band-Aid off.

二、做個坦率的人，有話直說，勇於撕掉標籤

If you know you are gay, just say it.

如果你是同性戀，就大聲說出來

If you tell your parents you might be gay, they will hold out hope that this will change.

如果你告訴父母，你可能是同性戀，他們會希望你能改變戀愛性向

Do not give them that sense of false hope.

不要給他們那種錯誤的希望

And number three, and most important,

最後但也最重要的

be unapologetic.

三、你不需要道歉

You are speaking your truth.

你只是說出事實

Never apologize for that.

不需要道歉

And some folks might have gotten hurt along the way, so sure,

有些人可能一路上傷痕累累，所以當然

apologize for what you’ve done,

要為自己的作為道歉

but never apologize for who you are.

但不要為了「你是誰」而道歉

And yeah, some folks may be disappointed,

有些人可能會難過

but that is on them, not on you.

但他們是他們，你是你

Those are their expectations of who you are, not yours.

那些都只是他們對你的期望，不是你對自己的期許

That is their story, not yours.

那是他們的故事，不是你自己的

The only story that matters is the one that you want to write.

唯一重要的故事就是你自己寫的那篇故事

So the next time you find yourself in a pitch-black closet, clutching your grenade, know we have all been there before.

所以下次你發現自己躲在黑暗的衣櫃裡，抓好你的手榴彈，了解到我們都曾經經歷過

And you may feel so very alone but you are not.

而且你可能會覺得孤單，但其實你一點都不孤單

And we know it’s hard but we need you out here,

我們知道面對事實很難，但我們要你面對真實的自己

no matter what your walls are made of,

不論那道牆是什麼材質做的

because I guarantee you there are others peering through the keyhole of their closets looking for the next brave soul to bust a door open,

因為我保證從他人的鑰匙孔窺探外面，你會找到下一個充滿勇氣的靈魂，讓你勇於破門而出

so be that person,

所以做自己

and show the world that we are bigger than our closets.

讓世界知道我們比衣櫃還要強大

And that a closet is no place for a person to truly live.

而且衣櫃根本不是人類該住的地方

Thank you, Boulder. Enjoy your night.

謝謝大家，享受美好的夜晚吧