Everybody's had them at some point in their life, right?

I mean, we've all had those dreams where you're falling off a cliff, where all your teeth are falling out, or dog the bounty hunters repossessing your car.

We've all had them nightmares, right?

Well, today I'd like to go over my top three reoccurring nightmares that apparently my stupid brain just can't get enough of.

Number three.

All right, now this first reoccurring nightmare

I used to have all the time back when I worked at a shitty car dealership.

And in this dream, I would be standing in the service aisle, right beside the tires, and I would do nothing for hours and hours on end.

That was it. That was the entire dream.

Now you might be sitting there like, well, how's that a fucking nightmare?

What's so scary about that?

Well, the scary part actually happened when I woke up, because that's when I realized that I had to go to work and stand in the service aisle by the fucking tires and do absolutely nothing for hours and hours on end.

Because that was the majority of my goddamn job.

Now, if you don't think that's a nightmare, well, you obviously have never worked a dead-end job before in your life.

I basically worked two shifts back to back, one in dreamland and one in fucking reality land.

And I only got paid for one.

What a crock of shit.

I mean, I'll take the fucking dog the bounty hunter nightmare over that shit any day of the week.

All right, double shift monotonous hell fucking nightmare.

Check.

On to the next one.

Number two.

Now, as I've mentioned in my dumb dreams cartoon that I made like 4,000 years ago, when I was a kid,

I used to have a reoccurring nightmare that Harry and Marv from the movie Home Alone would break into my house and I'd have to fucking huck paint cans down my stairs to defend myself.

And for a while, that was the only reoccurring nightmare that I had as a kid.

Well, all of that changed one day when I went to the Blockbuster Video and I rented a little video game called Resident Evil 2 for the Sony PlayStation.

Now, if you've never played Resident Evil 2, it's a game about zombies and it's terrifying as hell.

Well, imagine my naive eight-year-old ass playing this game for the first time, all by myself late at night.

You remember that fucking opening cutscene?

Look at this shit.

Look at these graphics back in 1998.

I thought these were real fucking people on the screen.

That shit was terrifying as hell.

Well, after playing roughly 45 seconds of this game and dying in the street, didn't even make it to fucking Kendo's gun shop,

I promptly turned the PlayStation off and I was a-okay with never playing that frightening-ass shit ever again.

Well, naturally, it didn't take long for my stupid-ass brain to internalize that shit and next thing you know,

I'm having zombie nightmares left and right.

Now, these dreams always started off pretty much the same.

I'd be sitting on the couch, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody starts pounding on my front door.

So I'd go to answer it and it'd always be somebody random as hell.

It'd be like my fucking dad's friend Carl and he'd be like,

Hey, fucking guess what?

Fucking zombies out in the street all willy-nilly.

Come on, we gotta get the hell out of here.

And then we'd run out in the streets and we'd have nothing to defend ourselves but like a fucking broken Nerf gun and a goddamn wiffle ball bat.

Now, it's important to note that in these nightmares

I can never run at full speed.

For whatever reason, it always feels like I'm waist deep in like chocolate pudding or some shit.

I can only move in slow motion.

Meanwhile, the zombies are on fucking roller skates flying at us at full speed and shit.

Now, somehow they would never catch up to my ass, but almost every single time my dad's friend Carl would end up getting bitten by a zombie.

But I'd never know it because that piece of shit would always try to hide it from me in these fucking dreams.

I'd look over and his ass would suddenly be wearing like a long-sleeved turtleneck or some shit.

What? What are you looking at?

It's chilly outside, all right?

What's the big deal?

Ten minutes later, that shit would come back to bite me in the ass.

Literally.

Ah, shit, I'm out of ammo!

Carl, I need another bandolier!

Carl?

Ah, guess what?

Fucking.. I'm a zombie now!

Bleh!

Oh, piss!

And then I'd wake up right around that point in the middle of the night and I'd have so much goddamn resentment for my dad's friend, Carl.

He'd, like, come over to our house the next day and be like,

Hey, it's me, Carl! Where's your dad at?

And I'd be like,

Fuck off, Carl, you turtleneck-wearing piece of shit!

But hey, that's the way it goes.

What can I say?

All right, zombie apocalypse with my dad's friend nightmare.

Ahem, check.

What's next?

Number 1

All right, now this last nightmare always takes place at Cedar Point.

And if you've never been to Cedar Point before, well, it's a theme park in Ohio that has some of the biggest, most butthole-clenching roller coasters on the planet.

And one of those roller coasters is the Millennium Force.

Now, the first time I saw the Millennium Force as a kid,

I thought it was the tallest goddamn thing in the entire world.

And my little ass was not the biggest fan of heights back then, let me tell you.

So needless to say, the first time I rode the Millennium Force, it traumatized my ass quite a bit.

Well, you can bet your ass it didn't take long for my stupid brain to be like,

Hey, I wrote a script for this new dream.

It's called Get Stuck on Top of the Millennium Force Dream.

Does that sound like fun?

Yeah, that's right.

In this reoccurring nightmare,

I get stuck at the very tippity-top of the Millennium Force.

Now, I've had this dream hundreds of times, to say the least.

And sure, it's not always exactly the same.

Sometimes the Millennium Force will be made out of popsicle sticks, and it's flimsy as hell.

Sometimes the Millennium Force is so high up, it's basically in the fucking stratosphere.

Hell, sometimes it's not even the Millennium Force at all.

Instead, it'll be some, like, new bullshit ride that my stupid ass brain came up with.

Hey, you guys wanna ride the Holy High Five?

Uh, what's the Holy High Five?

Oh, it's a roller coaster that's so high up, you can high-five God.

Oh, piss! Oh, piss!

But no matter what rendition of this stupid nightmare plays out in my head, it always ends the same way.

And that, of course, is with me falling off the fucking roller coaster, and with me waking up in bed abruptly.

Oh, piss!

With the feeling of my asshole up in my own throat.

Now, thankfully, it's just a dream.

It's not real.

And there's nothing to be afraid of.

That is, until, you know, ten years later as an adult,

I actually did get stuck on the fucking Millennium Force.

Yeah, what a rootin' tootin' time that is.

Having a reoccurring nightmare all of a sudden become reality.

There we are, me and my wife, living our best lives, suspended hundreds of feet in the air, stuck on the fucking Millennium Force.

And hey, guess what?

I already did a cartoon of that story, like, fucking ten years ago.

So if you wanna know that whole story, go check out that cartoon.

Or don't. I'm not your dad.

I can't tell you what to do.

But those are my personal top three reoccurring nightmares.

And if you don't think they're very scary, well, that's fine.

But you better hope that one of your stupid-ass nightmares doesn't come true, because it sucks ass, let me tell you.

Ah! Oh, wow, what a fucking weird nightmare.

Hey, you! It's me, Dog the Bounty Hunter.

I'm repossessing your Honda Accord, you fucking piece of shit.

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