Chapter 1, The New PTA President, My name is Ajay and I hate school, but you know what, soon I won't have to go to school anymore for a long time, you know why, because today is the first day of June, yay, June is the best month of the year because it's when summer starts, yippee, no school until September.

Me and the guys were putting our backpacks into our cubbies, it was Michael who started singing the best song in the history of the world, no more pencils, sang Michael who never ties his shoes, no more books, sang Ryan who will eat anything, even stuff that isn't food, no more teachers, sang Neil, who we call Neil the nude kid even though he wears clothes, dirty looks, I sang, that's when Andrea came in, she is an annoying girl with curly brown hair who loves school, Andrea had on her mean face, hey Andrea, I said, what's with the mean face, are you mad because school is almost over, no Arlo, said Andrea who calls me by my real name because she knows I don't like it, that's not why I'm mad, did you hear about the PTA election last night, no, my mother was running for president, Andrea said, but she came in second, so she has to be vice president again, big deal, I told Andrea, if the president gets assassinated then your mom will become president, nobody assassinates PTA presidents Arlo, Andrea said rolling her eyes, they do too, I told her, do not do too, we went back and forth like that for a while, sheesh, what a grouch, so what if her mom isn't PTA president, Andrea should take a chill I went to my seat which is next to Ryan's, where is Miss Daisy, Ryan asked, I looked around, our teacher, Mrs. Daisy was nowhere to be found, she usually gets to class early, Mrs. Daisy used to be called Miss Daisy, but then she got married, ladies become Mrs. when they get married, nobody knows why, since Mrs. Daisy wasn't around I crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it at Andrea, it bounced off her head, Arlo, Andrea shouted, why did you do that, does there have to be a reason, suddenly Mr. Klutz came running into the class, he's the principal of elementary school and he has no hair at all, most principals polish their shoes but Mr. Klutz polishes his head, Mrs. Daisy will be late today, she said, she has a doctor's appointment, is Mrs. Daisy sick, asked Emily, who is Andrea's crybaby friend, she looked all worried like she does whenever anybody in the world is sick, she's fine, said Mr. Klutz, actually I'm glad Mrs. Daisy is late because the new PTA president wants to speak to you in private, I'd like to introduce Mr. Klutz never had the chance to finish his sentence, you'll never believe in a million hundred years who walked into the door, nobody because if you walked into a door it would hurt but you'll never believe who walked into the doorway, it was Ryan's mom Mrs. Dole, chapter two, Ryan's mom is weird, wow, Ryan's mom is the new PTA president, congratulations, Mrs. Dole said Mr. Klutz, I'm sure you'll do a great job, Mr. Klutz had to go to a meeting so he left Ryan's mom to watch us, Mrs. Dole looked a lot like Ryan except that she's a lady and old, when she walked into our class, Ryan hid under his desk, I couldn't blame him, that's what I would do if my mom walked into the class, parents should never come into your class unless it's your birthday and they're bringing cupcakes for everybody, that's the first rule of being a kid, wow, the president of the PTA is important, I whispered to Ryan, that's almost like being president of the United States, Ryan slid farther under his desk, Andrea crossed her arms and said, whenever somebody crosses their arms and says, it means they're mad, nobody knows why, good morning, said Mrs. Dole, are you kids excited about the end of school, yes, said all the boys, no, said all the girls, are you excited about moving up to third grade, Mrs. Dole asked, yes, said all the girls, no, said all the boys, I was thinking, wouldn't it be nice to give presents to Mrs. Daisy, said Mrs. Dole, she worked so hard for you all year, what would you like to give her, I'll give her a skateboard, I said, that's what you want, Arlo, Andrea said, rolling her eyes, try to think of something Mrs. Daisy would want, Mrs. Dole said, what does she like more than anything, flowers, suggested Neil the nude kid, shoes, said Michael, suddenly I got the greatest idea in the history of the world, bonbons, I shouted, yeah, bonbons, everybody agreed, bonbons are yummy chocolate cheats, Mrs. Daisy eats them all the time, well, not while she's taking a shower, that would be weird, she told us she can eat a whole box of bonbons in one sitting, everybody thought giving Mrs. Daisy bonbons was a great idea, Neil the nude kid said I should get the Nobel Prize, that's a prize they give out to people who don't have bells, okay, your homework is to buy a present for Mrs. Daisy and bring it to school tomorrow, Mrs. Dole said, any questions, are we going to get more homework in third grade, asked Emily, I'm not sure, Mrs. Dole said, next year you'll learn the multiplication tables and you're going to learn all about, Mrs. Dole didn't get the chance to finish her sentence because that's when the strangest thing in the history of the world happened, she started crying, you kids are growing up so fast, Mrs. Dole blubbered, I can hardly believe that my little baby Ryan is going to be a third grader, it seems like only yesterday he was in diapers, everybody looked at Ryan who was still hiding under his desk, your diapers yesterday, I asked him, Mrs. Dole continued, I remember when all my baby Ryan could say was goo goo gaga and all he could do was pee, I had to wipe his little bottom for him and now look at him, everybody looked at Ryan, Mrs. Dole grabbed a tissue from Mrs. Daisy's desk and blew her nose into it, into the tissue that is blowing your nose into a desk would be weird, I'm sorry, I get so emotional over my baby, she said and she ran out the door, is she gone, Ryan asked, yeah you can come out from under your desk now, Michael said, your mom is weird, I told Ryan, I know, he replied, she goes overboard a lot, she jumps out of boats, I asked, that's really weird, there were no grown-ups in the room, so I got up and shook my butt at the class, some of the kids laughed, then me and Michael and Neil teased Ryan for all that peeing he did when he was a baby, that's what all babies do, Arlo, Andrea said, well I'm never having a baby, I told her, you can't have a baby, Arlo, Andrea said, you're a boy, whew, that was a relief, if babies just pee all day, I wouldn't want to have one anyway, we had to stop talking about peeing because guess who came into the room at that very second, it was Mrs. Daisy, chapter three, the good old days, Mrs. Daisy came in with our reading teacher, Mr. Mackey, they were holding hands and making googly eyes at each other, oh, disgusting, Mr. Mackey said he would meet her in the teacher's lounge at lunchtime, Mrs. Daisy and Mr. Mackey haven't been married very long, that's why they're so mushy with each other, once they've been married for a few years, they'll stop doing all that mushy stuff, my parents have been married for like a century and they hardly ever do mushy stuff, are you sick, Mrs. Daisy, asked Emily, Mr. Klutz told us you went to the doctor, it was just a checkup, she replied, let's get to work, it's time for our word of the day, today's word is unique, what does that mean, asked Michael, I have no idea, said Mrs. Daisy, who doesn't know anything, does anybody know what unique means, Andrea stuck her hand in the air of course, little miss I know everything keeps a dictionary on her desk, so she can look up words and show everybody how smart she is, but Mrs. Daisy called on me instead, unique means furniture that's really old, I said, my mom has a unique table, everybody laughed even though I didn't say anything funny, that's antique, dumbhead, said Andrea, unique means something that's one of a kind, oh snap, said Ryan, I knew that, I lied, but a really old piece of furniture that's one of a kind is unique, it's a unique antique, na na na boo boo on Andrea, in her face, no wonder I'm in the gifted and talented program, after we finished our word of the day, it was time for writing, I hate writing, the school year is almost over, Mrs. Daisy said, as she passed out pieces of paper, let's write about our favorite memories of second grade, Mrs. Daisy told us to close our eyes and remember some of the nice things that happened since September, remember the time Mrs. Rupi dressed up like Johnny Appleseed, asked Andrea, yeah, we all said Mrs. Rupi is loopy, remember the time we went on a field trip and Mr. Docker ate a bug, asked Ryan, yeah, Mr. Docker is off his rocker, remember the time we drove that substitute teacher, Miss Todd crazy and she ran screaming into the parking lot, Michael asked, yeah, Miss Todd is odd, I couldn't decide if I should write about the time Mr. Klutz was hanging from the flagpole or the time Neil the nude kid's ferret pooped on Emily's head, remember the time we had a food fight in the vomitorium, Neil asked, yeah, that was great, I must admit, even though I hate school, we had some fun in second grade, those were the good old days, I said, remember the time we had a sleepover in the Natural History Museum and a giant hissing cockroach crawled into Emily's sleeping bag, that happened last week, Arlo, Andrea said, so did your face, I told her, Mrs. Daisy said she had to go to the ladies room and that we should get started writing while she was gone, as soon as she left, I crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it at Andrea, you are so immature, Arlo, Andrea said, maybe you'll get held back, huh, I asked, what do you mean held back, didn't you know, Andrea said, they take the bad kids and make them repeat the grade all over again, you're a bad kid, so you might be held back, what, could they really do that, if I had known they make kids repeat a grade, I wouldn't have done so much bad stuff.