Woo!

Thanks.

Hi, um, I want to start with a song that's about that moment when you suddenly realize what life is really all about.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, thank you very much.

New York City has no power And the milk is getting sour But to me it is not scary Cause I stay away from dairy La la la la la la la la la You know what I just realized?

Joker is poker with a J.

Coincidence?

Hey, that's, that's Joe Incidence with a C.

My tinfoil hat?

No, cause you need that.

No, it's okay, thanks.

Please, let me do something.

Okay, alright, I'll tell you what, you buy me a soda and then we're even.

Keep the change.

Thanks, Lucy.

Sure you don't want a pretzel?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

See ya.

Huh.

A thumb?

Ew.

I know, I know, I opened it up and there it was just floating in there like this tiny little hitchhiker.

Well, maybe it's a contest, you know, like collect all five.

How did we end up with these jerks?

We're good people.

I don't know, I think we're like some kind of magnets.

I know I am, that's why I can't wear a digital watch.

There's more beer, right?

Oh, you know my friend Abby who shaves her head?

She says that if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual.

Pheebs, this woman is voluntarily bald.

Yeah.

So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys.

It's Valentine's Day, it's perfect.

Okay, well, what kind of ritual?

Okay, we can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.

Or?

Or.

Or, we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.

Burning's good.

Burning's good.

Yeah, I did stuff to burn.

Okay, so now we need sage branches and the sacramental wine.

All I had is oregano and a fresca.

Um, that's okay.

Okay.

Okay.

All right, now we need the semen of a righteous man.

Okay, Pheebs, you know what?

If we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.

Can we just start throwing things in?

Um, yeah, okay.

Oh.

Okay.

Um.

Okay, Barry's letters.

Adam Ritter's boxer shorts.

And I have the receipt for my dinner with...

Hey, look, there's a picture of Scotty Jared naked.

Oh, let me see.

He's wearing a sweater.

No.

Ew!

Okay.

And here we have the last of Paolo's grappa.

Wait, wait, Rachel, isn't it almost pure...

Ah!

What do we got there?

Yeah, a piece of silk.

Boxer shorts.

Some greeting cards.

Looks like a half-charred picture of...

Wow, that guy's hairier than the chief.

You know, it's a really funny story on his outfit.

It's all right, it's all right.

You don't have to explain.

This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire that we've seen get out of control.

You're our third call tonight.

Really?

Oh, sure.

Valentine's is our busiest night of the year.

Well, we get off around midnight.

Why don't we pick you up then?

Okay.

Great.

So, what are we doing?

Well, um...

Will you bring the truck?

I'll even let you ring the bell.

See you later.

Bye. See you later.

Oh, my God.

See?

There you go.

Cleansing works.

You're right.

Nice guy.

Oh, they're fireman guys.

You guys tell them you're married?

No way.

You're kidding?

My girlfriend doesn't know.

I'm not going to tell them.

Chandler's coming.

And he says he has, like, this incredible news.

So, when he gets here, let's all act like, you know...

Hey.

Hey.

Never mind.

But it was going to be really good.

What's going on?

All right.

What'd you do with him?

You're awake.

Look at you.

How do you feel?

Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay.

Gosh, you look good.

I feel good.

Who are you?

Oh, sorry.

I'm Phoebe Buffay.

I'm Monica Geller.

I've been taking care of you.

Well, we both have.

So, the Etch-A-Sketch is from you guys?

Well, actually, it's just from me.

Yeah, I got you the foot massager.

You know who shaved you?

That was me.

I read to you.

I sang.

Ha!

Well, thanks.

Oh, my pleasure.

You're welcome.

So, I guess I'll see you around.

What?

That's it?

See you around?

Well, what do you want me to say?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe, uh, that was nice.

Admit something to me.

I'll call you.

All right, I'll call you.

I don't think you mean that.

This is so typical.

You know, we give, and we give, and we give, and then we just get nothing back.

And then one day, it's just, you know, you wake up and see you around.

Let's go, Phoebe.

You know what?

We thought you were different, but I guess it was just the coma.

Oh, God, you should have seen him.

Read him and weep.

And then he did.

Well, now, how come you guys have never played poker with us?

Yeah, what is that?

Like some kind of guy thing?

Like some kind of sexist guy thing?

Like, it's poker, so only guys can play.

No, women are welcome to play.

Oh, okay, so then what is it?

Some kind of, you know, like, like some kind of, you know, like...

What is it?

There just don't happen to be any women in our game.

Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker.

Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse.

I mean, it's a typical guy response.

Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?

No.

Huh?

Wow, it's huge!

So much bigger than the cubicle.

Oh, this is a cube.

Look at this.

You have a window!

Yes, indeedy.

With a beautiful view of...

Oh, look, that guy's peeing.

Okay, that's enough of the view.

All right, check this out, look at this.

Okay, sit down here, sit down.

Okay.

Okay, this is great, this is great.

Helen, could you come in here for a moment?

Thank you, Helen, that'll be all.

Last time I do that, I promise.

I need some milk.

Okay, I've got milk.

Here you go.

Oh.

Better?

No.

Oh, I feel so stupid!

Oh, I think about the other day with you guys, you know, and I was all, oh, Paolo, he's so great, he makes me feel so...

Oh, God!

I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

I'm the one he hit on.

Oh, baby, I unleashed him on you.

If I had never met him, this would have never happened to you.

I'm so sorry.

Don't feed me, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

Oh, wait, oh.

What are we sorry about?

I don't know.

Right.

He's the pig.

Such a pig.

Oh, God, he's such a pig.

He's like a big, disgusting pig.

Pig man.

Yes, good, okay.

Oh, but he was my pig man.

How did I not see this?

Oh, I know!

Because he's gorgeous.

And he's charming.

And when he looks at Fiona...

Okay, okay.

The end.

Oh, God.

Should I not have told you?

No.

No, trust me, it's much better that I know.

I just liked it better before it was better.

Hi, guys.

Hey, baby.

Hey, how did it go?

Um, not so good.

He walked me to the subway and said, we should do this again.

Oh.

What?

He said we should do it again.

That's good, right?

Uh, no.

Loosely translated, we should do this again means, you will never see me naked.

Oh.

Since when?

Since always.

It's like dating language.

You know, like, it's not you means, it is you.

Or you're such a nice guy means, I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you.

Or, or, or, you know, I think we should see other people means.

I already am.

Hey, Pheebs, guess who we saw today?

Oh, oh, fun, okay.

Uh, Liam Neeson.

No.

Marley Safer.

No.

The woman who cuts my hair.

No.

Okay, look, this could be a really long game.

Your sister, Ursula.

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh...

Riffs, yeah, I know.

Oh, you do?

Because she said you guys haven't talked in, like, years.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

So, um, is she fat?

Not from where I was standing.

Where were you standing?

Um, Pheebs, so you, you guys just don't get along?

It's mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know, and...

Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it... ...at that same day.

Oh, I'm so sorry, you guys.

I didn't mean to bring you down.

No, you were right.

I don't have a plan.

Pizza guy.

Oh, thank God.

Phoebe?

What?

Do you have a plan?

I don't even have a pla...