I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're just...

What is it?

What is today's date?

What's the date?

What is this?

We are just...

We are just a little over one week away from Christmas.

And I would say, I hope your stockings are hung by the chimney with care, your eggs are nogged, and your... and your nuts are fully megged, but apparently, according to a new poll, Americans are over Christmas traditions.

What? Christmas is traditions.

You can't be over them and still have Christmas.

If you don't put out your wooden shoes, how will Sinterklaas fill them with dried fruits and nut meat for a prosperous harvest?

Think, Hans, think.

One tradition that a lot of people are ready to shake up is the holiday meal, evidently, with many people saying that this year they want burgers instead of turkey.

Yeah, that's true.

That, according to noted sociographic analyst Clarence T.

Gobbleson.

He's a doctor.

It's Dr. Clarence T.

Gobbleton.

But I got to ask, if we eat burgers on Christmas, what are we going to eat on the Fourth of July?

This just throws off the whole festive food calendar.

I can't eat burritos on Arbor Day.

You eat wood.

It's not just burgers. 44% of respondents say they want pizza, 38% said tacos, and 34% said Chinese takeout.

Yes, that 34% also celebrates Christmas by watching a movie and then lighting Hanukkah candles.

Americans also, sure, it's a miracle.

How did the oil, how did the oil last?

Americans also want to dress differently this year. 47% would prefer to spend the whole day in their pajamas rather than getting dressed down.

Okay, I just want to point out, you want to stay in what you slept in.

Avoid your family while eating tacos and pizza.

That's not Christmas.

That's not Christmas.

That's clinical depression.

Other holiday trends are on the way out. 28% of respondents said they're open to swapping Elf on the Shelf.

Well, that's fine, because based on the look of that elf, I'm pretty sure he's into swapping.

Hey, hey.

Wow.

Hey, uh...

Hey, hey, three wise men.

My elf wife and I just noticed you from across the mantle, and, uh, we like your vibe.

Don't forget to bring the myrrh.

There are also...

What's myrrh?

There are also some fun new dating trends this Christmas, according to a reporter who clearly needed to fill out their Christmas word count.

For example, that thing where you have a holiday fling, and then the magic wears off, and the relationship kind of melts away, that's being called snowmanning.

Yeah.

Not to be confused with Snow Manning, which is the musical duo made up of quarterback Peyton Manning and Canadian reggae rapper Snow.

Now, you might say that graphic is a lot of effort for a joke that we can all agree is a bit of stretch.

Until you say that we also made this, Snow Manning's greatest hit.

Jim?

In football, you run and pass and throw, and it's a game, I want a big touchdown.

One...

Merry Christmas.

One dating expert, a job that is very real, explained Snow Manning this way.

Christmas is a great opportunity to find someone special.

However, once the drinks stop flowing and the decorations come down, sometimes that initial burst of chemistry wears off.

I believe we have footage of the original example of Snow Manning.

I was just hooking up with Charlotte to stave off my seasonal depression!

In other, in other...

In other...

In other wintry dating trends, there's supposedly something called sledging, which is when you drag someone along through the holidays with the intention of dumping them.

There's also winter coding, in which people reach out to old flames in the winter, much like they would an old coat.

Yes, the best is when you reach inside your old lover and find a $20 bill.

Damn, it's a mask!

Yeah, I know, you find a lot of masks.

I've found a lot of masks so far this year.

New Year's is also gonna give us some gifts, because Popeye will enter the public domain in 2025.

That's right.

We'll all be celebrating it on Anderson and Andy's New Year's Popeye's Eve.

These days, copyrights expire after 95 years, so the public domain Popeye is from 1929, like this first appearance in a comic called Thimble Theater, where Popeye famously says, You think I'm a cowboy?

That's nice.

In just a little over two weeks, that catchphrase can be mine.

And I can finally get rid of my current catchphrase, Yabba-dabba-late-show!

Popeye, thank you, thank you.

Really did not expect an applause on that.

Popeye, no, no, I was not...

I promise you, I was not throwing on the milking machine right there.

Popeye isn't the only comic going public.

So is Tintin, a character who is super popular in most countries, but not here.

It's kind of like the metric system, okay?

So to make it easier for Americans, just remember one Tintin is exactly 2.54 Bart Simpsons.

Of course, the new year is also, the new year is also gonna bring us a new old president.

Well, yesterday, that guy held a press conference at Mar-a-Lago.

I'm not gonna talk about it much, because I don't want to, and you can't make me.

Okay, okay.

Matter of fact, I'm already done.

What else is going on?

You know, it's easy to get down about the potential collapse of democracy in America, but don't forget to also get down about the potential collapse of democracy in other countries, too.

Especially among our allies.

In just the past month, South Korea's president has been impeached, the French government fell, and Germany is facing economic crisis and government collapse.

Even our goody-two-shoes upstairs neighbors are having a rough run of it because there's a political crisis around Canadian prime minister and Disney prince who's so boring you'd rather hook up with a talking candlestick, Justin Trudeau.

Trudeau has become very unpopular because Canadians are frustrated by the rising cost of living and immigration.

Welcome to the club, deadly do-wrong.

There you go.

There you go.

Hey, how's it going?

How you guys doing?

Everybody okay?

All right.

Just tell that.

I'll tell you what, let me hit with some of Grandpa Joe's hard-earned wisdom.

You done, you burnt.

Scoot your freezing keister, meester.

Just pardon your son, get the hell out of there, and then buy a couple of drones and fly him around the airport.

Have a great time.

Confuse the hell out of everybody.

Just sit right there.

That's what Jill and I are doing.

Come on, Justin Jack.

Even more challenging, Trudeau, thank you, citizen.

Even more challenging, Trudeau has to deal with Trump's threats of a 25% tariff on Canadian imports.

That would be a disaster for Canada.

Three quarters of their exports go to the United States.

Lumber, maple syrup, not to mention they're our number one supplier of dry.

What are we going to import now, Polish wet?

You know their motto, you drink wet now.

Oh, you know what that sound means, time for bird news.

I love all our winged friends, Robins, Flamingos, Buffalo Wild, so I was thrilled to learn that the bald eagle is finally set to become America's official national bird.

Now you're probably saying, Steve, I thought it was already the official national bird.

Nope, officially, America's national bird is the KFC Double Down.

There's some terrible news from across the pond because apparently a Guinness-less Christmas may be in the cards as pubs run dry across the UK.

One reason might be because what used to be seen as the drink of choice for middle-aged men has recently soared in popularity among younger women.

Welcome, younger women.

Welcome to our world.

Middle-aged men have all the best hobbies, dad bands, cargo shorts, taking pictures of graduation with an iPad.

We've got a great show for you tonight.

My guests are Elton John and Brandi Carlile.

Stick around.