And I was like, there's no chance.

我當時想，沒機會了。

I'm 47 years old.

我今年 47 歲。

This is the only way I've ever interacted with myself.

這是我與自己互動的唯一方式。

How in the world could this be undone?

這一切到底該如何挽回？

It would take another 40 years to undo this.

要挽回這一切，還需要 40 年的時間。

And they're like, no, no, here's this exercise you're gonna do.

他們會說，不，不，這是你要做的練習。

One of the hallmarks of my existence has always been an insane amount of anger and rage.

我存在的標誌之一，一直是瘋狂的憤怒和怒火。

It's been there as long as I've known.

從我懂事起，它就一直在那裡。

So I don't have a conscious memory of not having rage.

所以，我並沒有關於沒有憤怒的有意識記憶。

So earliest memories of life when I'm five years old, I have rage like you can't believe.

是以，在我五歲時，我對生活最早的記憶就是憤怒，你簡直無法相信。

And it's a problem all my life.

這是我一輩子的問題。

So as a teenager, if I go more than two weeks without punching a hole in the wall of our house, it's a miracle.

是以，作為一名青少年，如果我兩週以上沒有在家裡的牆上打一個洞，那就是一個奇蹟。

You can't believe how good I am for all the stuff I have to repair around our house.

你簡直無法相信，我對家裡所有需要修理的東西有多好。

Like I'm breaking windows, I'm breaking, it just doesn't.

就像我打碎窗戶一樣，我打碎了，它就是不碎。

And so in a way, and of course I rationalized how much boxing saved my life because I had this amazing outlet for my rage, right?

所以在某種程度上，當然，我合理地認為拳擊救了我的命，因為我有了這個發洩憤怒的好地方，對嗎？

I got to basically exercise six hours a day.

我基本上每天都要鍛鍊六小時。

I'm hitting punching bags in people all day long.

我整天都在打人。

And it's just a beautiful outlet that keeps me out of jail.

這只是一個美麗的出口，讓我遠離監獄。

And a big part of that rage was inward, right?

這種憤怒很大程度上是向內的，對嗎？

So it's not rocket science to understand that a person who has that much hatred for everyone has an enormous amount for themselves.

是以，一個對所有人都懷有如此大仇恨的人，對自己也懷有巨大的仇恨，這並不難理解。

And one of the things I didn't realize was happening was what my inner monologue was.

我沒有意識到的一件事是，我的內心獨白是什麼。

Because as you can appreciate, your inner monologue is so frequent and ubiquitous and present that it's easy to almost forget that it's there.

因為正如你所體會到的，你的內心獨白是如此頻繁、無處不在，以至於你很容易幾乎忘記它的存在。

I mean, that's the sort of dangerous part about it.

我是說，這才是最危險的地方。

Is kind of the David Foster Wallace, this is water thing.

就像大衛-福斯特-華萊士說的，"這就是水"。

The fish are swimming through water.

魚兒在水中游來游去。

The water's everywhere.

到處都是水

They don't even realize they're in water.

它們甚至沒有意識到自己在水裡。

You don't realize the subconscious stream of thoughts that constantly flow.

你沒有意識到潛意識中不斷湧動的思緒。

But eventually I became aware of just what that self-talk was.

但最終，我意識到這種自我對話是什麼。

And it is, it was, it's no longer the case.

現在是，過去是，現在不再是了。

It was the angriest, the most violent self-talk you can imagine.

這是你能想象到的最憤怒、最激烈的自我對話。

I mean, it was like, there is no mistake that I could make that was anything other than my perfect, perfect standard that didn't result in what I would call my inner Bobby Knight going ballistic.

我的意思是，我不可能犯任何錯誤，除了我完美無缺的標準之外，不會導致我內心的鮑比-奈特發飆。

It sounds silly under, it didn't matter.

這聽起來很傻，但並不重要。

If I didn't perfectly cook a steak, if I didn't perfectly nail something I was doing, if I didn't do anything that was perfect at what I described as match grade perfect, I mean, I would want to beat myself to a pulp and I would scream at myself.

如果我做的牛排不完美，如果我做的事情不完美，如果我做的事情沒有達到我所說的完美級別，我就會想把自己打成肉醬，對自己大吼大叫。

I mean, it just, again, it's hard to describe.

我的意思是，這很難描述。

And I hope that most people listening to this don't understand what that feels like.

我希望大多數聽眾不會理解這種感覺。

Well, it became very clear that that had to change because when you are, when you are that, when you hate yourself that much, by definition, you are going to be an insufferable prick to everybody else.

很顯然，這種情況必須改變，因為當你是這樣的人，當你是那樣的人，當你那麼討厭自己的時候，顧名思義，你就會成為一個讓別人無法忍受的刺頭。

Like, cause you're just, that's gonna spill into how you interact with the world.

就像，因為你只是，這會影響到你與世界的互動。

So I was working with a therapist who was one of the people who was sending me to this place in Arizona.

所以我和一位治療師一起工作，他也是把我送到亞利桑那州這個地方的人之一。

And basically it became clear that, you know, they proposed that I could shed this trait if I was willing to do a certain amount of work.

基本上很明顯的是，你知道，他們提出，如果我願意做一定的工作，我就可以擺脫這種特質。

And I was like, there's no chance.

我當時想，沒機會了。

Like, I'm 47 years old.

比如，我已經 47 歲了。

This is the only way I've ever interacted with myself.

這是我與自己互動的唯一方式。

How in the world could this be undone?

這一切到底該如何挽回？

It would take another 40 years to undo this.

要挽回這一切，還需要 40 年的時間。

And they're like, no, no, here's this exercise you're gonna do.

他們會說，不，不，這是你要做的練習。

So the exercise was, every single time I did something where I would have that self-talk, I would have to immediately stop myself and pretend that it wasn't me that just did that, but it was one of my closest friends.

是以，練習的內容是，每當我做了什麼事情，我都會有這樣的自我對話，我必須立即阻止自己，假裝剛剛那樣做的不是我，而是我最親密的朋友之一。

And instead I would audibly speak to that person, there was nobody else there, but speak to that person as though they are the one that made the mistake.

相反，我會在沒有其他人在場的情況下，用聲音和那個人說話，就好像犯錯誤的人是他一樣。

And I was to record that on my phone.

我要用手機錄下來。

So if I'm out there shooting my bow and arrow and I don't get a bullseye, instead of screaming at myself, I have to say, oh, imagine it's my buddy JR who just missed that shot.

是以，如果我在外面拉弓射箭，沒有射中靶心，我不會對自己大喊大叫，而是會說：哦，想象一下，剛才射偏的是我的朋友 JR。

What would I say to him?

我該怎麼跟他說？

Pick up the phone or pull out the phone and say, of course, something different.

拿起電話或掏出手機，說的當然是不一樣的話。

And of course, what I would say in that situation was much kinder.

當然，在這種情況下，我說的話會親切得多。

I mean, infinitely kinder.

我是說，無限親切。

It's like, if I'm saying it to my closest friend, I'm gonna say it in a very kind way.

這就好比，如果我對我最親密的朋友說這句話，我就會以一種非常親切的方式說出來。

And I had to take a copy of that audio and text it to my therapist.

我不得不把那段音頻拷貝下來，發短信給我的治療師。

Oh, wow.

哦，哇

Yeah.

是啊

Talk about vulnerability.

說到脆弱

I was all on board this practice until you mentioned that at which point, and I trust my therapist to a very deep level, but I thought, wow, that's a mountain.

在你提到這一點之前，我一直都很支持這種做法，我對我的治療師有很深的信任，但我想，哇，這真是一座大山。

You know, this poor person got a lot of text messages, a lot of audio files.

你知道，這個可憐的人收到了很多簡訊和音頻文件。

But here's the part that just blows my mind.

但讓我大跌眼鏡的是這裡。

It only took, I don't know, I can't remember exactly.

我不知道，我記不清楚了。

I'd have to go back to look at my journals.

我得回去看看我的日記。

Only took about four months to get rid of Bobby Knight.

擺脫鮑比-奈特只用了四個月。

Like, you know, again, we had kind of a mental model for what this looked like, which was Bobby Knight was the chairman of the board.

就像，你知道，我們有一個心理模型，就是鮑比-奈特是董事會主席。

He sat in the boardroom and nobody else got to talk.

他坐在會議室裡，其他人都沒有發言權。

And for those that don't know, Bobby Knight had a terrible temper.

對於那些不知道的人來說，鮑比-奈特的脾氣非常糟糕。

Yeah.

是啊

The worst.

最糟糕的

Right.

對

This is the guy that was throwing chairs across the basketball court.

這就是那個在籃球場上扔椅子的傢伙。

Level 11.

第 11 級

Yep, out of 10.

是的，滿分 10 分。

And all of a sudden, like, we got to the point where Bobby Knight is not even in the boardroom anymore.

突然之間，鮑比-奈特連會議室都不在了。

In fact, as I say this today, like, I don't really remember what he sounded like.

事實上，我今天說這些的時候，已經不記得他的聲音是什麼樣的了。

I mean, it's amazing to me.

我的意思是，這對我來說太不可思議了。

And I've had some really amazing opportunities to bring him back.

我有一些非常好的機會把他帶回來。

Like, it's not like I'm making fewer mistakes, right?

比如，我犯的錯誤不會少吧？

It's not like I'm better today than I was three years ago at all the things that I do.

並不是說我今天做的所有事情都比三年前好。

I'm not.

我沒有。

I'm actually probably worse in many regards.

實際上，我在很多方面可能更糟糕。

But the difference is, you know, I can communicate with myself.

但不同的是，我可以和自己交流。

I think I can say this.

我想我可以這麼說。

I think I can say lovingly, right?

我想我可以說是充滿愛意的，對嗎？

And maybe not as lovingly as some people can.

也許不像有些人那樣充滿愛心。

I still think I'm probably maybe just a little higher standard with myself than maybe I need to be at times, but I'm just not beating myself up like I used to.

我仍然認為我對自己的要求有時可能比我需要的更高，但我不再像以前那樣自責了。

And I think by extension, I'm beating other people up a lot less.

我想，這樣一來，我打別人的次數也少了很多。

First of all, I want to thank you for sharing what you just shared.

首先，我要感謝你剛才的分享。

First of all, it's one I've never heard of before, but certainly represents this incredible phenomenon of neuroplasticity, because four months sounds like a bit of time, and yet you were 47 years old.

首先，這是我以前從未聽說過的，但肯定代表了這種令人難以置信的神經可塑性現象，因為四個月聽起來有點長，而你當時 47 歲。

So 47 years of accumulated, just absolutely berating self-talk is what it sounds like.

所以，47 年的積累，聽起來就是絕對的自我斥責。

So it's something that people can think about for their own purposes.

是以，人們可以根據自己的目的來考慮這件事。

So I want to thank you for that, and especially for sharing what you did today, because I think it doesn't just take a bit of vulnerability, but a ton of vulnerability and humility to be able to share what you just shared.

是以，我要為此感謝你，特別是感謝你分享了你今天所做的一切，因為我認為，要分享你剛才所分享的一切，需要的不僅僅是一點點的脆弱，而是大量的脆弱和謙卑。

And my only request or wish is that you also, hopefully internalize it, the tremendous gift that you're giving everybody.

我唯一的請求或願望就是，希望你們也能將它內化，這是你送給大家的巨大禮物。

Thank you.

謝謝。