So...

I did my wordle, and then I came on in.

Yes.

The introverts, they are my people.

Sometimes I'll even ask by round of applause, you know, where the other introverts are in the room, and...

I got it.

Nailed it.

Just the one solitary clap.

That was it.

And they are probably heading home right now.

Like, I overdid it.

That was the Trump scene.

I shouldn't have done that.

I know, I know, my people aren't going to applaud.

I know this.

They might give me like half a head nod, and then we're going to look right back at our shoes where it says, that is what my people do, but...

I feel like as an introvert and a comic, I have just the pleasure of sharing with the extroverts what the introverts have been talking about, you know?

Like, talking is kind of a strong word, I think, but I mean...

I mean, we have a group text, alright?

That's what we have.

But here's just something that I feel like I'd like to share with you guys, that most introverts can agree with, and that is that we... miss COVID, you guys.

That was the golden age of it.

That was our Normandy, you guys.

We stormed that beach, and then we went home for three years.

And we would do it again.

Absolutely, we would.

Now one thing, as an introvert, I will tell you this.

I try to treat everybody the way I want to be treated, you know?

It's the golden rule.

That wasn't the punchline yet, but we'll get to it.

It doesn't even matter to me if you are the CEO of a Fortune 500 company or just a homeless person on the side of the road, you know?

I am not going to talk to either of you.

Probably should have led with that, actually.

I really tried to spin that into a noble cause, but that didn't work.

I think as an introvert, I'm pretty comfortable with most things about it, but there's one thing I do not like, and that is confrontation.

I avoid confrontation at all costs, you know?

If there is somebody mad at me or who does not like me at work, I would rather go find a new job than ever have a conversation about it.

I'll be at the next job interview, and they'll ask me why I left that last job.

And I'll just be like, well, I accidentally reheated salmon in the microwave.

There were some people that did not like that, I'll tell you that, and I am just here for a fresh start.

Here's how much I know I don't like confrontation.

I was dating a girl in college, and I didn't think things were going well.

I thought it would be best if we just went our own separate ways and saw other people.

And I sat her down and I told her that.

And she looked back at me and said, nah, I don't think so.

I'm going to be honest, I did not know that was an option.

That had never been an option when the roles were reversed.

But because I don't like confrontation, I just went along with it.

And earlier this year, we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.

Guys, I don't know why you're applauding.

That is a cry for help.

I have been in a hostage situation that I cannot get out of.

I could not be blinking any faster.

I need help.

No, it's fine.

I think there's probably plenty of times in the last 25 years where she's thought to herself, I probably should have let him break up with me.

That is on me, you know.

We have made it.

We have made it so far.

I know a lot of comers, they'll get up and talk about all the wonderful things they have done in life.

And I cannot do that.

I have lived a boring life.

I do not have a lot of accomplishments to talk about.

I have still never seen an episode of Game of Thrones.

Largely because I don't want to get caught using somebody's HBO Max password.

I don't need that kind of pressure in my life right now.

I don't.

I don't.

I went to private school, so I learned entitlement at a really young age.

I did that.

I think maybe one of the edgiest things I've ever done.

I have finished every round of antibiotic I've ever been prescribed.

That is as exciting as my life gets.

My high schooler and I, though, we're the same size, so we can share clothes.

Which I think is really awesome, because it saves us money.

It is just a lot more embarrassing for her.

But we can do it.

We can.

Something else about me.

I just want you guys to feel safe.

I have never been arrested.

And I don't say that to brag.

I know my own limitations.

You know?

I do.

I think about consequences all the time.

I am not prison material, you guys.

I know this.

Although I've had friends say, no, you are prison material.

And I don't know why they have to say that with such a big smile on their face.

I don't like their tone, actually.

I think I should have better friends than that, you know?

But I have never been arrested.

Although in 6th grade, some friends dared me to steal a candy bar with them from a gas station.

And I went along with it.

And I came running out of that gas station, clutching a package of Werther's Originals.

I am not smart enough to do crime, you guys.

My friends came out with Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and M&M's.

And I went for the go-to candy of the 80 and over crowd.

I don't know what my endgame was.

I don't know if I was thinking of my Meemaw.

I have no idea.

I'm not smart enough for crime.

But I have always been fascinated by crime.

And I think it's because when I was young, my parents introduced me to a little show called Murder, She Wrote.

Now, I don't know how many have seen Murder, She Wrote in here.

But for just those of you who haven't, here's a quick synopsis.

It was a Mystery of the Week show.

It all took place in a sleepy little town called Cabot Cove, Maine.

And sleepy is really the only adjective you can use to describe a town with that much murder going on.

They were just not paying attention at all.

Like, I looked it up.

Cabot Cove had a population of 3,500 people.

And approximately one person a week was murdered.

That show went on for 12 seasons.

So 264 out of 3,500 people were murdered in Cabot Cove, Maine.

And I don't know why we don't talk about this more.

Cabot Cove, Maine is the most dangerous city in all of America.

And the kicker of it is the police department did not solve a single one of those crimes.

They went 0 for 264.

A 70-year-old retired author was the only one keeping that town together.

She was the only one.

The only one.

So that, I think, started my fascination with crime.

And then during COVID, I started watching a lot of crime documentaries on Netflix.

And I don't know how many other people went down that rabbit hole.

But I went in a little too hard too fast.

And I messed up my whole Netflix algorithm.

It got to the point I started getting targeted ads on my phone from Lowe's and Home Depot.

Just asking if I need rope or duct tape.

And they would bring that to my house.

I didn't even have to leave.

Google Maps, just from Salt Lake City here to Provo, Google Maps showed me five different places where I could dispose of a body.

You know?

And I put a pin in those.

I don't know.

I don't know what's going to happen here tonight.

This could go downhill at any moment.

I don't know.