[To the tune of Santa Clause Is Coming to Town] He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls

The Angry Video Game Nerd is here

Oh, he's making a list and checking it twice

He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice

The Angry Video Game Nerd is here

He hates the games that stink

He knows which games to break

He just might even hate them all

'Cause he's mad for fuckin' sake

You better watch out, don't give these games a try

You better not play 'em, he's telling you why

The Angry Video Game Nerd is here

Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas fuckfest!

Now, two years ago, I played a bunch of Bible games.

Yeah. Now would you believe, there's actually more of them?

Like, who makes video games based off the Bible?

Why would you do that? These games suck ass!

If I was God, I'd be pissed.

First, let's check out Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land.

What the hell's this?

"To start the game, please wait up to nine flashes on TV screen"?

"Power on, please wait seven seconds between power off and power on"?

Wow. Quite a lot of instructions just to start the damn game.

You play as Moses. I guess on his journey to the promised land

he had to go through labyrinths and shooting W's at everything

and collect sacks with the letter M.

I don't know about this one. It's just a puzzle game. It's playable.

Basically, you have to collect a certain amount of items

in order for an exit to appear.

I'm not even sure exactly what the items are,

but it pretty much means that you have to uncover every square.

Oh, this is so redundant.

It's really one of those games where you need a turbo controller.

So, the exit appears, you take it,

and then you get a bunch of Bible questions,

like, "The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives to:"

"kill male babies, kill all babies"?

Kill all... babies?

I'm playing an NES game that says "Kill all babies"?!

And you know what? That's the wrong answer,

so that obviously means it's something they made up.

"Kill all babies"!

So, for every question you answer correctly you get, what else, a Bible,

and then you get a violent picture of somebody being whipped,

and then it's on to the next level.

Oh, this is so monotonous.

Obviously I'm going all the way in the middle.

Oh, no. Now I gotta go all the way back.

Oh, fucking hell. This is ridiculous!

So then I get back out, I finish up all the crap I gotta do.

Oh, so I guess it's the question marks I gotta get.

And then what? Where's the exit?

Oh, it's back over there?

Oh, my Lord.

I've had enough with this shit.

All right, next up, let's try... Noah's Ark? Haven't we played this already?

Remember in Bible Adventures there were three games,

one of which was Noah's Ark,

that stupid shit where you're picking up stacks of animals?

Then of course there's the infamous Super Noah's Ark 3D,

the only unlicensed Super NES game,

which happens to be a clone of Wolfenstein,

where you're going around shooting goats.

So now we have yet another game based off of Noah's Ark.

But there's something very different about this one. What's that?

It was actually licensed by Nintendo. Who made this?

[Title theme from "Contra" plays]

Okay, now I'm really curious.

Okay. Who would've thought this would actually be decent?

Well, it was only released in Europe, which means it's in the PAL format,

and it can't be played on any North American NES,

unless you have the toploader. That plays anything.

The game's not bad, but it's fucking weird.

Why are there native Americans in Noah's time,

and why does he turn into a fish?

If he and all the animals could turn into fish,

they wouldn't even need the fucking ark!

Also, it's generally a pain in the ass,

because enemies can drain half your life bar with one hit.

Even the tiniest things such as bees, which take almost all your life.

And there's lots of things you can't even touch at all, or you die instantly.

This makes it almost pointless to even have a life bar.

Also, there's hidden bonus stages,

but if you find one of them, it doesn't bring you back.

So, rather than returning you to the game where you left off,

it puts you back at the beginning of the stage, which is fucking bullshit!

But overall, I would at least go as far to call it a game.

All right, what's next? Oh, Joshua. This one looks fun, right?

Oh, no. Doesn't this look familiar? It's the same thing as Exodus.

Well, that scratches that off the list.

What's the point of discussing the same game twice?

The only difference is that you're Joshua, I assume,

and that there's a voice.

[digitized voice] Be courageous, Joshua!

But what's even stranger, this game is a copy of a game,

which is a copy of another game: Crystal Mines.

Damn! Well, here's a little history lesson.

Color Dreams was the company making all these unlicensed games for the NES,

like Captain Comic, Secret Scout, and Raid 2020;

maybe I'll review that in the year 2020.

Anyway, Color Dreams for whatever reason

decided they wanted to start doing Bible games,

now under the name Wisdom Tree.

Essentially, they were recycling some of their old Color Dreams games

and adding Christian themes.

For example, here we have Menace Beach,

which was turned into Sunday Funday. Let's check it out.

So this is Menace Beach.

Basically, you're some kid on a skateboard trying to rescue some girl.

It's plagued by godawful control, a pathetic attack range,

and the most annoying level design I've ever seen.

But the most interesting thing about this game is that between each level,

you see your girlfriend begging you to rescue her,

and each time, her clothes gradually disappear.

The first time playing this, I didn't even realize what was happening.

She says [high voice] "I've been here so long, my clothes are starting to rot!"

Seriously, that's the only explanation.

I think she would die of starvation before her clothes would rot.

But the funny thing

is that it's a strangely effective way to get you to play the game,

because, just for curiosity's sake, it makes you wonder:

how much of her clothes are going to come off?

It's like, hey, we got this horrible shitty game,

but there's a girl taking her clothes off, so you gotta keep playing.

How did this turn into a Bible game?

Well, let's find out. Here comes Sunday Funday.

It might interest you to know,

this is actually the last game ever made for the NES,

and it was as late as 1995.

Oh, no, no, no! There's THREE games!

Oh boy. Let's try them all. Here's Fish Fall.

Okay, you're a hand trying to grab falling fish

and throw them up into a floating basket.

What does this have to do with the Bible?

What does catching parachuting fish and throwing them up at an electric eel,

UP, at an electric eel, have to do with the Bible?

Oh, okay. It's got some Bible verses thrown in. Now it makes perfect sense.

Okay, let's try 4Him.

What? It's karaoke?

Oh, please.

Now that I've wasted my time with all that, let's play Sunday Funday.

Well, it's identical to Menace Beach.

Just look at the title screens. It's the same exact game.

Now, there are a few minor differences, but we'll get to them as we go.

Instead of trying to rescue your girl,

you're not even going to believe this when I tell you,

you're trying to get to Sunday school.

Yeah. Now, as much as that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard for a game,

what I don't understand is why that's so difficult.

Who are these raging atheists that don't want you to go to church?

It's bad enough that the entire town's trying to stop you,

but what's with the flying clowns,

the old ladies coming out of boxes,

and animals coming out of sewer holes?

What's this guy's problem? Like, why does everyone want him dead?

I'd say he's having quite a day, and the funny thing is,

he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it, like,

"Oh, what'd you do on this Sunday morning before church?"

"Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown,

and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers,

I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and shit,

then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's fucking face off."

Yeah, look at the face.

Oooh, God, that's so violent.

Now, instead of the stripping chick,

you get this annoying bitch who does nothing but nag you.

"Get your ass to Sunday school!"

The only other thing I've noticed that's been changed are some of the enemies.

Ninjas are now kids, and these Elvis-looking guys are now plumbers.

Maybe ninjas were too violent,

and Elvis's devilish rock 'n' roll was too much for a religious game.

But, everything else fits perfectly fine.

Why does a bird come out every time you kill someone,

and why do they turn from white to black?

Kinda like a reverse Michael Jackson.

Your attack is so pathetic.

It seems you have to keep skating past people while tapping the button,

and I never figured out the right timing.

It's just luck whether you hit them or not.

What are you supposed to be doing, anyway? Just spinning around?

Look at this, I'm still trying to hit this guy.

Finally. Oh, fuck.

Another real piss-off is that it keeps going dark.

Seems like I'm running into that problem a lot with games lately.

It's so annoying.

You have to keep hitting the switches to keep the room bright.

Oh, come on, get the damn switch.

Oh, what the fuck. Oh, man.

I really hate those springs.

All I'm trying to do is go down and to the right, but I can't make it.

Awww!

Aw, shit.

Awwww, God!

When you don't want the springs to bounce you around, they do.

And when you want them to, they don't!

What the fuck. Why didn't it bounce me?

There's also these squares that make you fall through the pipes.

I don't know what that's about.

Some enemies you can only kill with bombs,

and trying to get them to stand near a bomb is ridiculously hard.

Come on. Of course he's not gonna come near it.

Okay, there, perfect. He's laughing, he's got two bombs ready to blow,

and he walks away.

Okay, there's another one—of course, he goes right past it.

Oh, there he goes—fuck.

Okay, look at this: this is nice.

I'm stuck, I need a balloon to fly over the hole,

but I need to go back to get the balloon. Too bad I can't jump high enough.

So, it's time to commit suicide.

Here's the problem: this little ledge shouldn't be here.

It's pointless because, once you're there, you're stuck.

Oh, fuck, get me away from the bombs, I hate those fucking springs! GAH!

Oh! Got lucky there.

I hate those fucking things, they're the worst.

Damn!

Oh, this game is so annoying.

Look at this. I got trapped in some sort of pipe. There's no way down.

What I'm trying to do is get on the floor and go under it,

but there's a fucking spring that comes up.

Then there's that damn switch making it go dark.

I get bounced all over the place.

Man! Just get down there!

Oh! Ugh! UGH! Fuck!

I'm surprised. This game is actually really hard.

It's one of the hardest I've ever played.