Everyone who watched felt at ease and thought, the world is now a safer place.

每個觀看的人都感到安心，並認為世界現在變得更加安全了。

Here now is a replay of their historic press conference.

下面是他們歷史性新聞發佈會的重播。

Yes, hello, hello, everyone, it is I, President and CEO of Gaza Hotel and Casino, Donald Trump.

是的，大家好，大家好，我是加沙酒店賭場的總裁兼首席執行官唐納德-特朗普。

And I'd like to welcome President Zelensky here to this incredible trap.

我歡迎澤倫斯基總統來到這個令人難以置信的陷阱。

It's going to be a big, beautiful trap, and we're going to attack him very soon for no reason, right, J.D.?

這將是一個美麗的大陷阱 我們很快就會無緣無故地攻擊他，對嗎，J. D？

Watch out, because this kitty's got claws.

小心，因為這隻貓咪有爪子。

Very butch.

非常男性化

And Marco Rubio's here, too.

馬可-盧比奧也來了

Little Marco.

小馬可

Little Marco, are you excited to attack our European ally?

小馬可，你很想攻擊我們的歐洲盟友嗎？

Um, knowingless.

嗯，無知。

De nada.

De nada.

Before we get started, I'd like to thank President Zelensky for dressing like casual Star Trek.

在我們開始之前，我要感謝澤倫斯基總統把自己打扮成休閒的 "星際迷航"。

We love Star Trek because there's no D-E-I.

我們喜歡《星際迷航》，因為它沒有 "D-E-I"。

The white guy was the leader, and he bossed around Spock, who I believe was Guatemalan.

那個白人是頭兒，他對斯波克頤指氣使，我相信斯波克是瓜地馬拉人。

We love that.

我們喜歡這樣。

President Zelensky, you want to say a few words?

澤倫斯基總統，你想說幾句話嗎？

Maybe tell Mr. Putin how much you love him and that you're sorry you invaded Russia?

或許可以告訴普京先生你有多愛他，併為入侵俄羅斯而感到抱歉？

Maybe offer him one night with your wife?

也許可以讓他和你妻子共度一晚？

Mr. President, with all due respect, I...

主席先生，恕我直言，我...

Excuse me?

你說什麼？

I'm sorry, what?

對不起，什麼？

I'm sorry, I have to jump in here because that's how we plan this.

對不起，我必須插一句，因為我們就是這麼計劃的。

What happened to thank you, okay?

怎麼不說謝謝了？

Remember thank you?

還記得 "謝謝 "嗎？

You haven't said thank you to us once in the past 15 seconds I've been yelling at you.

在我對你大喊大叫的 15 秒鐘裡，你一次也沒對我們說過謝謝。

I've said thank you.

我已經說了謝謝。

You didn't say it now.

你現在沒說。

But you didn't say it now when you walked in here.

但你進來的時候可沒這麼說。

You didn't say thank you.

你沒說謝謝

You didn't say anything about us being handsome.

你可沒說我們長得帥。

We're my handsome little boys.

我們是我英俊的小男孩

You didn't ask us that once.

你一次都沒問過我們

Look he's right, and we're very handsome, okay?

聽著，他是對的，我們都很帥，好嗎？

Our ties are matching, and they're growing, frankly, by the minute.

我們的聯繫是相輔相成的，而且坦率地說，這種聯繫每分鐘都在增加。

We don't even have the dust in here anymore.

這裡連灰塵都沒有了。

The ties sweep away the dust.

領帶掃去灰塵。

And yet you don't compliment the ties.

但你卻不稱讚領帶。

You don't say thank you.

你不說謝謝。

You don't tell us how hot we look, okay?

別跟我說我們有多性感，好嗎？

You don't say if I was gay I'd be all over you too, okay?

你別說如果我是同志，我也會纏著你，好嗎？

And we're supposed to help you?

我們應該幫你嗎？

But if I could just say...

但如果我能說

You have been talking this entire time!

你一直都在說話！

I'm sorry, does the sign outside say Ukraine House?

對不起，外面的牌子上寫的是 "烏克蘭之家 "嗎？

No, it says America House.

不，上面寫的是美國之家。

Oh, oh man, look at Rubio over there, fully dissociating.

哦，哦，天哪，看看那邊的盧比奧，完全分心了。

It looks like Homer Simpson disappearing into that hedge.

看起來就像荷馬-辛普森消失在樹籬裡。

To quote the late, good Tom Petty, he's free-falling.

引用已故的湯姆-佩蒂（Tom Petty）的名言，他正在自由落體。

I'm sorry if I...

對不起，如果我...

You know, you say you want to end this war, but frankly, you don't have the cards, okay?

你知道，你說你想結束這場戰爭，但坦率地說，你沒有牌，好嗎？

I have the cards, all right?

我有卡片，好嗎？

I have skip.

我有跳過。

I have draw four.

我畫了四幅。

I have reverse.

我有倒車鏡。

I have get out of jail free.

我可以免費出獄。

The Supreme Court gave me that one.

最高法院給了我這個機會。

I have Pikachu and Charmander and Charizard.

我有皮卡丘、夏曼德和查理茲。

All I'm missing is a Charmeleon.

我只缺一隻夏米龍。

But without us, you don't have any of the cards, okay?

但沒有我們，你就沒有任何底牌，好嗎？

You got no cards.

你沒有牌

You're playing poker, and Putin's playing Magic the Gathering, and the Russians have been treated very badly with respect to the war, and also, frankly, Onora, right?

你在玩撲克牌，而普京在玩 "魔力寶貝"，俄羅斯人在戰爭中受到了非常惡劣的對待，坦白地說，還有奧諾拉，對嗎？

Onora was misled, and she fell in love, and now she might even lose to Brutalist.

奧諾拉被誤導了，她墜入了愛河，現在她甚至可能輸給布魯托。

It's disgusting.

太噁心了

You know, maybe you should come visit Ukraine.

你知道，也許你應該來烏克蘭看看。

Hey!

嘿！

Don't you even dare.

你敢嗎？

I have been to Ukraine on Google Maps.

我曾在谷歌地圖上去過烏克蘭。

It's a mess.

真是一團糟。

You think you're getting any money from us after your little outburst today?

你以為你今天發飆之後，還能從我們這裡拿到錢嗎？

To quote my personal hero, Willy Wonka, you broke the rules!

引用我的個人英雄威利-旺卡的話說，你破壞了規則！

You get nothing!

你什麼也得不到！

You lose!

你輸了

Good day, sir!

再見，先生

And you know what, you're also, you're not even wearing a suit.

你知道嗎，你也沒穿西裝。

It's disrespectful.

這是不尊重人。

Who shows up to the White House in a t-shirt and jeans like a garbage person?

誰會像垃圾一樣穿著T恤和牛仔褲出現在白宮？

Hey, guys, hi, guys.

嗨，夥計們，嗨，夥計們

Elon, we love your outfit.

埃隆，我們喜歡你的打扮。

Very official and respectful, and I love when he gets that chainsaw right next to my head.

他很正式，也很尊重我，我喜歡他把電鋸放在我腦袋旁邊。

Thanks.

謝謝。

Donald, what are you doing in my office?

唐納德，你在我辦公室幹什麼？

You know I'm the president now, right?

你知道我現在是總統了吧？

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

我開玩笑的，我開玩笑的。

Maybe not.

也許不是。

Maybe not.

也許不是。

Awesome, awesome, awesome.

棒極了，棒極了，棒極了。

You've got to make a joke, you know, you've got to make a really good joke.

你得開個玩笑，你知道，你得開個非常好的玩笑。

Legalize comedy!

讓喜劇合法化

Legalize comedy!

讓喜劇合法化

Come on!

來吧

Legalize it!

合法化！

I'm so comfortable with all of that.

我對這一切都很適應。

I really enjoy everything you're doing with Doge, Elon.

我非常喜歡你為 Doge 所做的一切，埃隆。

Well, they're saying I'm firing people with no cause, but I do have cause.

他們說我無緣無故解僱員工，其實我是有原因的。

It's cause I feel like it.

這是因為我喜歡。

Come on!

來吧

Glitch.

故障。

Better.

更好。

Better.

更好。

They're doing mass firings in the government.

他們正在大規模解僱政府人員。

We love mass firings because you don't have to know what any of their names are or what exactly they do.

我們喜歡大規模解僱，因為你不需要知道他們的名字，也不需要知道他們到底是做什麼的。

Well, I mean, we're not going to get it perfect, you know, but we are firing the non-essential employees like air traffic controllers.

好吧，我是說，我們不可能做到完美，你知道，但我們正在解僱非必要的員工，比如空中交通管制員。

Yes.

是的。

Yes, and sure, some of the planes are going to land upside down, but then the luggage falls right into your lap and you're ready to go.

是的，當然，有些飛機會倒著降落，但行李會正好落在你的腿上，然後你就可以出發了。

It's efficient.

效率很高。

And Elon's got this incredible team of professionals like a 19-year-old who's known as Big Balls.

埃隆擁有一支不可思議的專業團隊，其中有一個19歲的年輕人，人稱 "大球"。

Big Balls.

大球

Big Balls.

大球

Yo!

喲

Reporting for Dookie, sir!

向杜基報告，長官

And, uh, Big Balls, you've been doing some awesome Doge stuff, right, Big Balls?

還有，呃，大球，你一直在做一些很棒的都督的事情，對吧，大球？

Oh, for sure.

哦，當然。

This week I fired a black general and a woman admiral.

本週，我解僱了一名黑人將軍和一名女將軍。

It was awesome!

真是太棒了！

It's so awesome.

太棒了

It's awesome.

太棒了

It's awesome.

太棒了

And in addition to Doge, we've started another initiative called the Department of Undoing Child Health Care and Education, or DOOSH.

除了 "Doge "之外，我們還啟動了另一項名為 "兒童保健和教育解救部"（Department of Undoing Child Health Care and Education，簡稱 DOOSH）的計劃。

DOOSH is going to be epic.

DOOSH 將成為史詩。

DOOSH is going to really clean everything out.

DOOSH 會把所有東西都清理乾淨。

Comedy's back!

喜劇回來了

Comedy's back!

喜劇回來了

Come on!

來吧

Come on!

來吧

Yeah.

是啊

Well, uh, I think that concludes a pretty much perfect press conference.

好了，我想這是一個非常完美的新聞發佈會。

We humiliated this guy, and J.D. finally got to audition for Real Housewives of Potomac.

我們羞辱了這傢伙，J.D. 終於有機會參加《波托馬克的真實主婦》的試鏡了。

I'm willing to throw a wine glass at anyone.

我願意向任何人扔酒杯。

And to cap off an amazing week, we're going to finally release the Epstein files.

為了給這精彩的一週畫上句號 我們終於要公佈愛潑斯坦的檔案了

Yes, America is going to see all the names from A to S.

是的，美國將看到從 A 到 S 的所有名字。

No T!

沒有 T！

So, Zelinsky, you want to say it with me?

那麼，澤林斯基，你想和我一起說嗎？

I guess I have to.

我想我必須這麼做。

And I'm from New York!

我來自紐約！

It's Saturday Night!

今天是週六晚