I love going to the beach here, but I can never go to the beach naked, you know.

我喜歡去這裡的海灘，但我不能光著身子去海灘，你知道的。

Ladies, don't get me wrong, I'm in shape.

女士們，別誤會，我身材很好。

But I'm just a small dude with long hair.

但我只是一個留著長髮的小個子。

So from the back,

從後面看

I look like a really hot Asian chick.

我看起來就像一個非常性感的亞洲小妞。

And from the front, I look like a really hot Asian chick.

從正面看，我就像一個非常性感的亞洲小妞。

It's messed up.

真是一團糟。

It's messed up.

真是一團糟。

I always try to be like the manly, manly man, but it always comes out wrong, you know.

我總是想表現得像個男子漢，但總是出錯，你知道的。

Like the other day, I was sexting this girl, right, you know.

就像前幾天，我給一個女孩發短信，對吧，你知道的。

You guys do all that sexting stuff?

你們會發那些短訊嗎？

I'm the only pervert here?

我是這裡唯一的變態？

So I was texting these like sexy pictures to this girl, right, and I was a little drunk, so I took off my shirt, I snapped this picture.

我把這些性感的照片發短信給這個女孩 我有點醉了 就脫了衣服 拍了這張照片

I thought I looked sexy as hell.

我覺得我看起來性感極了。

I thought I looked like a beast, you know.

我覺得我看起來像頭野獸，你知道的。

But in reality, when I'm naked, I look gay as hell.

但實際上，當我赤身裸體時，我看起來像個同志。

But I didn't know because I was drunk, so I took this picture, and I sent it to her in a caption.

但我不知道，因為我喝醉了，所以我拍了這張照片，並用標題發給了她。

I wrote, my phone's about to die, but before it does, dot, dot, dot, smiley face.

我寫道，我的手機快沒電了，但在那之前，點點，點點，點點，笑臉。

That was smooth, right?

很順利吧？

But here's the problem.

但問題就在這裡。

When I press send on my smartphone, under messages, it's Facebook.

當我在智能手機上按下發送鍵時，資訊下方是 Facebook。

I woke up the next morning, 35 notifications.

第二天早上醒來，我收到了 35 份通知。

It's all my homeboys making fun of me.

都是我的同鄉在取笑我。

Not a single female commented on that.

沒有一位女性對此發表評論。

And my favorite comment was my friend Eric.

我最喜歡的評論是我的朋友埃裡克。

He just wrote, man, that is one hot Asian chick.

他寫道："夥計，這真是個性感的亞洲小妞。

Love it here, love it.

喜歡這裡，喜歡這裡。

I live with a roommate, and I hate him very much.

我和一個室友住在一起，我非常討厭他。

The only reason why I live with him is because he got a Costco card.

我和他住在一起的唯一原因是他有一張 Costco 卡。

You know what I'm saying?

你知道我在說什麼嗎？

He comes home, he eats all of my food, you know, messes my stuff up.

他一回家就吃光我的東西，把我的東西弄得亂七八糟。

To get back at him, I got this prank, right?

為了報復他，我搞了這個惡作劇，對嗎？

Whenever he forgets to lock up his computer,

每當他忘記鎖電腦時、

I change his wallpaper, something really messed up.

我換了他的壁紙，有些東西真的被弄亂了。

Like a 400-pound chick licking her own boob or something.

就像一個 400 磅的小妞在舔自己的咪咪什麼的。

Don't judge me.

不要評判我。

It's awesome.

太棒了

But call it karma, right?

但這就是因果報應吧？

I went back home last week, my brother did the exact same thing to me, but he took it to, like, a whole nother level.

我上週回家時，我弟弟也對我做了同樣的事，但他更上一層樓。

He changed my wallpaper to some really gay Asian person doing this.

他把我的壁紙換成了一個亞洲同志人在做這個。

And just my luck, my dad walked in.

幸運的是，我爸爸走了進來。

Before I could even explain to him this, what he said, he's like, Jimmy, why is there a picture of Ineka on the computer?

我還沒來得及向他解釋，他就說，吉米，為什麼電腦上有伊內卡的照片？

Come on, man.

來吧，夥計。

My dad is actually, like, a really nice guy, but he comes off wrong all the time because he's too honest, you know?

我爸爸其實是個很好的人，但他總是出錯，因為他太誠實了，你知道嗎？

Like, you guys know those people who are just too honest.

就像你們認識的那些人，他們就是太誠實了。

Like, before every one of my high school basketball games, he gave me, like, this pep talk, but it always came out wrong because it was just way too honest.

比如，在我高中的每場籃球比賽前，他都會給我講一些鼓舞人心的話，但每次都講得不對，因為他講得太真誠了。

He's like, Jimmy, you're gonna play well tonight, okay?

他說，吉米，你今晚要好好打，知道嗎？

Even though you only 5'5", you're slow as hell, and you're the weakest guy on your team.

雖然你只有 5 英尺 5 英寸，但你慢得要命，而且你是隊裡最弱的人。

I believe in you.

我相信你

Now, Jimmy, shoot the ball with confidence, but don't shoot that much because your shot is horrible.

現在，吉米，自信地投籃，但不要投那麼多，因為你的投籃太糟糕了。

Now pass to that black kid. He's a lot better than you.

現在傳給那個黑小子他比你強多了

Come on, man.

來吧，夥計。

I love black people. I love black people.

我愛黑人我愛黑人

Black people are great, especially black men.

黑人是偉大的，尤其是黑人男性。

I'm actually kind of jealous of black men because you guys are just so smooth, right?

實際上，我有點嫉妒黑人男人，因為你們實在是太圓滑了，對吧？

Like, you're able to go up to any girl and just holler at a bitch.

比如，你可以走到任何一個女孩面前，對著一個婊子大吼大叫。

Right?

對不對？

Like, you see brothers just walking around the mall, spontaneously go up to any girl they want and be like, what's up, ma? Let me holler at you, girl.

就像，你會看到兄弟們在商場裡走來走去，自發地走到任何他們想要的女孩面前，然後說："怎麼了，媽媽？ 讓我對你大喊大叫吧，女孩。

What's up, ma? Let me get that number. What's up, girl?

怎麼了，媽媽？怎麼了，姑娘？

What's up?

怎麼了？

I can't do that.

我做不到

Can you imagine, like, a really Asian person trying to pull that off?

你能想象，一個真正的亞洲人想要做到這一點嗎？

Right? Like...

對不對？就像...

Hey.

嘿。

Let me holler at you.

讓我對你吼一嗓子

Hey, where you going? Let me holler at you.

嘿，你去哪兒？讓我喊你一聲

Come back. Come back. I threw your nails for you.

回來回來我幫你扔了指甲

You guys are mad racist for laughing at that, man.

你們這幫人真是瘋了，竟然笑得出來。

Don't say that, man.

別這麼說

Love you guys.

愛你們

I got to say, though, I'm actually really proud to be Asian because you never see an Asian person on a Maury Povich show, right?

不過我得說，作為亞洲人我真的很自豪，因為你從來沒有在莫里-波維奇的節目中看到過亞洲人，對吧？

Like, you never see this.

就像你從未見過這個一樣。

Like, some dude walking down that steps of shame and be like, hey, Maury.

就像，有些人走下臺階的恥辱 而像，哎，莫里。

Hey, Maury.

嘿，莫里。

Look, Maury, look.

看，莫里，看

I got small eye, he got big eye.

我眼睛小，他眼睛大。

That not my baby, Maury.

那不是我的孩子，莫里

Never gonna see that, man.

永遠也看不到了

It's crazy.

太瘋狂了

It's crazy.

太瘋狂了

I'm broke. I'm broke just like everybody else.

我破產了我和其他人一樣破產了

I'm too broke to even go grocery shopping, you know?

我窮得連去買菜的錢都沒有了，你知道嗎？

Like, chicken these days.

比如，這些天的雞肉。

Y'all got these, like, free-range chicken for, like, $10 a pound.

你們這些土雞，大概10美元一磅。

Look, I mean, I'm all for, like, animal rights, but I live in a tiny one-bedroom with a roommate.

聽著，我是說，我很支持動物權利 但我和室友住在一間狹小的臥室裡

I don't even feel free-range, okay?

我都不覺得自己是放養的，好嗎？

I don't need to eat something that lived better than I did.

我不需要吃比我活得更好的東西。

That's all I'm saying.

我就說這麼多。

And now at the grocery stores, the real nice cashier lady, she's forcing you to donate money now.

現在在雜貨店裡，好心的收銀員阿姨會強迫你捐錢。

You guys realize that?

你們知道嗎？

When you checking out, right, this lady in a real sweet voice, she's like, um, sir, today would you also like to donate a dollar to the Safe Children Foundation?

當你結賬的時候，這位女士用非常甜美的聲音說，嗯，先生，今天你是否也想為安全兒童基金會捐獻一美元？

Look, all I got is four packs of ramen noodles, okay?

聽著，我只有四包拉麵，好嗎？

Somebody should give me a dollar.

應該有人給我一塊錢。

Why don't you donate me some of that free-range chicken?

你為什麼不捐給我一些土雞呢？

I just wanted to do that.

我就是想這麼做。

You guys like beer, right?

你們喜歡啤酒，對吧？

Like, one of my, yeah, hell yeah.

就像，我的一個，是的，地獄是的。

Mexican guy in the front row, appreciate that.

前排的墨西哥人，謝謝。

I love drinking beer, man.

我喜歡喝啤酒

My favorite commercial is the Dos Equis

我最喜歡的廣告是 Dos Equis

Most Interesting Man in the World commercial.

世界上最有趣的人 "廣告。

Yes, yes.

是的，是的。

Great commercial, right? Great commercial. I love it.

很棒的廣告，對吧？很棒的廣告我喜歡

I wrote my own version of it.

我寫了自己的版本。

It's called The Most Asian Man in the World.

它的名字叫《世界上最亞洲的男人》。

And this is how it goes.

事情就是這樣發展的。

So my music's gonna start playing in the background.

我的音樂會在背景音樂中響起

The announcer's gonna be like, his breath smells like egg drop soup.

播音員會說 他的口氣聞起來像蛋花湯

He lives vicariously through his Final Fantasy character.

他通過他的 "最終幻想 "角色體驗生活。

Whenever he takes a picture, he throws up the victory sign.

每當他拍照時，都會豎起勝利的手勢。

He is the most Asian man in the world.

他是世界上亞洲人數最多的人。

I don't always drink beer.

我並不總是喝啤酒。

But when I do, my face turn red.

但當我這樣做時，我的臉就會變得通紅。

Stay thirsty, my friend.

保持口渴，我的朋友。

Thank you, that's my time. Jimmy O. Yang. You guys have been great, man.

謝謝，我的時間到了吉米-歐-楊你們都很棒