My name is Oliver Chan.

我叫奧利弗-陳。

And I know some of you are like,

我知道你們中有些人會說：

Oliver, is that your real name?

奧利弗，這是你的真名嗎？

No.

不

I picked that name myself because growing up I loved cultural appropriation.

這個名字是我自己取的，因為我從小就喜歡文化挪用。

When you are a kid, you can be whatever you want.

當你還是個孩子時，你可以隨心所欲。

So I became a white man.

於是，我成了一個白人。

I grew up in Hong Kong and during second grade I had this British lady, Miss Rita, as one of my English teachers.

我在香港長大，二年級時有一位英國女士麗塔小姐擔任我的英語老師。

And on the first day of class she tried to take attendance but she had trouble saying our Chinese names.

第一天上課的時候，她想點名，但叫不出我們的中文名字。

So in the end Miss Rita told everyone, everyone should get a Western English name because it will be good for you in the future when you do business internationally.

是以，麗塔小姐最後告訴大家，每個人都應該取一個西方的英文名字，因為這對你們將來在國際上做生意有好處。

As a second grader, conducting international business was all I could dream of.

作為一名二年級學生，開展國際業務是我夢寐以求的事情。

Because I knew it was either that or the Apple factory.

因為我知道，要麼去那裡，要麼去蘋果工廠。

As a second grader,

作為一名二年級學生、

I would much rather work with white people to exploit other Chinese.

我更願意與白人合作，剝削其他華人。

So eventually I picked the name Oliver because I used to love soccer.

所以，最終我選擇了奧利弗這個名字，因為我以前很喜歡足球。

I used to idolize this German goalkeeper named Oliver Kahn.

我曾經非常崇拜一位名叫奧利弗-卡恩的德國門將。

I was like, one day I'm going to be just like him, part of the master race.

我當時想，總有一天，我也會像他一樣，成為大師賽的一員。

When I was in college, I had to take a social studies class.

上大學時，我必須上一門社會研究課。

And one of the things they taught us was being a straight white male is a privilege.

他們教給我們的其中一件事就是，作為一個異性戀白人男性是一種特權。

And I used to believe in that narrative because why should we judge people by their actions when we can simply judge them by their race, gender, and if they suck dicks.

我曾經相信這種說法，因為既然我們可以簡單地通過種族、性別和是否舔雞巴來判斷一個人，為什麼還要通過他們的行為來判斷呢？

I used to be very liberal.

我曾經非常自由。

I used to be very liberal because after moving to the US,

我曾經非常自由，因為搬到美國之後、

I grew up and went to college in Boston, Massachusetts, a state more blue than my teenage balls.

我在馬薩諸塞州波士頓長大並上大學，這個州比我十幾歲時的蛋蛋還要藍。

I was surrounded by very progressive people.

我周圍都是非常進步的人。

Even when I brought girls back to my dorm, we would just CNN and chill.

即使我把女生帶回宿舍，我們也只是在網上聊天和哈拉。

They used to show me systemic racism as foreplay, which is not good because now when I hear about police brutality,

他們曾經把系統性種族主義作為前戲給我看，這並不好，因為現在當我聽到警察施暴時、

I'll get a boner.

我會勃起的

Speaking of boners,

說到勃起

I was at a dog park yesterday.

我昨天去了一個狗公園。

That's not the joke.

這不是笑話。

I was at a dog park yesterday and I saw this giant pit bull with a tiny boner trying to hump another dog.

昨天我在一個狗公園裡，看到一隻巨大的鬥牛犬勃起著小弟弟，正試圖駝另一隻狗。

The owner separated them, but a minute later the pit bull started mounting another dog.

主人將它們分開，但一分鐘後，鬥牛犬又開始撲向另一隻狗。

And I was thinking how crazy it is that dogs can just do that in public.

我在想，狗能在公共場合這樣做，真是太瘋狂了。

Can you imagine if a man tries to do that in public?

你能想象一個男人在公共場合這樣做嗎？

We will immediately arrest him and call him a dog f***er.

我們將立即逮捕他，並稱他為狗****者。

English is not my first language.

英語不是我的母語。

And because I have lived in Boston most of my life,

因為我在波士頓生活了大半輩子、

I always thought the word patriarchy has something to do with the New England Patriots.

我一直認為父權制這個詞與新英格蘭愛國者隊有關。

Many years ago, the first time someone asked me, what do you think about the patriarchy?

多年前，第一次有人問我：你對父權制有什麼看法？

I was like, I'm a huge fan.

我當時想，我是你的超級粉絲。

I love how dominant they have been.

我喜歡他們的統治力。

Apparently that's the wrong answer.

顯然，這個答案是錯誤的。

Because immediately she was like, but patriarchy is oppression.

因為她馬上就想，父權制就是壓迫。

Patriarchy is evil.

父權制是邪惡的。

And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

我當時就想，哇，哇，哇。

What did Tom Brady do?

湯姆-布雷迪做了什麼？

I thought she was a Patriots fan.

我以為她是愛國者隊的球迷。

I thought she had blue hair because that's the team color.

我以為她的頭髮是藍色的，因為那是球隊的顏色。

But no, later people told me she had blue hair because she is a feminist.

但是沒有，後來人們告訴我，她的頭髮是藍色的，因為她是一個女權主義者。

And if you don't know how hair color is connected to gender equality, neither do I.

如果你不知道髮色與性別平等有什麼關係，我也不知道。

And that's my time.

這就是我的時間。

I'm Oliver Chan.

我是奧利弗-陳。

Thank you very much.

非常感謝。