I'm not actually Riley Murdoch.

I'm someone else.

And they're deep faking me to look like Ned Flanders.

Apple prognosticator, Mark Gurmanis, who wanders the Gurmuk Plains, talked of Apple's plans to make an iPhone with no ports in his newsletter this week, saying the tech giant didn't do that for the upcoming iPhone 17 Air for fear of repercussions from the EU, who traumatized the company by making them switch from their proprietary lightning connector to USB-C, the connector for poor people.

Well, 9to5Mac took the liberty of asking the EU about this directly, who said, yeah, actually, that would be fine.

They probably said it with a European accent, though. iPhone with no ports?

Only MagSafe charging?

Very cool.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

The idea isn't that crazy.

Mac world writer, David Price, says he's had the iPhone 16 Plus for six months and he's never used his iPhone's USB-C port.

And I'd love to ask him some questions.

But while the EU is chill about a portless iPhone, they are still very much not chill about Apple's walled garden approach.

The block just ordered Apple to make notifications, background execution, and a number of other iOS features available for third-party devices like smartwatches to use.

These are changes that Apple has said would be bad for our products and our users.

Because sure, other operating systems support those things and their users seem fine, but what is it doing to their immortal souls?

Sin has befouled your heart.

The EU's order comes right after Pebble founder, Erik Migakovsky, unveiled two new Pebble OS-powered smartwatches from his new company, Core Devices.

They're called the Core Time 2 and the Core 2 Duo.

So named because as Erik told The Verge, it's like a Pebble 2, but it's made by Core Devices.

And then duo is for do over, which, okay, sure.

Anyway, Erik wrote a blog post about how iOS doesn't let third-party watches do a bunch of things, but maybe they will now in Europe anyway.

The EU also charged Google today with breaching the Digital Markets Act by preferencing its own products in Search and Google Play, prompting Google to blog about how changing anything would be hurting consumers and businesses.

You sure about that?

You sure about that?

You sure about...

This morning, Nvidia kicked off their GPU technology conference.

An event CEO, Jensen Huang, hyped up as the Super Bowl of AI, but with less fun commercials and more pleading for investors to stay hodling.

Team Green made the rumors of RTX Pro GPUs come true.

The flagship Blackwell RTX Pro 6000 GPU will use the same base chip as an RTX 5090, but with up to 96 gigabytes of VRAM or 24 gigs on laptop versions.

Jensen also unveiled what he called two personal AI supercomputers.

One is Project Digits, the mini PC first revealed at CES, but it's been renamed to DGX Spark.

And in addition to Nvidia's own design, OEMs like Asus, Dell, and HP will be selling their own versions powered by Nvidia's GB10 Superchip, a term investors probably love way more than APU.

The other personal supercomputer is the DGX Station, which fits the company's brand new Blackwell Ultra GB300 chip with 784 gigabytes of unified memory onto a standard desktop size motherboard.

It's like a mini version of the giant NVL 72 units with 72 Blackwell Ultra GPUs also unveiled by Nvidia alongside an updated roadmap promising Rubin GPUs in 2026 and Feynman GPUs in 2027.

The former of which will also pair with Vera, the company's first CPU with fully custom arm CPU cores.

It's a lot of AI stuff.

So thank goodness Nvidia took a second to announce the Accelerated Quantum Research Center, a supercomputer facility to hopefully help research on quantum computers give us something other than overhyped bullshit.

Shout out to Microsoft.

But Nvidia is definitely not slowing down on AI.

They just announced a consortium with Microsoft, BlackRock, and MGX to spend $100 billion on AI data centers with Jensen promising that we'll soon be able to see these huge server farms from space.

Also, anyone with a Sigma grind set can break social media algorithms with AI slop.

Yes, get that bag.

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Can you see the deep fake yet?

You know, like how like when I make certain movements, it's like a bit off.

I'll try to do the quick bits just like Riley.

After full unboxing videos of the Pixel 9a were posted earlier this week, Google officially revealed the phone in all its camera bump less glory.

It starts at 500 bucks for 128 gigs of storage and eight gigs of RAM.

And compared to the Pixel 8a, it's got a slightly larger and brighter 6.3 inch screen with seven years of included Android updates and IP68 dust and water resistance up from IP67.

Hey, sounds deece, deece nuts, because as they unveiled the 9a, they also delayed its launch to April to check on a component quality issue, which is weird because that has never caused Google to hesitate before.

It's a good sign that they're taking Pixel hardware more seriously though.

And also they're finally adding undo and redo buttons to their keyboard.

That's unrelated, but it's good.

Windows 11 has a couple updates on the way that are even cooler than the one that just deleted Copilot.

A recent insider build includes a new virtual keyboard for game controllers, which at the very least, should allow gamers with Windows handhelds to type stuff without taking their hands off the controls so they can keep working on giving it that nice sweat patina.

Another insider build feature adds a FAQ section to Windows 11's about this PC section, which appears to provide an explanation for why you're losing every Valorant match.

It's because your PC sucks and your team does too.

It's never you, we know that.

Chinese car manufacturer BYD claimed last week that its upcoming Super E platform will support electric vehicle charging at up to a thousand kilowatts, fully charging some vehicles in as little as five minutes.

That technology would leapfrog competitors whose chargers usually top out at around 350 kilowatts-ish.

Five minutes is really fast.

I mean, that's barely enough time to grab some pork skins from 7-Eleven and get back to your car before it explodes.

And Korean researchers have genetically engineered a strain of E. coli bacteria to produce plastics, which is sort of the opposite of what I thought we were trying to do.

Oh, but if I keep reading Riley's script, remember, I'm not him, I'll find out that the plastics are actually glucose-based polymers, which can be broken down by other also engineered bacteria.

Make it and degrade it.

Huh, that seems circular.

Why are we doing this again?

Look, I'm gonna head out and let the real Riley give you some more tech news on Friday.

Can we turn the deepfake off now?

Ooh, that felt weird.