LAUGHTER Like the only silver lining of COVID happening was that Vivid got cancelled.

LAUGHTER Now to unpack exactly why I hate Vivid so much, we've got a flashback to when I was 19.

My parents decide to go away on a vacation, which means I get the house to myself.

And because I'm all by myself and I'm alone and I have this whole house, I decide that I'm going to meet up with a boy.

But the thing is, I don't know any boys.

LAUGHTER So I download Tinder and I play a little game with myself.

I'm like, I will meet up with the first boy who messages me.

It's alright, I'm alive. 40 minutes later I'm in an apartment in the northern beaches of Sydney.

Again, don't worry, I'm alive.

And next to me is this guy called Alex.

Alex has a blonde man bun.

He also has sparkly blue eyes and he wears boat shoes, which I usually find obnoxious.

But he actually owns a boat.

Now I have a pretty nice time with him, so we meet up a few more times after.

Alex lives in the northern beaches of Sydney.

He has money.

Wow.

He cooks fancy food for me.

Bacon and eggs.

Wow.

He smokes weed. Wow.

And after a little bit more time, we're hanging out like semi-regularly.

Like, hanging out.

And after a little bit more time, we're official.

We become exclusive.

And because this is in the 2010s, we celebrate by becoming Facebook friends.

Now, I don't really understand why I hadn't seen Alex's Facebook profile before.

Like, he says he's bad with technology or something, but that doesn't matter now.

We're official.

So naturally, I stalk through all of his Facebook photos.

And in one of his pictures, he's with an Asian girl.

I assume it's an ex-girlfriend.

Then I click to the next picture.

And he's with another Asian girl.

And another.

And another.

But I overlook this, and I stay with him.

And then six months into our relationship, he gets tagged in a photo with another Asian girl.

His arm is around her at Vivid Sydney.

And...

And now Vivid to me is no longer the festival of lights.

Vivid is the festival of cheating.

The projections represent illusion, deceit, emptiness.

And projecting.

So I call up Alex.

I'm crying.

I'm angry.

I'm crangry.

And he's like, I can explain.

This girl's name is Jodie.

She's an international student who needs a visa.

And we're only pretending to be a couple.

And in exchange, she is giving me $20,000.

I'm like, $20,000?

You should ask for $50,000.

Also, just a little side note here.

This is how you know Asian women have made it.

Where once white guys bought Asian women, now Asian women are buying white guys.

Like, fuck Jodie, but also go Asian women.

You go buy those white boys.

So I tell Alex that I'm appalled and I'm angry and I'm upset.

But I'm going to stay with him and work through this with him.

Because I feel like we've got something special.

And then I get a phone call from her.

Stay away from him.

Do you understand?

Stay away.

Jodie goes through all of our messages together.

She deletes photos off his phone.

There is one point where I am emailing Alex just so we can figure out a time and place to meet up without her having to find out.

Jodie is not only a rich Asian.

She is a crazy rich Asian.

I also start to become suspicious of Alex.

Because he no longer wants to have sex with me.

And that's really weird for a 19 year old boy with a giant anime porn collection.

So I confront him and I'm like are you sleeping with her?

And after a little bit more prodding he says yes.

And then we break up.

Now there were so many thoughts that were running through my mind at this stage like I've just been cheated on.

Does this make me Beyonce?

But then there were other thoughts that ran through my mind like you're worthless and you're not enough.

Because if you were enough then he never would have gone behind your back and cheated on you and done all these things with Jodie.

And like these thoughts just keep circling around and I am crying uncontrollably in my own little private moment trying to stop myself.

Only to realise this entire time I've been sitting on that one seat of the train that faces all the other seats.

Now there's a lot that I take away from this story and there's a lot that I've learnt.

And one of the lessons is that sometimes the bright, shiny beautiful things in life can be covering up the bullshit.

So fuck Alex and also fuck Vivid Sydney.