Like the least amount of effort I can do just so that I can go to brunch with my friends in my active wear and say I went to the gym this morning.

So I'm on all the machines where you sit down because you can still be on Instagram at the same time.

So I'm there and I'm like trying to do stuff.

I'm pulling stuff.

Like I didn't know what the fuck I was doing.

And then I feel this presence behind me, right?

And there's like super jacked dude, like, you know, you know that guy at the gym with no neck?

Like, you know that guy?

Yeah, Popeye, you know him, right?

And he was so jacked and he came up behind me, right?

And then he just taps me on the shoulder like He's like, hey You're doing it wrong Because I was also pre-menstrual and I was ready for a fight, right?

Because I was gonna turn around to this guy and lecture him on the patriarchy, the Me Too movement, and how hard it is to be a woman in 2019.

Hashtag Me Too.

Like I was gonna go to town and I turn around and he was fucking massive.

But as I'm going up and I'm like looking at his biceps that are as big as my head and then I look into his eyes.

He had the most amazing eyes.

And I'm thinking like, yeah, I could lecture this guy on feminism, the patriarchy, Me Too movement, but I was horny.

So instead, I just looked up at him and said He was like, oh, and I was like, oh my god, we're gonna have great sex.

I could feel it.

I could feel it with Popeye.

Because that's all I want.

And now in my life, like that's all I want.

I just want great sex.

I want hot, passionate sex, right?

Because it's hard to find.

I just want, you know the kind of sex where you have to change the sheets the next day?

That kind of sex.

The kind of sex where you question whether or not your arsehole and vagina are now connected as one.

You know that sex?

You know the sex that you think about three days later in a work meeting and your pussy's like Just riding that moist wave at work all day.

Your boss is like, we've got a flow chart.

You're like, I've got one right here.

He's like, squitch, squitch, squitch, squitch all day.

I just want great sex.

And I was feeling it with Popeye.

I'm like, this is gonna be animalistic, like Neanderthal, Popeye.

This is gonna look great, right?

So then we go out for dinner that night and we're sitting there.

It was a paleo restaurant.

He orders poached chicken and poached broccoli, and I'm trying to eat all of the carbs.

And then he says to me, he goes, hey, um, I need to tell you something.

He's like, ah, I'm like really dumb.

Who says that?

But also I was intrigued, so I asked him, uh, why are you dumb?

He's like, you know, like when I started training, I like stopped eating carbs and you need carbs for brain development, but look at my muscles!

I was like, good, don't start.

Okay.

So the date was really, it was really dry, and I'm not, and I'm thinking like, I really want to have sex with this guy.

And then my jet lag started to kick in and I was like, oh, this is not gonna happen.

And I was thinking like, maybe, maybe I'll just have like a couple of glasses of wine.

Just a couple of glasses of wine, a couple of glasses, and that will help stave off the jet lag, but also help bring my IQ level down to his, right?

Because alcohol kills brain cells, Norway.

But the thing that you've got to realise about me at this point in my life is that I'd been nearly two years sober.

Two years sober.

And normally that gets a round of applause, but here in Norway, you're like, what the fuck is wrong with me?

I get it, I get it, Norway.

I get it, I get it.

Without alcohol, you wouldn't have a population, okay?

I understand.

Perfectly well.

So I'm there, I order two glasses of wine, and I'm about to sip this glass of wine, and I haven't had alcohol in nearly two years.

Now, I don't know if anyone here has been without alcohol for...

Sorry, wrong crowd.

Just remember when you were nine, and you took your first sip of alcohol.

Remember that feeling, right?

So I go to take this sip, and I'm like...

I was like, what is, what is that magical feeling?

And then this thing started to rise within me, and I was like, what?

What is that?

Oh!

Confidence!

Hello!

And then it moved straight down south, and my pussy was like, I'm ready!

I'm ready!

Because my vagina is Oprah, and...

I was feeling it with Popeye.

I'm like, all right, great.

Like, now I'm a bit drunk.

I'm horny.

Like, this is great, right?

So then he invites me back to his place, but he does it in the weirdest way possible.

He goes, hey, you want to come back to my place for some protein shakes?

And I'm thinking, like, oh, definitely euphemism, probably organic, right?

So we go back to his place, and then as he starts making protein shakes, I'm like, oh, yeah, he's dumb, that's right, and he starts making these protein shakes, and they didn't, like, they looked, like, they weren't like a nice chocolate brown.

They were like a diarrhea brown, right?

And because he's an Instagram influencer, he had a line of protein shakes that he was trying, and so I'm there, and I'm trying to do that thing, like, mmm, yummy!

It tasted awful, but then he saved me.

He saved me.

He's like, hey, I'm just gonna go have a quick shower, you know, make yourself at home.

My laptop's open over there, Spotify's open, put some music on, and I'll be out in a sec.

I was like, okay.

So he goes into the shower, and I'm like, fuck.

Now I have to choose music for sexy time.

That's stressful.

It's almost the same level of stress as when I'm in the supermarket here, and I have to pack my bags before the next dickhead comes along.

Like, it's the same level of stress.

And, because you don't want to fuck it up.

You don't want to put on a play mix, and as you're coming, let it go, let it go, comes on.

Why I'm listening to Frozen is my business, okay?

So I go over to his playlist, and I'm looking, and I see that he has premium.

He pays for premium, and I'm like, thank God, because I don't want to fuck to ads.

Which, in Germany, is actually not so bad, right?

Because the ad comes on in German, and it's like, Volkswagen.

Das Auto.

This feels like a porno.

This is great, right?

Germany is the only country I don't pay for premium in Spotify, right?

So I'm putting on, I'm looking at his previously played, and there's one there called Beast, Beastmo, Beastmo, right?

And it's a workout play mix, and I'm thinking, like, okay, because in my mind, I'm thinking, like, oh, he'll just go into muscle memory, like reps at a gym, and we'll just go for hours.

We all know how that story ends, okay?

So I'm there, and then he comes out of the shower, and he's wearing just a towel.

Now, it had been a while for me, and this guy had abs.

But not just a six pack of abs.

This guy had an eight pack of abs.

It's like, I was like, I didn't even know abs could go that far down.

And you know when you see abs live?

You're like, ah.

Like a moth drawn to the fuckboy flame, just abs.

And I just started touching them, I was like, abs.

He's like, are you okay?

I'm like, shh, abs.

And I wanted to jump this guy, but he was six foot three, you know, Popeye, with no neck, and I don't have the upper body strength, so I was like, I'll just stay at this level.

This level is good for me, right?

And then it was that moment, I went to take the towel off, and it's that moment of anticipation.

You know, that moment of, because we hadn't sent nudie pics, so I didn't know what I was working with, right?

And I'm there, and it's like, I'm going to take it off.

I'm like, please have a nice penis, please, please, please.

Please, like, please don't let the steroid rumors be true.

Please, like, just like, please, grandma who died 20 years ago, please let him have a nice penis, just a nice penis, right?

Because guys, most guys always think, they're like, oh yeah, yeah, I'm going to smash you with this big dick, yeah.

Look at this big dick, it's so fucking big, big, big, big, big fucking dick, right?

Like, if I see a big dick, I'm like, mmm, like, I want to keep my internal organs intact, okay?

I want to have kids one day, all right?

I just want to be able to walk to work tomorrow, all right?

Something that I want to be able to do.

And we don't want it too small.

Oh, did you hear that silence fall from the room?

That's every woman, like, I don't know what she's talking about.

Yeah, I fell in love with personality, bullshit.

Do you know how many stories we get from around the world, and it's always like, I met this guy, he was really lovely, but he had a micropenis!

It's not his fault.

I always think that, I always think what I would do if I had a micropenis as a guy.

Like, if I had a micropenis, what would I do?

And you're thinking, like, you know, you can use your mouth, your hand, your foot, like, whatever size she's into.

Like, all I'm saying, gentlemen, is you have options.

Not you specifically, sir, but you're just right there, so.

I don't know.

I don't know, so I'm thinking, like, please, please just have a nice penis, please have a nice penis.

And I go, and I take off his towel.

Yeah.

Because it wasn't too big, and it wasn't too small.

It was just right.

But not only was it just right, this guy had the golden ticket of dicks.

He had the coveted banana dick.

Mmm.

I was like, that's the protein shake flavour I wanted.

You know that banana dick that just curves, like, up a little bit, right?

So as it goes inside, it hits the G-spot, and you're like, mmm, this dick is bananas, bitch.

A-M-M-M-A-S.

Mmm.

Yummy, love that dick.

That's what the song's about, guys.

And I was thinking, like, oh my god, because in missionary, like, when it goes in in missionary, oh, it feels amazing.

Oh, doesn't it feel so good?

But then when it goes in doggie, you're like, ow, my spine.

Ow.

Now I need to take a shit.

You're looking a little bit confused there.

If she's not coming in doggie, it's because she's trying to hold the shit in, okay?

Yeah.

They won't tell you, but I will, okay?

So you're welcome.

You're laughing and learning.