Hilarious Moments From Every Season of ‘The Big Bang Theory' – Part 1

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To begin with, you will remove funny bone for $200.
For this, I went to MIT.
And begin.
I think I swallowed something.
I can't press any of the buttons with my gloves.
Oh, son of a bitch!
Adversity is to be expected. Continue.
Oh, boy, am I gonna get sued.
Okay, I can't do this.
Me either.
Gentlemen, use your imagination. Innovate.
Did Han Solo let Luke Skywalker freeze to death on the ice planet of Hoth?
No.
He cut open a Tauntaun and used its internal body heat to warm him up.
You heard the man. Hold him down and I'll cut him open.
Hang on. I know I don't possess the tools of leadership, but I don't understand why we can't assemble the equipment inside the hut and then take it outside.
I hadn't thought of that.
I guess we're done here.
This is an auspicious moment.
Like Robert Oppenheimer or Neil Armstrong, we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event.
How about die, toaster, die?
That'll do it.
All right, what's next?
No, I think I'm just gonna stay in tonight and do laundry.
Stu the cockatoo is new at the zoo.
Author Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana with her husband and best friend Mark and their cockatoos too.
Probably makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn't you agree?
I don't like birds. They scare me.
Me too.
Most people don't see it.
What are you reading?
Curious George.
I do like monkeys.
Curious George is monkey.
Somewhat anthropomorphized, but yes.
Say, maybe sometime you and I could go see monkeys together.
Would you like that?
Okay.
Sheldon, what are you doing?
I'm making friends with this little girl.
What's your name?
Rebecca.
Hi, Rebecca.
I'm your new friend Sheldon.
Diana, let's go.
We're really hitting it off.
Don't look up those cameras.
Oh boy.
What?
I can't comment without violating our agreement that I not criticize your work.
Then what was oh boy?
Great restraint on my part.
There's nothing wrong with the science here.
Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say science.
Okay, how's that?
You actually had it right in the first place.
Once again, you've fallen for one of my classic pranks.
Bazinga.
Well, now here's a peculiar email.
The president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.
Why?
Doesn't say.
Must be an emergency.
Everyone at the university knows I ate breakfast at 8 and moved my bowels at 8 20.
Yes, how did we live before Twitter?
I guess you'll find out what it is in the morning.
That's 14 hours away.
And for the next 840 minutes, I'm effectively one of Heisenberg's particles.
I know where I am.
I know how fast I'm going, but I can't know both.
How am I supposed to carry on with this huge annoying thing hovering over my head?
Yeah, I know the feeling.
Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror.
We are about to enter Atsu's fortress.
Now, this is a long run, so let's do another bladder check.
All right, Barry, we'll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor.
Sheldor is AFK.
Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?
Yes, I can't get my stupid door open.
You appear to have put your car key in the door lock.
Are you aware of that?
Yeah.
All right, then.
Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit.
Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?
I can't get the damn key out.
It's not surprising.
That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge-mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagen uses a center cylinder system.
Thank you, Sheldon.
You're welcome.
Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?
Why? I'll tell you why.
Because today I had an audition.
It took me two hours to get there.
I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start, they told me I looked too Midwest for the part.
Too Midwest.
What the hell does that even mean?
Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic people.
They have a characteristic face of...
I know what it means, Sheldon!
God!
You know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven't gotten a single acting job.
I've accomplished nothing.
Haven't gotten a raise at work.
Haven't even had sex in six months.
And just now, when I was walking up those stairs, a fly flew in my mouth, and I ate it!
Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures.
They're almost pure protein.
Oh, son of a bitch!
I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weaken the structural integrity of the bag.
But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.
I did!
He said he'll get here when he gets here.
And you're frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?
No!
I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything, and my breath smells like flies!
There, there.
There.
Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?
No, Sheldon.
I'd rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three-year-old.
All right, then.
For God's sake.
Just when I think I've gotten the hang of sarcasm.
I'll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plankton.
The cosmological physicist from Princeton?
Yes.
And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin.
We've been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe, and now she's under consideration for a position at our university.
Why didn't you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plankton?
I am a huge fan of hers!
I didn't realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you're a fan of.
But very well.
You enjoy Canadian bacon?
I've been to Toronto.
Okay, fine.
Where is she gonna sleep?
My room, of course.
Holy crap!
Holy crap!
I have a two-part question.
Go ahead.
A. Are you kidding me?
And B. Seriously, are you freaking kidding me?
A. I rarely kid.
And B. When I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga.
So you're saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?
Yes.
Bazinga.
Thank you so much for opening up your home to me.
Well, who wants to stay in a hotel with windows that don't open, those crazy card-shaped keys?
I'm so glad you understand.
No, he doesn't understand.
I understand.
I understand, too.
You're just misappropriating my understanding.
I think any university would want you.
Except, of course, any university that had already had you, because they would have already wanted you before they, you know, got you.
From the mind that brought you high-low.
Let me show you to your room.
All right.
I guess I am tired.
Good night, Leonard.
Sleep night.
I mean, obviously, good night.
I started to say sleep tight, then I changed my mind in the middle.
I swear to God, I'm smart.
Get it together, ma'am.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
Enjoying your stay?
Yes, very much.
Good.
Excuse me.
Okay, well, I guess I should get dressed so I can take everyone to work.
You and Sheldon and Sheldon's friend, Dr. Plimpton, who you just met.
It'd be fun.
Like a clown car.
Hang on.
We just broke up.
You and me?
Yeah, we did not too long ago.
How are you doing with it?
Not as good as you, apparently.
I don't follow.
You know what?
It's none of my business.
If you want to sleep with Sheldon's doctor buddy right after we stop seeing each other, go for it.
Well, no.
Excuse me.
I'm uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr.
Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.
I'm not recommending it.
I'm saying it already happened.
That's preposterous.
Tell her, Leonard.
Well...
No.
Oh, come on.
It wasn't my fault.
The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?
You know what?
I'm just going to take the bus to work.
I can still drive you.
Oh, no, no.
It's okay.
You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.
I must say, I'm shocked by this betrayal.
I didn't betray Penny.
Not Penny.
Me.
How am I betraying you?
Elizabeth's my friend, and you're playing with her.
Yeah, I guess I did.
Hey, baby doll pink.
Let's see if you can cover up the fact that I got my dad's feet.
Two degrees, Sheldon.
I just want to turn up the thermostat two degrees.
Let me put it on.
Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam.
Yes, if we lived in a tea kettle.
This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.
Oh, screw the roommate agreement.
No, you don't screw the roommate agreement.
The roommate agreement screws you.
You know what?
Go to hell and set their thermostat.
I don't have to go to hell.
It's 73 degrees.
I'm there already.
Who is it?
Leonard.
Hang on.
Can I sleep on your couch tonight?
Uh, well, you can try, but the people across the hall are being very noisy.
I heard that, huh?
Apparently the one fella tried to adjust the thermostat, then the other fella went bat crap crazy.
So you agree he's nuts?
Well, not as nuts as the guy who chooses to live with him.
Believe it or not, he was worse when I met him.
Oh, I do not believe that.
Yes?
Uh, I'm Leonard Hofstetter.
I called you about the apartment.
You said it...
I know what I said.
I know what you said.
I know what my mother said on March 5th, 1992.
What is the sixth noble gas?
What?
You said you're a scientist.
What is the sixth noble gas?
Uh, radon?
Are you asking me or telling me?
Telling you.
Telling you.
All right.
Next question.
Kirk or Picard?
Oh, uh, well, that's tricky.
Um, uh, original series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.
Correct.
You've passed the first barrier to roommatehood.
You may enter.
Oh, this is pretty nice.
Uh, the bedrooms are back there?
That depends.
I don't understand.
Their existence is conditional?
No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers.
There's three?
Each more daunting than the last.
Have a seat.
Okay.
No, that's where I sit.
Uh, explain the couch.
Uh, well, there were some people on the first floor moving out and they sold it to me for $100.
Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.
But what's wrong with the furniture we have?
They're lawn chairs.
And there was no place for company.
Did it occur to you that was by design?
According to the roommate agreement, I'm entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas.
But you didn't notify me by email, so this is still a breach.
I did notify you.
Oh, you did, did you?
Drat.
Hoisted by my own spam filter.
What am I doing in your spam folder?
I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano entitled
This Is Funny.
Mix it into Tovex in order to create a combustible gel that will generate over 8,000 kilonewtons of thrust.
Won't work.
Excuse me, but I've been working on this a long time.
Trust me, it'll work.
You don't see your mistake, do you?
There's no mistake.
This is for a full-scale rocket, not a model.
I've adjusted the formula.
Not correctly.
Okay, I've had it with you.
You might be an expert on theoretical physics and science fiction programs and where to sit on a freaking couch, but this is applied physics.
And when it comes to applied physics, uh, uh, uh, uh, oh.
What's happening?
A bad thing.
A very bad thing.
Get the door.
Get the door.
Get the door.
Get the door.
Get the door.
Get the door.
You're waiting for the elevator?
Oh, right.
Wait, it's you.
Give me that.
What'd you do that for?
I had plenty of time.
You're welcome.
Oh, hi.
What's going on?
We're up on the roof bouncing laser beams off the moon.
I'm sorry, what?
It's pretty cool.
We've got a two-meter parabolic reflector and everything.
I thought you might want to see it.
That makes no sense.
How can you bounce stuff off the moon?
There's no gravity.
Uh, Leonard, this is Zach.
Zach Leonard.
Hey.
I'm sorry, I didn't know you were busy.
Maybe another time.
Yeah, maybe.
Hey, I want to see this laser thing.
Oh, but, um, I don't know how to use it.
Oh, but what about the party?
It's a surprise party.
Doesn't matter when we get there.
Oh, right.
Okay, well, yeah, um, come on up.
So, how'd you guys meet?
My company designs the venues for the Cheesecake Factory.
Your company?
Well, my dad's, but me and my sister are VPs.
So, menus.
I know it sounds easy, but there's a lot of science that goes into designing them.
There, we'll measure the photons that return and let us see it on this computer.
Raj, get them some glasses.
Cool, it's gonna be in 3D?
Preparing to fire laser at the moon.
Make it so.
There it is.
There's the spike.
2.5 seconds for the light to return.
That's the moon.
We hit the moon.
That's your big experiment?
I'll have our line on the screen?
Yeah, but think about what this represents.
The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.
What species is that?
Stop!
I was wrong.
Penny can do better.
Okay, guys, thank you.
It's been fun.
Yeah, thanks.
Should we invite him to the party?
No, just keep walking.
He must be very skilled at coitus.
If she can do it, I can do it.
If she can do it, I can do it.
I can't do it.
Hello?
Hi, hey.
Hi, Leslie.
Leonard Hofstadter, what are you doing here?
I know.
It's been a while.
Yeah, 18 months.
Right, right.
How you doing?
Fine.
You?
Not bad.
You remember when we used to have sex and you said that it didn't mean anything, it was just for fun?
Yeah.
Do you want to do that again?
What happened?
Blondie dumped you?
She didn't dump me.
We were just in different places in the relationship.
Right.
Anyway, apparently, it's okay to go back to people you're no longer seeing and have recreational sex with them.
Uh-huh.
So what do you say?
Let me think about it.
She's not coming back.
In a few minutes, when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it?
The standard I told you so?
With a classic neener-neener?
Or just my normal look of haughty derision?
You don't know we're wrong yet.
Haughty derision it is.
Excuse me?
I'm Amy Farrah Fowler.
You're Sheldon Cooper.
Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler.
I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics.
Designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely.
Additionally, I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it.
If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery.
In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
Interesting.
My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
Now, then you might want to avoid East Texas.
Noted.
Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.
May I buy you a beverage?
Tepid water, please.
Good God, what have we done?
I'm in a little trouble catching your breath there.
No, no, I'm good.
If my P.E. teachers had told me this is what I was training for, I would have tried a lot harder.
Do or do not.
There is no try.
Did you just quote Star Wars?
I believe I quoted Empire Strikes Back.
Oh, my God, I'm lying in bed with a beautiful woman who can quote Yoda.
I love you, Penny.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I just want to put that out there.
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm glad.
Yeah, good.
Glad is good.
Yeah.
No.
So it's getting pretty late.
We should probably go to sleep.
Yeah.
Okay.
Good night, sweetie.
Good night.
Hi, Leonard.
Where do you come down on giant ants?
Sheldon says impossible.
Howard and I say not only possible, but as a mode of transportation, way cooler than a Batmobile.
You are ignoring the square cube law.
The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton.
And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jetpack, hoverboard, transporter, Batmobile, and then giant ant.
Seriously, you have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants.
What's with him?
Perhaps he's at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle.
Are you saying he's manstrating?
Not literally.
But as far back as the 17th century, scientists observed a 33-day fluctuation in men's hormone levels.
Interesting.
That might explain my weepy days in the middle of the month.
You know what I'm talking about.
I've taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch.
The Wesley Crushers?
No, not the Wesley Crushers.
The Wesley Crushers.
I don't get it.
Wesley Crusher was Willow Eaton's character on Star Trek.
Still don't get it.
It's a blindingly clever play on words.
By appropriating his character's name and adding the S, we imply that we'll be the Crushers of Wesley.
OK, I'm sorry, honey, but the Wesley Crushers sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley
Crusher.
But no, again, it's not the Wesley Crushers.
It's the Wesley Crushers.
If you want it to mean you're crushing Wesley, it'd be the Wesley Crushers.
Do you people even hear yourselves?
It's not the Wesley Crushers.
It's not the Wesley Crushers.
It's the Wesley Crushers.
Hey, look, they named their team after me.
No, it's not.
Never mind.
After you.
No, after you, as we are currently crushing you, Wesley.
It's customary for the player on the right hand lane to roll first.
All right.
It's a custom, not a rule.
I so loathe you.
That's right, Sheldon.
Embrace the dark side.
That's not even from your franchise.
Damn, they canceled my visa.
Oh, yeah, a new MasterCard.
Uh-oh.
What?
I was going to get my mail.
Okay.
Are you hoping to get it telepathically?
I think you mean telekinetically.
And no.
I just wasn't sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.
God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other?
Well, we could if it were true.
But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time.
The variable which has changed is the coitus.
Okay, here's the protocol.
You and I are still friends and you stop saying coitus.
Good.
I'm glad we're still friends.
Really?
Oh, yes.
It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life.
I'd hate for that effort to have been in vain.
Great.
Just to be clear, do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?
Everyone.
Say hello to your mother for me.
Okay.
What?
I said you were going for a walk.
I didn't say outside.
So what, you're just going to walk up and down the stairs?
No, of course not.
That would be odd and suspicious behavior.
Here, Ruffles.
Here, boy.
Which way are you going?
Which way are you going?
I parked my scooter down the block.
I'm going the other way.
Bye.
Bye.
Actually, I'm this way.
Do I smell hot dogs?
No.
I mean, I have no idea what you smell.
I definitely smell raw hot dogs.
Perhaps you're getting a brain tumor.
Right.
All right.
Have a nice walk.
Bye, Shell.
Have a nice scoot.
You might want to stand back.
I'm sitting on top of 13 horses here.
Oh, hello, doggie.
Nice doggie.
Penny.
I bet you think you smell hot dogs.
Look, a cat.
Penny.
Penny.
Penny.
Here.
I had to trade the others for my life.
We're home.
It's 10 o'clock.
Where have you been?
We stayed for the California Adventure Water Show.
It was pure Disney magic.
I was going to see that with him.
How was I supposed to know that?
It's all right.
I'll see it again with you.
And I have food here.
You said you were going to call.
I know.
I know.
I can still eat.
No, you already threw up once.
Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth.
Okay, but just don't fight.
We're not fighting.
Just go.
Aren't you going to thank Penny for taking you to Disneyland?
Thank you, Penny.
You're welcome, sweetie.
Want a cup of coffee?
Oh, um, I should probably get going.
Come on, it's just a cup of coffee.
Yeah, okay.
Oh, yeah, the whole thing seems a little twisted to me, too.
What am I smelling?
Sheldon's churro on my shoes.
I've been seeing Penny behind your back.
Okay.
When you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean?
We had dinner last night.
She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it.
Fine.
Why did you have dinner with Penny?
I told you she made spaghetti with little hot dogs.
I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.
Then why did you have Chinese food with us?
I didn't want to upset you.
Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.
Is it possible he said bros before hoes?
Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hoes.
Hold.
What?
Explain your sneeze.
I'm sorry?
Do you have allergies?
No.
Is there too much pepper on your salad?
I don't put pepper on salads.
I've heard enough.
Sit over there.
Come on, I don't want to sit by myself.
That's what Typhoid Mary said, and clearly her friends buckled.
Guys, help me.
Shall then.
Come on.
Yeah, it's just one sneeze.
You're on your own.
See you, buddy.
Yes, Raj?
When can I sit with you again?
When I've seen two consecutive negative throat cultures face 12 hours apart.
You know the drill.
All right, if you'll excuse me, I am off to start a prophylactic course of antibiotics.
I can't believe he's doing this to me.
I can't believe he's friends with Elizabeth Plinton.
I can't believe they let him into Canada.
Whoa, you heard the man.
Where's your throat cultures?
I'm kidding.
Sit down.
Where's Christie?
In the shower.
Oh, by the way, where did you get that loofah mitt?
Yours reaches places that mine just won't.
You used my loofah?
More precisely, we used your loofah.
I exfoliated her brains out.
You can keep that, too.
Ah, well, then we'll probably need to talk about your stuffed bear collection.
Howard?
In here, m'lady.
There's my little engine that could.
What?
Well, there's one beloved children's book I'll never read again.
This is Lalita Gupta.
Lalita, this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny.
Isn't it great?
She isn't fat anymore.
Forgive me, your highness, for I am but a monkey and it is in my nature to climb.
I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.
I'm sorry?
You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Panchali.
Oh, no kidding.
Who is that?
A beloved character from an Indian folktale.
Oh, us Indian or come to our casino Indian?
You Indian.
Oh.
The resemblance is remarkable.
I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair.
Well, thanks.
I imagine you smell very nice, too.
I shower twice a day and wash my hands as often as I can.
So do I.
But you're a dentist.
He's nuts.
Don't be insulting, Rajesh.
So, Sheldon, tell me more about this princess you say I look like.
It was said that the gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips.
Oh, my.
Back off, Sheldon.
What?
If you do not stop hitting on my lady, you will feel the full extent of my wrath.
I'm not hitting on her.
And I am not your lady.
And you have no wrath.
You are my lady.
Our parents said so.
We are, for all intents and purposes, 100% hooked up.
Okay, let's get something straight here.
The only reason I came tonight was to get my parents off my case.
I certainly don't need to be getting this old world crap from you.
That's exactly the kind of spirit with which Princess Panchali led the monkeys to freedom.
Screw Princess Panchali.
Hey, you can't talk to me like that.
But you're not Princess Panchali.
Luckily for you, she could have you beheaded.
Sheldon, are you hungry?
I could eat.
Let's go.
I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
What was I supposed to say?
You could have told her the truth.
That would have hurt her feelings.
Is that a relevant factor?
Yes.
Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
And what would I have said afterwards?
I would suggest something to the effect of singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you.
And if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.
I couldn't say that.
I would have to say, you were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again.
Why?
It's the social protocol.
It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.
I was not aware of that.
Well, now you are.
Oh, all right.
Leonard?
Yes?
When we played chess earlier, you were terrific and I can't wait to play you again.
Good night.
This is amazing.
Just sitting on a couch watching TV with a woman.
And not being drunk or high or wondering if you're a dude down there.
Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy.
You're gonna do okay.
One day at a time, Penny.
One day at a time.
How long is he going to stay here?
He's a homeless drug addict, Leonard.
Where is he going to go?
Oh, you have a lot to learn about lying.
Okay, so we now have a socially awkward genius in a room full of attractive, age-appropriate women.
All he has to do now is hook up with one of them.
Anyone else see the flaw in this plan?
Okay, we cannot leave this to chance.
Let's pick a girl and figure out how to get her together with Dennis.
Okay.
How about that one?
Uh-uh.
I know the type.
Cheerleader, student council, goes out with the jocks.
Won't even look at anybody in the gifted program.
And if, after two years of begging, she does agree to go out with you, it turns out to be a setup and you're in the back seat of your mom's car with your pants off while the whole football team laughs at you.
Are you crying?
No, I have allergies.
Okay.
Oh, hey.
Sure, who wants to spend a couple years doing her homework while she drinks herself into a stupor with non-fat white Russians?
You're the one holding her head out of the toilet while she's puking and telling you she wishes more guys were like you.
And then she gets into Cornell because you wrote her essay for her and you drive up to visit her one weekend and she acts like she doesn't even know you.
Okay, so not her either.
Could I have everyone's attention, please?
What a wonderful occasion this is.
And how fortunate that it should happen to fall on Take Your Daughter to Work Day.
We're here to welcome Mr. Dennis Kim to our little family.
Welcome, Dennis Kim.
Mr. Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stanford University, he is also the youngest recipient of the prestigious Stevenson Award.
Youngest till the cyborgs rise up.
And now, without any further ado, let me introduce the man of the hour, Mr. Dennis Kim.
Dennis?
Dennis?
What?
Would you like to tell us a little bit about your upcoming research?
No, thanks. I'm going to the mall with Emma.
The kid got a girl.
Unbelievable.
Did anyone see how he did it?
Unbelievable.
Components I built are on the International Space Station and I get a ticket for launching a model rocket in the park.
I don't know if the ticket was so much for the launch as it was for you telling the policewoman, you have to frisk me, I have another rocket in my pants.
Hey, look at that.
It's Dennis Kim.
Wow, I almost didn't recognize him.
You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him.
Yeah, we really ruined his life.
Screw him, he was weak.
Take him down.
He's got you, Sheldon.
Look at this, come on.
Hey, guys, guys.
Some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something.
It's called trestling.
It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of Tetris into the ultimate sport.
Yeah, that's terrific.
But what they wanted me to ask you is to cut it the hell out.
All right, come on, guys, come on.
Happy birthday to you.
We might as well stop, it's a stalemate.
You're beating me in Tetris, but you've got the upper body strength of a Keebler elf.
Keebler elf?
I go to Keebler elf right here.
Okay, it's a stalemate.
Excuse me, do you know anything about this stuff?
I know everything about this stuff.
Okay, I have my own wholesale flower business, and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse.
Here, buy this one.
Look, it's the one we're getting.
See, happy guy.
No, no, no, no, she doesn't want that.
She needs a point-to-point peer network with a range extender.
Thank you.
Which hard drive do I want?
Firewire or USB?
It depends on what bus you have available.
I drive a Chevy Cavalier.
Oh, dear Lord.
Sheldon, we have to go.
Not now, Penny.
This poor man needs me.
You hold on, I'll be right with you.
What computer do you have?
And please don't say a white one.
Okay, we don't have that in stock, but I can special order it for you.
Him.
Excuse me, sir.
You don't work here.
Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else.
Sheldon, we have to go.
Why?
Well, for one thing, we're late for Leonard's birthday party, and for another, I told him to call security.
Good luck.
By the way, a six-year-old could hack your computer system.
Keep walking.
One, two, three, four is not a secure password.
Were the rest of the guys meeting this year?
Oh, yeah, no.
Well, it turns out that Raj and Howard had to work, and Sheldon had a colonoscopy, and he hasn't quite bounced back yet.
My uncle just had a colonoscopy.
You're kidding.
Well, then that's something we have in common.
How?
We both have people in our lives who want to nip intestinal polyps in the butt.
So, what's new in the world of physics?
Nothing.
Really? Nothing?
Well, with the exception of string theory, not much has happened since the 1930s, and you can't prove string theory.
At best, you can say, hey, look, my idea has an internal logical consistency.
Hey, do you want to see something cool?
I can make this olive go into this glass without touching it.
How?
Physics.
Wow, centrifugal force.
Actually, it's centripetal force, which is an inward force generated by the glass acting on the olive.
Excuse me.
Now, if you were biting on the olive, biting on the olive, you'd be in a non-inertial reference frame and would...
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Did you spill ketchup?
No.
I'm not okay.
All right, I'm moving my infantry division, augmented by a battalion of orcs from Lord of the Rings.
We flank the Tennessee Volunteers, and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.
Not so fast.
Remember, the South still has two infantry divisions, plus Superman and Godzilla.
No, no, no, no.
Orcs are magic.
Superman is vulnerable to magic.
Not to mention, you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.
Why don't you just have Robert E. Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh?
All right, you guys ready to order?
Hang on, honey.
Shiva and Ganesh?
The Hindu gods against the entire Union army?
And orcs.
I'll be back.
Excuse me.
Ganesh is the remover of obstacles, and Shiva's the destroyer.
When the smoke clears,
Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.
All right, my boss says you have to either order or leave and never come back.
Hey, Leslie.
Careful, Leonard.
Liquid nitrogen, 320 degrees below zero.
Burn.
Why are you smashing a flash-frozen banana?
Because I got a bowl of Cheerios and I couldn't find a knife.
So anyway, hello.
Uh, what are you doing?
Just extending the intimacy.
Hey, do you want to slip over to the radiation lab and share a decontamination shower?
Okay, uh, what exactly do you think's going on between us?
I'm not sure, but I think I'm about to discover how the banana felt.
Okay.
Listen, Leonard, neither of us are neuroscientists, but we both understand the biochemistry of sex.
I mean, dopamine in our brains is released across synapses, causing pleasure.
You stick electrodes in a rat's brain, give him an orgasm button, he'll push that thing until he starves to death.
Who wouldn't?
The only difference between us and the rat is that you can't stick an electrode in our hypothalamus.
That's where you come in.
Yeah, well, I'm just glad to be a part of it.
So what happens now?
Well, I don't know about your sex drive, but I'm probably good till New Year's.
Oh.
Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You want to make plans for New Year's?
Whoa, Leonard, please, you're smothering me.
Leonard Hofstetter is in a relationship.
What? No.
A relationship?
What? No.
No, that's not right.
Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did?
Speaking as an expert, way to look needy.
Seriously? You went first after only two weeks?
That's bold.
It's not bold.
It's a mistake.
I didn't change my status.
Well, then who did?
I had no choice.
He cried in front of her.
You hacked my Facebook account?
Oh, it's hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-El.
Are you insane?
Now she's gonna think I'm desperate.
You've destroyed this relationship.
And you want to know the worst part is you don't even understand what you did wrong because you can't conceive of something that you are not an expert in.
In which I am not.
Don't even!
I don't want to hear another word out of you.
Boo!
What's wrong, Lassie?
Timmy fall down the well?
Oh, wow.
She just updated her Facebook status.
Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship with Leonard Hofstetter.
Really?
Oh, look at that.
I have a girlfriend.
If I'm permitted to speak again,
Dr. Sheldon Cooper for the win.
You try too hard?
Look at me.
What chance do I have if I don't try too hard?
Well, you have a terrific chance.
I mean, you're smart.
You're funny.
You have a cool job.
You build stuff that goes into outer space.
I guess.
No, look, I'm telling you,
I've known you for like a year and a half and this is the first time I feel like
I'm talking to a real person.
And you know what?
I like him.
He's a nice guy.
You really think so?
Yes.
I don't know.
No, I do.
While he was telling you things, did he mention he owns not one, but two Star Trek uniforms?
Really?
Yeah, wears them.
Not just for Halloween.
Hey, pal.
You didn't see me telling Kevin that you thought cold wars were only fought in winter.
Okay, then I'll return the favor and I won't tell.
Laura.
Laura, that half the dirty movies you own are animated.
No.
When you were telling Kevin about your acting career, did you mention your long-running role as waitress in a local production of The Cheesecake Factory?
Did you tell her about your lucky asthma inhaler?
Oh, yeah?
Spell asthma.
A-S...
Take me home.
Maybe I'm not Johnny Hanging Out With...
You're right, it's getting late.
A moment.
We just had Thai food.
And in that culture, the last morsel is called the grain jai piece.
And it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group.
Thank you all for this high honor.
I've seen pictures of your mother.
Keep eating.
All right, honey, if we're gonna make the movie, we should go.
This may be hard for you to hear, but when I say honey,
I mean my fiancee.
Yeah, well, now it means her.
It's okay if he wants to come.
Fine, but next time we get a sitter.
This isn't the reaction I expected when I told you I was gonna be an astronaut.
What did you think was gonna happen?
Honestly?
Sex?
Howard.
Do you realize what a big deal this is?
What an honor it is to be chosen to go into space.
Yeah, I get it.
I just wish you included me in the decision.
We're supposed to be partners.
We're supposed to be a team.
I'm sorry.
You're right.
Let's try this again.
Bernadette, an opportunity has come up that impacts both of us, and I'd like to discuss it.
Okay.
I've been offered a chance to go up to the International Space Station for three weeks.
What are your thoughts on that?
Well, first of all, thank you for including me in the decision-making process.
Hey, we're a team.
So what do you think?
No.
Glender, check it out.
I bought an Engage locomotive, half the size of HO.
Look, fits in my mouth.
Sounds like you had a great night.
I did.
How was yours?
Not bad.
I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
What exactly do you mean by that?
Turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time.
Although, truth be told, my groin's a little worse for wear.
Why'd you do that?
To send a message.
She is not for you.
What?
Not for you.
Two wine and bubble wrap.
And to not having to watch Sheldon demonstrate his reverse osmosis machine that converts urine into drinking water.
You know, in Girl Scouts,
Tammy Dinesha said you could do that with pantyhose.
Blows she wrong.
Anyway, you want to make out?
I thought because our relationship's on a beta test, you wanted to take things slow.
Okay.
Do you want to make out slow?
If I can go so slow, it'll be like there's a snail in your mouth.
Oh.
Well, lucky for you, there's nothing else to do right now.
He looks friendly.
I think he might be someone's pet.
No, Bernadette, don't be a hero.
Aw, he's a sweetie.
Yes, he's very sweet.
Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet.
Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it, just like you did with the mailman.
Every year, tens of people around the world are killed by birds.
I'm not going to be another statistic.
Look how sweet he is.
Come over and say hi.
Come on, you can do it.
Don't be scared.
Oh, just pet the bird, you big baby.
I did it.
I actually did it.
Okay, now flush him.
Oh, bother.
Isn't that just always the way?
You go to staple something, and you're out of staples.
Gosh, I wish I'd known that earlier today when I was at Staples.
You ever think of paperclips right there?
Well, no, no.
I need something more permanent to join these papers.
Say, don't you keep staples in your top desk drawer?
I don't know, maybe.
Yeah, be a lamb and check.
All right.
Who do we have here?
It's a snake, a terrifying snake.
Did some bad man put us in a drawer?
Stop talking like that.
You've been rendered speechless by fear.
Let's go to the biology lab and find you some nice, yummy mice.
I tried to scare an Indian with a snake.
Yeah, come on, Cooper.
You're better than this.
How often would you pretend to like things just to have sex with me?
All the time.
You're kidding.
Does this sound familiar?
I'd love to go shoe shopping with you.
Hiking, it's great.
It's 2 a.m.
Of course, I want to go to Koreatown and sing karaoke with your friends.
Who wouldn't?
Okay, we were going out.
You were going to get sex anyway.
Really?
You would have slept with me after a three-hour documentary on dams?
No, no woman would.
See, now that's the great thing.
We're out as friends.
This is not a date.
Sex is off the table.
So let's go learn why hydroelectric power might not be the environmental bargain you think it is.
Sorry, spoiler alert.
All right, fine.
Thanks.
Tickets are 11 bucks.
Not a date.
Amy's too busy.
It gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier.
Thus assuring yourselves a footnote in my memoirs.
Tentatively entitled,
You're Welcome, Mankind.
All right, then.
Just shout when you hear the text.
I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.
When you hear the task you want to undertake.
Dentist.
Okay, we can circle back to that one.
Who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes?
Anyone?
Oh, that one had hoot written all over it.
All right.
Dermatologist.
Allergist.
Podiatrist.
Supercuts?
Okay, okay.
Here's a fun one.
I need a new picture frame and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs.
Who wants to spend the day with me at Ikea?
The meatballs are pretty good.
What's that?
Nothing, nothing.