Happy Holidays, Dwight.

But do not open it until Christmas.

You're so pathetic.

How long did this take you?

Three hours?

Five minutes, actually.

I am a black belt in gift wrapping.

Yeah.

No such thing.

They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid.

Well, I hope it was worth it, because I'm going to take it apart in about five minutes.

I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.

Really?

If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my...

It's kind of blurry.

That's better.

Question.

What kind of bear is best?

That's a ridiculous question.

False.

Black bear.

Well, that's debatable.

There are basically two schools of thought.

Fact.

Bears eat beets.

Oh.

Bears.

Beets.

Battlestar Galactica.

Bears do not...

What is going on?

What are you doing?

Last week, I was in a drugstore, and I saw these glasses.

Four dollars.

And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble, and that's a grand total of...

Eleven dollars.

Here's what's going to happen.

I am going to have to fix you.

Manage you to, on a more personal scale, a more micro form of management.

Jim, what is that called?

Microgyman.

Boom.

Yes.

Now, Jim is going to be the client.

Dwight, you're going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile, or difficult.

Let's go.

All right, fine.

Ring.

Ring.

Hello?

Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.

Wow, that's great, because I need paper.

Excellent, then you are in luck, because we are having a limited time offer only on everything.

Wow, this is my lucky day.

Ask him his name.

What is your name, sir?

I am Bill Butlicker.

Really, that's your real name?

How dare you?

My family built this country, by the way.

Be respectful, Dwight, please.

Yes, Michael.

You know what?

Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you.

Identity theft is not a joke, Jim.

Millions of families suffer every year.

Michael!

Oh, that's funny.

Michael!

Hold on one second.

That's my other line.

What?

No, but I...

Hello?

Yeah.

No, I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman.

He's so dumb.

Probably just going to keep him on the line forever and not buy anything.

Okay.

It's up to you to change his mind.

Sorry.

That was a family emergency.

Oh, no.

What's wrong?

You know what?

That's private.

Boundaries, Dwight.

Come on.

Hey.

Hey.

Who were you faxing so early in the morning?

Oh, um...

Kind of hard to explain.

I don't have a ton of contact with this Granton branch, but before I left, I took a box of Dwight's stationery.

So from time to time, I send Dwight faxes.

From himself.

From the future.

Dwight, at 8 a.m. today, someone poisons the coffee.

Do not drink the coffee.

More instructions will follow.

Cordially, future Dwight.

No!

You'll thank me later.

As I was saying, we are having a limited...

Son, you just have to speak up a little bit louder.

I'm hard of hearing.

He's hard of hearing.

He's an old man.

Okay.

As I was saying, right now, we are having...

Yeah, talk louder.

Okay.

Our prices have never been lower.

Son, you have to talk louder.

Never been lower.

Louder, son!

Butlerker!

Our prices have never been lower!

Stop it.

Pete!

That is totally inappropriate.

You never yell at the client.

You never yell at the client.

Now, you listen to me, sir.

Here we go.

The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, and definitely difficult.

Give me the phone.

I'm irate right now.

Give me the phone.

Please give me another chance.

Mr. Butlerker.

Give me the phone.

I have to put you on with my boss.

Well, I should hope so.

Who is this?

Hello, this is Michael Scott, regional manager.

Well, this is William M.

Butlerker.

Hello, Mr. Butlerker.

How may we help you?

Michael, I like the sound of your voice.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna buy one million dollars worth of paper products today.

See how it's done?

Thank you very much, sir.

I don't think you'll regret it.

You know what I did?

You're the master.

There is one condition, Michael.

Yes?

You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly.

Don't do it, Michael.

It's a million dollar sale.

Where is my desk?

That is weird.

This is not funny.

This is totally unprofessional.

Okay, well, you're the one who lost the desk.

I didn't lose my desk.

Okay, calm down.

Where was the last place you saw it?

Okay, who moved my desk?

I think you should retrace your steps.

Okay, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished.

Colder.

Warmer.

A little warmer.

There you go.

Ooh, warmer.

Warmer.

Warmer.

Warmer.

Warmer.

Cold, cold, cold.

Back up.

Ooh.

Ooh, warmer.

Hot.

Red hot.

Hot.

Very hot.

Dwight Schrute.

Hi, Dwight.

What sort of discounts are we giving on the 20 pound white bomb?

Jim, I've given you this information like 20 times.

I know.

It's by the Ream?

Uh, yeah, Ream.

It is now $9.78.

So it's a discount of 7%.

Okay, thank you.

Gotta get back to work.

Okay, so Dwight, in your own words, someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons.

I suspect Jim Halpert.

Everyone has called me Dwayne all day.

I think Jim Halpert paid them to.

Yes.

Five bucks each and it was totally worth it.

You look cute today, Dwight.

Thanks, girl.

So, yesterday, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot.

Which is unfortunate because, as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.

I'm just saying that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.

That's ridiculous.

Of course it wasn't me.

Marijuana is a memory loss drug so maybe you just don't remember.

I would remember.

Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?

That's not how it works.

Now, how do you know how it works?

Back it off, okay?

I'm interviewing you.

No, you said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here.

Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?

This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder.

I think he may be the real murderer.

Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room.

When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.

God.

Smile.

No.

I never smile if I can help it.

Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates.

When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

This came out really well.

There you go.

This is humongous.

I am not a security threat.

And my middle name is Kurt, not fart.

What did I write?

This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.

That actually took a while.

I had to put more and more nickels into his handset until he got used to the weight and then I just took them all out.

Every time I typed my name, it said diapers.

Just a simple macro.

Morning, Dwight.

Who are you?

Who am I?

I'm Jim.

We've been working together for 12 years.

Weird joke, Dwight.

You're not Jim.

Jim's not Asian.

You seriously never noticed?

Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race.

All right then, Jim.

Uh, why don't you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday?

Uh, Wellington Systems sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock.

Or, were you talking about Krieger Murphy because I didn't close that one yet?

But I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Krieger waiting for me.

Please enter your password.

You have one new message.

How did you know?

No.

No.

No.

That is sensitive information only for employees, not outsiders.

Dwight, cut it out.

I'm trying to work.

You don't work here.

You're not Jim.

Jim, I got us that dinner reservation.

Grieco's, 730.

Oh, great.

Can't wait.

Jim's at the dentist this morning, and Steve is an actor friend of ours.

I don't know who you are, but you are not Jim.

This is Jim.

Oh.

Oh, dude.

How did...

So, what's the deal?

We gotta pay for our own drinks?

That's lame.

Come on.

It'll be fun.

And besides, I'm a roulette expert.

Impossible. is not a game of skill.

It is a game of chance.

I could always kind of win at roulette.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

How would you do that?

Mind control.