Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome to...The Tonight Show!

Oh, yeah.

-♪♪

Well, guys, tomorrow, President Trump is getting his annual physical.

Trump's very excited today.

He was handed a giant chart to pick what he'd like his weight to be.

It's got 175 and 2% body fat.

Thank you.

It's not easy.

It's not easy taking care of Trump.

Halfway through, his doctor will be like, forget the tariffs. I think I need to pause for 90 days.

That's right. Trump's getting his physical tomorrow, and while I'm sure his doctors will be very thorough,

I wanted to ask him some questions myself.

So if you don't mind, thank you.

Mr. President, thank you for talking to us about your health.

First off, how much do you weigh?

That's classified information.

Understood.

But how would you describe yourself?

I'm a perfect physical specimen, and I'm very, very young.

Okay, very nice.

It says here you're getting a prostate exam.

How's that going to go for you?

You are going to hear the wailing and shrieking.

Okay, that's enough.

Let's do a quick cognitive test, okay?

Repeat the following three words.

Giraffe, whale, shark.

Bacon, ham, apples.

Okay, not quite, not quite.

Let's try another.

Can you count backwards from 100 by 5?

A giraffe, a whale, and a shark.

Okay, forget it, forget it, forget it.

Now, forgive me for asking, but are you getting up a lot at night to urinate?

It goes drip, drip, drip.

Okay.

And can you...

Just for our record, can you tell me the name of your doctor?

Okay, very good.

And who would you like to put as your emergency contact?

Your wife?

Okay.

Really?

Why is Elon your emergency contact?

Okay, you love Tesla.

All right, thank you very much for your time.

You love Tesla.

Tesla.

Well, listen to this.

Trump just signed an executive order to make America's showers great again, with more powerful showerheads that no longer restrict water flow.

America's like, what are you doing on our 401K?

And Trump was like, stronger shower nozzles.

Stronger showers are better than what Trump does now, which is lying on the hood of a Cybertruck and going through a car wash.

Trump said that he has to stand under the shower for 15 minutes before he gets wet.

I think the problem is Trump wears so much bronzer, he made himself waterproof.

It's like Flex Seal.

It's like an orange Flex Seal.

Yeah, the good news is more powerful showerheads are on the way. Bad news, they're all made in China.

So, I mean, that's just how we can't win.

Of course, everyone's still talking about Trump's decision to pause all of his new tariffs.

And I read that, actually, he did it because he was afraid that it would lead to a depression.

Yeah, but Trump said that if we do have a depression, it'll be greater than the Great Depression.

It'll be the greatest depression.

The Great Depression is also what Trump calls his spot on the couch.

Nobody sit on the Great Depression.

That's where I sit.

Some business news. You guys hear about the big Audi recall?

It's not good. Listen to this.

Audi is recalling more than 44,000 vehicles due to a software issue.

An aging flex coil can lead to a problem like your warning lights to stop working.

What? Oh, man, I drive an Audi.

I'm sorry about that, Tariq.

It's okay. At least I still have my trusty Volvo.

It's a hybrid.

Oh.

Oh, what? Roll the clip.

An important Volvo recall.

The company is recalling some hybrid vehicles because the battery may short-circuit and cause a fire.

A fire? Yeah, that's not good. That's not good.

Man, now how am I supposed to get groceries?

I'm grilling out this weekend and need to pick up some cheddar-flavored

Johnsonville bratwurst.

A recall alert for you this morning.

22,000 pounds of cheddar-flavored

Johnsonville bratwurst have been recalled.

You got to be kidding me.

I am so sorry, Tariq.

It's whatever.

I'll mix in my own shredded cheese.

I'll just need about 5,000 pounds, bags,

I'm sorry, 5,000 bags of Happy Farms Colby Jack.

A recall alert is for bags of shredded cheese.

This impacts about 5,000 pounds, bags, I'm sorry, 5,000 bags of Happy Farms Colby Jack.

Fine. No cheese.

I'll just check my, uh, pantry for Texas Pete hot sauce, pardon me.

Check your pantry for Texas Pete hot sauce, pardon me.

I...

Come on!

You seem to be stumbling over your words, Tariq.

It's just because I'm stressed, man.

I also got to buy a new car seat for my kid this weekend.

Oh, yeah? What kind?

A Sybex, a 10G, and a 10G swivel chair...

swivel car seat.

Sorry, that was a mouthful.

Recall alert this morning.

Sybex says they're atin-G and atin-G swivel chair...

swivel car seat.

Sorry, that was a mouthful.

Yeah.

All right, Tariq Trotter, everyone.

Tariq Trotter. I'm sorry.

That's terrible.

I'm so sorry. That's terrible.

I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

Well, this is exciting news.

This might cheer you up, but this weekend is Coachella.

Yeah, I love Coachella.

It looks like an urban outfitter suddenly sprang to life.

Well, I don't know if you guys know this, but between acts at Coachella, there's a hype man to keep the audience energized, and he's here tonight to show you guys how it's done.

Please welcome, via satellite,

Coachella hype man, DJ Sweat Lodge.

You guys ready? Are you ready to get pumped?

Yeah.

All right, all right, all right.

When I say, Co, you say, Chella. Co.

Chella. Co.

Chella. All right, all right. Yeah.

Now, when I say, Party, you say, How hard?

Party. How hard?

Party. How hard?

Party. How hard?

Okay, okay, okay.

Now, when I say, $60 parking, you say, Why didn't you tell us?

$60 parking.

Why didn't you tell us?

$60 parking.

Why didn't you tell us?

All right, all right, all right.

Now, when I say, I'll pay for parking, you say, You buy the drinks.

Here we go. I'll pay for parking.

You buy the drinks.

I'll pay for parking.

You buy the drinks.

I'll pay for parking.

You buy the drinks.

Okay, all right now. Okay, okay.

Now, when I say, Drinks will be more than $60, plus you still owe gas money, you say,

Sorry, but my parents don't pay my rent, so I work for a living.

You should try it sometime.

Here we go.

Drinks will be more than $60, plus you still owe gas money.

Sorry, but my parents, I work for a living.

You should try to work sometime.

All right, all right, all right.

All right. Now, hold up.

Hold up now.

When I say, I forgot to go to the bank, so can we just use your cash?

All right, just stop right now.

That's enough. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

D.J.

D.J. Sweat Lodge, everybody.

There he is. D.J. Sweat Lodge.

It's very interesting how they do it.

And finally, I heard that KFC just introduced a fried chicken-flavored toothpaste, and it sold out immediately.

Yeah, that was Trump's executive order after Better Shower Heads.

We have a great show.

Jon Hamm is here.

Patrick Schwarzenegger is joining us.

Hannah Birder and Paige DeSorbo are here.

And we got music from Alex Warren.

Stick around. We're playing charades when we come back, everybody.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!