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  • [theme music playing]

  • RENFIELD: Master, no!

  • N-n-n-- sorry, Master!

  • -How many times have I told you, Renfield?

  • You feed me one more cup of tomato juice

  • and I will throw it in your face.

  • -Master, I--

  • -I don't want excuses!

  • I want fresh blood.

  • -I am sorry, Master, but the paper boy got wise to my traps.

  • -Dad, you promised to be careful.

  • Do I need to spell it out for you?

  • M-O-B.

  • -I am Count Dracula, not Spell Dracula.

  • -M-O-B spells angry peasant mob howling for your dust.

  • -I know that, but I'm bored.

  • Vladey, tomorrow you shall stay home from school

  • and entertain me.

  • Invite your village friends over.

  • We'll play murder in the dark.

  • -For the last time, no.

  • If you need entertaining, get a TV.

  • -You want me to stare at a glass box all day?

  • I'd rather be dead-- and I am.

  • And I love it.

  • No television and that's final.

  • -If we get to do evil stuff, I'll stay home with you.

  • -Well, it's settled.

  • I shall buy a television.

  • You, go barter with the peasants for their finest television.

  • And you, clear up this mess.

  • -Why can't Vlad do it?

  • It's because he's a boy, isn't it?

  • -No.

  • It's because he's my son.

  • He's my future, my hopes, my dreams.

  • He is--

  • -Going round to Robin's.

  • -Then I'm going, too, and you can't stop me.

  • -Fine.

  • Fine!

  • Just remember to polish my coffin when you get home.

  • -I can't believe you talked me into another vampire stake-out.

  • -We're slayers.

  • It's our duty to fight the forces of darkness--

  • -Shh!

  • They're coming out.

  • SLAYER: Off to commit evil deeds, no doubt.

  • -Or maybe they're just going to hang out with mates.

  • -What a great idea.

  • -Oh, no.

  • -You're in Vlad's class.

  • You must befriend him, gain his trust.

  • One day, the mask will slip and then

  • it's out with the garlic and stakes.

  • -You want me to invite him around for dinner?

  • -Sometimes, I think your heart just

  • isn't in the slaying business.

  • -O-of course it is, dad.

  • It's just that, well, what if I was

  • to try and get close to Ingrid, instead?

  • -I knew you were a chip off the old stake.

  • -Hey, Robin, do you want to smell my flower?

  • -Do I look stupid?

  • -Just play along.

  • We're trying to win "You've Been Shamed."

  • You could be on telly.

  • -Great.

  • I'm gagging to embarrass myself in front of my friends.

  • -How many times?

  • You haven't got any friends.

  • -Robin?

  • Your friends are here.

  • -Ingrid!

  • Knew you couldn't keep away.

  • -Ignore the freak.

  • we're going to make you a star.

  • -What do you mean "make"?

  • -You know the TV show "You've Been Shamed?"

  • -No.

  • -Uh, well, people make funny movies and send them in.

  • -The top prize is 1,000 pound.

  • -And we're going to win it with you as our leading lady.

  • -Have either of you two clowns ever made a movie before?

  • -We've been creating movies for years.

  • -Yeah?

  • -They mean they filmed our family holidays

  • on dad's crapped out old camcorder.

  • -Cinematic masterpieces.

  • -10 years of Branaugh holidays.

  • Merthyr Tydfil, [inaudible], oh, I forgot about this one.

  • Transylvania.

  • What?

  • -1994, holiday in Bistritz, Transylvania.

  • -That's just a few miles from our old castle.

  • -I don't remember going to Transylvania.

  • -Ah, it was years ago.

  • -Put it on.

  • Put it on.

  • CHILD (ON VIDEO): Dad said I could play with this, not you!

  • CHILD 2 (ON VIDEO): Yes, I can! [inaudible]

  • FATHER (ON VIDEO): Silly lads, it's not a toy.

  • CHILD 2 (ON VIDEO): Give me the camera, back, smelly--

  • MOTHER (ON VIDEO): Come on, boys, don't fight.

  • INGRID: Spielberg must be panicking so much right now.

  • -I can't believe I'd been to Transylvania and never knew.

  • You're so lucky to have lived there.

  • I'd give anything to switch lives with you.

  • That's it.

  • VLAD: What?

  • -You don't fit in to your family.

  • I don't fit in to mine.

  • I was in your village with I was a baby.

  • What if me and you were like accidentally swapped around?

  • -Look, I know you think you don't fit in,

  • but that's just because you're individual,

  • not because you're a vam-- a Vlad.

  • -It would explain a lot, though.

  • -Well, I'm convinced.

  • -When you moving out?

  • -Master, why don't you let me entertain you?

  • -Because I don't think I could survive yet

  • another hour of your Transylvanian twist.

  • -Hmm, are you sure?

  • Huh?

  • I've made a new sparkly leotard.

  • -Now, let's see what mindless trash

  • passes for entertainment these days.

  • Up a bit.

  • Left a bit.

  • Just right.

  • -Master, I think you should know that I am in agonizing pain.

  • -Perfect.

  • Hold it there.

  • -Fantastic.

  • You got the TV.

  • We're finally normal.

  • -No son of mine is normal.

  • Vlad, you're banned from watching this thing.

  • It'll turn you int a weak-willed, sheep-like native.

  • Ingrid, you can watch it if you like.

  • -I hope you get hooked on that breather box.

  • -It'll have no effect on me.

  • I am incorruptible.

  • Watch this.

  • Boring, boring, boring.

  • Hmm.

  • VLAD: Morning, dad.

  • Dad?

  • Good old blood-free toast, the perfect breakfast.

  • -Has he been watching TV all night?

  • -Looks like it.

  • OK, dad, I'm off to school.

  • Bye, dad.

  • Bye, Vlad.

  • See ya.

  • -I thought you were incorruptible.

  • -Shh!

  • Quiet.

  • Sheila is about to find out if Edna is really her daughter.

  • -Well doesn't she know?

  • -Of course not, you foolish girl.

  • She has amnesia.

  • DOCTOR (ON TV): Here are the results

  • of your DNA test, Mrs. Scott.

  • I'm sorry to tell you Edna is not your daughter.

  • -[gasp]

  • DOCTOR (ON TV): However, I am your son!

  • -Oh.

  • -Oh!

  • -Well, I didn't see that one coming.

  • -Of course not, because it's really far-fetched and stupid.

  • -Oh just go to school, Ingrid!

  • -I don't believe this.

  • You love that TV more than your children.

  • -Of course I don't.

  • I just love TV more than my daughter.

  • -[sigh]

  • -Have you eaten plenty of garlic?

  • -Yes, dad.

  • -Good.

  • And what do you say if she invites

  • you up to see her coffin? -[inaudible] Can I go now?

  • -Wait, wait.

  • I, uh, I got you these.

  • You're a slayer now, my son.

  • -Yeah.

  • Thanks.

  • -OK, how about this?

  • Bistritz beer festival, 1994.

  • My parents drink too much ale and push away the wrong pram.

  • That's possible, right?

  • -Umm.

  • -Just think about it, that's all.

  • -OK.

  • Can I stop now?

  • I'm starting to worry about you.

  • -Worry about yourself, snot.

  • -What have I done now?

  • -You made dad buy that TV.

  • Thanks to you, I'm now his third favorite.

  • -Oh come on, sis.

  • You know that's not true. You forgot about Renfield.

  • That makes you fourth favorite.

  • [laughing]

  • IAN: Ingrid!

  • -What!

  • -Uh, don't you want your homework?

  • -Oh.

  • Yeah, thanks.

  • I'm sorry I snapped.

  • It's just my brother.

  • He really bugs me.

  • -Uh, don't worry about it.

  • -Yeah, we understand.

  • -You do?

  • -Yeah.

  • -You have met Robin?

  • He's delusional.

  • He keeps going on about how he was swapped at birth.

  • -Shame he wasn't.

  • That'd solve all our problems.

  • -Yes.

  • Yes, it would, wouldn't it?

  • It really would.

  • Thank you.

  • I owe you. IAN: In that case--

  • PAUL: Will you be in our movie?

  • -Yeah, whatever.

  • -Safe.

  • -We'll see you later, then.

  • -Ingrid, um, uh, I couldn't help overhearing that you let

  • the twins do your homework for you.

  • -So tell the Head Mistress.

  • See if I care.

  • -Oh, no, th-that's not what I meant.

  • If you ever want something done probably, just ask.

  • -As if.

  • Actually, there is something you can do for me.

  • Meet me in the library after school.

  • Oh, come on!

  • You could have written The Lord of the Rings by now.

  • -What's the rush?

  • It's only homework, isn't it?

  • -It's kind of more like an evil plot to destroy my brother.

  • -Oh, OK.

  • Um, why?

  • -Well you see, with Vlad gone, I get the lot.

  • The castle, the coffins, my father's love.

  • -See?

  • You're not evil at all.

  • You just want your dad to understand you.

  • -How did you know?

  • -Believe me, I know what it's like.

  • -You know, I'm sensing a real connection here.

  • So it's a shame I've got to kill you.

  • -Wha?

  • Kill-kill me?

  • Why?

  • -It's a vampire thing.

  • Kind of what we do.

  • -You're a vampire?

  • -Yep.

  • Now this is going to hurt a lot.

  • I'll just hypnotize you so you don't scream.

  • -C-can't you just hypnotize me so I'll forget

  • that we ever had this conversation?

  • -Oh, right.

  • Nice plan.

  • Blood-splattered clothes are so 1600s.

  • Ingrid is not a vampire.

  • Everything is perfectly normal.

  • And sort your hair out.

  • -What?

  • -Hello, Mr. Count.

  • Is Ingrid in?

  • -Who knows, who cares.

  • I'm missing important television.

  • -But she promised to star in our film.

  • -Your film?

  • How can you make a film?

  • IAN: It's for a competition.

  • -"You've Been Shamed."

  • -The winning entries get shown on national TV.

  • -You mean you can make your own television

  • and win fame and glory and the peasants

  • will worship and fear you?

  • -Uh, sort of.

  • -Do you want to help us?

  • -No.

  • I'm going to steal your idea and enter the competition myself.

  • Hm-hm.

  • -Why do I have to do this stupid job, anyway?

  • -Because we have camera men and makeup girls.

  • Now get dabbing.

  • Script-editing lackey, come here.

  • Right, let's run through the script.

  • So, Renfield enters with a big bowl of blood.

  • -A big cream cake.

  • -And he trips on a carelessly abandoned coffin lid.

  • -A skateboard.

  • -With hilarious results.

  • Right.

  • I think we're ready for a take.

  • Makeup girl.

  • -Ingrid!

  • Ingrid!

  • -Yes, daddy?

  • -You and I are going to have to have a long, frank discussion

  • about job satisfaction after you've cleaned up this mess.

  • -OK, dad.

  • What's this?

  • Top secret.

  • This diary belongs to Magda Westenra.

  • -That's your mother's private diary.

  • Give it to me.

  • Give it to me.

  • Private.

  • This means you, County.

  • If I ever find out you've read this,

  • I will twist your-- [clears throat]--

  • until you what?!

  • I think maybe we should honor your mother's privacy.

  • -Nah. INGRID: Let me read it, dad.

  • I'll find a good bit.

  • [clears throat] July 7, 1994-- the Count is driving me mad.

  • He is so sexist.

  • He ignores our beautiful, brilliant daughter

  • and spends all his time with Vladimir.

  • He says women just don't have what

  • it takes to be successful vampires.

  • MAGDA (VOICEOVER): But I will show him.

  • I will swap Vladimir with a baby from the boring British family

  • who is staying in the village.

  • They will take him far away to Britain,

  • and the Count will bring their baby up as his own.

  • Then, we will see who has got what it takes.

  • [laughter]

  • INGRID: Ha, ha, ha.

  • RENFIELD (LAUGHING): Mistress Magda

  • always enjoyed a good laugh.

  • -Vlad, my boy-- you're not my boy!

  • -I knew it.

  • I knew it!

  • I was on holiday in Transylvania 12 years ago.

  • I must be your son.

  • Father.

  • -Listen to yourselves.

  • You sound like a bad soap plot.

  • -I think it sounds like a good soap plot.

  • -Yeah, right.

  • Dad, you don't believe him?

  • Do you?

  • -Tell me more about this holiday in Transylvania.

  • RENFIELD: Uh, if I might make a suggestion?

  • We should settle this as they do on that TV-- with a DNA test.

  • -What's a DNA test?

  • -It's a scientific way of finding

  • out if people are related.

  • -Related?

  • I'm your son, dad.

  • -Proceed with the test.

  • [thunder]

  • -So, first I'll need a skin sample.

  • -Um, you could just use a spatula.

  • -I suppose.

  • [maniacal laughter]

  • -Are we all ready to spin the wheel of DNA?

  • -If this is science, I'm a banana.

  • -Shut it before I peel you, clever clogs.

  • This is Transylvanian science.

  • Much more accurate than boring British science.

  • -And it's entertaining.

  • Spin the wheel.

  • -[sigh] There we go.

  • Robin was your son all along.

  • Ooh, what a revelation.

  • Can I have Vlad's room?

  • -No, you can't.

  • I'm having Vlad's room.

  • Right, dad?

  • -Robin, I thought you were supposed to be Vlad's friend.

  • -Real vampires don't have friends.

  • -I like this boy already.

  • -Vlad?

  • Are you OK?

  • -[sigh] I can't believe it.

  • I don't know what to do.

  • -Well you can start by clearing out my room.

  • -My room.

  • -Children, children.

  • This is no time to argue.

  • Just get this impostor out of my castle.

  • -Dad!

  • -Apparently not.

  • ZOLTAN: I thought this would please you, Master Vladimir.

  • Haven't you always wanted to be normal?

  • -It's not that.

  • It's dad-- I mean, Count Dracula.

  • I never thought he could be so horrible.

  • -The name might have given you a clue.

  • You ready to pack me now?

  • -Wait.

  • I want you to stay and look after my so-called friend,

  • Robin, for me.

  • Really look after him, if you know what I mean.

  • -I'm surprised, Master Vlad.

  • I thought you'd want me to make his life a living hell.

  • -I was being ironic, Zoltan.

  • It's a breather thing.

  • It's a breather thing.

  • -How did it go with Ingrid today?

  • -Ingrid is not a vampire.

  • Everything is perfectly normal.

  • -What did she say to you, exactly?

  • -Ingrid is not a vampire.

  • Everything is perfectly normal.

  • -Good garlic, the lad's been hypnotized.

  • Jonathan, look at me.

  • -Hey, dad.

  • What's with the finger thing?

  • -You've been hypnotized, son.

  • -Hypnotized?

  • I think I would have remembered.

  • -No, you wouldn't.

  • That's the point.

  • Now concentrate-- can you remember

  • talking to Ingrid today?

  • -No.

  • -I knew it.

  • Hypnotism's an old vampire mind trick

  • only highly-trained slayers like myself can resist.

  • But no vampire hypnotizes my son and gets away with it.

  • -This is going to involve wooden pointy things, isn't it?

  • -You betcha.

  • Tomorrow, we're going slaying again.

  • I like your new hair style.

  • COUNT DRACULA: We'll call this one, "Robin's First Flight."

  • -He doesn't stay in the air very long, Master.

  • -So we'll run it in slow motion.

  • You're doing very well, my boy.

  • Look at that, he's losing his reflection already.

  • -Master, this son is no improvement on the last one.

  • -Ignore him, father.

  • He's just jealous.

  • I know I'm a better vampire that Vlad.

  • Let me prove it.

  • -How?

  • -Master, there was one thing that Master Vlad

  • would never do.

  • (WHISPERING) He would never let you bite the local peasants.

  • -Mm, an excellent idea.

  • You will catch me a nice, juicy local for my dinner.

  • -You can't hang out there.

  • People will think you're homeless.

  • Oh, that's right, you are.

  • -Don't you think you upset him enough?

  • -It's a good start, but I can do better.

  • -Very convenient the way you "found" that diary.

  • -I thought so.

  • Well, the good news is, dad loves Robin.

  • How does it feel to be fifth favorite?

  • -I'm sorry, Ingrid.

  • -What?

  • -I didn't realize how bad it felt when dad ignored you.

  • -Feeling guilty, Cruella?

  • -Of course not.

  • I'm a vampire.

  • I've got no conscious.

  • -And no taste in lipstick, either.

  • -What do I do, Zoltan?

  • -You have two choices, Robin.

  • You can kidnap a peasant and go to prison for a very long time,

  • or you can disobey the Count and be sent away like poor Vlad.

  • Poor, rejected, lonely Vlad.

  • -Alright, Zoltan.

  • Enough.

  • I'm going to do the right thing.

  • -Good.

  • You're going to admit that you're not a vampire

  • and let Vlad come home.

  • -No.

  • I'm going to play along and hope something

  • turns up in the nick of time.

  • -Don't know what you're grinning about.

  • [knocking]

  • -Mom wants to know if you're staying again tonight.

  • -Yeah.

  • Tonight and the rest of my life.

  • -Vlad, I just know Ingrid faked that diary.

  • -It wasn't her writing.

  • -But was it your mum's?

  • -You know, I've never seen my mum's writing.

  • Sh-she was away all those years.

  • -Well, she must have written once.

  • Right, we're going up to the castle.

  • There must be a letter from Magda somewhere.

  • [organ music]

  • COUNT DRACULA: Renfield!

  • Well done, Robin!

  • It's nice to see someone around here making an effort.

  • -All we need now is your victim, Master Robin.

  • -Oh give it up, dad.

  • They're out.

  • Can we go home now?

  • -[sigh] I suppose so.

  • It was unlocked.

  • Typical vampire arrogance.

  • -Or maybe they're just normal people who don't expect slayers

  • to barge in waving stakes and mallets.

  • -Maybe.

  • OK, grab your stake and mallet.

  • Let's barge in.

  • -Oh dad, please can we just check they're actually

  • vampires before we totally embarrass ourselves?

  • -What do you suggest?

  • -I'll go in first.

  • If I see any vampires, I'll give you a shout.

  • -Your first solo slaying.

  • I'm proud of you, son.

  • -I am so looking forward to this.

  • -Father, about me being your son.

  • -Yes, yes.

  • You're doing very well.

  • Now this juicy peasant, will he be here soon?

  • -Umm, how about an aperitif?

  • -Mm.

  • [sniff] How many times do I have to say it?

  • I hate this stuff.

  • Mm.

  • -You are vampires.

  • -And you are dinner.

  • -No!

  • Leave him alone!

  • -Dad, help!

  • Help!

  • -[growling] Huh?

  • VLAD: Cut!

  • OK, people, that's a wrap!

  • -What's going on?

  • -Just our entry for "You've Been Shamed."

  • -Y-yeah.

  • We're making a vampire movie.

  • VLAD: A comedy vampire movie.

  • -What rubbish.

  • -Dad, look!

  • They were making a movie.

  • [cough] We'll be off, then, too, won't we, dad?

  • -Yes.

  • -Eh, not so fast.

  • Who are you, anyway?

  • -I'm Vlad's woodwork teacher.

  • I, um, came to do a woodwork inspection.

  • Yes, everything seems to be in order.

  • Good day.

  • They're vampires, Jonathan.

  • And one day I'll prove it.

  • -Dad, it was just costumes and makeup.

  • I mean, did you see that guy playing the servant?

  • As if anyone is really that ugly.

  • -My dear boy, your clever excuse saved me

  • from that very small mob.

  • -Does this mean I can be your son again?

  • -Vladey, if you love a boy like a son, then he is your son.

  • -Oh, thanks, dad.

  • -Unfortunately, I only love Robin,

  • because he is my real son and heir.

  • INGRID: Um actually, he isn't.

  • -What?

  • But the diary.

  • -Yeah, I totally faked it.

  • It's been bugging me all day.

  • I couldn't stop thinking about it.

  • -I knew you had a conscience.

  • -No.

  • It's just that he was so glad to be a vampire,

  • I couldn't stand the thought that I made someone so happy.

  • -Vladey, my boy, you are my boy.

  • -So I'm not a vampire after all?

  • But I was so sure.

  • -I know.

  • You were selfish, you betrayed your friends,

  • you were totally inhuman.

  • -You mean--

  • -Just because you aren't a vampire

  • doesn't mean you can't be evil.

  • -Thanks, Vlad.

  • You're my best mate, you know that, don't you?

  • -Robin, I'm your only mate.

  • -Exactly.

  • -So after all our adventures, everything's back to normal.

  • Just like on TV.

  • -Wait a minute, what about that DNA test?

  • -What can I say?

  • I just don't like you.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Such drama, such timing.

  • I'm a cinematic genius.

  • -I can't believe they actually showed it.

  • -Master, I think I've had enough now.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Just one more zap, son?

[theme music playing]

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