that tweens and lonely moms have been waiting for,

and that dads could not care less about

Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Parts 1 & 2)

The tedious book that was turned into two bloated movies just to squeeze more money

from gullible women.

Featuring the wedding that attempts to justify the franchise's creepy

pedophilia.

Because remember, he's like a hundred years old and she's still a

teenager.

And the honeymoon where Mouth Breather and Shovel Face finally have sex...

only to immediately get pregnant.

"I'm late."

Prompting the pro-life message that abortion is never okay...

"The fetus isn't good for Bella."

"Say the word, Alice: 'baby'."

even when a monster vampire baby tries to eat itself out of its mother's womb.

"Ahhhhhh!"

And creating an awful new baby name for an entire generation of Teen

Moms.

"Renesmee."

"Renesmee."

"Is he weird?"

Witness, Teen Wolf finally getting over Dead Eyes by instead falling in love with her creepy

CGI baby.

"So should I start calling you dad?"

"No."

Gross.

But when Mouthbreather nearly dies during childbirth, Shovel Face

must transform her from a human who can't act...

"Why can't you see how perfectly happy I am?"

to a vampire who can't act.

"You nicknamed my daughter after the Lochness monster!?"

Honestly, even the movie had to teach her how to act human.

"Blink at least three times a minute."

"Good."

Brace yourself, for two movies so unnecessarily long, that they include

five Volvo commercials

two montages of the previous Twilight movies

four games of chess

and the most

stares

ever.

Like seriously, ever... we counted.

Suffer through four hours of painfully stupid characters,

like this pack of dogs who bark English

The Cullens, who spend every movie standing around watching people

A grandfather who doesn't notice that his own grandaughter has aged

eight years over the course of a few months.

And Kristen Stewart, and her inability to use toothpaste.

Filmmaking so lazy that vampires no longer sparkle even in direct sunlight

Sex ed is done through Yahoo searches

And the ultimate climax of all five movies...

...was all a dream.

"That's your future."

...what a ripoff.

Starring...

Shovel Face

Skeletor

Taylor Swift

Ron Burgundy

North Dakota

and Snow Dogs.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn

So he's gonna have to live with Kristen Stewart forever? I'd rather get my head

ripped off.

Hey, why not do us a solid and revisit all 4 Twilight trailers.

I'll be your best friend!