Young Dracula - BBC Series - Season 2 Ep 2 "The Yanks are Coming"

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[theme music]
-[laughter]
A good night's slaughter, little brother.
-75 peasants.
[burp]
And I haven't finished yet.
-Bravo!
-I got myself a take away.
[cowering]
[laughter]
I can't wait to see that bother of mine.
He's been in America for far too long.
And I bet his children know what real evil is.
-And that's because their dad's a real vampire.
-Dad, you are going to behave yourself
when Uncle Ivan gets here, aren't you?
Remember, no peasant hunting.
-Oh no, Vlad.
The moment Ivan arrives, we're going
to paint this town very, very red.
[laughter]
-Maybe I should tell mum to get Bingo on this.
-What are we going to do, Robin?
Between my dad and Ivan, they're going
to rip the throats out of half of Stokely tonight.
-Maybe Ivan's changed.
My dad was a right [inaudible] when he was younger.
-Your dad.
-Yeah.
Mum said his library books were always overdue.
-I'm afraid you're clutching at straws.
Even now my stuffing runs cold thinking
of Ivan and his cruelty.
Saturdays were the worst.
That was the throw the hellhounds off
the battlements day.
-[groan]
I don't why we're getting dressed up.
My cousin's going to think I'm a real geek.
Oh, very funny.
[haunting noise]
-What just happened?
-It's the castle playing tricks.
Once dad's lived somewhere a while,
it takes on his evil personality.
DRACULA:Vladimer!
-I've got to go.
-Ah!
[growl]
-Don't start with me, all right?
[growl]
[creak]
-[snoring]
[grunt]
Jonno, I told you never to wake me like that.
-There's something going on up at the castle.
-What?
-I don't know.
Dad!
I can sense it.
Here.
-Like a twisted feeling.
You know what this means?
-We shouldn't have eaten that Chinese?
-No.
You've got it.
The Slayer's instinct.
It's--
[sniff]
It's what separates the great ones from the rest.
Jonno, I'm proud of you, son.
-Hope it's not just wind.
[fart]
-Well, he's Ivan the Terrible, all right.
Ivan the Terrible time keeper.
Where is he?
-Evil as great as his cannot be hurried.
-Well, perhaps he's decided not to come.
Warmoth's nice this time of year.
-Silence!
[sniffing]
He approaches.
Children, prepare to meet your uncle-- Ivan the Bloodthirsty,
devourer of souls and blackhearted butcher of--
-Yo, big bro!
Come and give me a hug.
-Ivan?
-The name's Harvey now.
Ivan's so old country, don't you think?
-But you're different.
You've-- you've-- you've got a suntan!
-It's out of a bottle.
But it gets rid of that pasty look
mom and pop were so fond of.
You should try some!
Guys, you've got to be Vlad, Ingrid.
High fives!
OK, maybe later.
Meet your cousin.
Olga!
Mean
-Your grace.
-Charming.
-Yuck.
Please.
-And this is Boris.
Heh heh.
He has a few personal contact issue.
He's shy.
-Great Another loser.
-Silence, Ingrid, or I shall feed you to the gargoyle.
Anyway, time's wasting, brother.
You must be hungry!
Let's go hunt some peasant.
-Ah.
Heh heh.
There's no easy way to break this to you, bro.
I don't do present anymore.
Gave up the red stuff a while ago.
Blood free since '93.
I drink soy substitute.
All of the goodness and none of the badness.
-Oh, I see it now!
This is all some terrible joke!
[laughter]
-[nervous laughter]
-[cackling]
-Isn't it, Ivan?
-I'm sorry, bro.
And it's Harvey.
-I can't reach the next foothold.
-Close your eyes, Jonno.
Put your trust in that instinct of yours.
-Ah!
-It's just a matter of practice.
Quick.
Take cover!
-Take our guests in and cancel the feast.
We'll eat tomorrow!
SERVANT: Yes, master.
-Son, your instincts were right.
They're going to feast on those so-called guests.
-What are we going to do?
-We're going to save them.
-Help!
Help!
Help, it's-- it's trying to kill me.
-I only said, good evening, Master Boris.
-Boris, this is Zoltan.
He's just my stuffed wolf.
ZOLTAN: Stuffed hellhound, if you don't mind.
-See?
-He's about as lethal as a fluffy cushion.
-Ha.
Can a fluffy cushion do this?
[growl]
-You're not helping.
You OK now?
-Are you kidding?
This skanky old castle is totally creeping me out.
Your driver has, like, boils.
And you don't even have cable.
-I'm sorry.
We're not all lucky enough to be living
blood-free in a beach side condo.
-Lucky?
I'm turning 16 next week and I still
have to go through my-- "transformation."
That's not lucky.
-Transformation.
So that's why you're here.
Why did your dad tell you about it?
-Not enough.
I keep having nightmares where they lock me in a room
and this huge black snake eats its way out
of my head through my ear, sucks up my brain, and takes me over.
-Or maybe they'll just give you a certificate.
-Yeah, right.
-Fun being a vampire, isn't it?
-You yanks are such a letdown.
Shift.
-Kiss my cape.
-I see.
-The Miss Goody Twoshoes routine is just an act.
Pathetic.
-You're the one who's pathetic.
The count can't bear you, but he already
thinks that I'm charming.
And so does my dad, which is exactly where I want him.
Because when I'm 16 and I get my powers, bam.
He's history and I take over.
-Yeah, well, you don't scare me.
-No?
I ought to.
I could make your life a misery around here.
Uncle Count, I went [inaudible] fang.
Would you like me to show Ingrid how?
-Stupid.
I'll just tell them all what you're really like.
-Go ahead.
Who will believe you?
You're the nasty one and I'm nice.
Now get off my bed.
[ding]
-Hi, Ingrid!
Did your cousin [inaudible] I'll let myself in, then.
[growl]
-Uh, and you're saying that my dad just
used to pick you up and throw you off the battlements?
-One-handed.
-Heh.
Hm.
[grunting]
-[sigh]
-Do you want a hand?
-No.
I'm fine.
-[sigh]
Uh?
-[groaning]
-And this is the son of Ivan the Bloodthirsty?
-It's Harvey now.
-Apologies, master.
Please don't rip out my intestines
and throw them to the rats.
-Why would I do that?
-You used to.
-[laughter]
Old days, old ways, my friend.
Come on, Boris.
Time we did some prep for your transformation.
-Maybe later, dad.
-Now, Boris.
Hey, Vlad.
How you doing?
-I'm fine.
-Really?
Come on, shoot.
What's on your mind?
-Well, you know you live blood-free.
-Yeah?
-Can all vampires do it?
-You betcha.
It's all about finding inner peace.
Why?
You interested?
-Oh, definitely.
For the first time, I can sort of imagine becoming a vampire.
The whole blood thing is not me.
The only problem is--
-My brother?
-He's not big on inner peace.
But--
-I could convert him?
He's a tough cookie.
But I'm always ready to spread the word.
Why don't we work on them together?
I bet this time next week, we'll have him sipping soil blood
Martinis in a pair of Bermuda shorts.
[steel drum music]
-I think it may take a bit longer than a week.
-I thought we agreed.
That's my bed.
-Yeah, well I-- I've changed my mind.
Tell me again about that plan to slaughter your dad
and take over the family.
If I don't, are you going to hit me again?
-What?
-Oh no.
Ingrid, please don't.
-Stop it!
-Ow!
That really hurts!
Do you really think I'm that stupid I'll let you record me?
Don't try and fight me.
You ain't good enough.
-This isn't funny anymore.
Let me in!
Whoa!
Excellent.
I think.
Uh oh.
[deep laughter]
-So I said to the guy, give me two blood Martinis,
but hold the blood.
[laughter]
-Ah, breakfast, masters?
I've prepared a full selection of vermin.
Or if you prefer a lighter bite, a choice of rare birds.
And of course, my signature dish-- ow, oh, oh-- rancid fox.
-Oh, sorry.
Didn't I mention?
I'm vegetarian.
-I wasn't [inaudible] They're more gristle than meat.
-Are you deliberately trying to give me a blood ulcer?
I mean, what in the name of the Impaler has happened to you?
-I cleaned up my act, bro.
I had to.
I was out of control, draining 50 peasants a day.
I tried everything to cut down-- patches hypnotherapy.
Nothing worked.
Then I met a bunch of new age werewolves.
-Why does it always have to be werewolves?
-Dad.
-They told me if I'd eat good, I'd do good.
I never felt better.
And you know what?
I made a fortune selling real estate.
The old hypnosis trick makes us Draculas pretty good salesman.
It's a little sneaky for the new you, isn't it?
-I haven't changed that much.
-Dad, this is the 21st century.
All the cool vampires are living blood-free.
And I was thinking perhaps, possibly
maybe you could give it a try.
-Maybe.
Maybe we could live in a little cottage
and eat nuts and grow daffodils.
Never!
-[sigh]
Well, that went well.
-Don't worry.
There's more than one way to skin a cat.
And I should know.
I skinned a few.
-OK, Operation Rescue ready to go.
Final equipment check.
Stakes.
-Check.
-Body armor.
-Check.
-Emergency flares.
-Check.
Ham sandwiches with a hint of pickle.
-Check.
Oops.
-Oh, great.
-[growl]
-[scream]
-[deep laughter]
-[whistling]
-Go away!
I need some peace and quiet.
-Right you are.
I'll-- I'll sprinkle my filth later.
-What is the meaning of this?
Hey, vampire.
Just say no.
10 steps to a blood-free life?
-Master Vlad and your brother been
leaving those over in the castle.
-Ivan always could charm the birds from the trees
before horribly mutilating them.
And now he's turning my own son against me.
-Oh.
There, there, master.
Your old Renfield's here.
-What are you doing?
-Comforting you?
-Well, don't.
[ambient music]
-This South American mood stone measures
the tension in the room.
Blue is cool.
Red is stressed.
That's good, guys.
You're doing well.
DRACULA: Ivan!
[bang]
-You.
-Yo, big bro.
Come and join us.
It's good for the soul.
-I don't have a soul, and neither should you.
Now stop poisoning my son's mind with this new age clap-trap.
Vladimir.
It is your destiny to become a fully
fledged, blood-sucking vampire.
-Vlad, take no notice.
The old ways are deader than he is.
-Vladimir, you will listen to me.
I am head of this family.
-Ah, just like when we were kids.
He's the boss just because he's the oldest.
When we played victim and vampire,
I always had to be the victim.
-Aw.
But at least I wasn't a little snitch running off
to Nanny Clonsar every time I took your toy hearse away.
-Dad, stop it!
You can't fight the future.
Living blood-free is the only way we'll survive.
-[roar]
Survive?
I'll show you how we survive.
-Dad, no!
-Wow.
The way you stood up to him then was so impressive.
-Impressive.
Thanks to me, he's going to kill a breather.
I've ruined everything.
-Let's go through the plan once more.
Now, 2000 hours, you create a diversion.
-But dad, my instincts are telling me
the Count's left the castle.
We should go in know.
-No, Jonno.
-But Dad!
-Don't forget the first rule of slaying.
Always stick to the plan.
-I thought it was protect your family.
Sorry.
-Now, we creep round the back.
-Why?
Let's charge in through the front.
-No!
We lose the element of surprise.
The rule of slaying-- never lose the-- as I was saying,
the second rule of slaying-- never
use the element of surprise.
[wings flapping]
[wings flapping]
[wings flapping]
-Good evening, wench.
[screaming]
-Creep!
-Dad's not going to stop at one peasant, you know.
Once he gets the taste of blood, he's going to go on a rampage.
The butchers, the bakers.
And it's all your fault.
Dad!
Let me-- help you?
-Oh.
Well, thank you, Ingrid.
Now go away!
Villages just aren't safe anymore!
The peasant had some sort of infernal contraption
that's played havoc with my bat hearing.
-So you didn't actually bite.
DRACULA: No!
-Welcome to the modern era.
It's a dangerous place for vampires.
-If it hadn't have been a personal alarm,
it could have been pepper spray.
-Or a stun gun.
-It's not just peasants with flaming torches anymore.
-Living in the past is stressing you out big time.
I mean, you're just over 700?
-Six!
600!
-Whatever.
You look closer to 1,000.
-I can still turn a few heads.
-I'm not saying you're not good looking.
All us Drac guys have that in common, right?
But you go blood-free and those years will just fall away.
-[scoff]
Before you girl-guys break into a chorus of "Somewhere
Over the Rainbow," can I just say one thing?
Van Helsing.
-Van Who-sing?
-The local slayer.
He won't give up.
He'll never let dad live a normal life.
-Good point, Ingrid.
-Well, Uncle Harvey.
You can talk to Van Helsing.
-Fantastic idea, Vlad.
You think you can do that, little brother?
-Sure.
I'll go see this slayer.
And if I convince him to hang up his stake,
you go blood-free, right?
-Agreed.
-No!
-Yes.
-I don't suppose you've got a sandwich in there, have you?
I'm starving.
-Me too.
-[scream]
-[deep laugh]
-Hey.
Easy there, little buddy.
Great night for a walk, isn't it?
-That doesn't look good.
-Are you really going to give up centuries of pure evil
to become a [inaudible] peasant-hugger?
-Yes he is.
-Oh no he's not.
-Huh?
-My brother has never been able to resist
the blood of a slayer.
So to send him down there was inspired, Vlad.
Two minutes with Van Helsing and he'll be draining him dry.
-It's win-win!
I get rid of the slayer and I get
my blood sucking brother back.
-Neat
-What?
-Dad, you are brilliant.
-You're wrong about Uncle Harvey.
He won't go back to what he was. He's the future.
We've just delivered him right into Van Helsing's hands.
-Oh, don't worry about Ivan.
He can take care of himself.
-Vlad!
I think I just saw your uncle being
kidnapped by the Van Helsings.
-Happy now?
-[laughter]
-Good.
Here we go.
You're with friends.
Sorry about the rough stuff.
But you don't hang about at that castle.
-Who are you guys?
-Van Helsing.
This is my son, Jonathan.
-Ah, the slayers.
-You know about us?
-Of course.
My brother told me all about you.
-Your brother?
-Count Dracula.
I'm his little brother, Harvey.
How you doing?
Oh, come on.
Play nice.
You invited me in.
If I wanted to bite you, you'd both be
dried out corpses by now.
You see?
Now just sit down.
De-stress.
I could show you some very effective
relaxation techniques.
-What sort of vampire are you?
-The coolest bat you've ever known.
-And then I was really tiny.
Suit of armor.
What?
-Can we do this later?
My uncle is about to get staked.
-Touchy.
-Look.
Do you want to put the stake down?
-I'd rather not.
JONNO: So the Count's giving up blood.
-Certainly.
He wants to start a new, clean, normal life.
He's a changed man.
-He's not a man.
He's a vampire.
-You say to-mah-to, I say to-may-to.
Fact is, I've made him realize this whole feeding
on the living just isn't cool.
This is a win for you guys.
He's putting away his fangs.
-Why should we believe you?
-Dad, my instincts say he's telling the truth.
-Really?
-Smart kid.
What do you say?
End the feud and get on with your lives?
If you want to move stateside, I can
do you a great deal on a beach-side condo.
-Ow!
-Slayer's blood.
-Dad!
-Don't look at him, son.
-Uncle Harvey, no.
-The name is Ivan.
-Garlic!
-We'll be off then.
-Maybe my instinct needs a little work.
-I don't believe you.
You said living blood-free was our best chance.
-There was no blood-free.
It was a fantasy-- a deluded dream.
Tell him, Ivan!
-He's right.
This is sensational.
I haven't felt this undead in years.
There's only one way for us to live-- up to our eyes in blood!
Get used to it.
-[laughter]
Good to have you back.
-Daddy?
Go away, brat.
The men are talking.
-Welcome to my world.
Now go and make my bed before I dip you in the slime pit.
-I haven't forgotten that you helped
save that slayer, breather.
Maybe I should snack on you to make up for it.
-Leave him alone.
-We must celebrate!
Uh, Renfield!
Renfield!
Fetch us a case of vintage Hungarian royalty.
-Sounds good!
And isn't it Saturday?
Let's find some hellhounds we can throw off the battlements.
[laughter]
-Thanks, Vlad.
I'm sorry the blood-free thing didn't work out.
-That's the least of my worries.
With Ivan and dad back to gether,
things are going to get seriously scary around here.
-It's just like old times.
-See what I mean?