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  • [theme music]

  • -Hm.

  • What would master like for breakfast?

  • How does natural yogurt and shredded leech sound?

  • -Disgusting.

  • Have you got anything that doesn't contain blood?

  • -You are so not going to make it as a vampire.

  • -Well, what a night I've had.

  • Stop what you're doing, and prepare to be amazed.

  • -Have you got a job as a magician?

  • Oh, if you need an attractive assistant,

  • I look absolutely stunning in sequins.

  • -No, you idiots.

  • I've been out hunting.

  • It's time you got your fangs stuck in some proper grub.

  • -Ah, it's just a little baby rabbit.

  • -Oh, want something bigger, eh?

  • Well tomorrow I'll bring you a goat.

  • -I am not eating that.

  • It's alive.

  • -Oh, don't worry, Vlad.

  • Everybody gets first bite nerves.

  • You just need some practice until you're

  • old enough to start on the peasants.

  • Be a brave boy, and bite the bunny.

  • -I'm not biting the bunny.

  • I not biting anyone.

  • -You're a vampire.

  • Start acting like one!

  • -You should kick him out, Dad.

  • He's too soft.

  • -See Ingrid's vile.

  • Why can't you be like here?

  • -Because I like being me.

  • I like being nice.

  • -You see, this is what happens when

  • you try to raise a child on your own.

  • They turn out good.

  • -Oh, would you like me to beat him, master?

  • -No.

  • What this boy needs is something much more painful.

  • He needs a mother.

  • [pot clangs]

  • -But I've already got a mother.

  • -Yes, well, I mean one that doesn't run away

  • with a werewolf at the first sign of moonlight.

  • You need a step-mother, preferably evil.

  • -And who exactly are you planning on marrying?

  • -Hmm.

  • I shall find a bride the traditional way.

  • I shall throw a hunt ball.

  • -What's a hunt ball?

  • -A big, fancy party with ballroom dancing,

  • so Dad can waltz around window shopping for a wife.

  • -A vampire party.

  • Cool!

  • -And at midnight, instead of going home,

  • they start hunting peasants to feast on.

  • Well, after all that dancing, it's bound to make you peckish.

  • -Robin, it's not funny.

  • Dad's going to blow our cover.

  • -Vlad, you have to stop him.

  • -I am aware of that, Chloe, but how?

  • -Tell him about Van Helsing.

  • If he knows a slayer's in town, he'll have to call it off.

  • -You know, you two are real party poopers.

  • -Or invite even move vampires to have a showdown.

  • -Oh man.

  • That'd be awesome.

  • A boy can dream, can't he?

  • -I finally perfected my stake firing crossbow.

  • -I'm missing lunch so you could shoot plastic bats?

  • You're crazy.

  • -This isn't a plastic bat.

  • This is Count Dracula.

  • -Oh, I see.

  • You're not crazy, you're insane.

  • -I spotted a bat flying to and from the castle.

  • It must be the Count shape-shifting.

  • I'm going to blast him out of the sky.

  • -Oh.

  • Because it couldn't just be bats nesting inside the castle,

  • could it?

  • I know, it must be a man turning himself into a bat.

  • It's obvious.

  • -Pull.

  • -You do know bats are a protected species.

  • It's illegal to shoot them.

  • Pull.

  • You could get put in jail for this.

  • -Pull.

  • -I killed the Count. -Or put in a straitjacket.

  • -Right.

  • The guests will be greeted over here.

  • The drink table will go over there.

  • And you try to keep a low profile.

  • -Why are you helping?

  • Do you want a step-mother?

  • -What have I got to lose?

  • Mum's never here, and Dad doesn't like me.

  • At least this way I might find someone

  • who actually cares about me.

  • -Dad cares.

  • -Ingrid, I may have to sell you to pay for this party.

  • Ohh, what about Countess Lakushka?

  • -You can't marry her.

  • She killed her father with a garlic-flavored coffee.

  • -Hmm. Sounds perfect.

  • -Add her to the list.

  • -Dad, you don't have to do this.

  • I promise to be good.

  • I mean, bad.

  • -Ahh, say hello to the future Mrs. Dracula.

  • What a beauty!

  • Such pale, lifeless skin and fangs like icebergs.

  • We're definitely inviting her.

  • -Dad.

  • -Hm?

  • -That's a picture of Mum.

  • -It says she was at the Annual Werewolf Awards.

  • -Oh, I didn't mean her.

  • I meant her.

  • -That's her boyfriend.

  • ZOLTAN: He was nominated for Best Hair.

  • -Look, haven't you all go jobs to do, hmm?

  • -Dad, do you have invite all these vampires to Stokely?

  • You're just asking for us to be chased

  • out by an angry peasant mob.

  • [peasants yelling]

  • -Ah!

  • No, you're right, Vlad.

  • So instead of hunting the whole town,

  • we'll just invite a few peasants to the castle.

  • We'll let them lose at midnight, and the fun can begin.

  • -Oh, that's right.

  • Then if we're only draining a few locals who cares?

  • -Exactly.

  • Now Ingrid, we need healthy peasants,

  • fit and fast enough to make the chase fun.

  • -Don't worry, Dad.

  • I've got the perfect specimens in mind.

  • -Oh!

  • We've all been invited to a hunt ball at the castle.

  • -Oh, please say we can go.

  • -No!

  • I just really don't think we should go.

  • -Couldn't agree more.

  • -Oh, why?

  • It sounds like fun.

  • -I can think of a hundred things I'd

  • rather do on a Saturday night than prancing

  • around with a bunch of weirdos.

  • -Graham, we shouldn't make fun of the neighbors.

  • I say we all go and have a jolly good time.

  • -I'm going to ask Ingrid to dance with me.

  • -Me too.

  • -Hang on.

  • We don't know how to ballroom dance.

  • -Oh, you're father will teach you.

  • He does a mean tango.

  • -What?

  • Do you think plumbers can't dance?

  • -Does that mean we can go?

  • -Come on.

  • We'll start with a waltz.

  • -Aw, yes.

  • -Are you going to stand by and let

  • our family be used as refreshments?

  • -You're worrying over nothing.

  • We're perfectly safe.

  • The Count likes us.

  • -That's odd.

  • Under dress code it just says running shoes.

  • -Hm.

  • It's says here that bats can give you quite a nasty bite.

  • -And so can vampires.

  • -Dad, when are you going to realize there are no vampires.

  • -Vampires are real.

  • And they're nesting in that castle.

  • When I shoot down the Count, then you'll believe me.

  • -This is ridiculous.

  • I'm going to warn them they've got bats that need protecting.

  • -If you go up there, the only thing that will need protecting

  • is your neck.

  • -Give over!

  • -There's a lot to do before the guests arrive,

  • so I made us both a list of chores.

  • -Well, this is blank.

  • -Oop, whoops.

  • That one's mine.

  • This is yours.

  • -This is too much!

  • I don't have time!

  • -Oh, which reminds me, make sure you wind the big clock.

  • The hunt starts at midnight.

  • -Well, I can't-- oh!

  • [doorbell rings]

  • -Is Vlad in?

  • -Upstairs.

  • Make three gallons of leech and strawberry punch.

  • -Is Vlad in?

  • -You deaf?

  • Go find him yourself.

  • I'm too busy.

  • -All right.

  • No need to shout.

  • -Stew cockroaches!

  • I've got to make stew as well?

  • -I don't believe it.

  • You're the perfect specimens Ingrid was talking about.

  • -Specimen?

  • Don't you mean guests?

  • -At midnight a pact of hungry vampires

  • is going to tear you limb from limb.

  • -Get outta here.

  • You mean, the hunt ball really is a hunt ball.

  • -That what I've been trying to tell you.

  • -Ingrid really is evil.

  • -Hello?

  • Vlad?

  • Ingrid?

  • Anybody there?

  • VAN HELSING (VOICEOVER): Vampires are real.

  • And they're nesting in their castle.

  • -Quick Dad, wake up.

  • [thumping]

  • -Ahh!

  • Right.

  • That's it.

  • I'm getting a sound-proof coffin.

  • I am sick of being woken up in the middle of the day.

  • -Sorry, Dad, but it's an emergency.

  • -The dry cleaners have shrunk my cape.

  • -No.

  • Ingrid's invited the Branaughs to the ball.

  • They're bait.

  • -I know.

  • It's going to be fun.

  • -But vampires are going to chase us and suck out our blood.

  • COUNT DRACULA: But I thought you wanted to be a vampire.

  • It's better than being a stinking breather.

  • [sniffing]

  • -Fwah, and you really do reek today, Robin.

  • You're making this room smell like it's full of breathers.

  • -What about my family?

  • They don't want to be into vampires.

  • -Don't be so [inaudible] negative.

  • They'll look great in fangs.

  • Especially mine.

  • -(WHISPERING) Go on tell him about Mr. Van Helsing.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Uh, what about him?

  • -Well, Dad, you see the thing is Mr. Van

  • Helsing's not just a woodwork teacher.

  • He's also a vampire slayer.

  • [fart noise]

  • -Him?

  • A slayer?

  • As if.

  • Now get out of here.

  • I need my beauty sleep.

  • Go!

  • -You actually saw him in his coffin.

  • -We need to get away from here. Far away.

  • -Run away?

  • What are you crazy?

  • We got to get up to that castle and do our duty.

  • -But it's going to be swarming with vampires having a party.

  • -A party?

  • Oh, sweet joy, this is it.

  • The big one.

  • I've always dreamed of this moment, Jonno.

  • Me and you, out numbered, fighting shoulder

  • to shoulder against a blood-thirsty hoard

  • of vampires.

  • -I think I'm going to be sick.

  • -We've got to stop them from going to the ball.

  • It's our only chance.

  • -Congratulations, Robin.

  • I'm glad the penny has finally dropped.

  • Oh no!

  • What have I done?

  • -My dress!

  • Never mind, Mom.

  • I'm sure we can go next year.

  • Right, Vlad?

  • -Oh, you bet.

  • -Oh, well.

  • Isn't it lucky I decided to wear this instead?

  • -What if I lock us in and hide the keys?

  • -Do it!

  • -Hurry up.

  • Ingrid's here.

  • -Ingrid's checking my blood pressure.

  • Isn't that thoughtful?

  • -Just wanted to make sure you're fit and healthy for the dance.

  • -You're sick!

  • Sick!

  • Do you hear?

  • -Chloe, don't be so rude.

  • -120 over 60.

  • -Is that good?

  • -Perfect.

  • You could run for miles.

  • -Right, good.

  • -Don't panic.

  • The hunt doesn't start until midnight.

  • We've still got time.

  • -For what?

  • How are we going to stop a room full of thirsty vampires?

  • -Leave it with me.

  • -It's time.

  • Come one.

  • Let's go to school and get us some weapons and ammo.

  • We're going to need the full works.

  • Are you with me?

  • -Dad wait.

  • What if you don't make it back?

  • You're all I've got.

  • -Every man must choose his own destiny.

  • I've chosen mine.

  • It's time for you to choose yours.

  • -He stopped in his tracks immediately.

  • Too late.

  • -Ah, Elizabeth!

  • So glad you could make it.

  • -Oh, we wouldn't have missed it for the world.

  • Would we, Graham?

  • -Mm-hmm.

  • -Thank you so much for inviting us.

  • -You must stay until midnight.

  • I have something lined up that's to die for.

  • Please.

  • -OK.

  • here's you short list.

  • I recommend her, her, or her.

  • Well, what you waiting for?

  • Get out there and get talking to them.

  • -No, Ingrid.

  • They shall come to me, drawn by the power of my magnetic charm.

  • See?

  • What'd I tell you?

  • I'm irresistible.

  • Ah!

  • Magda!

  • -Hello darlings.

  • -Mum, what are you doing here?

  • -I want to know why your father's looking for a wife.

  • -It's time Vladimir had a proper mother.

  • -I'm a proper mother.

  • -You sent us jumpers at Christmas

  • made out of your boyfriend's fur.

  • -He was molting.

  • It seemed such a waste.

  • Now be quiet and fetch me a drink.

  • I'm parched.

  • -Looking for something?

  • What are you doing here?

  • Shouldn't you be at the hunt ball?

  • -The what?

  • -Let's not play games anymore, Vlad.

  • I know you're a vampire.

  • And you know I'm a slayer.

  • -Look, I don't know what you're talking about, OK?

  • Cross my heart and hope to-- look, I don't know.

  • OK?

  • -What are you going to do now, vampire?

  • Jonathan, am I glad to see you.

  • -Vampire!

  • -Oh, poo.

  • -[laughing]

  • -Where's Vlad?

  • We're running out of time.

  • -He can't help you now.

  • No one can.

  • The vampires have picked up the scent.

  • -Mum, Dad, please can we go now?

  • -It's way past our bed time.

  • -Ingrid hasn't danced with us once.

  • -This party really sucks. -You've got a point there.

  • It's getting late.

  • -Let's go then.

  • -Dance?

  • -Uh, it's too late.

  • We're leaving.

  • -We'll they changed their

  • I suppose one more dance won't kill us.

  • -If he moves, stake him.

  • -Don't listen to him, Jonathan.

  • He's crazy.

  • -Dad I've decided I want to come with you and slay vampires.

  • -OK, you're both crazy.

  • -I've waited a long time to hear you say that, son.

  • But now I need you to stay here and watch him.

  • Don't worry, I'll be careful.

  • I promise.

  • -Please, don't hurt my dad.

  • -Relax, Vlad.

  • He won't feel a thing.

  • Poisoned blood.

  • I'm going to slip it into is drink

  • and watch him turn to dust, him, and the rest of this blood

  • sucking friends.

  • -You're wasting your time.

  • You'll never get into the castle.

  • -Don't worry. I'm a master of disguise.

  • -[laughing]

  • -Oh, bun-buns, you'll never marry another.

  • You still love me.

  • -I'm so over you.

  • Go on.

  • Pick a woman, any woman, and I will ask them to marry me.

  • -You're bluffing.

  • -Anyone.

  • -Her.

  • -Oh, but but she's so-- fine, fine.

  • -Good evening.

  • What a beautiful flask.

  • -Why, thank you kind sir.

  • -Please call me Count.

  • -What's your name, fair maiden?

  • -Hel-- sinki.

  • Vanessa Helsinki, from Finland.

  • -Well Ms. Helsinki, there's something I have to ask you.

  • -What's that?

  • -Is it me or is it getting hot in here?

  • -Drink?

  • -Hmm.

  • Thanks.

  • -[laughing]

  • -What I wanted to say is, um, would you

  • do me the honor of being my um my dance partner.

  • -OK.

  • -If Vlad doesn't get here soon, we'll be vampires before he is.

  • -We've got to get out of here.

  • Time is running out.

  • -I never even got to say goodbye.

  • JONNO: I'm sure dad would've finished them quickly.

  • They probably didn't feel a thing.

  • I mean, he's practiced a lot.

  • And he's read all the books.

  • -He has done this before, right?

  • -Yeah.

  • Well, not technically, no.

  • -You're telling me your dad has just

  • gone up to a castle full of vampires

  • having never actually slayed a single one before.

  • -Is that a bad idea?

  • -Jonathan, if you ever want to see your dad again,

  • you better untie me.

  • Now.

  • INGRID: Uh, that hideous creature

  • was not on my short list.

  • This is a disaster.

  • -She'll never make him happy.

  • -Well, at least we have something

  • to take our minds off of it.

  • Here comes dinner.

  • Having fun?

  • -You've been such a wonderful hostess.

  • We can't thank you enough.

  • There's something I've been meaning to give you.

  • -For me?

  • -I know how hard it must be for you not having a mother around.

  • I thought this might cheer you up.

  • -Oh, Mrs. Branaugh, you're too kind.

  • -This is a disaster, a complete disaster.

  • -Oh, shush, Robin.

  • I've got it.

  • I know how we can buy us a bit of time.

  • [clock chimes eerily]

  • -What's the special occasion?

  • It isn't New Year.

  • VAMPIRE CROWD: Ten.

  • -Ugh--

  • VAMPIRE CROWD: Nine.

  • -What made you think I'd wear a piece of trash like this?

  • VAMPIRE CROWD: Eight.

  • -It's revolting.

  • GRAHAM: Well, really.

  • -How rude.

  • VAMPIRE CROWD: Seven.

  • -Get out of here now.

  • You're not welcome.

  • VAMPIRE CROWD: Six.

  • -Do you hear that?

  • Let's go.

  • VAMPIRE CROWD: Five.

  • -I won't stay a moment longer.

  • VAMPIRE CROWD: Four.

  • -Great!

  • Go.

  • VAMPIRE CROWD: Three.

  • -We won't be able to hold them off.

  • -She's got a point.

  • VAMPIRE CROWD: Two.

  • -Robin!

  • -Get out of here now!

  • VAMPIRE CROWD: One.

  • -Yoo-hoo.

  • Dinner's over here.

  • -Guys, stop!

  • -That woman is Mr. Van Helsing.

  • He's a slayer.

  • -Oh, please.

  • I think I can tell the difference

  • between a man and a woman.

  • -Oh, Dad.

  • I was so worried about you.

  • -Dad?

  • -Yes.

  • It is I, Van Helsing, vampire slayer.

  • Stay back or I'll shoot!

  • --[laughing] That won't scared them.

  • They're my friends.

  • -Prepare to die.

  • -Please, don't shoot my dad.

  • -I'll save you, Master!

  • JONNO: Watch out, Dad!

  • He's got a sword!

  • Oops.

  • -Dad!

  • -My darling, Count.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Oh, Magda.

  • I lied.

  • I never stopped loving you.

  • -And I, you.

  • -Promise me.

  • Promise you'll stay and look after the kids.

  • -Oh, I promise, master.

  • -Oh not you!

  • Magda!

  • -I'll look after them like they were my own children.

  • -We are your own children.

  • -Silence!

  • -(WHISPERING) Vladdy, Vlad.

  • Look son, promise promise you'll carry on the family name.

  • Be a good vampire.

  • -I promise.

  • -That's my boy.

  • -He's dead.

  • But he didn't say anything to me.

  • Ugh, that's so typical.

  • -I slayed a vampire.

  • [laughing] I slayed a vampire.

  • [laughing]

  • -Actually, I I don't think you did.

  • Hmm?

  • -Dad it's you flask of poison blood.

  • -Well, let's fill it with something a little fresher!

  • -What do we do now?

  • -Run.

  • -Don't go now.

  • The party's just getting started.

  • -Let the boy go.

  • It's me you want.

  • I won't put up a fight.

  • -Dad no.

  • -Don't do it, Dad.

  • It's not worth it.

  • -Oh, it's worth it all right.

  • It's too easy if you don't put up a fight.

  • Where's the fun in that?

  • -We'll meet again.

  • I promise you that.

  • -Can't wait.

  • Oh and by the way, love the dress.

  • -I can't believe you just let a slayer go.

  • -Well I didn't want to ruin the family reunion.

  • Oh, Magda, with you back it's going to be like old times.

  • -Goodbye, Vlad.

  • Look after your father.

  • He's a danger to himself when you're trying to kill slayers.

  • Mwah, mwah.

  • -You're leaving?

  • -But you said you loved me.

  • -You've were dying.

  • I was trying to be nice.

  • -Isn't she just the most evil woman in the world?

  • -So I guess you want us to start packing our bags then.

  • -Hm?

  • Whatever for?

  • Having a slayer in town is going to make

  • life so much more interesting.

  • [laughing]

  • [theme music]

[theme music]

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