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  • [music playing]

  • -This better be good, Zoltan.

  • -A note from Mr. Boris, he specifically

  • requested you wait until--

  • -Dear Vlad, by the time you read this, I'll be gone.

  • Blah, blah, blah-- 16th birthday.

  • Blah, blah, blah-- transformation.

  • I'm running away.

  • Sorry, Boris.

  • [sighing]

  • -But aren't you going to try and stop him, Master Vlad?

  • -No need, he won't get far.

  • [wolf howling]

  • -Let me out.

  • Let me out.

  • [growling]

  • -Why me?

  • -Oh, happy birthday.

  • How far did you get?

  • -Front gate.

  • -Oh, not bad.

  • Better than yesterday, anyway.

  • -It's all over, Vlad.

  • In a few hours, I'm going to become

  • an evil, blood-sucking monster.

  • And there's nothing I can do about it, unless of course,

  • you've come up with some ingenious plan

  • to save me in the nick of time.

  • -Well, there is this one.

  • La mange is easy.

  • We can make that ourselves.

  • Robin will release the pigeons on cue

  • here, creating a diversion, while I roller skate past

  • and switch the mirror.

  • OK, it sucks.

  • But we'll think of something else.

  • There's still time.

  • -Ah!

  • -I wouldn't be so sure.

  • -Knee pads, camouflage jacket, night-vision goggles--

  • -I thought you were going to a woodwork conference.

  • -Chisel, spirit level, sand paper, right.

  • I think that's everything.

  • -What's this?

  • -Hm?

  • No, don't.

  • ANNOUNCER (ON TV): Want to get your hands

  • on the latest X-15 rapid-firing crossbow?

  • These guys just keep letting you down?

  • You need to go the Annual Vampire Slayers Jamboree,

  • for a day packed full of fun, education, and most

  • of all-- slaying.

  • Only for slayers aged 18 and over,

  • payment will not be refunded, if you're bitten

  • and become one of the undead.

  • -I'll pack my bag.

  • -No.

  • You heard what it said-- 18 and over.

  • -I am.

  • -Years Jono, not inches.

  • -This isn't a fair.

  • Why do I have to miss out on all the good stuff?

  • -Because one of us needs to stay here and protect

  • the innocent people of Stokley.

  • It's a big responsibility, son.

  • Are you ready?

  • -I will be, if you show me where the secret headquarters.

  • -Jono, remember, the first rule of slaying-- patience.

  • -But what if I--

  • -It's the most important discipline for a slayer

  • to master-- stop, wait, and wait some more.

  • Practice it while I'm gone.

  • -Stop, wait, and follow Dad.

  • -Remove the blindfold.

  • Happy birthday, my son.

  • -Hey, this is great.

  • But you really shouldn't have gone through so much--

  • oh, you didn't.

  • -That Boris, is the doorway to your destiny.

  • -I don't suppose you kept the receipt.

  • -You can do this, Boris.

  • Just remember to stay focused.

  • You are not evil.

  • Say it.

  • -I'm not evil.

  • -Again.

  • -I'm not evil.

  • -Once more.

  • -(EVIL VOICE) I'm not evil.

  • -OK.

  • We'll leave that for now.

  • -Way to go, Vlad.

  • Can you coach me?

  • -Any last requests?

  • Yeah, can we do this a different time?

  • -You're not going anywhere, Doris.

  • -Come, come.

  • -No, Dad.

  • Please don't.

  • -Now, Robin, do you think Boris would

  • prefer chocolate or a Victoria sponge?

  • -I don't think cake is really Boris's thing, Mum.

  • -A boy his age doesn't want a birthday cake?

  • He has got blood pumping through his veins, hasn't he?

  • -Well, actually-- ow!

  • Dad--

  • -Mm-hm?

  • -Can you help me with my homework?

  • -Hm, of course, sweetheart.

  • Now then, what's it to be-- spelling or coloring in?

  • -I've got to perform my psychological evaluation

  • of a subject, using psychodynamic and cognitive

  • methods.

  • -She has study someone's brain and find out

  • what makes them tick.

  • -OK, OK.

  • I'll put the stupid shelf up.

  • Hm, hey?

  • Just don't nag me, that's all.

  • -Listen.

  • -What?

  • -Total silence, not a sound since that

  • scream five minutes ago.

  • -Numb to sensation-- four letters.

  • -Dead.

  • [scream]

  • That's it.

  • I'm getting him out of there.

  • -Enough.

  • Look, I have every confidence that Boris

  • will emerge safe and sound.

  • -Will uh six feet be deep enough, Master?

  • -Not now, Renfield.

  • What, what?

  • [bell]

  • -Daddy, how much longer is this going to take?

  • -Depends on how much of a fight he puts up.

  • -Fight?

  • No one said anything about a fight.

  • -Well, if he's strong, it could take all day.

  • If he's a pathetic, spineless wimp, then--

  • -Well that answers that.

  • -Boris, Boris--

  • -Well, I guess, he didn't make it, such a tragic loss.

  • -You mean, he's-- he's dead?

  • -Congratulations!

  • Or maybe not.

  • What have I missed?

  • -Nothing much.

  • Oh, I broke a nail.

  • Ugh, and Boris is dead.

  • -Does that mean I get double allowance, Daddy?

  • -Well, seeing as you're my only child, yes.

  • -What is wrong with this family?

  • Boris is gone.

  • Doesn't anyone care?

  • -No.

  • -Sorry, Vlad.

  • -Look, if it's only consolation, I never really liked the boy.

  • He uh lacked the killer instict.

  • -It's my fault.

  • I was far too soft on him, If only I'd been--

  • -Boris?

  • -Son.

  • Well, lock up your daughters.

  • Look at you!

  • VAN HELSING (ON RECORDING): Memoirs of a Vampire Slayer,

  • by--

  • ELECTRONIC VOICE: Please speak now, clearly.

  • VAN HELSING (ON RECORDING): Eric Van Helsing.

  • ELECTRONIC VOICE: Voice recognized.

  • Access granted.

  • -Let the games beging.

  • [evil laugh]

  • -Ah.

  • [chicken squawking] Bravo, bravo!

  • -The boy is a prodigy.

  • It take five years to perfect midflight combat.

  • He's mastered it in five minutes.

  • -They were chickens.

  • They were hardly going to fight back.

  • -So fetch me a couple of lions.

  • -My son has the thirst.

  • -Excellent!

  • Renfield, saddle the horses and polish my horn.

  • Tonight, we shall hunt.

  • -Hunt?

  • -Horses.

  • -Daddy, I want a horse.

  • Get me a horse.

  • -So does this mean you're evil?

  • -Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, come on.

  • It's me, Boris.

  • I wouldn't hurt a fly.

  • -Really?

  • -I remembered what you said.

  • I stayed focused.

  • I'm not evil.

  • I'm not evil.

  • It works Vlad.

  • I'm the same Boris I was before.

  • Only now I'm stronger, braver, and more powerful.

  • And you will be too.

  • Just look at what you can become.

  • To the bat pack-- sorry, men only.

  • -Go sit on a stake.

  • Wake up, loser.

  • It's an act.

  • You can't possibly believe him.

  • -Oh, garlic.

  • -The name's Van Helsing-- Jonathan

  • Van Helsing, license to slay.

  • Take this, vampire scum.

  • Oh, splinter.

  • -I'm not evil.

  • I'm not evil.

  • Want to bet?

  • Mirror, mirror on the floor, you've given me power.

  • But I want more.

  • -Boris!

  • -Ah, there you are.

  • Cake's upstairs.

  • It's not a good time.

  • Uh I'll come back later.

  • -You know, you really shouldn't wander

  • about the castle on your own.

  • It's not safe for a breather.

  • VLAD: Boris--

  • -Just kidding.

  • -Happy birthday!

  • -Well, come on then.

  • Blow out the candles and make a wish.

  • How on earth did that happen?

  • VLAD: Strong lungs-- come from playing the tuba.

  • -Robin!

  • -If you wanted a slice Robin, you should have just asked.

  • -But I didn't-- but he--

  • -Come with me.

  • Let's get you a towel and a doggy bag.

  • -I'm not sure if it's safe to leave Mum alone with Boris.

  • -Of course it is. You heard what he said.

  • He wouldn't hurt a fly.

  • [fly buzzing]

  • [thunder]

  • -Cool.

  • [door slams]

  • -Stop, wait, and wait some more.

  • -Vlad, about Boris--

  • -Isn't it great?

  • All this time, I've been worrying about becoming evil.

  • And now I don't have too.

  • -But Vlad--

  • -If a total wimp like Boris can handle the transformation,

  • then I'll walk it. [sighing] At last, there's hope.

  • Sorry, you were saying?

  • -Nothing, that's great, Vlad.

  • I'll get you a clean t-shirt.

  • -Uh no offense-- I don't think your style will suit me.

  • -That's where you're wrong.

  • Wait right here.

  • -You were gonna tell Vlad, weren't you?

  • -Tell him what?

  • I don't know anything.

  • I'm stupid.

  • -I won't let a breather ruin everything.

  • -Patience.

  • -Should be making a move soon.

  • -Hi-ya, Doris.

  • -Don't move an inch-- spider.

  • -Ew, nasty little critters.

  • You ready to go, Robin?

  • -Robin's gonna stay for a while, help me out with a few things.

  • -Yes, master.

  • -Well, have fun then.

  • -Um I'm Olga.

  • Um can I go with you?

  • I'm sick of this dump.

  • -Oh, what a good idea.

  • I've got a daughter your age.

  • I'm sure she'd love to meet you.

  • Thanks for the chicken, Boris.

  • -No problem.

  • Draw round soon.

  • -Hello, sweetheart.

  • This is Olga, Vlad's cousin.

  • -Oh, you're one of them, are you?

  • -Well, she's American, if that's what you mean.

  • Honestly, Chloe, where are our manners?

  • -Get out.

  • -Oh, look, how beautiful, how delicate.

  • -Don't you dare.

  • -The Rorschach Inkblot Test.

  • -How did you know that?

  • -Mom's into all that psycho claptrap.

  • It's enough to drive you nuts, if you're not already.

  • -What does this look like?

  • -Splattered blood.

  • -Could you be a bit more specific?

  • -Your splattered blood.

  • [groaning]

  • -My boyish good looks and porcelain complexion ruined.

  • -I can't believe my own son could

  • be so wicked and deceitful.

  • -Yes, yes.

  • When you've quite finished gloating,

  • maybe you could use your super-sensitive vampire

  • hearing to find the little snake.

  • -What?

  • -I said, you-- oh, never mind, we'll

  • have to track him down ourselves.

  • Now, fly.

  • Fly like the wind.

  • -You can run, but you can't hide.

  • INGRID: I wouldn't let Dad catch you sitting there.

  • -Oh, really?

  • And why'd that?

  • -She's right, Master Boris.

  • Only the Count is permitted to sit on the throne.

  • -Thanks for the warning, but I don't

  • take advice from stuffed dogs.

  • -He's a wolf.

  • -I wasn't talking to him.

  • -Ouch.

  • -You think you're so great.

  • -Let's see-- I'm charming, devilishly

  • handsome, cunning as a fox.

  • Yup, I've pretty much got it all.

  • Oh, why be modest?

  • I have got it all.

  • -You might have Vlad fooled.

  • But I'm not so stupid.

  • You're up to something.

  • -Hey, hey hey, it's the Bat Pack back together.

  • -Can't believe you're falling for this.

  • -Just accept it, Ingrid.

  • Vampires don't have to be evil.

  • -No, but it is fun.

  • -I'm going to say a word.

  • And I want you to say the first thing

  • that comes into your head.

  • -Boring.

  • -No, you have to wait till I've said the word.

  • -Tedious.

  • -I haven't started.

  • -Annoying.

  • -Wait!

  • -Irritating.

  • -Stop it.

  • -No.

  • [rumbling]

  • -There's something rotten in the state of vampiredom.

  • -That might be me, Mistress Ingrid.

  • I'm due a bath, ew.

  • -Life.

  • -Death.

  • -Death.

  • -Boris.

  • -Happy.

  • -This is stupid.

  • -OK, OK.

  • I'll give you my diagnosis.

  • Based on your answers, I'd say, you're a very unhappy child.

  • You feel that your parents don't love you.

  • And to compensate for this, you're

  • mean and nasty and cruel.

  • -It's all true.

  • I'm a mean, nasty, horrible person.

  • I'm so ashamed of myself.

  • -Really?

  • Some of it was guesswork.

  • -No, you're right.

  • I'm going to change, right now.

  • I'll go back up to the castle, and I'll start being nice.

  • Thank you, Chloe.

  • -Hm, glad I could help.

  • [coughing]

  • -Sucker.

  • -Oh, I'm starving.

  • What are we having?

  • -I don't know about everyone else,

  • but you're going to be eating your words.

  • -You just won't give up, will you?

  • Give me one single shred of evidence that Boris is evil,

  • and I'll wear your lipstick to school for a week.

  • -OK.

  • How do you explain that?

  • -Well, he's just being helpful.

  • It's not like Boris is going running

  • around like another Renfield.

  • -Oh, what's that?

  • -Lavender.

  • -Oh.

  • -OK, so he's been having fun with this new powers--

  • harmless.

  • You're going to have to do better than that.

  • -He's been stealing power from the blood mirror.

  • -He's addicted.

  • -If he's not hurting anyone, then

  • what difference does it make?

  • [coughing]

  • -Where is he?

  • -Dad?

  • -Where's that pig?

  • Time he was taught a lesson.

  • -10 to 7:00.

  • -Master, what's happened?

  • -Get off me, you vile creature.

  • -But sire, it's me-- Renfield.

  • Age has ravaged his poor memory.

  • -I know who you are, you stinking bag of filth.

  • Now, pick up my stick!

  • -Ow!

  • -I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable

  • explanation for all of this.

  • -Ah, ugh!

  • There he is and sitting on my throne.

  • You'll pay for this, young whippersnapper.

  • -Boris obviously didn't know he was draining your power.

  • Now he does, he'll do the right thing and give it back.

  • Won't you, Boris?

  • Boris--

  • -You're embarrassing yourself.

  • -Tell them it's possible to be a good vampire,

  • that you're not evil.

  • Tell them you're not evil.

  • -I own this family.

  • No one can stop me.

  • I'm the king of the world! [evil laugh]

  • -Oh, poo.

  • [creaking]

  • Think you need to get some practice.

  • -And I want a giant statue built in my name.

  • And every Thursday will be renamed Boris day.

  • And the peasants will bring me a human sacrifice

  • and bow down before me.

  • -Awesome, it's queen Doris.

  • If you need any gloss, just let me know.

  • -What's wrong with you?

  • You're killing them.

  • -Sad isn't it?

  • Maybe I should put them out of their misery now.

  • One more fix on the blood mirror, they'll be gone.

  • I'll reign supreme-- Count Boris, the eternal overlord.

  • -Eternity's a long time, Boris, all alone, no one to talk to,

  • no one to tell you how great you are.

  • -Vlad, you could join me.

  • Picture it-- the Bat Pack ruling together,

  • people obeying our every commend,

  • the power, the glory, the girls.

  • -Let's do it.

  • -You wouldn't dare.

  • -Stay out of this, Ingrid.

  • On one condition-- we have to be on equal terms.

  • You have to give me some of your power

  • now, even things out a little.

  • -Agreed.

  • You won't regret this, cuz.

  • No, what are you doing?

  • -Big mistake, Boris.

  • -You will pay for this.

  • -You'll have to catch me first.

  • -Impressive, but not fast enough.

  • [hissing]

  • -Going somewhere?

  • Well done, Vlad.

  • Once again, you've saved the day.

  • -Uh, no he didn't.

  • It was me.

  • -Don't split hairs, Ingrid.

  • Well, it's been a hideous nightmare, as always, Brother.

  • You must come and stay again soon.

  • -Maybe in another couple of hundred years.

  • -Better make it three.

  • -Bye, garlic breath.

  • -Get off me, you little creep!

  • Oh, and if I were you, I'd take care unpacking your suitcase.

  • You never know what you might find.

  • -Ha, knew I'd have the last laugh.

  • -Psst, Vlad, come here.

  • -Just want to let you know, when it's your turn,

  • you'll become just as evil as I am.

  • Just you wait, you can't escape your destiny. [laughing]

  • I'll be back.

  • No one can stop me-- no one. [laughing]

  • -He's lost it big time.

  • -I'm not really going to become that evil, am I?

  • All in good time, Vlady-- all in good time.

  • [theme music]

[music playing]

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