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  • [theme music]

  • ROBIN: Happy birthday, Ingrid.

  • -Robin, it's perfect.

  • [music box playing]

  • -Unlike you.

  • Next.

  • -Happy birthday, sis.

  • -Peace, Love and Transylvania: How

  • to be a Happy, Blood-Free Vampire?

  • -You haven't read it already, have you?

  • Don't worry.

  • I kept the receipt.

  • -Presents!

  • Hm.

  • Oh, the unmortification, Vladdy.

  • I've forgotten your birthday.

  • -My birthday.

  • My sixteenth birthday?

  • -Oh, nonsense.

  • If it was, the castle bell would be tolling to summon you

  • for your vampire transformation.

  • [gong]

  • -I can't hear anything at all, can you?

  • [gong]

  • -All right, so it's Ingrid's special day.

  • Here.

  • Have a vintage fang brush.

  • -Is that it?

  • -Well, it's more than you got from your mother.

  • I see she couldn't even bother to show up.

  • [music]

  • -Happy birthday, darling.

  • -Mum!

  • [music]

  • -My first coffin.

  • -Just a little something from Patrick and me.

  • -That's right.

  • Just waltz in and steal the glory.

  • Where were you when there nappies needed changing?

  • -Out, drinking blood with you.

  • -Exactly.

  • A shamefully irresponsible mother,

  • where as I have done everything I could for this girl.

  • MAGDA: So you've organized her coming of rage party?

  • You have lead on someone to bite?

  • -Of course.

  • Robin, huh?

  • What are you doing this evening?

  • Oh, pathetic.

  • -Oi.

  • No one is biting anyone.

  • -Well, you just try and stop me.

  • [door slams]

  • -Ingrid, wait.

  • -What?

  • -I just wanted to say

  • [sigh]

  • -Goodbye.

  • -I'm only going to be in there two minutes.

  • -Yeah, I know but when Boris changed

  • he became selfish and evil and--

  • -Well, I'm already selfish and evil,

  • only now I'll come with added fangs.

  • [walking]

  • [door closes]

  • [swords crossing]

  • -Come on, then.

  • Let's get this party started.

  • [knocking]

  • -This is starting to get boring.

  • Great.

  • Now I'm talking to myself.

  • EVIL INGRID: Patience, Ingrid.

  • Bad things come to those who wait.

  • -Oh, I look so evil.

  • -Together, we will bring darkness where there is light.

  • -And death where there is life.

  • Bring it on.

  • -The breathers aren't going to know what's bitten them.

  • -Hello, Ingrid, what a nice surprise.

  • [screaming]

  • INGRID: Cool.

  • -Wait.

  • There's more.

  • -Will?

  • -Hi, Ingrid.

  • [screams]

  • -That's my boyfriend.

  • -He's a breather, Ingrid.

  • Surely you wouldn't stoop so low.

  • -Back off, sister.

  • I decide who I go out with.

  • -You call yourself a vampire?

  • Don't you know the more powerful of the two of us

  • will rule supreme?

  • So I'll be making the decisions from now on,

  • and I say Will dies!

  • -Over my dead body.

  • -My thoughts exactly.

  • -Open the door!

  • Let me out!

  • -Don't do it!

  • It's a vampire trick.

  • -Come on, help me!

  • -There's no escape, Ingrid!

  • -Vlad!

  • -Time for the old Ingrid to die.

  • -Vlad!

  • Help me!

  • Please!

  • -I-- the son and heir of Count Dracula order you

  • to stand aside and open the door.

  • -Vlad!

  • [screams]

  • -Where did she go?

  • -I don't know.

  • But I'm coming, ready or not.

  • -Oh.

  • Did you feel that?

  • -Feel what?

  • -Come on.

  • -I am really proud of you both.

  • A whole month without saying the b word.

  • -Yeah and I feel, um, at peace with the world.

  • -Uh-- me, too.

  • -So I shouldn't be worried about this than?

  • -Ingrid's birthday.

  • -She's getting her fangs.

  • General, tool up.

  • Today is a slay day.

  • -Remember the mantra.

  • Sure as Boy Scouts sing around camp fires,

  • there are no such things as vampires.

  • Drinking blood, the living dead.

  • It's not for real, it's in our head.

  • -Good.

  • This is real progress.

  • I think you're ready to move on to the next stage.

  • -Oh, wicked.

  • What's the next stage?

  • -Destroying all your weapons.

  • -Shouldn't we be getting to school?

  • -Suddenly mass doesn't seem so scary.

  • -Shhh.

  • I don't know what it is, but there is something in here.

  • I'm telling you.

  • -Well, yeah, a sleeping vampire.

  • No.

  • Something else.

  • An evil presence.

  • -Well, yeah.

  • A sleeping, irritated vampire.

  • EVIL INGRID: Hmmm?

  • The instincts are strong in this one.

  • HA!

  • [whimpers]

  • -Shhh!

  • -It's Ingrid!

  • She--

  • -Gone!

  • -Love of garlic!

  • [snap]

  • -Gone to wreak havoc at school.

  • -Robin, she can't go outside.

  • She'll burn.

  • ROBIN: Not with sun block 75 she won't.

  • -Let's go.

  • We've got to find her.

  • -You know what?

  • He's actually really superficial.

  • -And he's trained as a [inaudible] student.

  • -Get out of my way!

  • -You, girl, no smoking!

  • -Happy birthday!

  • -Whatever, have you seen Will?

  • Yeah, he just went up--

  • -That way.

  • [bell ringing]

  • -Right.

  • We'll need to go break and destroy these.

  • -What if we need them?

  • -Jonno, we promised your mum.

  • So it's the birthday girl, milk or should I

  • say, birthday vampire.

  • Looking for your first victim to suck on?

  • -Dad, the mantra.

  • -Sure as Boy Scouts sing round campfires,

  • there are no such things as vampires.

  • Drinking blood the living dead.

  • It's not for real, It's in our head.

  • -That's it.

  • You're all right.

  • Give me the stake.

  • -You two really are a couple of freaks.

  • -You're right, Dad.

  • We need to get rid of these as soon as possible.

  • -How's this, Mistress Magda?

  • -Fabulous.

  • [scream]

  • -What's going on here?

  • MAGDA: I'm organizing a party for Ingrid,

  • seeing as you completely failed to do so.

  • What sort of example is that for the kids?

  • -Says the woman who ran off with a werewolf.

  • -Don't forget the jelly and icicle scream, serf, and wake

  • me when it's done.

  • -You traitor!

  • You're helping her make me look bad.

  • -Sorry, Master.

  • Have you tried saying no to her?

  • -Of course not.

  • I'm undead, not brain dead.

  • I just wish I could be rid of her once and for all.

  • -I know ways, sir.

  • Squirt [inaudible] in her perfume.

  • -What, kill her?

  • Don't be stupid, Renfield.

  • -Oh, yes, even you aren't that evil.

  • Mistress Magda said the same thing only today.

  • -Oh, did she?

  • Really?

  • -Where could she be?

  • -I don't know.

  • -Robin, this is a disaster.

  • We've looked everywhere.

  • -Huh.

  • Come on, I thought you were the clever one.

  • -Think.

  • Think.

  • -Maybe we should be looking for Will, not Ingrid.

  • -Maybe we should be looking for Will, not Ingrid.

  • -Will?

  • -That's who she's trying to find, isn't it?

  • -That's who she's trying to find, isn't it?

  • -Of course.

  • Robin, you're a genius.

  • -All the weapons of the slayers I have defeated.

  • I knew they'd come in useful.

  • -So you're gonna stick that great big stake in Magda?

  • -No, Renfield.

  • You are.

  • Stop!

  • We've got to get rid of them all!

  • -But this was my first ever stake.

  • Can't I just keep this one?

  • -No!

  • -We're destroying everything.

  • -Look, you said it.

  • If we're gonna keep Mum around it's the only way.

  • [wood chipping]

  • -Will.

  • -Happy birthday.

  • -Oh.

  • [music]

  • -Wait.

  • We need to talk.

  • -About what?

  • Are you dumping me?

  • -I'm leaving Stokely forever and I want you to come with me.

  • -What?

  • Where?

  • -I don't know.

  • Look, meet me up the castle at first break?

  • -But--

  • -Trust me?

  • Please?

  • -No!

  • EVIL INGRID: Mmm.

  • He looks good enough to eat.

  • -You idiot.

  • You brought it with you!

  • ROBIN: Brought what?

  • -That!

  • INGRID: Look, I've got to go.

  • Promise you'll meet me later?

  • [evil laughter]

  • -Vlad?

  • Shouldn't the vampire be chasing us?

  • -She's not a vampire.

  • Are you, Ingrid?

  • You didn't go through with the transformation.

  • If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I'll-- Well,

  • I can't bite you, but I'll do something evil.

  • -I don't get it?

  • I thought you had to transform.

  • -I thought so, too.

  • But there's a way out of it, isn't there?

  • -None whatsoever.

  • -Run!

  • -So that's it.

  • Our slaying days are over.

  • -Yeah.

  • Feels good to be free.

  • [screaming]

  • -Ugh- Stake dust!

  • -Ingrid!

  • -You'll never get me!

  • I'll fight you all the way to the grave.

  • -The garlic!

  • [sizzling]

  • -Ahh!

  • They attacked us!

  • -With garlic!

  • -The final insult.

  • Well, it's lucky I didn't crush this little baby.

  • -Dad, the mantra!

  • -Sure as Boy Scouts sing around campfires,

  • this whole school is full of vampires!

  • Biting necks, inflicting pain, I will

  • not rest until they're slain!

  • -Dad!

  • -It's not working, Jonno!

  • I need to slay!

  • -And they need to pay!

  • [fire alarm ringing]

  • [whimpering]

  • -Ah!

  • Look!

  • Vampires aren't allowed to stake each other.

  • It's part of our evil code of conduct.

  • -But it's all right for me to do it?

  • -Well, no but at least this way, you, they execute.

  • [blowing sounds]

  • -Ready?

  • [whimpering]

  • -Oh, I can't do it, Master!

  • -Renfield, you big girl's corset.

  • Give it here!

  • One, two, three, go!

  • So beautiful and yet so very cruel.

  • Ahh!

  • Magda!

  • We were just checking to see if you were OK.

  • MAGDA: How very thoughtful of you!

  • COUNT DRACULA: now, let's not settle this with stakes!

  • Ahh!

  • -All right.

  • Renfield?

  • Get the pistols.

  • -Ah!

  • [fire alarm ringing]

  • -Nice and calm, now.

  • Nobody panic!

  • -Huh?

  • -Going somewhere?

  • I didn't think so.

  • VAN HELSING: Here.

  • You, you, you.

  • [door slams]

  • INGRID (WHISPERING): Has she gone?

  • -Coast is clear.

  • [screaming]

  • What am I meant to be screaming at?

  • [snap]

  • [lock]

  • EVIL INGRID: Come out, come out wherever you are.

  • -(WHISPERING) Go!

  • EVIL INGRID: Hello?

  • I'll find you.

  • [lid sliding on floor]

  • -Go, go, go!

  • -Boo!

  • [screaming]

  • -Looks like this the end of the line for you.

  • [hisses]

  • -No!

  • -Stop!

  • [screaming]

  • [growling]

  • VLAD: I said leave her alone!

  • [sirens]

  • -What a time for your voice to break!

  • -Can I come out now?

  • -So at the request of the Stokely Fire Service,

  • the school will be closed for the rest of the day.

  • -Yes!

  • -No!

  • -Ingrid's presents.

  • -They're still inside.

  • -We might as well go home.

  • Dad, forget it.

  • We don't even have any weapons.

  • -Apart from the ones at the HQ.

  • -Oh, yeah.

  • Some real crackers in there.

  • -Well, I'm just going to help the firemen.

  • -Yeah, I've got to go over there.

  • -Hey, Will.

  • -Where are you two knuckle draggers going?

  • -Sorry?

  • -Oh, you will be bug brain.

  • -Oh, you will be bug brain.

  • I'll take you and your ugly sister on any day.

  • -Oi, you leave Chloe out of it.

  • -No, duh, he meant you.

  • IAN: Paul!

  • Don't do it.

  • He's not worth it, bro.

  • EVIL INGRID: How about you teach him a lesson he won't forget?

  • -Second thoughts, let's teach him a lesson he won't forget.

  • RENFIELD : Vampires, choose your ammunition.

  • -Ah.

  • The old style garlic bullets.

  • Didn't the Duke of Mumford try and slay you with these?

  • -Yes, and he was a very bad shot.

  • But a rather excellent dessert.

  • -Well, let's see how you fare with me on the menu.

  • -Right.

  • -Vlad!

  • Your mum and dad are fighting.

  • -Robin, they're always fighting.

  • WILL: Look, is this some sort of joke?

  • EVIL INGRID: Nice work, boys.

  • Now let's go party.

  • WILL: OK, very funny.

  • Joke's over.

  • Let me out!

  • ROBIN: So if Ingrid's reflection never finds her,

  • she won't become a vampire?

  • -Exactly, which means there's still home for me after all.

  • -Oh, come on, Will, you're late!

  • He is going to come, isn't he?

  • -Of course he is.

  • He'd be mad not to.

  • -And if he doesn't, you know what I am.

  • [clicking]

  • COUNT DRACULA: Prepare to be dust, you two-timing traitor.

  • -Eat garlic, you pathetic toad.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Your skin is too pink.

  • MAGDA: Your fangs are too short.

  • -You're so fat we could carpet the castle

  • with one of your enormous dresses.

  • -Yes, and we could sand blast the stonework

  • with a whiff of your wormy soil breath.

  • -I hate you.

  • -I hate you more.

  • -I haven't felt this undead for ages.

  • -You know Patrick's problem?

  • He's just so nice.

  • [cough]

  • -Not too early for the party, are we?

  • COUNT DRACULA: Ingrid!

  • You have company!

  • -Will

  • -Going somewhere, vampire?

  • Oh, and by the way, you haven't seen it, all right?

  • General thinks I've given up. -I won't tell Mum if you don't.

  • -You're making a mistake.

  • -I'm not a vampire.

  • -There's only one way to find out for certain.

  • [phone ringing]

  • [phone ringing]

  • [phone ringing]

  • [phone ringing]

  • -Sorry.

  • Mina.

  • We're fine.

  • Oh, you heard.

  • Yes, they shut the school.

  • Slaying?

  • No.

  • Of course we're not.

  • We're just in the car on our way home now.

  • [engine sounds]

  • -No we're just at some lights that's all.

  • Picking up speed now.

  • See you soon.

  • -Huh, it's weird but I'm kind of gonna miss those losers.

  • [shivering]

  • -Will?

  • -Surprise!

  • -Happy coming of rage.

  • -Now, let the party games begin.

  • [carnival music]

  • -We've got a gate crasher.

  • -Who?

  • -My reflection.

  • -You didn't merge?

  • Girls, they are nothing but trouble.

  • -Typical, you selfish maggot.

  • -Thanks, Mum, you tell him.

  • MAGDA: I was talking to you.

  • I promised your hand to Patrick's brother.

  • He certainly won't want to marry you now.

  • -So that is why you're really here?

  • -You didn't think I'd come to see you.

  • -Well.

  • Thank you for ruining my marriage.

  • Again.

  • EVIL INGRID: Families, eh?

  • Always there when you need them.

  • -I don't need them.

  • I've got Will.

  • -Oh, I think you'll I've put that relationship on ice.

  • -What have you done with my boyfriend?

  • -Be a good little girl and surrender your body

  • and you'll find out.

  • -This little girl doesn't surrender to anyone.

  • Now tell me what you've done with Will.

  • -Never.

  • Well, in that case, you leave me no choice.

  • -Ingrid, what are you doing?

  • -I'm taking control.

  • It's the only way I can win.

  • -But, I'm the powerful one.

  • -We'll see about that.

  • [screaming]

  • -Ingrid?

  • ROBIN: Is she dead?

  • [hisses]

  • -Not quite.

  • [hisses]

  • [door slams]

  • -I just hope she's going to be a good vampire.

  • -What?

  • With those fangs?

  • She's going to be a really good vampire.

  • -Thanks.

  • I thought I was going to freeze to death.

  • -It's all right.

  • You're safe now.

  • [theme music]

[theme music]

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